my icky feeling friday

Feeling sad today, I wish people thought more of life and it is taken so easily it seems like people will shoot a gun an a person just as easy as if they were stepping on an ant the world is so scary.  Its hard to find good in it sometimes.  But it's all we got so I guess we have to do the best we can

 

I got a headache I did not eat good today.  I'm not to go anywhere tomorrow.  I am glad going to the parents on Sunday I hope it goes okay.  I'm not in the mood for any stress but I guess nobody would be my neck has been hurting the last couple of days.  I don't know why, but I'm not able to get in the shower.  I might be able to, but some things I can't take a chance with because it's not like I can change my mind in the middle if it hurts too much
oh well I'm getting get ready for bed

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

My not exciting wedensday

Today was a relaxing day although I think I stayed in my chair to long my legs are really stiff I hope things are quiet at the school tomorrow I am really tired I brushed Olsen really good this morning he really needed it. He looks great, I need to call Audrey and Ron about Rocky and see how he is doing.  They said they would bring him this month, if he was doing okay.  It figures they wouldn't call I just hope he's OK.  I always get scared to call, because I know one day soon.  He's not going to be doing well I mean he's going to be 14.  In October.  That's a lot of years I will probably call tomorrow, if I don't chicken out.
I am hungry, I think I'll have a little chocolate before bed maybe it will encourage me to have good dreams you never know I didn't do much today.  So I don't have much to say.
Goodnight to me myself and I

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

Me tuesday

Hmmm went to T today the woman still not call the T I hate going sometimes when I can't rememer stuff and when i fight so hard to stay there, not to look through the haze, then more haze then heavy eyes then not seeing clear then I go. not aware of anything, nothing to hear nothing to see just not there so time stops for me. at some point i am back feeling totally drained and sleepy, then all the sudden I have energy. where does it come from? so I can see and hear and am back. but where do i go and why do i have to? I use to want to go all the time, so i wouldnt fight so hard to stay. why do i have to be in pieces? why did I have to split? why couldnt barbara and I stay as one? why werent we strong enough even with The mean one with us? we couldnt stay together. so we make progress yeah, but we split which is way not progress. sometimes i just feel like our inside universe is like a tennis game, we are on a huge court ppl all around and someone is going to get hit hard to the outside world even if they dont wanna be there, so then they bounce as much as they can and then they stop and someone else gets hit out and maybe another and another then no one knows what to do, who speaks, who moves who leaves who stays. then your not able to put all the balls back in the right place even if you try your best so then they get upset cause they want things to be axactly how they were before they got pushed out, but it never can be exactly like it was ever again. but the tennis matches never stop even tho you dont want to play anymore so the game goes on against your will and because you wont play, the game goes on as if you never were

I HATE TENNIS 
Barb of this messed of me's

feeling so tired, but some better

where to start I am off of another list.  Now I know why on the second day that the group was even formed the lady asked if she was too controlling will now I can answer yes she's sure the hell is.
Without going into everything, because I can't bear to go through it again.  She picked so much a part and made so many assumptions.  Just from me asking one question, she wrote 4 long e-mail and I can tell you another thing.  She is one of the most paranoid persons I have ever met.

Enough of that I am finally feeling better thank goodness I haven't been out anywhere since Wednesday.  I could've went to the schools today, but I knew I would be so tired and boy was I right I slept most of the day.  And I'm sure I'll have no problem sleeping tonight.  My neck is hurting, but it's not too bad.  I thought I had to go to the dentist tomorrow.  I'm so glad I don't.  It's not till October 30 I have been eating so much the last couple of days I feel like a total cow I hate when mom brings food.  I can't bear to throw it out so what'll I do I eat it all and I gained weight so fast.  So the cycle continues.

