mixed emotions all jumbled up

gosh wish my head would be quiet. I am tired. I am hungry too, but have nothing to eat, not that i would eat if i did. Still freaking about what i ate today and yesterday. I thought since i ate good, i would have energy, but i dont. I wish i could be more like Olsen, peaceful without a care in the world. who know knows maybe dogs worry? i doubt it, cause if they did they wouldnt be so happy thats for sure. feeling lonely, but also feeling over loaded for some reason. My head has that wet sponge feeling, I hate that so much. Its been really nice not going out cept for yesterday. To tell ya the truth i wish i could stay in next week too. don't feel like dealing with Miya or any thing else for that matter. its gonna be hard seeing Rocky monday. Audrey and ron better let me have a few minutes alone with him before they leave. val says if they dont want to insist. I don't even deserve Olsen, he is so good. seeing Pat the other day brought so much shit back about orlando and how she was. controlling bitch.  I still can't believe how she treated me. She hasn't changed. i was so shocked to hear her voice. she said she fund film developed from orlando. she was gonna be at clearwater mall so she brought the pictures, she still can't keep a job LOL she always has conflicts with though in authority LOL surprise. wish i could just go some where, or just not have to deal with anyone for a while. even my own inside. especially my own inside. Not gonna go to dan's or moms house no way. gonna make myself go to church Sunday i will probably feel better once i am there i hope.  I will put on my fake face and deal.  i better go to bed i guess, feeling like i wanna stay there so much.

feeling tired

I have to stop thinking. I went out with parents and Uncle and aunt from NY. they took me to a steak place, it was the first good meal i ate in quite a while. I was glad cause i took half of it home because i know if i ate it all, it wouldnt stay down. I am freaking out that I ate it though i ate the other half this morning. I know this is good, but i can't stop thinking about how much i have eaten and detirmined not to eat tomorrow because of that, which i know is so stupid. They wanted me to come again this weekend, i am not going, just going to go to church on Sunday.
I am feeling sad, i know i am gonna see rocky on monday, i am so glad, but sad too because i know in my heart its the last time i will see him. think i am going to lay down now

About My Day

Well today was ok, got up when the dad brought the stuff a little after nine. gosh i just realized i don't remember a big chunk of the day. I hate that. I did call Audrey and Ron to see how Rocky is. they said he has been having some pain and trouble getting around. The had his teeth cleaned a few weeks ago, and a few pulled. To be honest i am surprised they do it to a dog thats 14, but he did ok. The said he has some cystals in his urine, but not a lot. I am really not even sure what that means. I think i will try to find out more on the net, because what audrey said about it doesn't make sense to me. They are going to bring him to see me on April 3rd, I know this will be my last visit with him and that is so sad to me. I am a little angry that Audrey and Ron only have brought him to see me twice so far the whole time they have had him. I saw them more before i gave rocky to them. I know the most important part is that they take such wonderful care of him. I am really grateful. I really don't understand why i am this deeply sad about knowing he is going to go to heaven soon. I have such a deep love for my Olsen, in lots of ways so much deeper than i have for Rocky. I don't understand the deep sadness I am feeling now? 

Larissa came and washed my hair, i stayed in today and plan on that tomorrow as well, i have been getting bad headaches. I am almost done with my P I don't get why i been getting so many headaches. The mom went to the doctor today, she has a hernia and needs more surgery. I can't believe it. The doctor said she could wait till  after her class reunion in July as long as she doesnt feel pain from it. I really feel bad that she has to go through more surgery. I know this is mean but i wish it was the dad in stead, He skates by, just being his angry, childish self. I really hate him sometimes. When say I hate him, there is still guilt.  I know its not good to hate ppl thats such a strong word to use, depending who's here within its appropreate though. It causes lots of talk inside though. Moving on from that subject.

The dad's Brother Bernie and his wife are here. we aren't close to them though, but we will do the caring bit when we see them. It will makes us seem like we care, which will be acceptible to everyone there. They are taking use to Sam selezers gee thats just wonderful. We have to see them at least one time. That will keep the clan, not my clan but their clan quiet. 

well guess we should try and whined down so we hopefully will sleep
goodnight to me's

thank goodness the day is almost done

gee what a long day, so glad its almost done. I can't believe i could have slept in, and i woke up at 8. yesterday i could have slept to and woke up at 7:30 I am glad at least i took Olsen for a pretty long walk, he was happy and the weather was really nice too. watched some things i been wanting to see that i had on the dvr. Talked to Lee on the phone it was cool to put a voice with the words. man i really watch lots of tv today and listened to more of my book. The dad is coming to bring me some stuff i need when he drops of the mom at the doctor. Least i will save some money if he brings the stuff. 

