SAD sad sad

feeling so sad wish i could cry so many and much of me's are hurting. No one knows, and we are sad too cause our friend carol hasn't called us the whole summer and only email once. just so disconnected and feeling so uncared about, but knowing that she does care. Its just hard cause its like because she is not here, i dont exist but again thats just my feeling and not reality but it hurts so much her not calling cause I did leave a message once that i was thinking about her. Just feeling so sad about the whole sunday school situation, which i am pretty sure i wrote another entry about but not sure, too tired to go over it tho so will check my entries sometime and see if i have explained it.

worried about my Brother Joe, have just been having a horrible feeling that he is going to have a car accident. for those that may not know, sometimes I see things or have feelings about things that eventually have come to happen. I have been pushing it down, trying not to think about it, because I have never felt or seen something about someone i care about. The mom also has this ability and i finally told her about it, and started crying. She told me that on March first, he was pulled over by a cop at 1 am, his tag and lic was expired, because his b day is feb 13. well the cop said he smelled alcohol on his breath. well he said to the cop, i dont know how to bring this up but my cousin is Jerry Stramiello, (he is a cop) so he said your Stams cousin? he said yeah, so the cop didnt charge him with DWI just for the expired tag and Lic. and made him take a cab home. 

the mom didnt tell me this before, so any way i am hoping and praying this is why i been having this horrible feeling, and that nothing worse is in his future, he is not the brother that i know anymore and i am so sad, cause i loved him and he is the only one in my immediate family that i have love for any he loved me. I do love the mom, but  its not the same cause I dont really love her cause she is my mom, just cause i know she suffered in her life possibly more so than me, but that i will never know, because i dont think she can reach that info for her self.

the brother i knew is gone, and i feel a part of me is gone with him

well i survived

well its over thank goodness, was nice seeing Sr. Mary and her friend Shirley. course the psycho dad had to sit next to me and it was a small table so I was so uncomfortable, but i held it together no thanks to anyone else in here. He put his arm across the back of my chair which I hate, so I told him he was invading my space. I asked Sr. Mary to pray for my brother Joe because he is in bad shape. The psycho dad says "my Joe? in bad shape?" I said yes he is, and he was like saying he was fine just having a hard time so then that subject was ended. I hate him, the world can be crashing down and he doesnt want know one to know so he just ends the conversation. any way gotta get up early tomorrow, or someone does cause its NOT gonna be me so if no one chooses to be here in the morning i am staying it bed at home just telling you all so you know thats for inside of course
Barbara

Barbara the throw out

its me Barbara now I realize my purpose in here. when no one wants to deal with people around here they somehow throw me out to do it for them.  they know we're going with parents tomorrow, some now they just throw me out to deal with all the hard stuff, dealing with this is the parents so that's my purpose that's what I'm here for now? You all stink I hate every  single one of you. I don't have the energy to do this I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna go tomorrow if it was just the Sr. mary I would love to. you all say that I am weak, if I am so weak why let me deal with them? I am depressed,tired sad and someone puts me here  the night before we go I hate all of you. going to sleep now

do you really want to know the truth, or want me to say what i know makes you happy?

ok have to vent aggggrrrhhh ok Larissa calls me all happy, she went to the glamor shots place, has a free makeup thing to get her picture taken, which i know is a way to get you in there to buy prints so that was last week, well she called just now all excited that the manager of the place wanted to blow up one of her pictures to use in the store for advertising, so i was like are they going to pay you? she says no, they are just going to keep it in the store for a month. they told them it cost them 1000 dollars to make the picture (yeah sure) and if she wants to take it home after that she has to pay 80 percent of their cost to make the picture which is 200 dollars. so I was like Larissa thats a lot of money and all they have to do its put it on the computer and blow it up, they have their own studio, So she said "you are making me upset" I said why? cause i was excited and you are just like my mother (LOL) every time i happy she says something, i said Larissa i just dont want ppl to take advantage of you and thats a lot of money. so she said its ART and painting (BS) 

But its fine when she telling me i have gained a lot of weight? i am sick of ppl they ask what you think and you tell them, and if they dont like what you say they want to hang up? maybe her and my grandmother and her should get a room together?  I wasn't trying to hurt her, but these ppl know when someones and easy mark. 

i am so friggin aggrivated. gee can't wait to be with the parents tomorrow give me strength, i am feeling an inpending explosion

Another tired Sunday

here I am again I went to church Sunday school was boring. I'd talk to one of the new people that was in our class that I really like I don't think she's gonna come back we were discussing the divinci code the leader of our group is so  closed minded she said she was gonna look for another Sunday school class I'm gonna try to convince her to come back because we need another open minded person in their sides me LOL Jim doesn't realize that his attitude is a real turn off sometimes. when a person thinks he has all the answers he is in trouble at least that's my feeling. he has a little boy what's going to happen when a little boys grows up and starts to get a mind of his own when his mind will not fit in Jim's little neat box. where there's only right and wrong no maybe? Part of the reason our classes to dwindling is because of his close mindedness.