I am so glad that the thorn in my side one of them anyway is no longer there.  I spend so much energy thinking and thinking about this supposed friend I hope  that She somehow gets out  of her dysfunction but to do that she would have to think of someone else's feelings beside herself.  She would have to actually talk about things that were  painful to her one thing I can understand though is I was the one that was hurting. When I finally did tell her she didn't even respond to my e-mail.  Then when I brought it up she said the reason that she didn't respond, was because she didn't know what to say.  And she was hurting too much about it

 

So she was to hurt to talk about how hurt I was and I am so direct that she felt intimidated?  Anyway, it's ludicrous, then she says she wishes I would have told her in February?  so if i were to tell her in feb it would have let her be able to talk about it?  But because I wrote her a couple months ago.  It was too painful for her to talk about, but she wishes, I would've told her in February.  Instead of waiting?  Does that make sense to anybody?  i asked her what would have been different if i would have told her in feb, in a email among other things which she didn't bother to address, just told me that she couldn't deal with it and i told her that's the problem, she never can deal with anything, so nothing ever gets dealt with.  But this way she could be a victim and make it somehow my fault.  And that's okay, if she needs to do that.  I just don't think she's capable of thinking of other people.  She says, how much she cares for people how compassionate she is but yet she doesn't pick up the phone.  Even after she knows how much I was hurt that she hadn't called and she knew how much I was struggling about it?  Her words don't mean anything, because her actions don't support her words,

a new shows coming on called heroes.  It looks really interesting it is going  to start soon.  So guess I will go for now

 

where to start 't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

hmmm what to say this day Friday

hmm ok, what a day, i know this is personal but well I need to talk about it so oh well, and besides not to many are on my friends list now as I have made some needed deletions.

I hate my friggin period. I am on BC and only get it every 3 months but damn I am having such a hard time. I didn't go to the school on Thursday and they were having a new singles group at church that i really wanted to go to and couldn't geeze it is sooooooo bad, i am going to talk to my doctor I think i see her in Nov and ask her what she thinks about me having this procedure that I read about called well i forgot what its called (surprise) any way, i think what they do is use a laser and remove the lining of the uterus, its less invasive than a dnc and it makes your period really light or even stops it, its good for ppl who arent going to have children, unfortunately i am not even though I want to i would love to but that's another book for another day...I just can't take it, i spend the majority of my day not kidding in the bathroom.

 

ok thanks for baring with me i am done talking about THAT LOL I think somebody close to where i live must have got wirer less internet cause i am pulling an awesome signal very happy happy LOL but cant get rid of my DSL because if they move or whatever I would be totally screwed so i am just going to enjoy it for now

going to go back to bed now night to my peoples and to those reading  

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

FEELING TO MUCH AND NOT ENOUGH

gosh i am not feeling well, I am feeling so many things but yet i am not. I dont understand what is going on right now. I am hurting but then somewhere feeling nothing at the same time, so confused. Feeling like i want to hurt myself, i know I won't just havent felt like doing that so strong in a long time, even though I am feeling like that, my head is so full. at times it doesnt even feel like its connected to my body and my hands dont feel connected either just trying to look at the words coming on the screen. I feel so sad about amy, but dont even understand why, i feel so sad that I didnt mean enough to her i guess, i didnt mean enough for her to pick of the phone or to put herself aside for one second to really listen to me. I am angry that i gave and gave and gave, even paying for her dart rides when she couldnt aford it, which was most of the time. paying for stuff when we went out most of the time, and never was it retured, and frankly, i feel it kinda almost got to be expected or not that, more so taken for granted that if she didnt have i would do it. I dont know, i struggle with this so much this DID I hate it, but its how i am, but yet others aren't but pretend to be? when i told her she should be blessed that she doesnt loose time and is co consious that she was further along at least in that area. what does she do? she gives reasons why she is not futher along. I always feel happy when ppl tell me i am improving, it brings me joy, because there is so many times i feel so bad and want to give up so much. But amy? she wants to be DID and not ddnos? she wants to be a dxed as a "true multiple" with 150 insiders? and feels its stupid that she would be dxed as ddnos?  i am so incredibly confused. WHY????  I don't want to live this way, i dont want to be this way, and I dont want things to haunt me, I dont want to accept that the psycho dad is that psycho that he almost ended Seacets life MY life, that he burned someone that he burned me my face. I was told it was a birth mark by him, so now i see it on my face and i see it happen over and over i hear my cries and now i am crying my tears on the outside how do i live with this. how do I look at the birth ppl and know this? Did you come close to being killed amy????? did you get burned on your face by you dad amy? did you get sufficated amy, did your dad have sex with you amy and you couldnt cry cause if you did even more pain would come? what is your trauma amy??? tell me what is it? do you want it to be worse than this amy? is this not even bad enough for you?

