a good Sunday i think :)

My day was okay. I went to church met with dawn about doing the habitat stuff hope we can remember every thing. The driver was almost a half-hour late picking me up. I was really tired. My arm really hurt today I came home and got some doughnuts. Then I slept for a couple of hours. I talked to Catherine she is pretty new at the e-mail list. I am excited. She is going to help me build a website for dissociation land it's going to have a chat room. That's private, and it's going to have lots of information about the DID the members are going to have a place to put their artwork and poetry. I am really excited and we are going to have links where people can get more information and we are also going to have a place where members can share their stories if they want to Catherine is really nice and she does websites for a living it's only in a cost like 30 dollars a year. She gets breaks because of her job. She told me not to worry about the 30 dollars, but to me it's important. I want to help in some way, and I could afford to 30 dollars. I'll be doing other stuff to work and have scheduled chats. We are not going to let just anybody be in the chats. They have to be a member of the e-mail list first for an unspecified length of time. So I can make sure they're safe or relatively so.

Other than that me and Barb NLN finally talked well online she sent me a picture that she was working on before we had our misunderstanding or whatever it was. So I contacted her through messenger to thank her. We talked etc. etc., and I asked her if she would like to try again. She said she would like that. She told me she doesn't like talking about her eating disorder that it was personal. And I reminded her that she was the one that brought it up in the first place. And I told her that it scared me that she was 88 pounds and she felt she was going to die. She said she understood, but she got triggered. She doesn't like being pushed. I told her I realize she felt that way, but I was just concerned. Anyway, we will see what happens. I did not ask her if she is still thinking about moving back to St. Louis if she does she does.

She asked to come back to the list so I sent her an invite. There were four people pending for membership so I wrote to them, because I didn't receive their answers to our three questions that we have an I wanted to see if they need me to re-send them. One person wrote me back and said how are dissociated people supposed to answer forms that she could not. I was like LOL okay I wrote back to her, and I said, did you read the guidelines with questions on the bottom? I said, if you can type you shouldn't have a problem. If you need my help let me know and I'm thinking to myself oh boy does this person joins. She is definitely going on moderation LOL, but at least I got my laugh for the night. So that was a good thing tomorrow's Monday. So I will be at the school again hope my arm feels better if it doesn't. I think I'll probably leave Olsen at home, but it's feeling pretty good right now. I know this is long, but now that I have this great software that dictates I can just talk and talk and talk LOL. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, smiles. Goodnight to me BJ's crowd

totally strange about my arm

Ok this is weird, my arm has been hurting and now the muscle is hard to the touch and sore. the thing is last year around this time, the same exact thing happened. the Onny reason i remember is that it was really bad on holloween night, i remember because i went with the neighbors trick or treating.that was on a Sunday. when i saw Dawn the following Tuesday it was red and warm to the touch. she was thinking it was celulitis well when i saw the doctor the following day, it was gone, still a tad sore but nothing like it was

and now? it happened again? totally weird :(

someone for Bjs crowd

I had an okay day today. I slept pretty good when I finally went to sleep. I went to the middle school today, the kids were really good Billy wasn't there and  that help somewhat. He's a great little boy, but he goes off easy. The kids have a spelling test Julian is so cute, but he so stubborn. He falls behind easily the teacher tells him to go onto the next word. I tell him to go on to the next word, but he doesn't any way. The kids had a lot of free time today so that meant that Olsen had a lot of play time. They have a tennis ball for him. I think it's really good for the kids to have him there I let them walk him around. Give him treats and tell him what to do they enjoy that especially Miya she can tell him what to do and he actually listens sometimes and he doesn't talk back, which is great for Miya

my ride was late so I was waiting outside a boy came out fuming cursing ready to explode. He was saying I hate that woman. So I asked him what happened. he said that woman is the Devils child's I said, who he said Ms. Porter I didn't tell him that was my sister LOL. He said that he got into it with the bus driver. Etc. etc., and she made it off the bus. So a relative had to come pick him up. I ended up having a long talk with him because my ride was taking forever. I told him he needs to get a punching bag to get his anger out. Of course he informed me that he didn't want to Punch a bag he wanted to punch the person LOL. I said well don't you think that would get you into even more trouble. He agreed. He asked if I got picked on a lot because I was in the chair. I said, yeah. Sometimes, I told him that he doesn't have to like what adults tell him but he needs to respect them I pointed out that if he had he would almost be home by now. And he agreed any way, I think I made some headway with him. I found out that his grandmother had just gotten custody of him from his mother. Because one of the teachers came up and asked how things were going. He said things are great as grandmother's, as usual. My heart was sad it seems like all the kids I've run into have such hard lives. But like I told my mom later God puts me where I need to be I guess I told Devon it doesn't matter what people say about him. He knows he's smart, and sometimes it's better to walk away because he knows the truth about himself. Anyway, I hope  it helped him feel better.  when I got home I called Christi and left a message that I heard she has a new name, compliments of Devon that she is now. The Devils child's LOL. I'm sure she'll get a kick out of it.

My neck is feeling a lot better. Still hurts. I don't know why but my arm hurt. Its really sore is actually hurting more than my neck now. I don't get it. I guess not getting too old smiles. Well considering I just found out it's after 2 a.m. I guess I better close this. I hate it when I think it should be 12, and it's 2 a.m.. Anyway, that's part of being me, I guess.

Goodnight to me myself and I

A short update

Another long day went to the therapist came home and brushed Olsen. I think I was only after about 20 minutes. It was so hot, but he really needed it because he went swimming in the pool on Sunday. The when he dried all that loose hair was their anyway, he looked really nice. I went to the mall to meet my friend, ann we went to the macaroni Grill. I am not going to say anything except major bad decision on my part. We went to Borders I saw my friend Julie. She works there, we are going to get together soon. she said she really misses me. I bought  Brianna a holloween book. I am so happy am not going anywhere tomorrow. All I have to say is bed bed and more bed LOL goodnight to those inside and out those near and abroad.

I don't know who I am, but I am here, who ever I am

A very busy Monday

I am really tired.  I went to school today the kids were good.  When I got home Stacey I was waiting to pick me up.  We went to the mall, I needed to get a cleaner for my DVD player on the way there.  A car tried to cut another one off Stacey had to slam on the on her brakes.  Needless to say my neck that was almost all the way better is now hurting really bad.  Even worse than it was began with we were supposed to see a movie to, but I told her I was too tired.  Audrey called me about Rocky today I was so scared that something was wrong.  She must've known I was thinking about them.  She said he was okay.  She thinks he's totally deaf now, and Ron Has to help him get up into the camper I just got back from camping last week.  They were gone the whole summer I am going  to call them next week so we can make a time for them to bring Rocky over.  It is Rocky's birthday tomorrow I am going to meet my friend ann at the mall.  I don't want to go, I haven't seen her in a very long time, though my neck is killing me, but I'll go anyway I am going to take Olsen out and take my medicine and get in bed.  I really hope my neck feels some better in the morning.  It was hard for me to get from my bed to my chair goodnight to me whoever I am

my good Sunday with Brianna and Joe

I am really tired, but I needed to write. I had a long day today after church I went to my moms house. My niece and nephew Brianna and Joe really wanted to celebrate my birthday. It was so nice. They were so excited. They decorated the whole dining room with streamers, and they were so excited about the little presents they got for I told them how beautiful everything was and how excited I was made a big fuss and they were so excited smiling. It brings me so much joy that they love me so much And look forward to seeing me. My favorite aunt came over again to and my cousin Claudia my cousin Claudia has MS. I am sad to watch her. Its hard to see her walking with difficulty. When I was young, from ages 13 to 18. I went to New York where she lived three weeks out of the summer she used to help me. And now she has trouble walking herself to her house has stairs. Soon they will have to sell it because it's getting really hard for her to climb up the stairs

my cousin Gina that was in the drug treatment center got kicked out she text message somebody she has a cell phone with Internet mind you yeah the drug addict. She said at the date and said she would have sex with somebody for crack. So they kicked her out. Now she's home again, her parents are sicker then she is their whole life revolves around her. Even when she was at the treatment center. They picked her up all the time brought her food and believe it or not. She has a car in the driveway. They won't let her drive but her father pays insurance on the car, because it's her car. And I guess they think she'll get better magically. It is very very sad.

I had a really good night. I hope I sleep well. I also hope the kids are good tomorrow. It was pretty exciting Olsen got to go swimming in my moms pool. He had lots of fun is going to sleep good tonight I'm sure Tuesday's Rocky's birthday. So I'm going to give him a call. I pray that he's doing okay. I really miss him. He will be 14.