I usually love desprate house wives, but today it was icky. first they hired this woman at the ad firm that breast fed her 5 year old totally gross even though it was was pretend on tv still gross. 

then to top it of, the young boy thats taking his mom to court to get emansapated threaten the mom that if she takes this to court he will claim that he was abused at the memories were repressed. yeah just what i needed to hear. I am so angry that a show like that would even say such a thing i mean they should think of the ppl that are in that situation, I think it sucks that they would use that in their story line. I know i can't expect anyone to care about such things not in this world. I guess i could wish though huh?

it was really good I stayed home today Larissa was sick this morning so she wouldnt have been able to come most likely. It was nice to stay home for a change. Hope I can sleep tonight going to go good night to me's

Still here

how do i make things better? i am at a loss. Olsen is gonna get bored cause haven't done much with him today. don't feel like doing anything wish i did. maybe i will go lay down, not sure when Larissa's is coming, i know i will feel better when i get my hair washed, that always helps. I been thinking about Rocky a lot. i better call Audrey and Ron cause its clear they aren't going to call me. I miss rock lots. I should be glad for the quiet in my head but i am not. The don't have any Sun chips at the convience store, i am addictive to them, i love them wish i had some. miss everyone, wish i had my own family. Lonely always specially when its quiet like now. wish even the phone would ring, something. Its odd how ppl grown up can act so childish, I always try to be honest, I Don't want to hurt anyone but i dont play game's. In my family nothing is ever said directly, its always through someone else that i learn how they feel about me. I don't want it to be that way, but no one ever calls me back, never do they return calls, so mom is my information source for everything and i hate it. I wish they would tell me why they don't think enough of me even to call.  I just feel like a wet rag thats been rung out. wish ppl with just tell me what up, wish i knew why they think so little of me, but i guess i souldnt care. Let them have their childish ways, doesnt mean i have to be the same way
i feel like crying but i can't. I hate it when you have to be perfect for ppl to be happy with you, or what I perceive as perfect, dont rock the boat, don"t say what you believe or what you really feel, and of course never get frustrated with ppl cause then your not perfect right?  no one hears me, not matter how much I scream inside, no matter how much i wish they would, and at the same time scared that they will. well i am not perfect never will be sometimes you gotta say whats on your mind and heart.
If your not careful ppl with just block you out of their life, cause your just not good enough or perfect enough. I will never be what they want some how i have to be good enough for me though I am far from there, so far i get scared lots of times.

Here i am again

Here i am again, had a good sleep feeling icky though gonna stay home tomorrow, its just easier. probably gonna stay home all week, i am running low on money so have to careful. I will get some reading done, almost done with "rescuing Jeffery" Its about a 17 year old that dove in a neighbors pool and got the same injury Chis Reeve had. It makes me be thankful for what i have, things could be so much worse I always have to keep that in mind. with my brain i can go anywhere and do anything. I hope i use it wisely. Had 2 doghtnuts this morning, thats gonna be it for the day. I hate having my period, i wish i could just have a doc take everything out. Its so hard for me to deal with. Everone is quiet inside pretty much so thats nice for a change. just sitting here listening to Christian radio on MSN.  give me strength to keep going lord, i need you, even tho i feel i dont deserve your help or understanding, hold me up let me feel your presence in me's grab my hand and pull me through. Help me find friends that will be there, and want to spend time with me. Help me do things that i know i need to do to be healthy. Don't let me hide to long