I am hating you so much at this moment amy  

How do I live with this knowledge? I wish i wasnt here right now. wish someone was here to hug me and say it will be ok i feel like my heart is going to explode  I dont want to be a "true multiple" amy, but I would rather be that, than be as sick as you amy
help me some how to get through this please 

hi to me's my sunday and probably more too

Isnt life grand?  well update ok. I did get my puter back thank you mama saprono and christi. and of course god too. been missing quite a bit of time as of late great, i love that LOL I did have an awesome time friday at church they had a musical show it was wonderful. told ppl i should get an award for the best sit down dancer LOL I swear i wish i could walk only to be able to dance then i would just go in my chair. I would love to be able to dance. i do have rythem very good for a white girl if i do say so myself, although just cause I am white on the outside i know lots aren't that way on the inside, it has been hard as of late because i am very much aware of my blackness its just hard to hear it actually coming out of my mouth, it just sounds so much different on the outside 

one of the van drivers asked him i was mixed cause he said i sounded black, i told him what a good friend said to me that i am ethinically inriched, and he said yes you are. its so hard because the voice is actually so different, which i didnt realize till extremely recently, I was inside saying just stop this i can stop talking this way, i am doing it on purpose but i couldnt stop talking that way because it wasnt me doing the talking and its just so hard

when i was 7 my mom actually had me evaluated by the speech therapist cause of how i was talking, and she told her i was using "black lingo" little did i know it was an insider. I been thinking why they were created and for one, until we moved to FL, i wasnt around lots of ppl that were black and two "the family" is extremely predidest   altough they would never admit that, they would just wait and talk behind ppls backs and even being 7 it hurt me so much, cause l really loved my friends and the ppl that helped me at school so i think that played a big part in why they were created that way. it was a way of me standing against them and saying that I am that way too and i dont care if you dont love me or that you judge me. all ppl are ok with me even if you dont like them, I have some inside that are spanish, and still can't figure out the one that speaks her own language, its so weird all the sudden these sounds come out of my mouth that sound like jibbish to me, i really dont get that.

the eating is not good for the last few days, wish that didnt make me so happy, yes i am fucked up i know back to school tomorrow to my kids, love them, and i pray i can give them some joy , even if it is just for a few hours, when they smile i just feel so wonderful, and thats one of my purposes in this fucked up world we live in, one of my missions in live so for now  god thank you for giving me my pain so i know where they are and can love them inspite of what they may show on the outside to survive I know cause i am them too
my crowd

my relaxing wedensday

I have been in bed most of the day-today watching TV actually one of my most favorite things to do I did get my computer back. Well not quite yet. My ex sister in law Christy has it she said Brian didn't say one word to her he didn't even apologize. Nothing came out of his mouth Christie took the opportunity to tell him how wrong she thought it was though. tomorrow, I am going to the middle school early, because Christy wants to have lunch with me. My companion Stacy is going to pick me up from there, that way I can get the computer at the same time. Larissa is going to buy it it will be nice to have some extra money. I talked to my therapist about going to the trauma unit again. She hadn't called yet because for some reason she didn't get my e-mail with the number on. It probably had something to do with switching from MSN and AOL on my part, who knows any way she is going to call. There's just no way I could decide anything or even start to decide unless i know if Olsen can come with. I mean, I could leave him home with somebody. But I would really feel like such a big part of the was missing its so different with Olsen. I mean, I really feel like he's part of me I never felt like that with Rocky I don't understand why I still feel guilty about that. I love Rocky, but it's not that deep down love. I just wouldn't feel like me without him. And that's saying a lot for someone that is multiple will see what happens.