Going to get ready for bed now. Goodnight to all of me

my icky feeling friday

Feeling sad today, I wish people thought more of life and it is taken so easily it seems like people will shoot a gun an a person just as easy as if they were stepping on an ant the world is so scary.  Its hard to find good in it sometimes.  But it's all we got so I guess we have to do the best we can

 

I got a headache I did not eat good today.  I'm not to go anywhere tomorrow.  I am glad going to the parents on Sunday I hope it goes okay.  I'm not in the mood for any stress but I guess nobody would be my neck has been hurting the last couple of days.  I don't know why, but I'm not able to get in the shower.  I might be able to, but some things I can't take a chance with because it's not like I can change my mind in the middle if it hurts too much
oh well I'm getting get ready for bed

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

My not exciting wedensday

Today was a relaxing day although I think I stayed in my chair to long my legs are really stiff I hope things are quiet at the school tomorrow I am really tired I brushed Olsen really good this morning he really needed it. He looks great, I need to call Audrey and Ron about Rocky and see how he is doing.  They said they would bring him this month, if he was doing okay.  It figures they wouldn't call I just hope he's OK.  I always get scared to call, because I know one day soon.  He's not going to be doing well I mean he's going to be 14.  In October.  That's a lot of years I will probably call tomorrow, if I don't chicken out.
I am hungry, I think I'll have a little chocolate before bed maybe it will encourage me to have good dreams you never know I didn't do much today.  So I don't have much to say.
Goodnight to me myself and I

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

Me tuesday

Hmmm went to T today the woman still not call the T I hate going sometimes when I can't rememer stuff and when i fight so hard to stay there, not to look through the haze, then more haze then heavy eyes then not seeing clear then I go. not aware of anything, nothing to hear nothing to see just not there so time stops for me. at some point i am back feeling totally drained and sleepy, then all the sudden I have energy. where does it come from? so I can see and hear and am back. but where do i go and why do i have to? I use to want to go all the time, so i wouldnt fight so hard to stay. why do i have to be in pieces? why did I have to split? why couldnt barbara and I stay as one? why werent we strong enough even with The mean one with us? we couldnt stay together. so we make progress yeah, but we split which is way not progress. sometimes i just feel like our inside universe is like a tennis game, we are on a huge court ppl all around and someone is going to get hit hard to the outside world even if they dont wanna be there, so then they bounce as much as they can and then they stop and someone else gets hit out and maybe another and another then no one knows what to do, who speaks, who moves who leaves who stays. then your not able to put all the balls back in the right place even if you try your best so then they get upset cause they want things to be axactly how they were before they got pushed out, but it never can be exactly like it was ever again. but the tennis matches never stop even tho you dont want to play anymore so the game goes on against your will and because you wont play, the game goes on as if you never were

I HATE TENNIS 
Barb of this messed of me's

feeling so tired, but some better

where to start I am off of another list.  Now I know why on the second day that the group was even formed the lady asked if she was too controlling will now I can answer yes she's sure the hell is.
Without going into everything, because I can't bear to go through it again.  She picked so much a part and made so many assumptions.  Just from me asking one question, she wrote 4 long e-mail and I can tell you another thing.  She is one of the most paranoid persons I have ever met.

Enough of that I am finally feeling better thank goodness I haven't been out anywhere since Wednesday.  I could've went to the schools today, but I knew I would be so tired and boy was I right I slept most of the day.  And I'm sure I'll have no problem sleeping tonight.  My neck is hurting, but it's not too bad.  I thought I had to go to the dentist tomorrow.  I'm so glad I don't.  It's not till October 30 I have been eating so much the last couple of days I feel like a total cow I hate when mom brings food.  I can't bear to throw it out so what'll I do I eat it all and I gained weight so fast.  So the cycle continues.

I am so glad that the thorn in my side one of them anyway is no longer there.  I spend so much energy thinking and thinking about this supposed friend I hope  that She somehow gets out  of her dysfunction but to do that she would have to think of someone else's feelings beside herself.  She would have to actually talk about things that were  painful to her one thing I can understand though is I was the one that was hurting. When I finally did tell her she didn't even respond to my e-mail.  Then when I brought it up she said the reason that she didn't respond, was because she didn't know what to say.  And she was hurting too much about it

 

So she was to hurt to talk about how hurt I was and I am so direct that she felt intimidated?  Anyway, it's ludicrous, then she says she wishes I would have told her in February?  so if i were to tell her in feb it would have let her be able to talk about it?  But because I wrote her a couple months ago.  It was too painful for her to talk about, but she wishes, I would've told her in February.  Instead of waiting?  Does that make sense to anybody?  i asked her what would have been different if i would have told her in feb, in a email among other things which she didn't bother to address, just told me that she couldn't deal with it and i told her that's the problem, she never can deal with anything, so nothing ever gets dealt with.  But this way she could be a victim and make it somehow my fault.  And that's okay, if she needs to do that.  I just don't think she's capable of thinking of other people.  She says, how much she cares for people how compassionate she is but yet she doesn't pick up the phone.  Even after she knows how much I was hurt that she hadn't called and she knew how much I was struggling about it?  Her words don't mean anything, because her actions don't support her words,

a new shows coming on called heroes.  It looks really interesting it is going  to start soon.  So guess I will go for now

 

where to start 't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

hmmm what to say this day Friday

hmm ok, what a day, i know this is personal but well I need to talk about it so oh well, and besides not to many are on my friends list now as I have made some needed deletions.

I hate my friggin period. I am on BC and only get it every 3 months but damn I am having such a hard time. I didn't go to the school on Thursday and they were having a new singles group at church that i really wanted to go to and couldn't geeze it is sooooooo bad, i am going to talk to my doctor I think i see her in Nov and ask her what she thinks about me having this procedure that I read about called well i forgot what its called (surprise) any way, i think what they do is use a laser and remove the lining of the uterus, its less invasive than a dnc and it makes your period really light or even stops it, its good for ppl who arent going to have children, unfortunately i am not even though I want to i would love to but that's another book for another day...I just can't take it, i spend the majority of my day not kidding in the bathroom.

 

ok thanks for baring with me i am done talking about THAT LOL I think somebody close to where i live must have got wirer less internet cause i am pulling an awesome signal very happy happy LOL but cant get rid of my DSL because if they move or whatever I would be totally screwed so i am just going to enjoy it for now

going to go back to bed now night to my peoples and to those reading  

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

FEELING TO MUCH AND NOT ENOUGH

gosh i am not feeling well, I am feeling so many things but yet i am not. I dont understand what is going on right now. I am hurting but then somewhere feeling nothing at the same time, so confused. Feeling like i want to hurt myself, i know I won't just havent felt like doing that so strong in a long time, even though I am feeling like that, my head is so full. at times it doesnt even feel like its connected to my body and my hands dont feel connected either just trying to look at the words coming on the screen. I feel so sad about amy, but dont even understand why, i feel so sad that I didnt mean enough to her i guess, i didnt mean enough for her to pick of the phone or to put herself aside for one second to really listen to me. I am angry that i gave and gave and gave, even paying for her dart rides when she couldnt aford it, which was most of the time. paying for stuff when we went out most of the time, and never was it retured, and frankly, i feel it kinda almost got to be expected or not that, more so taken for granted that if she didnt have i would do it. I dont know, i struggle with this so much this DID I hate it, but its how i am, but yet others aren't but pretend to be? when i told her she should be blessed that she doesnt loose time and is co consious that she was further along at least in that area. what does she do? she gives reasons why she is not futher along. I always feel happy when ppl tell me i am improving, it brings me joy, because there is so many times i feel so bad and want to give up so much. But amy? she wants to be DID and not ddnos? she wants to be a dxed as a "true multiple" with 150 insiders? and feels its stupid that she would be dxed as ddnos?  i am so incredibly confused. WHY????  I don't want to live this way, i dont want to be this way, and I dont want things to haunt me, I dont want to accept that the psycho dad is that psycho that he almost ended Seacets life MY life, that he burned someone that he burned me my face. I was told it was a birth mark by him, so now i see it on my face and i see it happen over and over i hear my cries and now i am crying my tears on the outside how do i live with this. how do I look at the birth ppl and know this? Did you come close to being killed amy????? did you get burned on your face by you dad amy? did you get sufficated amy, did your dad have sex with you amy and you couldnt cry cause if you did even more pain would come? what is your trauma amy??? tell me what is it? do you want it to be worse than this amy? is this not even bad enough for you?