Its Friday

gosh here i am again, what to do? so gald the head has stopped hurting. feeling so lonely. hate it when ppl that are adults act so childish. I dont feel connected to anyone or anything. I am so hurt that Joe didnt even call me to say that he wasnt bringing Brianna over. I was so excited about it and looking foward to it. I am done trying to connect with anyone in "the family" need to spend my energy on ppl that are healthy and won't bring me down. I wish they could just talk to me, or call once in a while to see how I am. I know Joe is going through a hard time. I have been calling his cell at least once a week to say i love him and I am thinking about him. He never calls back, I am just done. I am not going to even think of them as my family anymore, just ppl i was put with to grow up until i could be on my own. I don't belong there, i don't belong anywhere. I am hating life right now

feeling crappy

feeling so tired and frustrated with me. I am not going to go any where until church Sundy. Olsen is not gonna like it oh well have to think of me sometimes. feeling sadness again. My T is going out of town so not going to see her. Thats still really hard for me, because she is the only person that knows the whole me. Really in a way she knows me better than i know myself. I dissociate so much especially in my sessions that she knows more of whats going on than I do. I am detired not to eat today, i just can't. Coughing and feeling yuck, again i wanna disapear My head hurts. I am sad, alone cept for my Olsen. really I feel i dont even deserve him.

wish the truth would set me free, or something would. 
Enough for now


was going to lay down but decided not to  gosh what to do.how do i feel better? how do i want to feel better? I live my life everyday and not a soul knows how much I hurt, except maybe Olsen. The temorial that goes on inside, the screaming and crying, the nightmares that come in the night or the day, it doesnt matter sun or darkness. No one knows how much i fight to keep going. they see the smiling girl in the chair with the beautiful dog, they don't even know that is the tip of the invisible iceburg. I say invisible because I dont even know where it is or how to get there, i just know I don't want to touch it or find it. I am strong in a lot of ways, but I dont want to have to be strong all the time. So i sit here alone and in pain and not a soul knows. be back later

still sitting here, just wishing this day would end and its not even 6:00 yet. My head hurts so much dont know why mmy hands are shaking, gonna go lay down

its over

Well i went to the Parents house. I survived, now my objective is to stay away from there as long as possibe. I feel so bad for my neice, she doesn't know how to express how she is feeling. What seven year old would? so she gets snappy with Joe, and then he is the "you better listen to me father" with encouragement of course from our psyco excuse for a father. so Brianna crys for her mommy that she doesn't even know is in GA, cause her mommy didnt even care enough to tell her, cause god for bid than Brianna would want to be with her mom and her mom is too damn selfish. I told the phycho dad on the way home that Brianna needs understanding. He says Joe doesnt disipline them enough, i told him you know what i know? I know that she is 7, her mom and dad are divorcing and that she can't express how she feels. so in stead she gets angry, and joe is hurting and in stead of letting himself feel that, he gets angry. thats what i know. The phycho dad says well they go through the same thing every time he tells them to brush their teeth and go to bed, he say he is not mad at Brianna he is mad at Joe. I asked him why does he have to be mad at anyone? they are both hurting. I said, wouldnt it be better if he told the kids "ok, if you guys get ready for bed when i tell you, without arguing, i will bring you a special reward tomorrow when i come home" I said isnt that better then yelling and fighting, they are children. he said I was right (shock) it tore my heart out when she was crying for her mommy, i wanted to go hug her tight and tell her that everythings going to be ok. Joe needs to have someone else watch her on friday cause the parents are going to HOMO so i told joe to bring her to my house i will take her out and have fun. I am going to give her my number and tell her to call me any time she wants. ppl dont understand what a blessing they are given when they have children, i know lots of ppl do, and i know there are lots of good moms and dads, it just breaks my heart that i couldnt be one of them going to sleep now i hope Barb

wish i could stay home<font size="+1"></font>

I dont want to go, i just wanna stay home dont wanna do anything, i know if i say that the guilt words will come out of her mouth, i am just not gonna stay long. feeling sad and just wanna stay in my bed. hating life at this moment tired sleepy me's I told mom i was trying to get motivated to come there tomorrow she say why i told her i was tired, she said well you stayed home all day. I dont want to go, why can't i just tell her? well i know why cause i would be crucified I hate not having energy. oh well