I've been thinking about something

I am going to ask Christy, if she would mind if I said she was my sister. I don't like saying EX sister-in-law, and I don't like saying she is my friend because she is more then that she was married to my brother Dan for 10 years. But even before they got married we would go places together me and her I didn't bother her in the least that I was in a wheelchair. I am very perceptive and even if someone acts like they don't care I can always tell if they mean what they say. She is the closest thing to family that I have ever had. She really cares about me and loves me and I don't have to do one thing. I just have to be myself. I don't have to give her one thing. She just loves me because

I have been kind of down I have to remind myself about the things I have in life. Like Christy my friends my church. My therapist, and of course my Olsen. I really do love my chair to LOL. It is a great chair the best one I ever had. I think I've had it for about five years now. It is nice to be so comfortable and it is nice to be a speed demon if I want to be LOL and I love my laptop it's awesome. Oh well I guess that's enough rambling for now

Goodbye to me myself and I

.

why am I still up?

well i

wasn't going to write but a lot happened where to start Thursday I went to get the certified for my housing my rent only is going up 30 dollars so I am really glad about that also they said that I can paint my condo in colors. I am so happy this means so much to me, because in living 17 years on my own in government housing. You're not allowed to paint in color I have always had white or biege walls I am so thrilled now the trick is to figure out what color to use, I know it is hard for everyone. But when you're multiple that's my friend Melissa says OYE LOLmy mother called Brian's wife she said that Brian said. He taking 200 dollars so far for the computer with money orders. My mom asked if she saw the receipts she said no. But that he was coming home tonight. My mom told her that tomorrow. She wants you to need my brother with a computer or the check because he had told my brother that he would come to my house on Saturday which is tomorrow I don't wanna see. I can't believe I could lie like that. Even when he's caught he is still lying its amazing to metoday I checked my bank account I only had 88 dollars in there I couldn't believe it when I listen to the debts on the phone. There was one for hundred dollars the only bill that I had that was exactly that amount was for a credit card that was on auto pay but I close the account two months ago. Sure enough, when I called them. They were still deducting the money. They are sending it 200 dollars, I can't believe that they would be deducting money from a closed account that is scary no wonder I'm so short of money last month, but that's not really anything new, because I lose so much time lots of times, I don't know where the money goes. I'm just glad this time it actually is working in my favor for a change. LOL oh well, I have a bad headache. I am going to go to bed good night to me

when to the T switching lots there and lots since. Head feels really wet spoungy is the best way i can describe it. but good news, i told mom that i remembered for sure that brian's wife works for a dollar general store and what town. Its really weird how much details i can remember about things but when it comes to my life and facts its so hard any way she got in touch with his wife and he told her that he paid me most of the money and she told the mom that she has had problems with him not being truthful with her in the past and she apologized and is going to make plans with mom to bring it back so who knows i still have a chance to sell it and get money wish is great. it was so hard it T today, I know something bad happened to part of me, i know and its so hard to know, the psyco dad was theatening me to stay quiet he had a lighter and he actually burned my face with it and said if i didnt stay quiet he would burn us up and no one would ever find us; I am trying to stay disconnected I dont know who inside actually was there but as i type my  face is hurting  and it really feels like a burn. I always though it was a birth mark, thats what the parents said it was I havent asked the T if she ever called the trauma place i am too scared too, I just dont feel strong and i feel me and a few others here are in the minority in that we want to live, that is so scary and i don't know whats driving the others to have the position they do that life isnt for us, its scary and its draining and hard to keep going, to keep the good face the "normal" face the face that everyone wants to see, the face that i feel more and more is nothing but a lie, that I myself are a lie someone put here to hide the darkness that is within, what I truly am.
I ate pizza today and I am doing better than i thought and my stomach feels ok not queezy or anything although my stomach is  hurting a lot and i won't go into that any further which i am sure ppl would appreciate LOL