I am hating you so much at this moment amy  

How do I live with this knowledge? I wish i wasnt here right now. wish someone was here to hug me and say it will be ok i feel like my heart is going to explode  I dont want to be a "true multiple" amy, but I would rather be that, than be as sick as you amy
help me some how to get through this please 

hi to me's my sunday and probably more too

Isnt life grand?  well update ok. I did get my puter back thank you mama saprono and christi. and of course god too. been missing quite a bit of time as of late great, i love that LOL I did have an awesome time friday at church they had a musical show it was wonderful. told ppl i should get an award for the best sit down dancer LOL I swear i wish i could walk only to be able to dance then i would just go in my chair. I would love to be able to dance. i do have rythem very good for a white girl if i do say so myself, although just cause I am white on the outside i know lots aren't that way on the inside, it has been hard as of late because i am very much aware of my blackness its just hard to hear it actually coming out of my mouth, it just sounds so much different on the outside 

one of the van drivers asked him i was mixed cause he said i sounded black, i told him what a good friend said to me that i am ethinically inriched, and he said yes you are. its so hard because the voice is actually so different, which i didnt realize till extremely recently, I was inside saying just stop this i can stop talking this way, i am doing it on purpose but i couldnt stop talking that way because it wasnt me doing the talking and its just so hard

when i was 7 my mom actually had me evaluated by the speech therapist cause of how i was talking, and she told her i was using "black lingo" little did i know it was an insider. I been thinking why they were created and for one, until we moved to FL, i wasnt around lots of ppl that were black and two "the family" is extremely predidest   altough they would never admit that, they would just wait and talk behind ppls backs and even being 7 it hurt me so much, cause l really loved my friends and the ppl that helped me at school so i think that played a big part in why they were created that way. it was a way of me standing against them and saying that I am that way too and i dont care if you dont love me or that you judge me. all ppl are ok with me even if you dont like them, I have some inside that are spanish, and still can't figure out the one that speaks her own language, its so weird all the sudden these sounds come out of my mouth that sound like jibbish to me, i really dont get that.

the eating is not good for the last few days, wish that didnt make me so happy, yes i am fucked up i know back to school tomorrow to my kids, love them, and i pray i can give them some joy , even if it is just for a few hours, when they smile i just feel so wonderful, and thats one of my purposes in this fucked up world we live in, one of my missions in live so for now  god thank you for giving me my pain so i know where they are and can love them inspite of what they may show on the outside to survive I know cause i am them too
my crowd

my relaxing wedensday

I have been in bed most of the day-today watching TV actually one of my most favorite things to do I did get my computer back. Well not quite yet. My ex sister in law Christy has it she said Brian didn't say one word to her he didn't even apologize. Nothing came out of his mouth Christie took the opportunity to tell him how wrong she thought it was though. tomorrow, I am going to the middle school early, because Christy wants to have lunch with me. My companion Stacy is going to pick me up from there, that way I can get the computer at the same time. Larissa is going to buy it it will be nice to have some extra money. I talked to my therapist about going to the trauma unit again. She hadn't called yet because for some reason she didn't get my e-mail with the number on. It probably had something to do with switching from MSN and AOL on my part, who knows any way she is going to call. There's just no way I could decide anything or even start to decide unless i know if Olsen can come with. I mean, I could leave him home with somebody. But I would really feel like such a big part of the was missing its so different with Olsen. I mean, I really feel like he's part of me I never felt like that with Rocky I don't understand why I still feel guilty about that. I love Rocky, but it's not that deep down love. I just wouldn't feel like me without him. And that's saying a lot for someone that is multiple will see what happens.

I've been thinking about something

I am going to ask Christy, if she would mind if I said she was my sister. I don't like saying EX sister-in-law, and I don't like saying she is my friend because she is more then that she was married to my brother Dan for 10 years. But even before they got married we would go places together me and her I didn't bother her in the least that I was in a wheelchair. I am very perceptive and even if someone acts like they don't care I can always tell if they mean what they say. She is the closest thing to family that I have ever had. She really cares about me and loves me and I don't have to do one thing. I just have to be myself. I don't have to give her one thing. She just loves me because

I have been kind of down I have to remind myself about the things I have in life. Like Christy my friends my church. My therapist, and of course my Olsen. I really do love my chair to LOL. It is a great chair the best one I ever had. I think I've had it for about five years now. It is nice to be so comfortable and it is nice to be a speed demon if I want to be LOL and I love my laptop it's awesome. Oh well I guess that's enough rambling for now

Goodbye to me myself and I

.

why am I still up?

well i

wasn't going to write but a lot happened where to start Thursday I went to get the certified for my housing my rent only is going up 30 dollars so I am really glad about that also they said that I can paint my condo in colors. I am so happy this means so much to me, because in living 17 years on my own in government housing. You're not allowed to paint in color I have always had white or biege walls I am so thrilled now the trick is to figure out what color to use, I know it is hard for everyone. But when you're multiple that's my friend Melissa says OYE LOLmy mother called Brian's wife she said that Brian said. He taking 200 dollars so far for the computer with money orders. My mom asked if she saw the receipts she said no. But that he was coming home tonight. My mom told her that tomorrow. She wants you to need my brother with a computer or the check because he had told my brother that he would come to my house on Saturday which is tomorrow I don't wanna see. I can't believe I could lie like that. Even when he's caught he is still lying its amazing to metoday I checked my bank account I only had 88 dollars in there I couldn't believe it when I listen to the debts on the phone. There was one for hundred dollars the only bill that I had that was exactly that amount was for a credit card that was on auto pay but I close the account two months ago. Sure enough, when I called them. They were still deducting the money. They are sending it 200 dollars, I can't believe that they would be deducting money from a closed account that is scary no wonder I'm so short of money last month, but that's not really anything new, because I lose so much time lots of times, I don't know where the money goes. I'm just glad this time it actually is working in my favor for a change. LOL oh well, I have a bad headache. I am going to go to bed good night to me

when to the T switching lots there and lots since. Head feels really wet spoungy is the best way i can describe it. but good news, i told mom that i remembered for sure that brian's wife works for a dollar general store and what town. Its really weird how much details i can remember about things but when it comes to my life and facts its so hard any way she got in touch with his wife and he told her that he paid me most of the money and she told the mom that she has had problems with him not being truthful with her in the past and she apologized and is going to make plans with mom to bring it back so who knows i still have a chance to sell it and get money wish is great. it was so hard it T today, I know something bad happened to part of me, i know and its so hard to know, the psyco dad was theatening me to stay quiet he had a lighter and he actually burned my face with it and said if i didnt stay quiet he would burn us up and no one would ever find us; I am trying to stay disconnected I dont know who inside actually was there but as i type my  face is hurting  and it really feels like a burn. I always though it was a birth mark, thats what the parents said it was I havent asked the T if she ever called the trauma place i am too scared too, I just dont feel strong and i feel me and a few others here are in the minority in that we want to live, that is so scary and i don't know whats driving the others to have the position they do that life isnt for us, its scary and its draining and hard to keep going, to keep the good face the "normal" face the face that everyone wants to see, the face that i feel more and more is nothing but a lie, that I myself are a lie someone put here to hide the darkness that is within, what I truly am.
I ate pizza today and I am doing better than i thought and my stomach feels ok not queezy or anything although my stomach is  hurting a lot and i won't go into that any further which i am sure ppl would appreciate LOL

Have to take Olsen for a check up tomorrow. nothing is wrong just routien. I saw the funniest movie, fun with dick and Jane its halirious LOL any way going to get ready for bed
Barb and US

want to put this poem here for ppl to see if they want so you will know how crazy we really are:

 hear us good angel

 

no where to go

no one to see

no one is free

no one is good

no one is understood

no one to care

no one to fly

up to the sky

we can't go

take us please

so we will be free

we dont know who we are

doesn't matter how far

we are not meant for this earth

please show us the way back

up past the clouds

up past the sun

where everything is undone

that is our place where we belong

take us please take us

then we will be free to fly

like it was meant to be

 

please our angel set us free

 

Jorget12 writing for the light girls

we don't feel like we belong here, we don't fit in anywhere. have you ever thought that maybe somewhere a made? It is so hard to feel like you don't belong anywhere to anyone in any place and thats How I feel never have I really had a strong connection to a mother or father, I always wonder what that must be like. To be able to come home from school and not dread it and wonder what the night will bring. If I will be left in peace, if i will find food to eat when everyone is asleep.  what chaos will happen, because there always is some. what will I do wrong this time? will i get a chill and my body shake and she will say your doing that for attention, and i will think and say silently "no i just got cold for a second thats all" maybe you said i wanted attention because you know you didnt give me any? maybe because i was totally alone. no one to ask me how my day was or if i had home work or even if i needed anything. If i was was worried about an exam there was no one to tell, you just knew that you were expected to do well in school because that is the Only good attention you ever got and it was only for a moment a few times a year. never have I ever felt i was good enough for anyone to love because I was never good enough for the ppl i was born to.  I wish i could disappear. the only thing that saves me is Olsen, he gives me so much love so if he does then i must be loveable.  but he wont be here for long never long enough no matter how long it will be
why am i here? please tell me just in a funk i guess its hard not to feel connected to another person though, I love my olsen and i shouldnt complain cause maybe lots of ppl dont feel connected to anyone but they don't even have a doggie so i will stop complaining
hope we can sleep, have strong doubts though
someone and many thoughts from many

 

good morning to me's

well i slept pretty good, beth is on her way over i went to hess and got me a large ice coffee   write more later

Me again who??

wow didnt realize how late it is till i looked at the time. Church was ok had a better time than i thought, the seekers which is my usual class was off so went to another one. they were there pretty fast to pick me up which was great, i ended up sleeping the majority of the day away and really still very sleepy. was suppose to go out with beth to Bay Walk tomorrow or today i mean but just didnt feel like going, for those who don't know Bay walk is down town has a huge movie theater and shops and all the rest. Beth is coming here instead told her i was too tired, i know this sounds bad but i wish she wasnt coming, not because i dont want to see her but i would so much rather stay in bed. any way, still feeling funky, so glad Ruthie is home, hope she will continue to improve and not get discouraged. gonna go to sleep hope everyone is doing ok

why am i sad??

