tired but wanted to write something

I haven't written in here in like a week so wanted to write something any way, feeling like crap today, haven't been sleeping well. Had a fairly decent day with Miya, finished my book "a child called it" wow what that that kid went through it was so hard to hear, but good too, because if he can go through all that torture and survive, not only that, but do good with his life and have kids and stuff, it gives me hope that people (Bjs crowd) can face what ever we need to and maybe help are situation get better, and i venture to say Maybe?? get along who knows. Met this companion person we are going to have named R.K. she seems really nice. She use to be a cop in another state, long story, but her mom was raped at 16 and had her and she ended up years later arresting her own father, talk about JUSTICE wow, someone told in here told her she should write a book, i mean thats like one in a million chance. she didnt tell him who she was, i wouldnt been like i am your Daughter, yes you raped my mom, i see you havent changed you ways, and now your going to Jail for a very long time, but she didnt say anything, talk about fuck with your mind ya know? i mean wow that must have messed her up for a while? maybe not? We are meeting grace tomorrow, hope Barb will deal with that please Barb? any way, we will write more tomorrow
someone here i think

feeling ick

had a good day, Miya was good for the most part and they were actually there to pick me up on time. major shock. really tired going to stay in and veg tomorrow. my stomach doesnt feel good, and saw a kitty that was hit going on the way to eat. hurt my heart so much. going to sleep now

sosdd

glad this day is over, although no one cares i guess. My head is killing me. dont get it, wish i could start over dont like who i am and apparently no one else does. I am not going to break my neck trying to keep friendships going, as they say friendships are a two way street and my street is under repairs for the foreseable future
people should have listened to me, it would have saved your hearts lots of pain.

I dont have enough energy as it is, so i am done on my end

The bitchy one

I have a sad heart tonight

what a day, its started wonderful but it sure didnt end that way. we had a wonderful music program at church. It was so beautiful i enjoyed it so much. when I came outside to wait for the van, i got a call that my friends service dog died very unexpectly. gosh my heart is so sad for her. I know how devastated i would be if it was my Olsen. then i was sitting at church till after two. the bastards. so tired. came home took something to help me calm down took a nap for a while. At around 7 I took Olsen out and brushed him reallly good. He is shedding so much its unbelievable.
so now i am going to go lay down watch TV. I pray for you Grace that God will hold you tight in his hands, send you wings to hold you up until you can fly again with a new furry friend. 

so thankful for my olsen, so blessed for my friends and family of choice.

what a messed up day to the max well almost

damn what a f ed up day. We went to meet Anne I know we told her at bells outlet outside at the end because the greek place was across the little street. I would think the word street would denote outside? we sat there for almost an hour, we went inside looked at the bells inside. we didnt see her, we called and checked messages at home, no messages from her, so we went to the restraunt and had a salad. Then we went to kmart, we never go to that store only cause we hardly go to Seminole Mall. So we went in the kmart, we bought clothes. Shorts and tops. we werent going to wear shorts cause our legs dont have muscles so they look so weenie looking, but i was like what the hell? who cares what ppl think we deserve to be comfortable specially since that heat crap happens to us all the f ing time.

I picked some cute stuff, actually I am going to be sure we go to that kmart more often, it was pretty cool.

so then we get home, there was two messages from Anne she was waiting inside Bealls in stead of the outlet danm I apologized and she did too it was truly a misunderstanding, but again i am thinking ok i did say you cross a little street. BUT I didnt know there was also a Greek place in the mall by bealls LOL damn what else could go wrong?  didnt know she would have a cell phone so i didnt ask, i am sorta impressed that she has one, most ppl her age don't try what they consider to be new technology LOL even tho they been around for like twenty years LOL still probably considered new to old ppl.

oh well i feel bad about it

came home take a nap i am really tired still so going to go in bed
Goodnight to me, myselves and I
The Good Gurl

pitfalls and standards why the discrepency?

man so full from those stupid chips i dont know why i did that now i don't feel well and i gotta go eat with my friend anne tomorrow. least she is letting me take her to the greek place in stead of that place at Kmart. danm couldnt handle that i dont think. really don't wanna go out tomorrow. Its so nice that anne wants to buy me a dress for easter, but for some reason, I absolute dont feel like wearing a dress its weird, i don't get it really never felt so strongly about what i wear before. Really feels strange to object to something like that. I been tired all day, even though i napped in the afternoon. 

I really was happy when i went to work with Miya yesterday. Christi had told me that i have made a big difference in her behavior. Really  I didnt believe it, i thought Christi was just saying that. yesterday though one of the teachers came up behind me and whispered in my ear that I have done so good with Miya and she is like a different child when i am there. she said she is even polite LOL That really helped me feel good, I have been really working hard with her to have good manners and say please and thank you. she acted up really bad in lunch and when she came out of the locker room from changing. She said I am really sorry for the way i acted in lunch. I thanked her for apologizing that i really appreciate it. 

Its hard for me to think i would have such a positive effect on someone. wow

wish i could have such an effect on myself. How can I be so good to others and not to myself? why dont i feel I deserve goodness? why can i tell Miya she is beautiful just how she is, but not believe that about myself? why do I have a whole different standard for me? why do I expect so much from me, when i would never expect that much from others? wish i knew.

So many questions, but no answers why do i hate me so much? whats so bad about me? 

To be continued
someone here

why do i always screw up?

my eating has been really bad, i been craving sun chips so much but every where i have gone doesnt have them. so what do I do? i go get a big bag of potato chips and ate most of the bag great.. I dont know why dawn keeps messing with my head, i dont know what she is trying to do but i dont like what ever it is, only have six more weeks to work with Miya before school is out, i am going to miss her durn the summer. think i am going to get some coffee

Lost

So sad dont know how to make it better. wish it would end. Lost and dont know where i am tired even too tired to write no use putting down thoughts, it doesnt matter, i dont matter. hope to feel better

feeling terrible

feeling so depressed not sure why, so tired dont understand why my leg is all swollen. I hurt it a few weeks ago, when i pinned it dont understand why it took all this time to swell up? I stayed in bed for most of the day with it up. It looks a tad better but not much, its still a little sore. ate a banana and candy bar today i know thats not a lot but its better than nothing. really struggling today with food stuff, it was bound to happen cause i ate things that i usually don't. sometimes i get so scared though cause part of me doesnt care and doesnt want to eat, just wants to get small, i feel like a fat cow today. How i wish i didnt have to deal with anything and could stay in my house forever. I am tired. Sick of my drama that I cause to my own self, this is all my fault. everything is. The past is the past, it is my fault that i let it effect me like this. There is nothing i can do about the past, I let it haunt me, i give it the power it has over me; I have no one to blame for my current circumstance but me. How is it that i am so weak as to let myself give in to all that crap? I am a mess and its all my fault. all the ppl that hurt me in the past are just fine, it doesnt bother them in the slightest, they live their life. no nightmares, body stuf and flashbacks. I need to be stronger. I am not the past but i let it control me. Talking about things doesnt change them. why can't i just let it go? see i am not strong, i am weak. your thoughts control how you feel so therefore its my thoughts that have me in this hell. I should just stop everything. stop trying and hoping. I am not strong enough, i deserve to feel like crap cause thats what i do to myself they are my thoughts; everyone says put the past in the past dont dwell on it, so why dont I cause i am weak thats why enough enough of it all there is no hope for me. I can't make it stop, i can't change nothing. its my fault all of it every single thing because I am not little anymore have no one to blame but me for this pain;