Have to take Olsen for a check up tomorrow. nothing is wrong just routien. I saw the funniest movie, fun with dick and Jane its halirious LOL any way going to get ready for bed
Barb and US

want to put this poem here for ppl to see if they want so you will know how crazy we really are:

 hear us good angel

 

no where to go

no one to see

no one is free

no one is good

no one is understood

no one to care

no one to fly

up to the sky

we can't go

take us please

so we will be free

we dont know who we are

doesn't matter how far

we are not meant for this earth

please show us the way back

up past the clouds

up past the sun

where everything is undone

that is our place where we belong

take us please take us

then we will be free to fly

like it was meant to be

 

please our angel set us free

 

Jorget12 writing for the light girls

we don't feel like we belong here, we don't fit in anywhere. have you ever thought that maybe somewhere a made? It is so hard to feel like you don't belong anywhere to anyone in any place and thats How I feel never have I really had a strong connection to a mother or father, I always wonder what that must be like. To be able to come home from school and not dread it and wonder what the night will bring. If I will be left in peace, if i will find food to eat when everyone is asleep.  what chaos will happen, because there always is some. what will I do wrong this time? will i get a chill and my body shake and she will say your doing that for attention, and i will think and say silently "no i just got cold for a second thats all" maybe you said i wanted attention because you know you didnt give me any? maybe because i was totally alone. no one to ask me how my day was or if i had home work or even if i needed anything. If i was was worried about an exam there was no one to tell, you just knew that you were expected to do well in school because that is the Only good attention you ever got and it was only for a moment a few times a year. never have I ever felt i was good enough for anyone to love because I was never good enough for the ppl i was born to.  I wish i could disappear. the only thing that saves me is Olsen, he gives me so much love so if he does then i must be loveable.  but he wont be here for long never long enough no matter how long it will be
why am i here? please tell me just in a funk i guess its hard not to feel connected to another person though, I love my olsen and i shouldnt complain cause maybe lots of ppl dont feel connected to anyone but they don't even have a doggie so i will stop complaining
hope we can sleep, have strong doubts though
someone and many thoughts from many

 

good morning to me's

well i slept pretty good, beth is on her way over i went to hess and got me a large ice coffee   write more later

Me again who??

wow didnt realize how late it is till i looked at the time. Church was ok had a better time than i thought, the seekers which is my usual class was off so went to another one. they were there pretty fast to pick me up which was great, i ended up sleeping the majority of the day away and really still very sleepy. was suppose to go out with beth to Bay Walk tomorrow or today i mean but just didnt feel like going, for those who don't know Bay walk is down town has a huge movie theater and shops and all the rest. Beth is coming here instead told her i was too tired, i know this sounds bad but i wish she wasnt coming, not because i dont want to see her but i would so much rather stay in bed. any way, still feeling funky, so glad Ruthie is home, hope she will continue to improve and not get discouraged. gonna go to sleep hope everyone is doing ok

why am i sad??