Hi again i found this program called Izoom i am using the trail version i am hoping it will just let me reinstall it when the trail runs out i really like it, it has speech too and the trail is fully functional, missed lots of time again today my head hurts too i know i didnt eat good but after yesterday i freaked. I am really tired in one of my moods where ifeel like hibrinating. i wish i was looking forward to church. I miss the days when i was so excited to be there. oh well. I really like my new glasses a lot. the mom had the wrong Brain to send the registered letter to. I can not believe he could be so mean i dont understand. i wish i would feel better I miss Barb NLN so much Viney. I am not going to reach out again though. I said what i did because i cared for her and i didnt deserve her anger, but I miss her so much but i dont want to apologize for caring about her and if i have to watch everything i say what kind of friendship is that? i could say i didnt mean what i said, but that wouldnt be true. I am worried about her weight being so low and her taking diet pills and if i go back into the friendship, it would only be a matter of time till she gets mad at something else, its happened twice. I miss her so much though and Seacret and Lil gurl are so sad and they dont understand why this happened even though we tried to explain. I love you Barb NLN where ever you are, tears falling 

I hope you will reach out to me i pray for that, but I need to be real with my friends I have worked to hard its part of moving forward. I pray you will be safe and happy 
Have been feeling so disconnected from everyone I wish i didn't feel the need to test ppl. dont know if thats a healthy thing to do? but everyone wants to know that their thought of and cared about. I can't keep all friendships going, it has to be give and take and i just dont have much to give anymore. I can not believe i havent heard from Marilyn and Carol. It hurts so much. Mary Gettmann is not coming back to the church I am so sad about that. she is one person that never calls, but i know she cares, just like i know in my heart that Marily and Carol care, but is it wrong to want to be thought of? is it wrong to wish they would call me? to hope for that so much? Is it not a reasonable expectation for me to have?  I am feeling so sad
good night

tired sad and confused

Hi its me again, had a long day. Stacy took me to get Olsen's bath, I dropped him off and we went to borders to me JoAnn (My support coordinatior) she is so nice i wish she could be my companion. then went to Target, bought an outfit. then got Olsen and went to see the movie wicker man, totally weird and mel gibson dies at the end totally strange move but kept you thinking. them home and i had Micky d's shocked but good. as for the rest of the night and what the heck i been doing? everything is a blurr feeling very sad but dont know why good night

My sad thursday

Really don't know where to start did not sleep really good. So was tired when I woke up took Olsen out went back to sleep for a while. Woke up about 10 I took Olsen outside to brush him it was so humid even though the sun was not out sweat was just dripping off me Larissa came and I went to the school Billy who was in the fight on Monday got arrested today. I don't know what for they took him away in handcuffs. I'm glad I didn't see it. He's only in sixth grade his home life is awful. It's amazing he even comes to school it makes me so sad. Some of these kids will never have a chance and it is not their fault. All they see as violence it is the only thing they know. Times like this are when I feel so helpless about our world. I am just filled with sadness right now for Billy and for all the kids and for the kid I was and still are. The ones that are crying so loud inside that I feel I will burst into tears any moment I am dictating with voice right now.

I was supposed to go out with Stacey

Sorry this is such a downer of a post I think I'll stop now because I'm not feeling any better

, but I wasn't feeling good at all. Really I'm still not, I have a headache and my stomach feels queasy and I am not firmly planted. I am Thinking I didn't have enough water today. I forgot to bring my water bottle with me when I went to school I am having that stupid heat stuff again. I thought it was over, why can't anything ever be over? I told the psycho dad about Brian. He is always telling me to let him call this person or that person that he wants to help. So what do you think happened when I told him? He said, it's only money let it go. Now, does anybody understand why I have all these problems? I debated for weeks whether to tell him I didn't want to unleash him on anybody. Because I thought he would be so angry and what does he do? tell me to forget it. It took me for ever to pay off the computer. it is Not like I have a lot of money. I just don't understand when I think I have him figured out. When I think maybe I can predict what he will do. He said something like this. My brother wants a computer and he was saying to the mom that they should buy one for him. I just don't understand. Not that I want him to pay for my computer. Not at all, because I don't want to owe him anything but why would he offer to buy my brother a computer? He's made a mess of his life is living with them for at least the fourth time they're doing everything for him and he wants to buy him a computer and I paid all my bills and he tells me it's only money let it go? I don't understand

a good day my first day back at the middle school

I had a good day today.  In fact, I had the best day, I have had in over a week.  I woke up at nine fed Olsen and took him out took my morning meds and went back to sleep.  I woke up at 11 and I felt so good.  I went to the middle school gosh.  Its so much better in there lots of the kids were eighth graders So they went to high school, what a change before you could feel tension as soon as you went into the room totally different.  Thank goodness and now that I'm going later in the day.  I have more to do last year When I got there it was almost the kids free time, then it was lunch then Miya had her gym class, then it was almost time for me to leave.  So I would do a lot of sitting well I guess I should clarify that.  I always doing a lot of sitting LOL.  I mean, I was parked with nothing to do.  Miya was great there's a little boy in there named Julian he has Down's syndrome.  He needs somebody to work with him one-on-one so he will stay on task.  He so cute.  At first he was really scared of Olsen but by the time I left he was petting him and dropping stuff for him to pick up I decided to go there on Mondays to instead of going to the church.  I never thought I'd say this about that school and the kids but it will be a lot less stressful there then with the kids at the church I came home and Stacey picked me up we went in Clearwater mall.  I got Olsen nails done went to Borders for awhile.  I bought Brianna a Journal I don't know if she'll use it but I'm going to tell her  it's for her to write whatever she wants in it and it's private.  Just for her eyes.  I want know that it's OK to have private thoughts and write them down.  I think it is important, especially in this family, it is something I want her to know early. the two books that she wanted came today in the mail she is going to be so excited they are going to be at the moms on Wednesday.  I told her not to tell Brianna that I am coming this way she will be surprised I have been wanting to see Star the moms Greyhound.  I loved him.  I call him my little fawn because he looks like a baby deer to me.  He is so gentle.

 

I needed this day, it was such a good one over and out

 

Barb of BJ's crowd

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

I should be in bed already oh well

well today went out with our paid companion Stacy, it was ok I bought three movies. the chronicles of Narnra, for the love of winn dixie and prozac nation. they have them cheap at this place at largo mall called movie stop i love that place. so then we went to see a movie called accepted it was about a boy that didnt get accepted to college so he made his own, totally unrealistic of course but it was pretty funny, almost fell asleep a few times but not because of the movie just from lack of sleep. dont remember what i did most of the rest of the day after getting back home cept i know i tooked to a friend on the phone. I hate not remembering. tomorrow is my first day back with the Kids at the middle school. I think it will be better for me because the teacher wants me to come between 2 and 4 cause thats when she needs the most help. I am glad because when i would get there last year it was close to their free time, then it was lunch (total madhouse) then it was Miya's gym  class so i did lots of sitting not doing that much 

wish me luck and for those that pray, pray that i sleep thanks
us and others mixed in

my eyes and other stuff

I hope I will be able to sleep tonight I went to get my eyes checked today even though my right eye was really bad very blurry they couldn't make it any better. Going up on the prescription didn't help my left eye was really good. I didn't need a change on that lens I am thinking. I must just automatically look with my left eye, since it is stronger? Maybe lack of use made the right eye so bad? It kind of scares me. Just because I knew two years ago, that I can see clear with my glasses. Even with my right eye. Oh well, I found some frames, I really liked Medicaid will pay for the thin lenses the doctor just has to write medically necessary and it will cost an extra 99 dollars to get the transition lenses that will be my birthday gift from the parents I am really tired it's been three nights of very little sleep I don't know what the problem is I haven't had the bad heat sensation in quite a while, but today was really bad. When I woke up from a nap I ate good today. It seems when I do it just goes right through me. I am actually hungry and I ate a lot more than usual. I don't get this. I pray they don't screw up on my ride again better go to bed I am always tired I am going to go take extra meds to start with. Instead of getting up two hours from now and doing it. Like I have for the past three nights.

Goodnight to me myself and I

It's about time I write it's been forever. I wish I felt better. I hope everything goes better for me tomorrow I'm going to try to go to a different class. I really don't want to. I used to love it there it used to be fun. I used to laugh and learn at the same time I'm afraid to speak now tension triggers so many other things inside. It feels like a burden I even feel fear I know there's nothing to be afraid of, and that's coming from another place. But I still feel it. The fact that I told Brad I was feeling so bad that I was drowning and he hasn't even talked to me about it just plain hurts he totally ignored it therefore ignored me did he think this was easy for me to say? I wish It could be like before, where there could be laughter and smiles. Not tension and for me not fear I don't have energy to hide from some of the only people that I didn't have to hide from from, the people I felt truly did care. But now they are the people that want to stay in their head where it is safe where there doesn't have to be feelings where there doesn't have to be caring. I feel so lost to them and to myself when I am with them whats going to happen to me. How much more will I sink only to be quiet to myself alone, as it was. And I think needs to be, I wish I could disappear. It would be easier, less painful. Maybe some people are meant to be by themselves meant to stay quiet meant to suffer in silence. Maybe we are those people, maybe this proves that and we should have stayed that way all along silence is safer less painful to take the chance and speak and not be heard is like torture to us. We will keep the wall up now never to speak our pain again like it was and should have stayed.

