filled up from the very small me

Its been forever since I've posted I wrote a long post a couple days ago and lost it all. Right now everything is seeming like it's running together lets see, the mom had surgery Wednesday. It went well. She had a total of seven hernias repaired. Now I am scared though because they think there is fluid in her lungs. They took a chest x-ray today, and she will get the results tomorrow. She's been doing really good a lot of walking and moving around. They started giving her breathing treatments again. Hopefully that'll help. It's just scary, because of what happened two years ago

Moving on to grandma she's back in the hospital. I think she's been in there since Friday. She had blood in her stool they are doing colonoscopy tomorrow. It was like family week at the hospital when I got there on Saturday. Dan was there with his family (joy). He was his usual warm self he managed to say hi we got out of their real quick and went to grandma. Then when Dan and family came down we went back up to see mom. I couldn't believe the mom said. Actually, she told Stacey that she was worried about the dog because this was a hospital . She was worried about hair flying. I guess since the dad didn't say it. She picked up where he didn't leave off? It never ceases to amaze me every time I think I have something figured out how they will react, what they will say or do I am wrong. The only thing I can ever predict with 100 percent certainty, is that I can't predict anything with 100 percent certainty

As far as Anita goes she got off the respirator today, they're going to try to take a chest tube out again tomorrow and supposedly she is going to get chemo and radiation on outpatient basis I honestly don't think it's going to help. She is so weak and they couldn't touch the tumor by her aorta. I just don't know if it's worth putting her through that, because it is going to make what ever life she does have left pretty miserable I would think. They found another tumor when they went in. So she had four total but everybody is still being secretive and quiet, which I honestly don't understand. But I guess there's nothing new with that

How am I? I have no clue am so tired. I was talking about this with my jelly friends. It's frustrating to me that I can't make myself go away, but if others want me away. There's nothing I can do. When I don't want to be here, I have no choice, unless someone chooses to come to my rescue or knows that I am at a point that I can't continue. I wish I had the choice. Like all the others do I feel like I'm only here when they want me to be here. I feel so small, like I am nothing. Just a tiny speck in a huge world that was not of my making. A world that they know more about than I do. A scary world. I am forced to be in this world, a world that I did not create, a world that I don't want

What do I want out of life? It doesn't matter what I may want. There is a small me, I am not enough to want anything. I am not enough to choose anything. I am just enough to be here to carry on the façade. The one that is a happy together, the caring one. But I am still a very small me. I am the smallest of all

Barb, who is even smaller now than when I started out

Monday night blues

Its Monday night, the mom is going in the hospital tomorrow they are going to run a whole bunch of tests to make sure she'll be able to get through the surgery okay.  I am glad the doctor is being so cautious.  She will have the surgery on Wednesday am not sure what time.  At least the grandmother seems better, and Sheila will be here on Sunday.  It will be good, but I don't know about her being here for 14 weeks.  I love Sheila, but she is very quirky to put it mildly.  And I know I'm quirky, but that's why I live alone in my own house.  So I don't have to subject anyone to my quirkiness.  I just know never to invite somebody else out with us if they happen to be over the house.  That's one thing I know I don't really know how I feel about anything.  Ever since Larissa laid in to me a couple days ago about my weight.  I really been feeling awful.  I was feeling awful anyway, with everything that's going on, but it made it worse I don't think they're telling everybody anything about Anita on purpose they have to know something by now.  It bothers me that she won't see anybody I know it's her right and all but I am so scared that I'm not can see her and all the sudden we are going to hear that she died it doesn't make sense to me that she doesn't have an IV I just think she told them she didn't want one what a waste.  I don't think she had the will to live or to fight what is she have to go home to?  My 83-year-old aunt who I love very much.  She is one of the few in my family that I can say I love without reservation but I know it's hard for Anita having her there and then there is daughter Gina.  Everything revolves around Gina really keeping her from running away getting drugs and not hanging out with thugs doing things to get money for more drugs.  Anita is hold captive her permanent babysitter, but this is again by choice.  They should've kicked her out if it wasn't for Jerry she be in jail right now will not right now.  But she would have been there already maybe that wouldn't change her life?  I don't think Anita felt she had any reason to go back home this is all speculation, of course I'm having those I wish I could stay in bed forever moments impossible I know but I could wish Goodnight to me and my selves

Feeling awful, the current state of affairs

I am so sad was talking to the mom just now. It sounds like from what they told Jerry, that Anita's cancer was all in the lymph nodes. I am not sure, but when Jerry asked. They explained to him that all her lymph nodes are "full" so I am taking that to mean that the cancer is all in her lymph nodes. I am so sad. She's in her early 50s I don't understand why she sat there for months and didn't do anything. I know she scared of doctors and hospitals

Between that my grandma and my mom going to surgery next week. On Tuesday, I am just feeling really overwhelmed those of you that pray please do. I'll probably write more later

Really upset

I am so upset I was looking so forward to going out today. The dad always bugs the crap out of me to make sure Stacy flips the switch down when she uses it to start the auxiliary battery if you don't put it down it will drain the battery down. Well this is the second time he's done it. So I couldn't go anywhere today, Stacy is getting the Sims games for me so I will have them at least.

