another Sunday

it's been a real frustrating long day for the most part.  I woke up about 3:00 a.m. wondering if I had made my ride for church today.  I wasn't sure and Stacy was coming at 6:30. I called before she got here and sure enough I haven't made my ride.  I didn't tell her though, because I felt terrible that she came all the way over to get me dressed, her  back with killing her she didn't know how she had hurt it. I got dressed even though I wasn't going anywhere

 I was going to make my ride but I made a huge mistake and got all stressed out.  I was  facebook, they have this feature where you can import your contacts from other e-mail programs and there were some addresses that wanted to get from my AOL address book.  So I use the import feature, where you could send invites.  I checked the addresses that are wanted to copy thinking that it would confirm with me for it sent anything because they wouldn't let me copy it from the list itself.  I was thinking that it would put it on a form and then I could copy it from there.  Not only did it not do that but in addition it immediately sent facebook invitations to not only the ones I had checked off but also to every single person in my address book! some of these peopleI do not talk to anymore or don't view it as  safe.  lots of them I just don't have that type her relationship with

So when this happens I guess that making my ride went out the window

I had a terrible nightmare, I  was in this house with people I didn't know.  All the people were dark complected and all I knew was that I was in a room and in the next room there was a woman and she was very mad at a young girl.  She was hitting her over and over again.  I was wondering what I was doing there and feeling so afraid for that girl in the next room.  There  was another girl I think she was in the same room as me, she kept laughing at the girl that was getting hit and I just felt so sad and wondered why she was laughing and why was I there with a bunch of people that I didn't know

I am wondering if they were people in the system, because I know all the people were black and I know very well that there are different accents that come out of my mouth, I don't no what the ladies looked like but I don't think it's them. I do think they are in that same area we are, I don't understand why can't see them though, I think they are in the same place because at times they come out so easily and quickly I have even been asked by a few people if I was biracial but I'm not sure, they could very well be from the middle things are a lot harder to figure out nowadays

I am concerned to because when I woke up Wednesday morning my remote for the TV was in a place that I couldn't have put it without getting out of my bed.  Usually when I lose time I am heading to bed but I just don't get there.  It bothers me a lot because I have no sense of anything nothing, seems like things are happening quite often and I don't even have a sense of when, why or how.

to top the day off I decided to try to program the fancy "learning" remote remote that I bought.  To make this story short, I spent $100 for it, it took me about two hours to program it to turn on my TV and my cable box in the living room.  There is no way that I can possibly remember what buttons to push to do what and I would still have to program the TV in my bedroom I am taking in back I could use the money in a lot better and less frustrating way, if you have read this far congratulation as I know this was long
written by Barb  of this crowd

Sunday's thoughts

 today is Sunday Stacy took a shift today at the nursing home so I couldn't go to church.  I am feeling very detached from everyone and even somewhat from my surroundings.  I slept most of the day yesterday, it rained a lot.  I was thinking a lot about  my chair breaking last weekend, it occurred to me that the second time I called my parents house and the mom  yelled, she didn't even know I had gotten help she didn't even know if Stacy had come or what the situation was and she answered the phone like that?

I sit here alone all the time, I have always been alone the aloneness that I feel is so deep I have never felt wanted, I have never felt good enough I have always felt expendable and I feel the same way with this group of people that I am forced to share my life with. share my body with
how is it now? Now I don't know when I will be here, how much time it will loose it's a continuous battle a fight not to let someone take control that wants to do harm to the body

it is hard not to listen to the ones that don't want to be here the ones that want to melt away so slowly so that it won't be noticed.  I know this stuff with the chair and the helplessness that was  felt by some has set a  self-destructive pattern to motion, it is hard to keep fighting when there are so many more people on their side

Does everyone have to fight like this just to live?  I really feel like we have no one. no where that we belong, no one that needs us or even misses us. we haven't been to the church in so long not one person has called to see how we are and most have not answered our e-mails telling them about whats been up with us, like with the chair, one person wrote back and we were grateful, but the ppl we thought cared about us not one word

maybe there are some people no matter what they do or what they try just don't belong ever?  We are not feeling sorry for ourselves just thinking out loud.  We hate the dad and we don't think much of the mom either How can they hurt us?

What is love?  Love is not abuse, yes everyone loses their temper from time to time with their children maybe they spanked them, this we can understand spanking is not beating, it is not burning them it is not all the other sexual things that were inflicted, it is not suffocating someone, it is not terrorizing someone

There can be no love with this, it cannot live in the same place and if someone professes this they are disillusioned, were delusional and/or lying we are a group of misfits if we cannot get along with each other we have no chance of getting along in the world either. we do not like this world, there is no motivation for us to succeed here

No love, no belonging, no freedom, no security, no predictability, no safety, no wanting, no hoping and caring

Olsen is not enough for us to survive what does one do?