enough of that. I am not feeling really good it again. just real tired I really don't know how I am gonna make it through the whole week to come. Then on Tuesday being with parents all day I am really worried about that. I wish I knew how to make myself feel better. I haven't got much e-mail today that always makes me feel disconnected I am going to lay down maybe I will write more later 
who knows who

me again

frustrated with me's what else is new? I am hungry wish i wasnt such an idiot, i have switching i hate the mood changes its like i dont know how to feel, i have no idea how singletons can possibly feel all the things at onece? sometimes we feel such strong emotions someone can feel such sadness and someone else can be totally happy, how can you feel things all at once i really dont understand how ppl are able to do that, just as singletons can't understand how things are for us, but its so frustrating, how can ppl here even decide if they want to be more together when it feels so forien to us? its like asking singletons to be multiple that wouldnt be a possibility and its not like we would ever say oh yeah you should definately be multy its awesome. I mean it sucks but being single can suck too so how do you handle it? there are some in side that can't stand others, want to be their own person, but that can never be. so how do you make this existance be ok? How can We be happy this way? thats why some of us just want to stop. stop being because we feel we can never be totally free in this life, i dont think there ever can be true peace within so what is the benifit of being here this way? this way stinks and its the only way we know and feels like its too hard to be different we just dont know how. i am so tired of this war within, and frankly really the world at large sucks I feel there is no solution, no way to make it better no way to be happy not like this.  it feels impossible to live this way and it possible to live any other way i am feeling so hopeless about us our world inside and the world outside really doesnt give me much to want to stay around for. just rambling going to keep this private not for "friends" eyes dont want anyone to freak, but i mean these are valid questions and points aren't they? I need something to hold on for, a reason to try, something to strive for that i truly think is possible, because right now? i dont feel like things will get better within there is too much fighting and chaos and feelings and everyone is different. good night for now my warriors, wish i didnt see you's all in the morning that would make me truly happy

feeling awful

gosh I was sitting watching tv and this horrible sadness came to me and I have no idea why. I feel like crying but i dont know why. I feel so tired and cloudy. dont know whats wrong, I just am feeling so much like i want to stop and give up. I dont know why I just know I do. feeling so alone. so lost without purpose. dreaded next week being at the bible school, i want to i always enjoy it but the thought of going some where everyday seems impossible at this moment going to go lay down

first yesterday, then today

OK I had a huge post yesterday and it went poof at the last minute so I will start with yesterday 

I was getting ready to go to dawn on Tuesday when my grandmother called. I  very rarely call her because she always complains actually that's all she does. she is 89 and still drives a car, she can walk better than my mother and she takes no medication. anyway I called her back last night against my better judgment. she said oh you finally called me back. I pretended I didn't hear her and said what? She said oh nothing. then she proceeds to launch into something that happened between her and my father over a year ago. I told her I didn't want to here it that I called to talk to her. he kept on talking about it I told her again that I didn't want here it. so as expected she started to use her manipulative tears, said that I was upsetting her and good night. she will probably be mad at me for the rest of her life I know it will sound mean but I really don't care I am so tired of her not being grateful for what she has. 

On a happier note Seacret brought her picture to dawn, She really liked it.  Seacret stayed out  the whole hour. she seems really sad which is unusual for her. we did a lot of cleaning and organizing last night that always makes me feel really good.

now for Thursday 

I went to see one of my doctors no big deal there. One of the online groups that I am  on for eating disorders someone wrote that they decided to kill themselves they've made this decision I got so angry and I wrote that it was a very selfish thing to do that I hope she gets help and realizes what it would do to others if she did such a selfish act . someone else wrote and told me to back off, said I needed to be more loving and understanding LOL I hate when people say they're gonna kill themselves online it is so manipulative and mean. they know everybody is at vurerable place.