Forever silent forever distant forever closed the wall will stay. It is strong again, reinforced better than before, we are forever changed but never to be changed again. Please give us strength to remember in the beginning. Why the wall was there and why it must be again

catching myself up on me self

Okay I know it's stupid.  But why can't she just leave me alone?  Yesterday, she was in front of my window, and I just went out to take Olsen, and there she was in front of my door.  I know she's annoying purposely, I don't bother her, I make no secret that I don't like use or her but I leave for alone 

The beginning of that post was a couple of days ago. The next day when I saw her. I asked her why she continues to park in front of my door and window when I asked her not to the first thing she said was a didn't know I was. I said you didn't know you were sitting in front my door at 1130 last night when I came out to walk Olsen? Then she said that it was a common area. I said to find my door and window are not your common area. And if I have to I will talk to the board. Well actually that was the last thing I said Durst, she said it was only one time. I said what about when you were part on my window? Why can't you just do what I asked why do you have to make a big deal out of it? That's when she said it was a common area. I said no it isn't. And you know the rest she said she would try her best, I said you better off some when she said fuck you as I was driving way. I told her to say her bad words to someone cares LOL.

Now for what else has been going on. If I could remember on Thursday, I was watching TV like usual and all the sudden everything in the entertainment center when off including the TV. It happened once before, and all I have to do is jiggle the WIRE, but this time it wouldn't work. I was hoping Larissa would fix it. She moved the wire, and I didn't come on, but instead of just leaving it that she proceeds to tell me that it's not possible for wire to come loose that it was against physics. I said to her, are you saying that I am lying? She said its just not possible. So I guess she was anyways, I think it was Friday that the mom and dad were coming back from their other house. They stopped by, well it turns out the elements in the plug was burned so I am lucky that there wasn't a fire. The dad went to get a new plug and fixed it which reminds me. I forgot to call the maintenance people I want them to check all the plugs.

I tried to e-mail the trauma unit in Texas. I am considering going there. I wanted to asked them if I could bring Olsen with me. Anyway the e-mail that I sent came back saying fatal error I clicked on the link right on the site where to the address right in the e-mail. I don't know what happened, and too nervous to: the phone. I wasn't even for sure if it's something that I wanted to do, but it would help me make a decision tremendously if I did know that Olsen could come with me so I don't know.

Off some about all I did write awesome letter to my cousin that I will probably put on here somewhere, because I am proud of myself I think I did good.

SAD sad sad

feeling so sad wish i could cry so many and much of me's are hurting. No one knows, and we are sad too cause our friend carol hasn't called us the whole summer and only email once. just so disconnected and feeling so uncared about, but knowing that she does care. Its just hard cause its like because she is not here, i dont exist but again thats just my feeling and not reality but it hurts so much her not calling cause I did leave a message once that i was thinking about her. Just feeling so sad about the whole sunday school situation, which i am pretty sure i wrote another entry about but not sure, too tired to go over it tho so will check my entries sometime and see if i have explained it.

worried about my Brother Joe, have just been having a horrible feeling that he is going to have a car accident. for those that may not know, sometimes I see things or have feelings about things that eventually have come to happen. I have been pushing it down, trying not to think about it, because I have never felt or seen something about someone i care about. The mom also has this ability and i finally told her about it, and started crying. She told me that on March first, he was pulled over by a cop at 1 am, his tag and lic was expired, because his b day is feb 13. well the cop said he smelled alcohol on his breath. well he said to the cop, i dont know how to bring this up but my cousin is Jerry Stramiello, (he is a cop) so he said your Stams cousin? he said yeah, so the cop didnt charge him with DWI just for the expired tag and Lic. and made him take a cab home. 

the mom didnt tell me this before, so any way i am hoping and praying this is why i been having this horrible feeling, and that nothing worse is in his future, he is not the brother that i know anymore and i am so sad, cause i loved him and he is the only one in my immediate family that i have love for any he loved me. I do love the mom, but  its not the same cause I dont really love her cause she is my mom, just cause i know she suffered in her life possibly more so than me, but that i will never know, because i dont think she can reach that info for her self.

the brother i knew is gone, and i feel a part of me is gone with him

well i survived

well its over thank goodness, was nice seeing Sr. Mary and her friend Shirley. course the psycho dad had to sit next to me and it was a small table so I was so uncomfortable, but i held it together no thanks to anyone else in here. He put his arm across the back of my chair which I hate, so I told him he was invading my space. I asked Sr. Mary to pray for my brother Joe because he is in bad shape. The psycho dad says "my Joe? in bad shape?" I said yes he is, and he was like saying he was fine just having a hard time so then that subject was ended. I hate him, the world can be crashing down and he doesnt want know one to know so he just ends the conversation. any way gotta get up early tomorrow, or someone does cause its NOT gonna be me so if no one chooses to be here in the morning i am staying it bed at home just telling you all so you know thats for inside of course
Barbara

Barbara the throw out

its me Barbara now I realize my purpose in here. when no one wants to deal with people around here they somehow throw me out to do it for them.  they know we're going with parents tomorrow, some now they just throw me out to deal with all the hard stuff, dealing with this is the parents so that's my purpose that's what I'm here for now? You all stink I hate every  single one of you. I don't have the energy to do this I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna go tomorrow if it was just the Sr. mary I would love to. you all say that I am weak, if I am so weak why let me deal with them? I am depressed,tired sad and someone puts me here  the night before we go I hate all of you. going to sleep now

do you really want to know the truth, or want me to say what i know makes you happy?

ok have to vent aggggrrrhhh ok Larissa calls me all happy, she went to the glamor shots place, has a free makeup thing to get her picture taken, which i know is a way to get you in there to buy prints so that was last week, well she called just now all excited that the manager of the place wanted to blow up one of her pictures to use in the store for advertising, so i was like are they going to pay you? she says no, they are just going to keep it in the store for a month. they told them it cost them 1000 dollars to make the picture (yeah sure) and if she wants to take it home after that she has to pay 80 percent of their cost to make the picture which is 200 dollars. so I was like Larissa thats a lot of money and all they have to do its put it on the computer and blow it up, they have their own studio, So she said "you are making me upset" I said why? cause i was excited and you are just like my mother (LOL) every time i happy she says something, i said Larissa i just dont want ppl to take advantage of you and thats a lot of money. so she said its ART and painting (BS) 

But its fine when she telling me i have gained a lot of weight? i am sick of ppl they ask what you think and you tell them, and if they dont like what you say they want to hang up? maybe her and my grandmother and her should get a room together?  I wasn't trying to hurt her, but these ppl know when someones and easy mark. 

i am so friggin aggrivated. gee can't wait to be with the parents tomorrow give me strength, i am feeling an inpending explosion

Another tired Sunday

here I am again I went to church Sunday school was boring. I'd talk to one of the new people that was in our class that I really like I don't think she's gonna come back we were discussing the divinci code the leader of our group is so  closed minded she said she was gonna look for another Sunday school class I'm gonna try to convince her to come back because we need another open minded person in their sides me LOL Jim doesn't realize that his attitude is a real turn off sometimes. when a person thinks he has all the answers he is in trouble at least that's my feeling. he has a little boy what's going to happen when a little boys grows up and starts to get a mind of his own when his mind will not fit in Jim's little neat box. where there's only right and wrong no maybe? Part of the reason our classes to dwindling is because of his close mindedness.

enough of that. I am not feeling really good it again. just real tired I really don't know how I am gonna make it through the whole week to come. Then on Tuesday being with parents all day I am really worried about that. I wish I knew how to make myself feel better. I haven't got much e-mail today that always makes me feel disconnected I am going to lay down maybe I will write more later 
who knows who

me again

frustrated with me's what else is new? I am hungry wish i wasnt such an idiot, i have switching i hate the mood changes its like i dont know how to feel, i have no idea how singletons can possibly feel all the things at onece? sometimes we feel such strong emotions someone can feel such sadness and someone else can be totally happy, how can you feel things all at once i really dont understand how ppl are able to do that, just as singletons can't understand how things are for us, but its so frustrating, how can ppl here even decide if they want to be more together when it feels so forien to us? its like asking singletons to be multiple that wouldnt be a possibility and its not like we would ever say oh yeah you should definately be multy its awesome. I mean it sucks but being single can suck too so how do you handle it? there are some in side that can't stand others, want to be their own person, but that can never be. so how do you make this existance be ok? How can We be happy this way? thats why some of us just want to stop. stop being because we feel we can never be totally free in this life, i dont think there ever can be true peace within so what is the benifit of being here this way? this way stinks and its the only way we know and feels like its too hard to be different we just dont know how. i am so tired of this war within, and frankly really the world at large sucks I feel there is no solution, no way to make it better no way to be happy not like this.  it feels impossible to live this way and it possible to live any other way i am feeling so hopeless about us our world inside and the world outside really doesnt give me much to want to stay around for. just rambling going to keep this private not for "friends" eyes dont want anyone to freak, but i mean these are valid questions and points aren't they? I need something to hold on for, a reason to try, something to strive for that i truly think is possible, because right now? i dont feel like things will get better within there is too much fighting and chaos and feelings and everyone is different. good night for now my warriors, wish i didnt see you's all in the morning that would make me truly happy

feeling awful

gosh I was sitting watching tv and this horrible sadness came to me and I have no idea why. I feel like crying but i dont know why. I feel so tired and cloudy. dont know whats wrong, I just am feeling so much like i want to stop and give up. I dont know why I just know I do. feeling so alone. so lost without purpose. dreaded next week being at the bible school, i want to i always enjoy it but the thought of going some where everyday seems impossible at this moment going to go lay down

first yesterday, then today

OK I had a huge post yesterday and it went poof at the last minute so I will start with yesterday 

I was getting ready to go to dawn on Tuesday when my grandmother called. I  very rarely call her because she always complains actually that's all she does. she is 89 and still drives a car, she can walk better than my mother and she takes no medication. anyway I called her back last night against my better judgment. she said oh you finally called me back. I pretended I didn't hear her and said what? She said oh nothing. then she proceeds to launch into something that happened between her and my father over a year ago. I told her I didn't want to here it that I called to talk to her. he kept on talking about it I told her again that I didn't want here it. so as expected she started to use her manipulative tears, said that I was upsetting her and good night. she will probably be mad at me for the rest of her life I know it will sound mean but I really don't care I am so tired of her not being grateful for what she has. 

