today is Sunday Stacy took a shift today at the nursing home so I couldn't go to church. I am feeling very detached from everyone and even somewhat from my surroundings. I slept most of the day yesterday, it rained a lot. I was thinking a lot about my chair breaking last weekend, it occurred to me that the second time I called my parents house and the mom yelled, she didn't even know I had gotten help she didn't even know if Stacy had come or what the situation was and she answered the phone like that?
I sit here alone all the time, I have always been alone the aloneness that I feel is so deep I have never felt wanted, I have never felt good enough I have always felt expendable and I feel the same way with this group of people that I am forced to share my life with. share my body with
how is it now? Now I don't know when I will be here, how much time it will loose it's a continuous battle a fight not to let someone take control that wants to do harm to the body
it is hard not to listen to the ones that don't want to be here the ones that want to melt away so slowly so that it won't be noticed. I know this stuff with the chair and the helplessness that was felt by some has set a self-destructive pattern to motion, it is hard to keep fighting when there are so many more people on their side
Does everyone have to fight like this just to live? I really feel like we have no one. no where that we belong, no one that needs us or even misses us. we haven't been to the church in so long not one person has called to see how we are and most have not answered our e-mails telling them about whats been up with us, like with the chair, one person wrote back and we were grateful, but the ppl we thought cared about us not one word
maybe there are some people no matter what they do or what they try just don't belong ever? We are not feeling sorry for ourselves just thinking out loud. We hate the dad and we don't think much of the mom either How can they hurt us?
What is love? Love is not abuse, yes everyone loses their temper from time to time with their children maybe they spanked them, this we can understand spanking is not beating, it is not burning them it is not all the other sexual things that were inflicted, it is not suffocating someone, it is not terrorizing someone
There can be no love with this, it cannot live in the same place and if someone professes this they are disillusioned, were delusional and/or lying we are a group of misfits if we cannot get along with each other we have no chance of getting along in the world either. we do not like this world, there is no motivation for us to succeed here
No love, no belonging, no freedom, no security, no predictability, no safety, no wanting, no hoping and caring
Olsen is not enough for us to survive what does one do?
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