Stupid me's

again I ate it didnt stay. so happy but not, i still am fat. I dont know what kinda crap dawn's got in her head wanting me to ride the bus? No way, its a waste of time, so big deal yeah the man did what he did, everyone knows its not now it was over 30 years ago, they know the difference between then and now so big fucking deal we aren't wasting our time on that because its nothing we want to do. if its something you want to do go for it LOL any way we have to go to the old ladies bithday yaaaa thats fucking wonderful we are counting the minutes. Joe doesnt care about you Barbara cause if he did he would call you not hide from your wissie ass. fuck him. Tell someone who cares, keeping up and your ass will be so far back you want see sunshine so why dont ya just go cry or something? your so weak you couldnt even hold yourself together LOL literaly. Just go in your fucking purple room and stay there forever your not needed. silence? surpised LOL and i dont care who the fuck sends this to Ms dawn lady doesnt matter to us in the least. who knows we might make ourselves known in sunday school LOL you all would love that aye? Than Mary can say we are possessed LOL and we can put in on thick freak those good Christian ppl out, it would be quite fun LOL quite crying damn we are going to go play now LOL tell someone who cares

Tired

Hi i enjoyed church today and the van ppl were on time to take me and pick me up shock boring day for the most part, enjoyed talking with april and doing email, i dont feel alone so much that way, napped a big with Olsen, i love cuddling with my faithful doggie, it has such a calming peaceful effect on me's didnt eat good, just a banana and chips but i ate too much chips. i shouldnt buy them the sun chips but i love them, have another bag, but not gonna open them for at least a week. Goodnight to me, i need to get some sleep Bjs

Another day

today was ok, beth came over and we watched a movie. the electric went out for a while about an hr it wasn't too bad, feeling nothing at least trying to, think i am going to lay down feeling useless waste of time, but i know thats not true

Hi its me who ever i am

well since the Tea things have gone down hill. I did end up purging but I did tell Dawn, which i am proud of myself for that. I just wish i liked being me. I am tired and depressed and lonely. Scared about the drama going on inside. Not wanting to know, but needing too know. sared to know, not caring to know. everything is so messed up, part of me is glad and not wanting this to get better, part scared, part wanting to find hope, part knowing there is none. part wanting to destroy myself so much, part wanting not to. part mad at the world, part cheated and defeated. part just wanting to play forever never to have an adult life and all the responsibilities that go alone with that. part in so much pain that she feels like she is dying wanting and waiting for that, part that wants the love and protection from someone anyone, part that doesnt feel she deserves that one bit, parts that want to be noticed want attention and if they can't have want they want they would rather help others do other things to make things short, life short. they feel they will never be free to be who they are, and i am thinking they are right. dont even know who is typing or where all these words are coming from, what will happen to us? it feels like a shattered piece of glass in there with lots of sharp points that never will ever fit together to make a whole. glass that needs to be slept up and put in the trash where it belongs. we just can't find the glue to fix us, its out of our reach Shattered we are for ever we will be who our the shattered pieces of me? some things are not to be known or to be shown, only to be alone

The Tea and now?

Went to the Tea, actually had an ok time, still have to watch what comes out of the mouth and Carol and Pam dont really trust me with things. The reason i feel this way is Carol asked Pam why they weren't having the Tea in the foundry and she said she would tell her later. I was the only other person there, so of course this means for some reason she doesn't trust me with the info. That does hurt. oh well. I ate what i feel is too much, hope i will keep in there tho dont want to. what am i doing here? How can I learn to like me and be happy with me? just want to leave, wish i wouldnt feel this way. bye for now from who knows who?

Just don't know anymore

I dont know, i am so tired of feeling so sad and alone. when will it get better? do I even want it to? So tired of myself every single part of me, want to disappear so much, never have to go out, just stay inside my house. yes i dont wanna be alone, but i also dont wanna be with ppl just wish i could melt away. tired of fighting and not even knowing what i am fighting for. I just feel i am not worth it to fight for. now i am gonna have this compion person 12 hrs a week, she seems really nice, but i dont want to be with anyone especially for 12 hours a week. I wish i wanted to. I wish i was sure that i even want things to be better and not worse. takes so much energy to just be out amongst ppl. Like going to this Tea on sunday, i like seeing carol but that takes so much energy too. to stay grounded and be "the good happy christian girl" to watch everyone keeping someone up front to interacted with "christian" ppl and that can tolerate that. wish i just could stay in my house forever, for Olsen i go out, but even thats so hard, with the cousin yesterday, shopping even so hard. I am a mistake shouldnt have even survived, guess god has a good sense of humor. I should just let the dark ones take over so we won't be dont know what I am fighting for no one will ever see any way tired of fighting this battle with in if ppl really knew who we were they would be very disappointed. I know i am i dont belong any where its hard not to belong wish someone would just take me's away