On a happier note Seacret brought her picture to dawn, She really liked it.  Seacret stayed out  the whole hour. she seems really sad which is unusual for her. we did a lot of cleaning and organizing last night that always makes me feel really good.

now for Thursday 

I went to see one of my doctors no big deal there. One of the online groups that I am  on for eating disorders someone wrote that they decided to kill themselves they've made this decision I got so angry and I wrote that it was a very selfish thing to do that I hope she gets help and realizes what it would do to others if she did such a selfish act . someone else wrote and told me to back off, said I needed to be more loving and understanding LOL I hate when people say they're gonna kill themselves online it is so manipulative and mean. they know everybody is at vurerable place.

I am really tired it's been a long day and a very hard day signing out for now
    

My tuesday

ok lets see, i went to the T with no coffee in the system not a good move LOL i am still tired even tho i slept when we got home, but i am jumping ahead. So went there Seacret gave the T the picture she made for her and was there the whole time, thats ok, we think she was sad and maybe that helped but i dont know she still seems pretty sad, which is unusual for her. any way so we asked the driver Brian if he would drop us off at the mall in stead of taking us home so it worked out good he had someone to pick up real close to us so he picked us up at 3 and brought us home its only 5 min from the mall. so we bought a shower head cause the one we had sucked, and we bought the kids some cheap coloring books that they love already. we also bought this speech recognition program from dragon its the best software  for this kinda stuff and they had a cheap one so we bought it, cause we been using the voice in stead of typing lots so this will be better than what came with the puter but still no expensive. we did ask brian about when he is going to pay us the money he owes us, he bought our desktop puter and still owes us 340 and he's had the puter for at least two months and hasnt said much about paying us and we got a big credit card bill so we want and need that money, any way he said he will give it to us "shortly" OK...

we are going to take Olsen for his bath tomorrow, we had made an appt for thurday, but then remembered we had a doctors appt and friday we have a meeting so any way they said we could come tomorrow. Actually i am pretty proud of us cause we been doing really good saving money, we were able to pay our dentist 100 dollars towards what we owe him.

we are really tired. the parents came back tonight from NY and our van is finally fixed so they are going to bring it here tomorrow and just drive to where we are at the mall to bring the Keys. On friday we are going to meet a lady named Voilet who if we like her will be our next companion so wish us luck there.  really not feeling to great, head hurts, dont think we drank enough water today, but oh well going to get ready for bed
someone here

another friday

Another Friday I cleaned the house a little bit threw away some papers always feel better when I do that I got the bill for my shorts that I got a few weeks ago. Oh top too, pretty cool getting an outfit for $1.00 LOL that will probably never happen again in less I go to the thrift store that would even be hard to pull off in a  thrift store would imagine. I am not feeling really good today, my head hurts my stomach hurts I'd just feel blah. Larissa came, so I got my hair washed she did the floor and change my bed. and the man came to put a battery in my smoke alarm thank the lord. no more chirping. I've been saying I was gonna lay down all day but I haven't. I am glad nobody's coming here tomorrow it scares me how happy that makes me. it bothers me that I don't wanna do anything. I am so glad to have a dog that likes me no matter what. HE loves me even if I never say a word. I even think he knows how I feel even if I don't say anything. I love this creature but I feel I don't even Deserve him someties. I feel so lost and  I don't even know what from. how come I can be doing so well and then fall so far that I never think I'm gonna get up again? it happened so fast but then it didn't. it's like I always have to outrun the darkness within. does everybody have to do that all the time?  does everybody have this much pain inside them? Will there ever be the day when I can stop running and enjoy who I am? will there be a day that I can stand still? Will there be day when I won't have to outrun my tears? will the day come that I will feel like I did nothing wrong? will the day come that I won't  have to outrun my rage or even worse deny it's  there at all? Maybe I'm asking too much? I am so tired of running yet too scared to stand still. what is the solution to that? is there one? Thanks for listening 
from many

this day sucked basically

I am so tired of this fricking drama. the aide was suppose to come do the laundry well she kept doing other things she finally came brought the stuff we needed from the store but she didnt feel like doing the laundry, which we could care less about except for the fact that we didnt want to be bothered tomorrow, the stupid guy finally called about the damn alarm and he is going to come early in the morning which is fine it would only take him a min to put a new battery in that thing but now the aide has to come back and no one is in the mood to deal with anyone especially her. any way sorry for being pissy

The Angry One, from the front place

feeling so bad physically and mentally

gosh i dont know whats going  on i know some of the little ones are really sad and someone is crying i think. I know i lost lots of time at dawn's and just havent felt good since.  really i feel like i want to cry but i dont know why. I made an appt friday to take olsen for a bath but i am going to canc it my inside is taking up to much energy and i dont have any to spare, I HATE when this happens cause it makes me feel so "not normal" I am really tired and sleepy, have a bad headache and stomach is all queezy. I dont understand why i can eat junk food and be ok but it seems when i try to eat regular food i feel so sick and end up throwing up, i mean its not that i make myself, it happens even if i dont want to and even if i don't eat lots of food, but i can eat a pint of ice cream or bag of chips and be fine i just dont get that. I just feel like a fat cow i know that though 

also my stupid smoke alarm keeps beeping like every 30 seconds cause the battery is low, i called mant. this morning at 9 am and left a message and no one called or came yet. the damn beep is driving me crazy. i just dont even feel like talking or interacting with anyone, its taking all i have just trying not to get lost in my head. sometimes i feel if i surrender to them i wont be able to find my way out, it seems that happens sometimes where i just almost can't function, but this is different cause i feel if i let that happen i dont know, its like there is a sense of dread and fear thats the different part i think.

Maybe i am crazy after all? god i dont want to see larissa tomorrow, she is coming to do laundry and i asked her to bring me some stuff from the store
give me strenght, give me peace give me calm please

who the hell knows who we are?

My stupid self

I am really frustrated with me. i didnt do anything except sleep and watch my neighbors son who is sick, i am just frustrated about my eating, but i guess not enough to change anything.  i am hungry but will i eat no i am an idiot do i care? sometimes i just dont understand myself with this. but what i do understand about it scares the crap out of me. i had a scoop of ice cream today that was it. I am tired, I am in a battle, the logical part that says you stupid jerk, you should value yourself enough to treat your body good. the illogical me that says i will just am to fat right now, when i loose enough weight i will do right, like i know how. I dont wanna go any where yes i wanna save money but if i am honest thats not all of it, i just dont want to interact with ppl right now I have no desire to, is that wrong? i mean to just wanna  be alone for a while? maybe a LONG while? i mean i am gonna start going to the middle school in the fall, right now i dont want to but i am hoping that will change, it usually does,  I mean i like my solitude, i dont have it really, cause everyone chatting and driving me mad specially today cause someone didnt get to do something they wanted. 

