waiting for a meeting to start here at church at 2:00 p.m. times like these the computer comes in handy. Well I got my hours back for my personal care actually I really don't think we lost them they just weren't billed correctly because of some kind of new billing system. I don't know how to feel about the whole Dan thing? At church today, they talked about loving your enemy and all that. The thing is? how many times do you put yourself out? so I asked this and the usual answer came 70x7. well I refuse to believe that we are suppose to do that and keep getting hurt all the time. It can't be, when is it ok to say enough? well I have had enough from him, he said when has he ever let me down LOL He has never made himself accessible for me to where I felt I could even ask him anything, I mean when you never answer the phone, or never call back? well it gives you the idea just don't ask. I am home now by the way. been for a long time. cleaned off my table real good since I had my computer off of it. there is lots of tension about so many things

going to go lay down and try to get some rest
Barb mostly

what a day, my support coordinator for my services was supposed to come over today.  Stacy was over to get me dress.  Joanne called to say she wasn't going to come today. it turns out my hours were cut. my personal care hours were cut by 8 per week, I had 18 totally but that includes laundry cleaning and shopping.(they eliminated cleaning service totally, so the personal-care hour increase was to make up for that in a roundabout way) Joanne doesn't know why and wanted to look into it further so she'll have more answers when she sees me. The parents brought the van back, Stacy and I were supposed to go out tonight. she didn't call I called twice before she called back. I wasn't in the mood to go out anyway but that's really not the point, she answered one of my calls saying she would call back in five minutes. she called back two hours later LOL it is really frustrating. One thing I have learned she sure does beat to her own drum, she's quit quite a few jobs beside what she does for me. one time she had to read a newspaper, yes ladies and gentlemen a whole newspaper to someone at a nursing home. She was getting paid $15 an hour for this that was all he asked her to do.  You would've thought that it took her to the depths of hell LOL she quit that job because she refused to go back there or got fired most likely

don't get me wrong I really like her it's just that I wish she would realize how it makes me feel when I am forgotten it's not really that, she eventually remembers it just brings up a lot of stuff and reminds me when I was around the parents.

Oh well that's all for now

just thinking

I have been thinking a lot about truth lately.  How some people fear it, how some people run from it and how some people spend almost their whole life hiding from the real truth.  I have been learning a lot about this subject.  I think I am even becoming more secure in some  ways because of the truth

I have been working hard to try to make my life better overall, that being said yes I still avoid many things. it amazes me how people can lie so easily about someone else.  I really don't understand this, I know they have a conscience.  Sometimes I think it's because people are so desperate not to be alone with themselves. I think that they dislike themselves so much The person that they are, that they will say anything to have someone, anyone.

I know this in part because there was a time in my life that I didn't like to be alone with myself. so I would do and do for others and make myself available anytime the phone would ring. yes there was a part of me that truly did want to help people, but I realized when I could be honest that wanting not to be alone came first as my motivation

One thing I never did though was lie about others. there were times I lied about myself because I felt that it was the only way for me to keep  safe but I would not lie about other people just to be a friend of someone else.  Something so outlandish was said about me recently, I am not even going to write it here because it's just not worth the space.

I just hold on to what I know is true, like I said it's almost like security or helping me feel secure because the truth never changes. No matter what anybody says about me, I know the truth, what I may have said and my motives for saying whatever. I want to spend my life around people that like themselves enough that they won't say they are something  that they aren't just to be around me. If they feel something that I think or something that I say is idiotic I want friends that won't be afraid to say that in fear that I might abandon or talk about them to anyone who would listen.

I think about the mother and the fact that she is 64 years old and is still hiding. I think about the psycho dad and how his rage is just under the surface waiting for any opportunity to escape. This is because he is running from his truth. running from his past and what happened to him. Saying that his life was wonderful even though he somehow fell out of a three-story window when he was two years old. (that I have been told took lots of strength to open)  Even though his father was a raging alcoholic by everyone's account in his family except for a very few

Truth can be very scary and it's very scary a lot of times. It doesn't change though no matter what anyone says it's always the same. I will hold onto mine till maybe someday it will hurt anymore. I still have the fear though that if it is spoken it will destroy. So this is the big irony and contradiction of this rant.