Larissa made me mad this morning. She said something about my weight, I said I have lost weight which I have because I've been having a hard time eating and she was being real sarcastic, it was because she saw Candy wrappers on the floor. I have told her before I have a problem and not to talk about my weight, I told her that Candy was all I ate that day it was a handful of Hershey's kisses so she's proceeds to tell me how much fat that has (that's just what I needed) I told her again when I lost all the weight before I was starving myself, and making myself throw up. I asked her when is the last time she saw me bring food in the house? That food in my freezer has been there for at least two, then she proceeds to say how I drink cappuccino and one of those have at least 500 calories again just what I needed to hear I told her I have a problem that I'm doing the best I can, I told her she doesn't know what I go through I have flashbacks panic attacks that stems from when my father abused me. So what does she say? She says but I only see him helping you and doing things for you (of course) I said what about your first husband? How was he in front of people? He wasn't like that to you was he? Sometimes she's such a jerk. I think the whole thing started with her saying that my bra was tight and she remembers when she could put it on the tightest one.

It only seems to happen when I'm having the most problems I haven't been eating hardly anything I have lost weight in the last two weeks. And she tells me I'm gaining weight, well that just feeds into everything, I told her I have problems I told her it's in my head I said you know I used to cut myself I have problems she just doesn't know how much it hurts me sometimes and it's always about weight feels like I am still living with my mother.

I told her last week I got coffee and doughnuts and she said oh Barb, like as in how could you. I said don't worry about what I eat worry about what you eat. Well at least she was honest, because she said well I'm trying to deflect it away for myself I don't want to think about what I've been eating. I said oh that's how it goes

,

As I was writing this my mom called to say that my cousin Anita has cancer actually she's my cousin's wife one of her daughters Gina is a drug addict. She is to really she's been taking Xanax for at least 10 years. That's why she wouldn't get another doctor because she knew she wouldn't be able to get her pills. She's been sick since September but she wouldn't go to the doctor. My mom said she is lost 30 pounds in three months. She has three tumors in her lung, they said one of them is really close to her heart. I know it's too late there is not any hope I have a feeling. I don't think it really has sunk in yet

I feel so bad for her husband Jerry he has been wanting her to go to the doctor for months but she wouldn't

Stacy should be back with the game pretty soon will write more later

Have no idea where to start

it's been so long since I've written. I have no idea where I left off or where to start. After all that with Larissa coming Christmas Eve, she misunderstood and she thought I was staying home both days so she made other plans. The food was great. Shrimp and garlic and butter sauce, baked flounder I think that's all I had they had crab legs to, but I hate asking for people to help me. I did tell Dan how I was feeling, called him the ghost brother because as soon as I got there him and and Joe my other brother, started teasing me first about how I sounded my voice apparently there someone that has a very strong New York accent don't remember much but I know I'm switching a lot and using different words because they were teasing me about it. I told Dan that I would think since he only sees me about once every six months that he could try to be nice to me. It's amazing to me that as soon as Dan comes, Joe just joins right in and starts teasing me just like I was a little kid again. I am so incredibly tired of it. I saw my aunt and my cousin so that was nice got some money and two tickets to Universal Studios for when Sheila comes in a few weeks my mom is having surgery on the 10th, I wish so much that she didn't have to have it. The grandma got out of the hospital for the pneumonia but went back yesterday I think it was yesterday the doctor on call said her doctor was over medicating her. He took her off all the medicine, but he's putting on Coumadin now. I wish she would stay with this doctor he is very nice and since the other doctor almost literally caused her death not joking at one point her heart rate went down to 20 beats per minute, you would think she would try someone else but not her, after all he is Italian. what a joke! I feel so alone I found out Marilyn is coming down to have two baby showers for Jodi, but it's only for Jodi's friends so I guess Barbara T. is Jodi's friend? She also informed me that Maryland's only going to be here for two days. Guess that was her way of telling me that I won't be seeing Marilyn considering that I just talked to Marilyn yesterday, I would venture to say that that's a good bet. It really pisses me off though, because this is going to be the second time she's come down in the last five months. She called me when she was here last time to tell me she's not going to be able to see me I didn't even know she was down until I found out from somebody at church so I guess she figured she better call me to tell me she can't see me because she had to see this person or that person. The reason why it makes me mad is I'm the only one that can see her because I can't go to her house so I would think she could make the effort to see me. But I guess she can't I did make a comment to Barbara T. that I'm the only one that doesn't get to see her Oh well life sucks So now I'm bringing in the new year all by myself me myself and I how wonderful sarcasm intended guess I will close now that I'm in a bad mood good time to do it. Happy new year to me frowning