why am i sad??

Hi again i found this program called Izoom i am using the trail version i am hoping it will just let me reinstall it when the trail runs out i really like it, it has speech too and the trail is fully functional, missed lots of time again today my head hurts too i know i didnt eat good but after yesterday i freaked. I am really tired in one of my moods where ifeel like hibrinating. i wish i was looking forward to church. I miss the days when i was so excited to be there. oh well. I really like my new glasses a lot. the mom had the wrong Brain to send the registered letter to. I can not believe he could be so mean i dont understand. i wish i would feel better I miss Barb NLN so much Viney. I am not going to reach out again though. I said what i did because i cared for her and i didnt deserve her anger, but I miss her so much but i dont want to apologize for caring about her and if i have to watch everything i say what kind of friendship is that? i could say i didnt mean what i said, but that wouldnt be true. I am worried about her weight being so low and her taking diet pills and if i go back into the friendship, it would only be a matter of time till she gets mad at something else, its happened twice. I miss her so much though and Seacret and Lil gurl are so sad and they dont understand why this happened even though we tried to explain. I love you Barb NLN where ever you are, tears falling 

I hope you will reach out to me i pray for that, but I need to be real with my friends I have worked to hard its part of moving forward. I pray you will be safe and happy 
Have been feeling so disconnected from everyone I wish i didn't feel the need to test ppl. dont know if thats a healthy thing to do? but everyone wants to know that their thought of and cared about. I can't keep all friendships going, it has to be give and take and i just dont have much to give anymore. I can not believe i havent heard from Marilyn and Carol. It hurts so much. Mary Gettmann is not coming back to the church I am so sad about that. she is one person that never calls, but i know she cares, just like i know in my heart that Marily and Carol care, but is it wrong to want to be thought of? is it wrong to wish they would call me? to hope for that so much? Is it not a reasonable expectation for me to have?  I am feeling so sad
good night