We will see what tomorrow brings
from someone here

we try to help

we was trying to help we not know that would make them mad we not want make no one mad at no one we not feeling good now we feel so like no fighting no more we feel like body deserves hurt and we not should fight them so hard we not care it hard to fight someone even tho she not be big she be real strong very strong and it be taking lots of people to keep her back then we got thoughts that they all be right and we really are bad very bad and we think it maybe help us feel better if we let her do that then we no have to fight for a little bit we trying but not know how long we can keep trying feel very sad very very sad and feel there be no help for us really 

poem Hold On Tight for TFT

Hold On Tight

 

to our friends we are here

we will never disappear

we will hold on tight

even when you feel fright

and feel you have no right

we will hold on tight

till you don't feel frighten

till your days feel bright

we will hold on tight

even if you feel you can't go on

we will hold on tight

till you feel you can again

this is not the end

it will be bright again

just hold on tight

till that is in your sight

your not alone we are here too

we care about you

we are holding your hand

we understand

we are holding on tight

never let go

 

Hold On Tight

 

To All Of TFT

from

Bj's crowd

 

July 7th 2008

 

Speak your truth without fear. It is your history, your life  and your reality.  You survived and  are  free
Bj's  Crowd

happy Fourth of July?

still don't feel the greatest today thank the Lord that headache is gone.  But I don't know how to explain it, how I am feeling now other than to say my brain still feels half-asleep.  I seriously was thinking about calling 911 at one point.  I was sitting there all by myself crying because I hurt so bad. I am definitely going to ask the doctor for something to take.

Stacy came so I could take a shower today.  she has been saying she will mop the floors for two days she could have got it finished while I was taking a shower.  When I asked her if she did them, she said no but she's off tomorrow and Sunday.  I am going to call her tomorrow and ask her if she would come over and do them. even though I'm planning hopefully to go to church once again on Sunday, maybe I'll make it there this time. I was just going to ask her to do it on Sunday but she also conveniently didn't take the basket full of clothes with her either. Which means I probably wouldn't get them back until at least Wednesday knowing her.

I wish so much that I could sleep for about three days I shouldn't complain because my friend hasn't got much sleep in weeks.  My brain feels like it is in slow motion.  Larissa came to see me today I haven't seen her in a very long time it was nice to see her she brought me a salad

Well I guess this is a pretty boring update but I guess that's to be expected when you have a pretty boring day. I'll take boring anytime it is better than a migraine from hell, on that lovely note I will say goodnight to me myself and I

poem

Please Just Stop

 

Please stop being so mean

we are so tired of the bad dreams

Please let us know that you hear

please stop saying you don't care

Please know we don't want you to go

Please just be nice to us

please stop making us so scared

please stop so maybe we won't feel bad

please stop causing us this pain

please before we go insane

please stop yelling and hurting

before we have to stop in stead

 

Please Just Stop

 

July 2, 08

Bjs Crowd

 

 

we be lonely and sad n fraid

we bees fraid n lonlee wees not no wat tu do bowt tat wee tird peepls fitin n we frad tay goin tu hert sum1 coz tay beed madd how kan peepls no fite? how kan tey beed happee? hart beed so so sadd

a weird Tuesday

not feeling so good today, lots of thoughts running through my mind I am feeling a deep sadness. I had another strange dream.  I dreamt of a friend of mine that died.  This is the first time I've had a dream about him and it's really strange to me.  In the dream he wasn't doing well just like it was before he died, he needed to be at a different place where he could be taken care of, but he was upset because he was there. There was another part of the dream where I was in an elevator with people that I didn't know, Olsen was there to I can't remember much about that part except that we were supposed to do something and we kept getting lost and missing our floor, all the people were teenagers myself included, the person that was me could walk around and had no physical problems, it was almost like we were at a big college, because we went in to some of the rooms and their were other young ppl there with books and computers everywhere

I found out that my personal-care hours were cut, by I think 8 a week. I don't understand why.  I am thinking maybe my support  coordinator didn't know because she always calls me if there is going to be any kind of change. I called her and left a message on her phone and haven't heard from her yet.  It is kind of scary to have my services cut, even though I don't use all the hours most times it is a comfort for me that I have the time and I need it it helps me feel more secure

The van is broken, I haven't heard what's wrong with it yet, in a way sometimes I wish I didn't have it because I know I wouldn't be able to spend time with the parents as much which would be good overall but I also wouldn't be able to go to Orlando for canine companions  stuff and just extra things

Stacy bought the remote back for me thank goodness I was so happy to get that thing out of my house! Trying to program the thing was the most aggravating thing that I have done in a long time I am fighting to stay in front cause things are well I just dont have a good feeling but I am getting tired, kinda scared
I guess that's all I have to say for now