I dont know feel like i am not making one bit of sense, gonna go to bed

good day for the most part

Hi well church was good so glad my fill in aide came she was really nice and didnt mind going to get us coffee thank goodness LOL the sermon today was on "personality" and the different kinds we have. gosh where the heck would me's fit there? I found this neat article about a woman that is multy and i sent it to some ppl that know me's that i trust some that didnt know I am we. I will never go into any deep talk about it, but i feel pretty ok about the ppl that I am and i am not ashamed of being multy and i think I just wanted ppl to know I am normal. yes I have issues, but so does everyone,  So many ppl think that if you multiple they would know, that somehow you would show your "craziness" and that is so far from the truth. yes sometimes i have lost it and myselves, but ppl wouldnt know "oh she is switching" or she is seeing awful things from her childhood now. I guess I just needed ppl to know that its not like the movies, my life is probably more boring and ordinary from most ppl, but yes I had a terrible life, but look how good i am doing, i am no different then you. 

i just know if i am going to be able to deal with whats left within, i need not be ashamed of any part of me, and this was part of me not being ashamed,  a little "coming out" of sorts, saying yeah i an multiple so what, i just needed for my sake more than anyones to speak my truth, if ppl judge me because they know this fact, great cause i would rather know, cause i dont need that negativity 

thanks for listening to the rambles of me the beautiful, intellegent multiple LOL gag

boring rainy tired day

I am really tired today. i dont feel like going any where and trying to save money and if i go out i spend so not going, but even tho i dont feel like going anywhere, it seems when i stay in the house the depression takes hold. I have asked larissa, not to talk about my weight. well i bought a pair of shorts week before last, size med and they fit but where tight and i mean she started yelling at me that i should have got a large and i have gained so much wieght, that she use to be able to hook my bra on the tightest hook not its on the last, but she also doesnt realize that i got rid of those and bought a smaller size.I know she doesnt know about my eating problems but i have told her on two occiasons not to say anything about my weight, i mean i have some shorts that are small and they fit fine it depends on the material, but she was yelling at me then the says dont be mad damn it just makes everything so much harder for me. 

then the mom tells us yesterday, that my soon to be x sister in law calls my brother tells him she is going out of town and he  better take the cat to the vet cause he is dying on the floor so when he gets there and takes the cat he died five min after he got there i am so livid, how can she be that cruel and she has my neices and nephew? you know that cat couldnt have gotten that sick over night, the parents went to NY this morning and they left the checks for my dentist bother at my house i know Joe is going over to his house tomorrow with the kids so i left two messages asking him to call me cause i have dan's stuff and things i bought the kids so was hoping he could stop by since he was going there any way. Of course he didnt bother to call me back, and i know what will happen is dan will call at the last min and just expect me to be available, it pisses me off cause no one thinks my life is important, and even if i am sitting at home is not even the point if i dont wanna be bothered. before they left for ny the dad said just call them once in a while to let them know i am ok, that they arent going to worry about dan or joe, i said i am the last one they should worry about, i have been on my own the longest, and i am doing better then them, of couse he wouldnt agree, he said everyone has their issues. He will always view me as less than and a "problem" just cause i sit down all the time and cant stand up and i just dont get that, why does that have to be his measuring sick of sucess? I hate him

any way writing doesnt really seem like its helping so i am going to stop, if anyone reads this thanks for listen
me myself and I

fuck ya'll

ok warning now i am not in a good mood so if your faint of heart please dont read, i usually dont post on here but i am feeling so angry, I am so tired of this f  ed up life, i never get time out to do anything i consider fun. I can help it that this old women in here are all prissy and shit. this is ridicous what kind of life is this we are stuck in? so they wanna keep me away fuck them, they wont be able to forever and when i get my chance? you all will be sorry your messing with me. I have ppl on my side to you know, and you want to fuck me up? ok fine for now but watch you backs and every other fucking part of you all to, Tired of this christian fucking shit i will get my time or i will take it, and if i take it? watch out thats all i can say. You all dont control me or my sista's just know that and watch out

S

Feeling so down

I am feeling so down and tired. I went to my therapist on Tuesday thinking I had lost about a week of time but when I got home I realized that I had lost a bunch of time I have no idea how much I called her up and started crying. I haven't been eating much at all lately and it scares me because I don't want to.  my hair is getting really thin and dry. I am so scared to try and figure this all out . I don't understand why I have been treating myself so badly. The fear of food is so overpowering, I have been in this battle so long now that I don't even know how to begin to get myself out. I wish I wanted to get myself out,  that would be a start.I don't even remember when food was even an issue in my life. I don't remember how it used to be except that I was huge and I don't want it to get that way again. I remember how hard it was to move how hard it was to get in and out of my chair how hard it was just to get on the toilet, how scared I was that the day would the come  when I just can do it anymore.  

I am terrified to change this, and at the same time I have no idea how to. I am so scared to let anybody close enough to try to help me even myself. I feel like my world is going to collapse and part of the wants that so much. going for now 
Thanks for listening

My lazy sunday

well my sunday was pretty good. woke up at 8 and fed Olsen and took him out then when back to bed till 11:30. Felt really good waking up not tired which is kind of unusual. Went to get me coffee and dough nuts. then watched some tv and read some mail. I know LOL totally boring. 

Man one place says they might total the van i hope not. Glad the parents are taking it well although i know this will be used for many years to come to try to induce guilt in usr. maybe i should record the mom saying its not my fault for future use? really not a bad idea huh? oh well. 

so mad at my brother he is being a total idoit going out with woman now. i told the mom how mad i was and being the Mature woman that she is, she says well Amy is doing the same thing of course i told her i could care less what amy is doing or not doing. My parents are totally enabling him to drink and party. I keep telling the mom that she needs to ask him at least for some money for food. She proceeds to tell me well he really doesnt eat much there and i said well his kids do. I mean he has the grandma doing his laudry and straightening his room. He is not saving any money. i just want to shake him. what about his kids?? He is 37 with 2 children. I have always been worried about his dranking from way back in 88 when i lived with him for a year. No one listened then. I just hope something bad doesnt have to happen for him to change. I can't believe how sick little joe was, when Joe got him on thursday, he had scarelet fever, strep thoat and an ear infection, the doc asked Joe how he got sick so fast, and he told the doc he just picked him up,  later amy told him he was sick since monday. why the heck didnt she take him to the doctor?

then she tells Joe that the animals have no food and water so he better go give them some cause she is going away for the weekend. So Mom goes there and sure enough the cat and dog had not one drop of water or food in their dishes. Plain Cruel
the way they are both acting neither of them deserve those kids, i wish so much i could take care of them.

Please god knock some sense into them

day started bad and ended awesome

Well woke up today feeling awful, just not much energy. canc my trip to church, just didnt feel like being around ppl and in my dont wanna eat mode so easier to be at home. Mad at myself that i am staying home though at the same time.l

well i finally called the number i found for my 8th grade teacher and it was her. so happy, it helped me to know that god does answer prayers, not just anyone elses prayers but MY prayers awesome. So my day ended on a high note, the too much chocolate i ate probably helped. But oh well, My friends Barb's Viney called so lil gurl and seacret were really happy cause they dont get to talk to anyone on the phone usually and its great that they have a friend. We love her very much too
well that about sums up our day. thank you god for answering our prayers and leading us to ellen, you are a wonderful awesome god, we never could call you father like lots of ppl cause that word got too convoluted for us but we know you know that LOL thanks

Ps Mrs. Levine remembered Kelly cause she said is that the girl who know the color of m'n m's by tasting them? I said yup that’s Kelly LOL

first time we have talked in 14 years. just goes to show you how special she was  and is, love you my little friend with a huge heart. hope you save me a spot up there near you

Tired and clutered

hi I am so tired and so down. saw Brianna and Joe for a little bit today. Brianna's eyes are sad. I gave her the second Judy Moody book i bought for her. I put my number inside and told her to call me any time. I feel sad for them, and my brother i feel scared for him. He is thinking of himself, and his needs. He went out with a woman because of his need. I am so angry. I wish i could take care of them. They dont deserve them, those beautiful childen, they will become the next casualities in our so called family. Hating life at the moment and me even more

Voice Post

Voice Post

Another day in my messed up selves

here i am again, what a day. the stupid companion person canc. again, i called JoAnn and told her. she is gonna meet us tomorrow, i am gonna talk to Arque and let her know that its not fair to us when she canc like that cause not only were we counting on her being here but also if she doesnt show up, we are stuck in the house. Its really triggering when she doesnt show up, thats what the ppl we lived with use to do, it makes us feel like we are worth nothing.

don't know why we are so tired. slept lots but still tired. I hate when Dawn messes with our heads, it makes some extremely uncomfortable that she can do that. 

At the same time i guess thats the only way she will find out stuff sometimes. It's so hard when there is a constant battle for control, maybe thats why we are so tired. its hard to talk about eating, i get so happy when we dont eat much, and that scares me, but not. its so hard to fight being self destructive, because there is part of us that wants it so bad, to not be. 

I am really tired so going to go.

gosh its been way too long

I don't even know where to start i haven't written in so long. Its been hard cause my aide and friend larissa has been in a domestic voilence situation. she has been staying with us quite a bit on and off. though we dont mind and we are glad to help, its hard cause its like we just kinda shut down, not really from others, but from ourselves if that makes sense?

some of us are feeling really down cause our friend carole is going to be gone for six months at her summer place in North Coralina. It was hard when we saw her last at a resturant because Pam also came which was great 

BUT

We were talking about our evil neighbor, Long story, but any way, she hurt us tremendously basically said we lied about our father abuses us. She said it just to hurt us, i dont even know who told her about it when we first moved here more than two years ago, but they told because she said she had been abused by her family and was adopted. This was before we knew how truly evil she is. She has no life, and she gets in others. She told someone that i could walk and i didnt need my chair. enough of her  continuing sorry

well we didnt realize Pam didnt know that we were abused, and she started launching in that we needed to tell our brother what happened to us because my neice and nephew being at risk from the parents.