I am really tired it's been a long day and a very hard day signing out for now
    

My tuesday

ok lets see, i went to the T with no coffee in the system not a good move LOL i am still tired even tho i slept when we got home, but i am jumping ahead. So went there Seacret gave the T the picture she made for her and was there the whole time, thats ok, we think she was sad and maybe that helped but i dont know she still seems pretty sad, which is unusual for her. any way so we asked the driver Brian if he would drop us off at the mall in stead of taking us home so it worked out good he had someone to pick up real close to us so he picked us up at 3 and brought us home its only 5 min from the mall. so we bought a shower head cause the one we had sucked, and we bought the kids some cheap coloring books that they love already. we also bought this speech recognition program from dragon its the best software  for this kinda stuff and they had a cheap one so we bought it, cause we been using the voice in stead of typing lots so this will be better than what came with the puter but still no expensive. we did ask brian about when he is going to pay us the money he owes us, he bought our desktop puter and still owes us 340 and he's had the puter for at least two months and hasnt said much about paying us and we got a big credit card bill so we want and need that money, any way he said he will give it to us "shortly" OK...

we are going to take Olsen for his bath tomorrow, we had made an appt for thurday, but then remembered we had a doctors appt and friday we have a meeting so any way they said we could come tomorrow. Actually i am pretty proud of us cause we been doing really good saving money, we were able to pay our dentist 100 dollars towards what we owe him.

we are really tired. the parents came back tonight from NY and our van is finally fixed so they are going to bring it here tomorrow and just drive to where we are at the mall to bring the Keys. On friday we are going to meet a lady named Voilet who if we like her will be our next companion so wish us luck there.  really not feeling to great, head hurts, dont think we drank enough water today, but oh well going to get ready for bed
someone here

another friday

Another Friday I cleaned the house a little bit threw away some papers always feel better when I do that I got the bill for my shorts that I got a few weeks ago. Oh top too, pretty cool getting an outfit for $1.00 LOL that will probably never happen again in less I go to the thrift store that would even be hard to pull off in a  thrift store would imagine. I am not feeling really good today, my head hurts my stomach hurts I'd just feel blah. Larissa came, so I got my hair washed she did the floor and change my bed. and the man came to put a battery in my smoke alarm thank the lord. no more chirping. I've been saying I was gonna lay down all day but I haven't. I am glad nobody's coming here tomorrow it scares me how happy that makes me. it bothers me that I don't wanna do anything. I am so glad to have a dog that likes me no matter what. HE loves me even if I never say a word. I even think he knows how I feel even if I don't say anything. I love this creature but I feel I don't even Deserve him someties. I feel so lost and  I don't even know what from. how come I can be doing so well and then fall so far that I never think I'm gonna get up again? it happened so fast but then it didn't. it's like I always have to outrun the darkness within. does everybody have to do that all the time?  does everybody have this much pain inside them? Will there ever be the day when I can stop running and enjoy who I am? will there be a day that I can stand still? Will there be day when I won't have to outrun my tears? will the day come that I will feel like I did nothing wrong? will the day come that I won't  have to outrun my rage or even worse deny it's  there at all? Maybe I'm asking too much? I am so tired of running yet too scared to stand still. what is the solution to that? is there one? Thanks for listening 
from many

this day sucked basically

I am so tired of this fricking drama. the aide was suppose to come do the laundry well she kept doing other things she finally came brought the stuff we needed from the store but she didnt feel like doing the laundry, which we could care less about except for the fact that we didnt want to be bothered tomorrow, the stupid guy finally called about the damn alarm and he is going to come early in the morning which is fine it would only take him a min to put a new battery in that thing but now the aide has to come back and no one is in the mood to deal with anyone especially her. any way sorry for being pissy

The Angry One, from the front place

feeling so bad physically and mentally

gosh i dont know whats going  on i know some of the little ones are really sad and someone is crying i think. I know i lost lots of time at dawn's and just havent felt good since.  really i feel like i want to cry but i dont know why. I made an appt friday to take olsen for a bath but i am going to canc it my inside is taking up to much energy and i dont have any to spare, I HATE when this happens cause it makes me feel so "not normal" I am really tired and sleepy, have a bad headache and stomach is all queezy. I dont understand why i can eat junk food and be ok but it seems when i try to eat regular food i feel so sick and end up throwing up, i mean its not that i make myself, it happens even if i dont want to and even if i don't eat lots of food, but i can eat a pint of ice cream or bag of chips and be fine i just dont get that. I just feel like a fat cow i know that though 

also my stupid smoke alarm keeps beeping like every 30 seconds cause the battery is low, i called mant. this morning at 9 am and left a message and no one called or came yet. the damn beep is driving me crazy. i just dont even feel like talking or interacting with anyone, its taking all i have just trying not to get lost in my head. sometimes i feel if i surrender to them i wont be able to find my way out, it seems that happens sometimes where i just almost can't function, but this is different cause i feel if i let that happen i dont know, its like there is a sense of dread and fear thats the different part i think.

Maybe i am crazy after all? god i dont want to see larissa tomorrow, she is coming to do laundry and i asked her to bring me some stuff from the store
give me strenght, give me peace give me calm please

who the hell knows who we are?

