feeling so sad and stupid

was trying to help a friend and think I said something I shouldnt have, they have programming in their backround and are having such a rough time was talking to them for a long time and was saying that the guy that D used to get free was really good, they said that they were triggered by the guys site and they got punished for going there

I said well maybe someday cause I think a lot of the things that are going on have lots to do with programming and I dont think their T knows enough about that to help and they went off line, I am just worried that maybe they felt hopeless about everything cause I said that? yes I know the T would say that's is their issue, but we try so hard to be careful with our words and the last think we want to do is hurt someone when things are so hard already :( I feel like an idiot 

all I want to do is get in bed and stay there, I hate there is so much evil in the world so much abuse I just hate it
I dont wanna go out tomorrow but I will make myselves :(
mixed of bunch of mixups

Bjs 

Monday the great

I thought I would write because it's been a whole week since I have.  Today I went to school with the kids being with the kids was uneventful.  I always get there early so I decided to go to the cafeteria, to get some lunch.  I had Olsen, I grabbed a tray and ended up spilling it on the floor (great) they got me another tray I went into the teacher's lounge.  I was done with my food and trying to get out of the door this is very hard because of the narrow hallway so I can't get exactly to one side my foot rest was wedged in against the door I had to let Olsen go by this time a child was coming over to help me but when I let Olsen go of course she had to scream very loudly so all her friends with know one of the teachers finally got up and help me out the door I told my friend Sandy I am never going into that cafeteria again she said she would help me get what I wanted so if I wanted anything just to tell her

Luckily my right was there right on time and I didn't have to wait made me really happy.  I ordered Olsen his favorite chews and they came in the mail today I know this update was pretty lame but oh well the only thing I felt like saying I guess
goodnight to me myself and I

Lonely frustrated and scared

Today is Friday I went out with Stacy to lunch in the movie we saw Michael Clayton it was a really good movie and I went to Wal-Mart and got Olsen to drummel that I wanted to tomorrow is the festival at the church gosh how I don't want to go I am still fighting the urge to self injure it's taking so much out of me I am trying my best I am so unhappy at this moment I feel so invisible I feel like nobody knows how much I I am hurting, and I guess that's true no one does I feel so alone so far away from everything and everyone I wish so much I could give up

I should've went to bed a couple of hours ago like I planned but now it's 10:30 p.m. I am so sad so tired so lost

I am going to go having trouble focusing on the screen don't want to switch who knows if I go to bed so better leave while I still have the power to do so I hate this life I hate the way I am

frustrated totally

gosh I feel so crappy, didnt go to school today. started getting a headache at 9:30 last night. got up took meds and some extra seroquel cause things have been really hard internally. my head got progressively fworse, got up at 2 am and took some advil, I was in so much pain, at 3 am I didnt know what to do was hurting so bad and my stomach was queasy. I was getting in my chair and threw up (least it wasnt in the bed) called Larissa, my aide I knew she was with her main client, she couldnt come till he woke up cause she didnt want him to get scared if she wasnt there, so I got back in bed. Olsen was so worried about me he stayed close to me in bed the whole time. I fell asleep for a bit Larissa came at 5 and cleaned my chair and the floor. I called at 6 to canc my ride to the school. I feel better than I did but the head still hurts a bit
Not firmly planted either, I think I am suppose to go out with Dan his wife and that guy he wants me to meet, but I not sure, I called him twice yesterday left a message for him to call me cause I am not sure when we are suppose to meet, he is playing golf, so left two messages for his wife to call me because if its tomorrow I need to make my transport arrangements, she hasnt called so if it is tomorrow and she doesnt call on time I am not going to be able to go. I am going to the school tomorrow cause I told another teacher I will come to speak to his students about Olsen so will make that trip and F him

the parents are here they bought a stand for the TV because the reason I am having so much trouble seeing it is cause of the angle I look from when in bed, so this will fix that cause it could move all over, but the cable ppl said besides that my signal isnt good so they are coming out thursday.

I am so down, hate myself right now hate DID and everything it brings and hate them for abusing me in the first place :(


 

ramblings from me and the wall

 

Today is Wednesday, I'm still not used to going to the therapist on Wednesday it kind of messes up my whole week just that little change. The teacher called back that wanted us to speak to his class tomorrow saying that he forgot the schedule change so now somehow we agreed to do all his classes on Tuesday instead of the two classes that is a lot of classes and we are idiots for agreeing to it poor Olsen

We are really tired I think we are going to take our medicine and go to bed really soon one disadvantage of being multiple is never being able to truly take a vacation you're all stuck together whether you want to be or not and it stinks totally

and no one gets paid for their service's no retirement fund, no overtimepay and no sick time totally unfair what did we do to deserve this? Abuse to be abused again, over and over and over there is no way to leave it. There is no way to leave us and there is no way to leave the people that hurt us because they are burned in our memory and in our minds are pictures that we see. They Affect our body our ability to function our energy our dreams and our nightmares why are we holding certain ones off maybe they are right maybe they have the right idea? Okay so things happen so what? Move on already! Why are we being tortured? Seeing it, hearing it and feeling? Personally I want out!

Whoever I am, I am not me I am not you I am nothing no one no where invisible no one sees me no one knows me no one hears me just i am here, when you need me but yet I am not free I am stuck in the body that I don't want people that I don't like against my will I am here there is no fear there is just hate because there's no escape never forever I'm here even though I thought I had disappeared it was a cruel joke that no one spoke until I found myself once again. I will never be your friend, I was never meant to be a friend, to be understood or cared about, just part of the wall that broke now there are too many holes too much to unfold, this is not what was suppose to happen this is not what I want, but no one cares so why should I? the one who is not enough to have a name part of the numb ppl