why is everything hard?

Hi everyone, I feel like I'm going to loose my mind.  I was talking to the mom I called over there because Rudolph the red nosed reindeer was on and I wanted to make sure the kids knew in case they wanted to watch it.  I told them that Larissa was coming with me Christmas eve. (For those who don't know Larissa is my aide she helps me get dressed in the morning and is there while I take a shower she has been my aide for seven years or more) the mother says but Christmas is for family.  I told her that Larissa had no where to go.  All her family lives in Europe, the parents know that.  I said what's the big deal I would've told her earlier but I kept forgetting to do so and she said it's not a big deal.  I reminded her that my friend Terry had come for Christmas Eve one year, she said that wasn't true I told her to look at the pictures of when my niece was first born, there is a picture of me holding her and he is next to me. and asked why does it matter?  She says it didn't, I asked why she had said anything then? she didn't answer

 

Now for the second part

 

First I have to give a little background.  On Saturday the parents met us at Beth's  house to put a grab bar in her bathroom. My cousin Sheila is coming down from the Dominican Republic to be there for when my mom has surgery in January.  When she comes down we are going Orlando for a few days while she's here. I was talking to Beth about coming with us but then I remembered last time when Sheila was here I invited a friend that happened to be over my house to come to dinner with us Sheila was furious I could tell by the look she gave me, it was terrible and she immediately went outside and when after her she said that she just wanted it to be the two of us that didn't even occur to me I am used to just asking who's ever around I feel like the more the merrier I had to actually go back in the house and tell the lady I was sorry but we would have to go out another time I was so embarrassed

 

I remember this and I told Beth about it and said  maybe it wouldn't be a good idea the mother was there and she was going oh yeah she is  like that and on and on and she was going along like she didn't understand why she was like that either

 

Back to current time

 

After she said that about Larissa I said you guys are just weird.  She said why are you saying us guys I'm the one that said it your father didn't say it?  I said it was a figure of speech mom.  She goes on to say yeah I can't believe you invited another lady to dinner when Sheila was there.  I said what?  I said you didn't have a problem with it when we were at Beths house. She said what you want me to say that around Beth? I said why are you bringing this up?  It was two weeks ago.  She said I don't know I just am not feeling good.  I said so what is it you want me to feel bad to? She said I got to go

 

I called Beth just to make sure I wasn't crazy and that the mom acted like she had no problems with me inviting that lady when shiela was there, that she couldn't understand why that was

 

I just don't get it its not like I wanted to invite Frankenstein over Larissa has been there for me when ever I needed her I never have to worry that someone isn't going to show up. The therapist always says I am not going to change them and I know that but I don't know how to keep it from hurting me.  The only way I can get through things is to try to make sense of them.  I also know that some things don't make sense and never will.  But then I'm back to the same question. How do I make it not hurt? Is that possible to do? Is it ever possible?  If so how does one do that?

 

If it wasn't for the fact that my grandma is very sick actually she's getting some better but it wasn't for her and the fact that my favorite aunts going to be their Christmas Eve I wouldn't even go. I will be alone on Christmas day for the first time. It's going to be strange

Barb

 

One person with many parts all hoping for freedom to be themselves in this crazy world of oneness

 

                                    

 

short update

This is Saturday, slept most of the day I had a good time at the light tour it was a lot of fun. The food was really good to especially the potatoes. My mind is kind of blank don't know if that makes sense don't really feel like going to church either but the Cantata is tomorrow so hopefully I'll enjoy that just a short update and the grandmother is sick I think they are going to take her to the emergency room bye

Too many feelings not enough room

Hi feeling so down, its December How did it get to be this time again? I wish the world could just stop so some how I can catch up. I am just sad, my struggle with food persists I was so hungry yesterday and ate almost a whole pizza :( than nothing today. its a battle but the thing is if I am honest I just want to eat less and less, I am not abnormally thin if fact i would be considered over weight. probably because the majority of time I don't eat anything nutritious  just eat junk.

 

also i know there are those among us that don't care for Dr Phil :) so bare with me's if your reading this.

 

They have had three shows now about this 2 year old girl, when she was 1. the mother wanted her father to be involved in her life. To make a long story short and easier to read, they very quickly thought she was being abused by the Dad. the mom got a call from the hosp that something happened. well she didn't want this man involved with her daughter of course.

 

the man said no way (surprise) they gave all three lie detector tests. The mom and her mom passed he failed every single question.

 

he went to his town, took another test and passed, but one part wasn't scored by the police department, with no exclamation why. when scored again showed deception. The Judge still gave the man unsupervised visits with the child, and if the mother didn't give him to her for that visitation, she would be in contempt, spend 15 days in jail and darning that time HE would have the child. I am just so sad for this child and it just brought a lot of stuff up.

 

One time, my T said if the Psycho dad ever admitted what he did to me he would probably blow his head off. In the show, the man said If he ever abused his child he would blow his head off.  they were hard shows to watch but i am so glad I did because it showed me, no matter how much evidence they had to the contrary this man never admitted anything. That was validating to me because it shows how ppl will go to any length to hide their sickness.

 

On the first show Dr Phil didn't believe the mother when she told him she was blown off by DPS. On the third show she came back with her lawyer to verified that yes they did basically. He had to choose his words very careful, but Dr Phil was very well educated that DPS doesn't always err on the side of caution or what is in the child's best interest for this I am glad. it just stirred up so much in me and i just needed to write thanks 

Sad Barbara by herself

 

One person with many parts all hoping for freedom to be themselves in this crazy world of oneness