what to do, here i am again

I dont understand why i am so tired, slept lots.want to eat but won't. I am just an idiot. Watching the Biggest looser on TV. just what i need to be watching. I just crave to be small, so small so i can wear what ever i want, and in my warped brain so ppl will like me more. feel like ppl are just gonna blow inside. Its only a matter of time. Part of me doesnt care in the slightest, sometimes I get so tired of being "nice" I know thats weird, but I have always been the nice one. actually, i think, there is another group inside, and i am just so frigging sick of this. i dont wanna deal with anything else. enough for now ?????

why

I try to do so much, give to others so i can feel useful and that i am being helpful and not just taking up space. I feel so much sadness though and can't find my way out. I am so afraid, afraid of giving up, afraid of keeping on trying. I was so happy to meet christy and amys, now i want to keep at a distance so maybe it wont hurt as much when they lieve. I hate time, just hate the passing of time. Time isn't a friend to me, not at all, time is scary so scary and I dont even know why.Time has brought me so much pain, and i feel there is so much more to come and i am powerless to stop it. I can't stop time, i can stop me though. I just can't believe that i was brought to this earth to feel so much sadness, there has to be more, i just feel like i need to run because if i dont the sadness and pain and past will swallow every single ounch of me. feel so so alone, miss carole miss marilyn, miss having peoplle i love to go out with and have fun. carole got that house, so now she is gonna be here less and less even. I was so happy when amy and christy came, now they are leaving, I dont wanna be swallowed up, please help me get out from where ever this is good night

feeling sad and mad and just plain yuck

Had such a good time yesterday up in Orlando with the Artist. i dont ever remember having that much fun. Its always so hard being around the parents, i do really appreciate them bringing me up there and i said that when they brough me home. Just like always though there is a price, and it makes me so sad. Yesterday, on the way home, the Dad's brother called him, the dad said they were up in orlando with me and he was stammering for words to explain what we went for. The mom tells him to say we were up there for a "function" and i said you could tell him that I was painting with a famous artist, and the mom says to me, whats your problem, he is talking to his brother, in a really mean tone. I was like where is that coming from? I was so embarrassed because my Grace was there, she came in the van too. I said I don't have a problem. Then today, i was talking on the phone, the mom called and I didnt pick up because i was on the phone, so then she calls my cell, and it upset me cause i hate when she calls home and then my cell, and i did answer the phone with an annoyed tone, and she said "whats wrong with you? i guess you used all your niceness on those ppl yesterday, i saw your closet" I didnt know what the heck she was talking about. I said my closet?? she said yeah that thing you have hanging on your closet about one friend being better then ten thousand relatives, i guess you just used us to take you up there. I said you mean the heart that i have had hanging there for three years, that my friend mary gave me when she moved to tenn? I am just so sad, and i am trying not to let them damper my good wonderful day yesterday, but also the dad was talking to one of the vidoe ppl cause he use to work for bush. I know he didnt mean anything but at one point, with camrea in hand, he said yeah i was talking to your dad, he seems like a really nice guy, and i just froze. i dont even remember what i said if anything, but he said something about he could use it for black mail, i dont remember if i said anything or not. I am just sad, and i needed to write it Out, i know they aren't gonna change, but sometimes i just need ppl to see they them i see, it keeps me from thinking i am loosing my mind, they change so quicky when no ones watching, and i guess this is my little way of speaking out, no need to reply, i hope you dont mind I just needed to "tell"

just felt like writing

again, i don't have any where to go tomorrow and I am so glad. Thats what worries me's. I find I am isolating more and more, little by little. I am so hugry, but won't let myself eat anything. I am glad I took Olsen for a run, the weather was so nice, even though it was dark, i took him, he needed that and I knew it. So at least i feel i did good for him. Kim came, so thats good, my house is clean and sheets and stuff. Mom wanted me to go there tomorrow, part of me wanted to, but the majority won out, so i am staying home. any way guess i am going to take my meds and go to bed

Here I am again

Gosh I don't know here i am again. I am fighting to keep my spirits up, fighting to want to keep going. Bob on the list gets on my nerves. there is more to him then he is saying. he told me he was going for his degree in psycology but got stuff in some kinda nightmare trying to get it, says he doesnt work, so if he doesnt work, why doesn he use the computers at a college? weird to me and i dont need him telling me no shit about dissociation its my world. I am just to the point that i dont even know whats gonna happen to us anymore. sometimes i think i just should stop therapy and everything else what good has it gotten us, more shit more choas Just in a bad mood. trying to be good and not purge even though i want to so much. Dont even really know who i am, don't even care to know right now, so tired of this MPD hell, and I am tired of bob, i dont think he is being honest about his motives or reasons for being on the list, things just don't add up, why is a man in his 50's who admitted he was trying to get his masters in psych but didnt for some reason, and then that comment he said that ppl at the college told him not to mention he was interest in DID cause if could effect his postion at the college adversely or something to that effect I wish i could get out of here, out of this body out of this head out of these memories Any way don't even know why I am bothering to write good night to me myself and I

what to say?

Here I am sitting here, feeling lost an alone. wanting to be, safety in aloneness. just wanna get smaller and smaller, feel better, but than worse. Wish i could just get a new brain that would work how its suppose to. How is that? I have no clue. I don't know how I am gonna be ok again. So lost/ Barb

I feel so stupid and ungrateful

I feel so bad, I feel so bad for all the people that got them homes and things and pets destroyed. I have so much to my greatful for, why am I not doing what i need to keep myself healthy. I can not bare the sadness that I see on TV. I should be go greatful, and yet I treat myself like crap, its like i am not even thankful for all God has given me. I don't know what to do, I tell myself just to do what i know is right, eat good, but it feels like an impossible task. I feel like i don't deserve Gods help, because I am doing this to myself. Sad and scared

My first entry - whats eating me's

Well here i am writing, could be dangerous LOL. Had a good day with Amy's and toby dog. Ate this morning, but very hungry. Can't eat though, been doing that way too much. I am so scared gonna gain wieght. want to be so thin, and I am way to fat. Gotta do better, but afraid to do too good. What do I do? Like the hugry feeling cause then i won't gain, or throw up. thats it for now mostly Barb