Me tuesday

Hmmm went to T today the woman still not call the T I hate going sometimes when I can't rememer stuff and when i fight so hard to stay there, not to look through the haze, then more haze then heavy eyes then not seeing clear then I go. not aware of anything, nothing to hear nothing to see just not there so time stops for me. at some point i am back feeling totally drained and sleepy, then all the sudden I have energy. where does it come from? so I can see and hear and am back. but where do i go and why do i have to? I use to want to go all the time, so i wouldnt fight so hard to stay. why do i have to be in pieces? why did I have to split? why couldnt barbara and I stay as one? why werent we strong enough even with The mean one with us? we couldnt stay together. so we make progress yeah, but we split which is way not progress. sometimes i just feel like our inside universe is like a tennis game, we are on a huge court ppl all around and someone is going to get hit hard to the outside world even if they dont wanna be there, so then they bounce as much as they can and then they stop and someone else gets hit out and maybe another and another then no one knows what to do, who speaks, who moves who leaves who stays. then your not able to put all the balls back in the right place even if you try your best so then they get upset cause they want things to be axactly how they were before they got pushed out, but it never can be exactly like it was ever again. but the tennis matches never stop even tho you dont want to play anymore so the game goes on against your will and because you wont play, the game goes on as if you never were

I HATE TENNIS 
Barb of this messed of me's