My stupid self

I am really frustrated with me. i didnt do anything except sleep and watch my neighbors son who is sick, i am just frustrated about my eating, but i guess not enough to change anything.  i am hungry but will i eat no i am an idiot do i care? sometimes i just dont understand myself with this. but what i do understand about it scares the crap out of me. i had a scoop of ice cream today that was it. I am tired, I am in a battle, the logical part that says you stupid jerk, you should value yourself enough to treat your body good. the illogical me that says i will just am to fat right now, when i loose enough weight i will do right, like i know how. I dont wanna go any where yes i wanna save money but if i am honest thats not all of it, i just dont want to interact with ppl right now I have no desire to, is that wrong? i mean to just wanna  be alone for a while? maybe a LONG while? i mean i am gonna start going to the middle school in the fall, right now i dont want to but i am hoping that will change, it usually does,  I mean i like my solitude, i dont have it really, cause everyone chatting and driving me mad specially today cause someone didnt get to do something they wanted. 

I dont know feel like i am not making one bit of sense, gonna go to bed

good day for the most part

Hi well church was good so glad my fill in aide came she was really nice and didnt mind going to get us coffee thank goodness LOL the sermon today was on "personality" and the different kinds we have. gosh where the heck would me's fit there? I found this neat article about a woman that is multy and i sent it to some ppl that know me's that i trust some that didnt know I am we. I will never go into any deep talk about it, but i feel pretty ok about the ppl that I am and i am not ashamed of being multy and i think I just wanted ppl to know I am normal. yes I have issues, but so does everyone,  So many ppl think that if you multiple they would know, that somehow you would show your "craziness" and that is so far from the truth. yes sometimes i have lost it and myselves, but ppl wouldnt know "oh she is switching" or she is seeing awful things from her childhood now. I guess I just needed ppl to know that its not like the movies, my life is probably more boring and ordinary from most ppl, but yes I had a terrible life, but look how good i am doing, i am no different then you. 

i just know if i am going to be able to deal with whats left within, i need not be ashamed of any part of me, and this was part of me not being ashamed,  a little "coming out" of sorts, saying yeah i an multiple so what, i just needed for my sake more than anyones to speak my truth, if ppl judge me because they know this fact, great cause i would rather know, cause i dont need that negativity 

thanks for listening to the rambles of me the beautiful, intellegent multiple LOL gag

boring rainy tired day

I am really tired today. i dont feel like going any where and trying to save money and if i go out i spend so not going, but even tho i dont feel like going anywhere, it seems when i stay in the house the depression takes hold. I have asked larissa, not to talk about my weight. well i bought a pair of shorts week before last, size med and they fit but where tight and i mean she started yelling at me that i should have got a large and i have gained so much wieght, that she use to be able to hook my bra on the tightest hook not its on the last, but she also doesnt realize that i got rid of those and bought a smaller size.I know she doesnt know about my eating problems but i have told her on two occiasons not to say anything about my weight, i mean i have some shorts that are small and they fit fine it depends on the material, but she was yelling at me then the says dont be mad damn it just makes everything so much harder for me. 

then the mom tells us yesterday, that my soon to be x sister in law calls my brother tells him she is going out of town and he  better take the cat to the vet cause he is dying on the floor so when he gets there and takes the cat he died five min after he got there i am so livid, how can she be that cruel and she has my neices and nephew? you know that cat couldnt have gotten that sick over night, the parents went to NY this morning and they left the checks for my dentist bother at my house i know Joe is going over to his house tomorrow with the kids so i left two messages asking him to call me cause i have dan's stuff and things i bought the kids so was hoping he could stop by since he was going there any way. Of course he didnt bother to call me back, and i know what will happen is dan will call at the last min and just expect me to be available, it pisses me off cause no one thinks my life is important, and even if i am sitting at home is not even the point if i dont wanna be bothered. before they left for ny the dad said just call them once in a while to let them know i am ok, that they arent going to worry about dan or joe, i said i am the last one they should worry about, i have been on my own the longest, and i am doing better then them, of couse he wouldnt agree, he said everyone has their issues. He will always view me as less than and a "problem" just cause i sit down all the time and cant stand up and i just dont get that, why does that have to be his measuring sick of sucess? I hate him

any way writing doesnt really seem like its helping so i am going to stop, if anyone reads this thanks for listen
me myself and I

fuck ya'll

ok warning now i am not in a good mood so if your faint of heart please dont read, i usually dont post on here but i am feeling so angry, I am so tired of this f  ed up life, i never get time out to do anything i consider fun. I can help it that this old women in here are all prissy and shit. this is ridicous what kind of life is this we are stuck in? so they wanna keep me away fuck them, they wont be able to forever and when i get my chance? you all will be sorry your messing with me. I have ppl on my side to you know, and you want to fuck me up? ok fine for now but watch you backs and every other fucking part of you all to, Tired of this christian fucking shit i will get my time or i will take it, and if i take it? watch out thats all i can say. You all dont control me or my sista's just know that and watch out

S