Hi again i found this program called Izoom i am using the trail version i am hoping it will just let me reinstall it when the trail runs out i really like it, it has speech too and the trail is fully functional, missed lots of time again today my head hurts too i know i didnt eat good but after yesterday i freaked. I am really tired in one of my moods where ifeel like hibrinating. i wish i was looking forward to church. I miss the days when i was so excited to be there. oh well. I really like my new glasses a lot. the mom had the wrong Brain to send the registered letter to. I can not believe he could be so mean i dont understand. i wish i would feel better I miss Barb NLN so much Viney. I am not going to reach out again though. I said what i did because i cared for her and i didnt deserve her anger, but I miss her so much but i dont want to apologize for caring about her and if i have to watch everything i say what kind of friendship is that? i could say i didnt mean what i said, but that wouldnt be true. I am worried about her weight being so low and her taking diet pills and if i go back into the friendship, it would only be a matter of time till she gets mad at something else, its happened twice. I miss her so much though and Seacret and Lil gurl are so sad and they dont understand why this happened even though we tried to explain. I love you Barb NLN where ever you are, tears falling 

I hope you will reach out to me i pray for that, but I need to be real with my friends I have worked to hard its part of moving forward. I pray you will be safe and happy 
Have been feeling so disconnected from everyone I wish i didn't feel the need to test ppl. dont know if thats a healthy thing to do? but everyone wants to know that their thought of and cared about. I can't keep all friendships going, it has to be give and take and i just dont have much to give anymore. I can not believe i havent heard from Marilyn and Carol. It hurts so much. Mary Gettmann is not coming back to the church I am so sad about that. she is one person that never calls, but i know she cares, just like i know in my heart that Marily and Carol care, but is it wrong to want to be thought of? is it wrong to wish they would call me? to hope for that so much? Is it not a reasonable expectation for me to have?  I am feeling so sad
good night

tired sad and confused

Hi its me again, had a long day. Stacy took me to get Olsen's bath, I dropped him off and we went to borders to me JoAnn (My support coordinatior) she is so nice i wish she could be my companion. then went to Target, bought an outfit. then got Olsen and went to see the movie wicker man, totally weird and mel gibson dies at the end totally strange move but kept you thinking. them home and i had Micky d's shocked but good. as for the rest of the night and what the heck i been doing? everything is a blurr feeling very sad but dont know why good night

My sad thursday

Really don't know where to start did not sleep really good. So was tired when I woke up took Olsen out went back to sleep for a while. Woke up about 10 I took Olsen outside to brush him it was so humid even though the sun was not out sweat was just dripping off me Larissa came and I went to the school Billy who was in the fight on Monday got arrested today. I don't know what for they took him away in handcuffs. I'm glad I didn't see it. He's only in sixth grade his home life is awful. It's amazing he even comes to school it makes me so sad. Some of these kids will never have a chance and it is not their fault. All they see as violence it is the only thing they know. Times like this are when I feel so helpless about our world. I am just filled with sadness right now for Billy and for all the kids and for the kid I was and still are. The ones that are crying so loud inside that I feel I will burst into tears any moment I am dictating with voice right now.

I was supposed to go out with Stacey

Sorry this is such a downer of a post I think I'll stop now because I'm not feeling any better

, but I wasn't feeling good at all. Really I'm still not, I have a headache and my stomach feels queasy and I am not firmly planted. I am Thinking I didn't have enough water today. I forgot to bring my water bottle with me when I went to school I am having that stupid heat stuff again. I thought it was over, why can't anything ever be over? I told the psycho dad about Brian. He is always telling me to let him call this person or that person that he wants to help. So what do you think happened when I told him? He said, it's only money let it go. Now, does anybody understand why I have all these problems? I debated for weeks whether to tell him I didn't want to unleash him on anybody. Because I thought he would be so angry and what does he do? tell me to forget it. It took me for ever to pay off the computer. it is Not like I have a lot of money. I just don't understand when I think I have him figured out. When I think maybe I can predict what he will do. He said something like this. My brother wants a computer and he was saying to the mom that they should buy one for him. I just don't understand. Not that I want him to pay for my computer. Not at all, because I don't want to owe him anything but why would he offer to buy my brother a computer? He's made a mess of his life is living with them for at least the fourth time they're doing everything for him and he wants to buy him a computer and I paid all my bills and he tells me it's only money let it go? I don't understand