Back again

feeling better than we were, got some rest now hungry but won't eat, we ate 2 doughnuts and had some choc milk this morning, we are thinking about too many things shouldnt have let Barb talk to joe even tho she did good and told him that we are open to maybe moving up there in the future depending how things work out, but it would be a huge change and its a change that she didnt know if she could make, told him that she needed to take things slow

He told her he needed her? she told him that she did love him ect so there is a total war in here now, on top of that hearing about the boy that was so abused at freedom village has brought up so much shit this is not good, we are trying really hard not to self harm but the urge is really strong 

wish it wasn't there, but it is so many are mad about so many different things dont know what to do, just know if our fingers are typing this is good but hard to even type cause can't hold out to what ppl are saying, maybe we should take some meds 
 going to try and watch deseprate house wives 
bye 

From foggy eyes

I have been sitting here for a long time. So many thoughts going through my head so many opinions so many wants and needs but I am sitting here frozen I think I've been here for a couple of hours not really doing much of anything the TV isn't even on but I am sitting here I don't know why I feel so afraid so sad so hopeless so powerless I know someone wants to hurt the body maybe that's why I'm sitting here frozen afraid to move if I stay still maybe I will stay in control? But my legs hurt because they've been hanging down don't have my foot rests on I am really thirsty don't think I've drank anything today I think I'm going to go try and lay down I just needed to write this so I didn't spend all these hours for nothing I wish so much I could start over in another time and another place

sincerely foggy eyes

Thursday

Today is Thursday my second day at school. It went well I think it's going to be an easy year although I don't think I should say that considering that it was only the second day me and Stacy were supposed to go out for the second time she didn't call me to let me know she wasn't coming which is not cool this is the third time this week she changed the day

I am tired of stupid guy Beau finally called me I was trying to thank him for the ugly picture he made me and then when I told him I needed to go he hung up on me yes he definitely has issues no doubt I am not hanging that ugly thing on my wall

I am not feeling really good but I don't know what's wrong emotionally I am really tired but there is a lot of sadness I don't know why and I don't know where it's coming from I just feel very draining I have had a busy week that's probably it. I have to go somewhere to be at a booth for canine companions for four hours gosh I wish I didn't have to go oh well going to lay down now

 

hopes dreams and fear

Today is Wednesday, I had a good birthday. Boy did I get a surprise on Monday Joe's mother called me from his house to say happy birthday boy was I surprised LOL but I was even more surprised to find out that Joe was divorced these last six months or so I have been thinking about him and saying to myself maybe he'll get a divorce, and then yelling at myself that I was crazy well actually others yelling at me that I was crazy I totally can't believe this when he got married I think it was about five years ago I was happy for him but I was so sad at the same time because I realize that that moment how much I really loved him and wish that I could be with him forever

Now maybe I have the chance? I have known him since 1973 that's when we moved to Florida I love his mother in his step dad they have been so good to me throughout the years me and Joe went to concerts together he sent me flowers quite often on my birthdays he was always there even through my problems although I didn't tell him much and gosh I didnt know much, thats a whole nother issues a big one

he has an accessible house that he got through Habitat for Humanity. I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself but at the same time when the time is right I am going to tell him how I feel he is the only person I truly think that I could live with that I want to live with. He lives in Lakeland it would mean leaving a lot of things behind a lot of people behind and I don't know if I could do it but I do think it's possible that I could and the fact that I think it's possible is pretty awesome within itself

I've tried to call him a couple of times but for one reason or another we couldn't talk and I have been abnormally busy this week so I'm going to try again tomorrow when I get home from working with the kids Joe has severe cerebral palsy, I used to think I wanted somebody that would be able to take care of me in all aspects of life but now I know so much of what I thought was important when you get down to it means absolutely nothing

if this does happen I would have a family a real family of my own but that is too hard to think about for right now because it brings up a lot of feelings mainly negative Ones that there's no way that will ever happen so I will leave that for now and just see what tomorrow brings one day at a time

good night for now

my Friday and the other stuff

 

Beth took off work today and we met to go to the movies. We saw the Brave one with Jodie Foster it was really good lots of violence but not so much that it overpowered the goodness of the movie. I had salmon to eat and was really proud of myself but then I came home and I ate three doughnuts I don't understand why I do these things. Tomorrow one of the ladies that works for wheelchair transport invited me out to dinner for my birthday she always remembers my birthday because I think her fathers is the day after mine. But now the last thing I want to do is eat

I tried to set up up a my space I bought this program that was supposed to help you I kept having errors all the time so I went there and try to do with myself man I was confused yes I guess we are getting old

I am feeling quite jumbled right now so many things are going around in my head but only bits and pieces of different conversation I can't hold on to any enough to decipher anything I am really tired I haven't been sleeping well I haven't been taking too much extra Seroquel because the last time I did I would still love for a couple of hours afterwords and then exhausted for the next day. I am so tired of these nightmares

I did discover a neat thing today, this new mouse I got is rechargeable but the batteries don't last very long well it stopped working and I thought to myself I bet this thing will work plugged in why not? And it sure did yes I am getting old LOL I'm so tired that I don't want to go to bed for some reason I am stressed out about this festival at the church not that I need anything to make me stressed out but then I'm supposed to do the thing for canine companions on the 29th and then go to the workshop for Olsen on October 6 I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed but I think it's only because I'm tired.