I told her that he wouldnt believe us, we are already the outcasts there any way, the bother use to talk to us for a while about things that happen to him and us, but now its the standard "nothing happened" "I don't remember that" didnt tell her all that, just that he wouldnt believe us

If we told him, not only would he "not believe" but in this family there is no such things as privacy. The family should know all your thoughts all your deeds. There is NOTHING that should just be ours. So it will go through the immediate "family" and i use that term just for clarity, but it would get out slowly to everyone. Then more ppl would think we are crazy

I told her if i ever thought something was happing, even an inkling i would tell who ever till someone heard me, hopefully that day will never come, but the only one that will take me to the rest of "the family" is psyco dad, i wouldnt be able to see my neices and nephews who i love so much, and really i feel that we are the only sane ones so we want to be there if we can.

even when we were with with the birth givers the other day, our 8 year old nephew who was sitting in the back near me said "pa always has to start trouble" I said yeah i know.

EXCUSE ME, did i mention he was 8?

pretty sad that he knows that, and thats how he things of his grandpa huh?

Today they came and the psyco dad made us a desk which we really really like and appreciate. He drove us mad though. The net wasn't working and i told them the phone line and dsl line needed to be plugged in at a different place that they fixed it like that when they came out cause we were having so much trouble. He kept telling me It didnt matter where it was plugged. I told him at least five times that it did matter before he changed it.

I got the net working, but have no scanner and the speakers aren't working but they couldnt figure it out. everything was working when this day started, but i can do with out those things as long as i have my net

Its just so fustrating, cause he has to do things his way, and we have to fight to be heard

I mean how do we reconcile the good he does, with that fact that he hurt us so much? 

I dont know whats worse now i get emotionally abuse and we get scared all over, once someone crosses that line that no one should how do we stop being in fear of them? worrying that he could loose it any time?

I dont know but I think he is such a coward. He is not strong to deal with his pain, so he puts other ppl in pain, I hate the person he is was, and forever will be

But i love the desk?

tired but wanted to write something

I haven't written in here in like a week so wanted to write something any way, feeling like crap today, haven't been sleeping well. Had a fairly decent day with Miya, finished my book "a child called it" wow what that that kid went through it was so hard to hear, but good too, because if he can go through all that torture and survive, not only that, but do good with his life and have kids and stuff, it gives me hope that people (Bjs crowd) can face what ever we need to and maybe help are situation get better, and i venture to say Maybe?? get along who knows. Met this companion person we are going to have named R.K. she seems really nice. She use to be a cop in another state, long story, but her mom was raped at 16 and had her and she ended up years later arresting her own father, talk about JUSTICE wow, someone told in here told her she should write a book, i mean thats like one in a million chance. she didnt tell him who she was, i wouldnt been like i am your Daughter, yes you raped my mom, i see you havent changed you ways, and now your going to Jail for a very long time, but she didnt say anything, talk about fuck with your mind ya know? i mean wow that must have messed her up for a while? maybe not? We are meeting grace tomorrow, hope Barb will deal with that please Barb? any way, we will write more tomorrow
someone here i think

feeling ick

had a good day, Miya was good for the most part and they were actually there to pick me up on time. major shock. really tired going to stay in and veg tomorrow. my stomach doesnt feel good, and saw a kitty that was hit going on the way to eat. hurt my heart so much. going to sleep now

sosdd

glad this day is over, although no one cares i guess. My head is killing me. dont get it, wish i could start over dont like who i am and apparently no one else does. I am not going to break my neck trying to keep friendships going, as they say friendships are a two way street and my street is under repairs for the foreseable future
people should have listened to me, it would have saved your hearts lots of pain.

I dont have enough energy as it is, so i am done on my end

The bitchy one

I have a sad heart tonight

what a day, its started wonderful but it sure didnt end that way. we had a wonderful music program at church. It was so beautiful i enjoyed it so much. when I came outside to wait for the van, i got a call that my friends service dog died very unexpectly. gosh my heart is so sad for her. I know how devastated i would be if it was my Olsen. then i was sitting at church till after two. the bastards. so tired. came home took something to help me calm down took a nap for a while. At around 7 I took Olsen out and brushed him reallly good. He is shedding so much its unbelievable.
so now i am going to go lay down watch TV. I pray for you Grace that God will hold you tight in his hands, send you wings to hold you up until you can fly again with a new furry friend. 

so thankful for my olsen, so blessed for my friends and family of choice.

what a messed up day to the max well almost

damn what a f ed up day. We went to meet Anne I know we told her at bells outlet outside at the end because the greek place was across the little street. I would think the word street would denote outside? we sat there for almost an hour, we went inside looked at the bells inside. we didnt see her, we called and checked messages at home, no messages from her, so we went to the restraunt and had a salad. Then we went to kmart, we never go to that store only cause we hardly go to Seminole Mall. So we went in the kmart, we bought clothes. Shorts and tops. we werent going to wear shorts cause our legs dont have muscles so they look so weenie looking, but i was like what the hell? who cares what ppl think we deserve to be comfortable specially since that heat crap happens to us all the f ing time.

I picked some cute stuff, actually I am going to be sure we go to that kmart more often, it was pretty cool.

so then we get home, there was two messages from Anne she was waiting inside Bealls in stead of the outlet danm I apologized and she did too it was truly a misunderstanding, but again i am thinking ok i did say you cross a little street. BUT I didnt know there was also a Greek place in the mall by bealls LOL damn what else could go wrong?  didnt know she would have a cell phone so i didnt ask, i am sorta impressed that she has one, most ppl her age don't try what they consider to be new technology LOL even tho they been around for like twenty years LOL still probably considered new to old ppl.

oh well i feel bad about it

came home take a nap i am really tired still so going to go in bed
Goodnight to me, myselves and I
The Good Gurl

pitfalls and standards why the discrepency?

man so full from those stupid chips i dont know why i did that now i don't feel well and i gotta go eat with my friend anne tomorrow. least she is letting me take her to the greek place in stead of that place at Kmart. danm couldnt handle that i dont think. really don't wanna go out tomorrow. Its so nice that anne wants to buy me a dress for easter, but for some reason, I absolute dont feel like wearing a dress its weird, i don't get it really never felt so strongly about what i wear before. Really feels strange to object to something like that. I been tired all day, even though i napped in the afternoon. 

I really was happy when i went to work with Miya yesterday. Christi had told me that i have made a big difference in her behavior. Really  I didnt believe it, i thought Christi was just saying that. yesterday though one of the teachers came up behind me and whispered in my ear that I have done so good with Miya and she is like a different child when i am there. she said she is even polite LOL That really helped me feel good, I have been really working hard with her to have good manners and say please and thank you. she acted up really bad in lunch and when she came out of the locker room from changing. She said I am really sorry for the way i acted in lunch. I thanked her for apologizing that i really appreciate it. 

Its hard for me to think i would have such a positive effect on someone. wow

wish i could have such an effect on myself. How can I be so good to others and not to myself? why dont i feel I deserve goodness? why can i tell Miya she is beautiful just how she is, but not believe that about myself? why do I have a whole different standard for me? why do I expect so much from me, when i would never expect that much from others? wish i knew.

So many questions, but no answers why do i hate me so much? whats so bad about me? 

To be continued
someone here

why do i always screw up?

my eating has been really bad, i been craving sun chips so much but every where i have gone doesnt have them. so what do I do? i go get a big bag of potato chips and ate most of the bag great.. I dont know why dawn keeps messing with my head, i dont know what she is trying to do but i dont like what ever it is, only have six more weeks to work with Miya before school is out, i am going to miss her durn the summer. think i am going to get some coffee

Lost

So sad dont know how to make it better. wish it would end. Lost and dont know where i am tired even too tired to write no use putting down thoughts, it doesnt matter, i dont matter. hope to feel better

feeling terrible

feeling so depressed not sure why, so tired dont understand why my leg is all swollen. I hurt it a few weeks ago, when i pinned it dont understand why it took all this time to swell up? I stayed in bed for most of the day with it up. It looks a tad better but not much, its still a little sore. ate a banana and candy bar today i know thats not a lot but its better than nothing. really struggling today with food stuff, it was bound to happen cause i ate things that i usually don't. sometimes i get so scared though cause part of me doesnt care and doesnt want to eat, just wants to get small, i feel like a fat cow today. How i wish i didnt have to deal with anything and could stay in my house forever. I am tired. Sick of my drama that I cause to my own self, this is all my fault. everything is. The past is the past, it is my fault that i let it effect me like this. There is nothing i can do about the past, I let it haunt me, i give it the power it has over me; I have no one to blame for my current circumstance but me. How is it that i am so weak as to let myself give in to all that crap? I am a mess and its all my fault. all the ppl that hurt me in the past are just fine, it doesnt bother them in the slightest, they live their life. no nightmares, body stuf and flashbacks. I need to be stronger. I am not the past but i let it control me. Talking about things doesnt change them. why can't i just let it go? see i am not strong, i am weak. your thoughts control how you feel so therefore its my thoughts that have me in this hell. I should just stop everything. stop trying and hoping. I am not strong enough, i deserve to feel like crap cause thats what i do to myself they are my thoughts; everyone says put the past in the past dont dwell on it, so why dont I cause i am weak thats why enough enough of it all there is no hope for me. I can't make it stop, i can't change nothing. its my fault all of it every single thing because I am not little anymore have no one to blame but me for this pain;