As far as that guy wrote about in my last entry I am keeping him at more than an arms length he wants to do too many things to fast, there is a difference between being lonely and being needy, I'm sure he definitely is lonely but the neediness is stronger than anything else so for lots of reasons we are not going to well let's just put it this way we are going to stay on high alert where he is concerned

I am going to start of the school on Monday I hope everything goes okay I guess that's all for now I feel like there's so much on my mind but I can't get a hold of any of it very frustrating

I'm going to take some extra pills tonight and hopefully sleep but going to call dalton first of course LOL

goodnight to me and the universe

I am trying to get in the habit of writing again I relaxed a lot today there is a spot on the back of my leg that always ends up getting pinched especially when I is different bathrooms I know it's weird that I don't feel like going through everything as to why it happens that just take my word on it anyway needless to say I am very uncomfortable so I've been trying to lay down a lot today Larissa came and washed my hair thank goodness and I took Olsen out to brush him really well, he really needed it especially since this is the first time we rushed him really good since we've been back home boy the hair was flying! LOL

we have to go to a meeting Wednesday for this stupid committee we are on what a mess this has been

One of our neighbors who has lived here as long as we have asked us to come have dinner with him tomorrow we found out we have quite a bit in common with him, we don't want to hurt his feelings we accepted his invitation even though we really didn't want to, he seems to be going way too fast for our liking, he called today he wanted us to come to dinner tonight but we said we were laying down which we were we don't like doing things out of the blue like that, then he wanted us to come to church with him or temple I should say which we are not opposed to doing we think it may be interesting but he seems to go too fast, he is from California he was adopted and abused by his adopted family. He became a nurse was minding his own business walking down the street when he was attacked by members of a gang. This caused severe damage to his back, he is in constant pain all the time and takes morphine he walks as much as he's able with crutches and braces. he also self injures/injured when he looked at our arm and said he did too (goody) NOT

He was married for a short time his wife died of cancer and I guess what worrying us a lot in that he made a comment that are name, the first initials and middle are the same as his wife's. He said how he cleaned up his apartment because he wanted to invite us over

so we are going to go over his house tomorrow to have spaghetti, I wish Barb wasn't so nice because everybody's on alert now, I can tell you that we are not going to make this a habit that's for sure and damn Spaghetti? to eat that in front of another person? well it aint going to be me thats for damn sure
(as us chimes in)

anyway I guess we better go to bed

 someone

so confused

Been forever since I've written here I think it will help if I start again I went to New York I'm glad I did just don't understand why some things happened. Do I have a sign on my head that says abuse me? I just don't get it, why do people think it's okay to talk to me like I AM nothing? Yes I need help not a lot of help but I do need some I was trying so hard to put my bra on I could not do it

Things take me so much longer than the average person for the most part. So why do people complain about things that take them literally two seconds? I will never understand that, the therapist said we are entitled to be warm and comfortable. But how does she know that? Just because other people are entitled to that doesn't mean that we are.

What makes a person entitled to those things? Just because they're on the earth? Because there are a lot of people on the earth and lots of them aren't warm or comfortable and they never have been, they were told they were enemies of their families and told that the problems in the family were their fault but the therapist said what happened was not our fault with the cousins

If so many people feel the same way about us, it must be something we're doing or that we did? I wish so much we can go away because I just don't think we belong here. I think we never have I know they say that God doesn't make mistakes but I just feel sometimes that maybe he did with us?

It's hard not to think that if our body wasn't broken that maybe those people would love us, people say to your face that they love you but if that were true they would never hurt you in the first place

it so hard to feel like you don't belong to anyone or anywhere and it is so hard to know that you never will, cause a person can truly only have one mom and dad, the body is too old to be adopted :( this makes us want to cry and cry

I don't understand why God has made the choices that he has. I know they say God doesn't punish people especially when they're trying to be good but we can't help but think we did something wrong, something to be punished for because almost from the start we were hurt by people that are supposed to love us

We are just confused about everything, people always say God has a reason for everything but what could it be his reason for this?

We will go now and write more tomorrow

MANY BUT NO ONE