a not firmly planted saturday

Hi just thought I would write, not feeling great, not going to go to church again just not up to it, mom got mad at me. The motor or my blinds kept falling down the psycho dad came twice already put it up but he was in a hurry and just didn't do it right.  It came down again, they were going to Homosassa I had a doctors appointment yesterday told them I'd be home around one but I forgot my cell phone so couldn't call them when I was on my way.  I called the mom to ask her when he left I could tell she had an attitude to her voice I asked her what was wrong?  And before she started to talk I said please don't start in about the door again yes I am holding my ground and not giving her key to my place if I did I would never live in peace in my own home so she went on and on about the door of course so I said okay be mad so now she's mad at me is short if I call so I won't be calling for awhile they could do everything under the sun for other people now she's working at Joe's office to and I heard him say that he bought Joe some shirts unbelievable
I wish I felt better staying home tomorrow just don't want to be around people

feelings I hate them

today when to the T, appt at one got there at 12:15 didnt get home till 20 after 5. tired of being so sad, tired of being mad about this DID stuff, there is nothing to do about it, but I dont have to like it. I dont care if it saved me, maybe I didnt want to be saved, no one asked me did they? maybe scared of going foward? well if it means being like this, scared has nothing to do about it what does? I dont want to period end of story and many dont want to I am not the only one, yes are we mad at god? Barb is, but as for the rest in my vincinity? we could give a fuck got it?  going to go in bed and float now

Saturday at Joe's, what is what's not and what will be

Went to Joe's yesterday, it was really easy to get there.  Stacy didn't have any problem finding the house.  Joe looks exactly the same except for his receding hairline.  It was great seeing him, he wants me to come over for new years I asked him if Beth could come he said he would rather not.  He doesn't know this but that means I will not be going.  I know without question that he thinks I'm going to go there and drink and that it's not happening despite what others might wish or want

People can say so much with their eyes not a word has to be spoken to know what they're saying to know every word when he said wait and looked at his helper I knew so no I will not be going there for New Year's Eve sorry to disappoint both those within and without.  Anyway until they put a bar in his bathroom that's not 2 feet away from the toilet as the present one I won't be staying there.  I went from 12:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. without going to the bathroom quite a feat

I said to him too bad we can't pick up your house and move it.  He said well all of all my friends are here.  I or somebody said well you want us to leave all our friends. Minus the plural sense and he said I have the house I see how this goes his aid kept making remarks about me coming there to stay it was driving me crazy and Joe kept saying wait she will.  Yes it was a lot of pressure and yes it's only convinced me more that I am staying right here

I didn't go to church today I wasn't up to being Christian or nice and kind I didn't go to Stacy's daughters party either as I was not up to being social something is to be said for silence the silence that disconnects you from every one especially your self as for me?  That is the best silence of all

The silence will continue because there is no need for my words there is no need for anybody's words because after all so much could be said without words

From the silence that is me

so tired filled with Sadness

 I am so sad  and yeah I can give and give, but then when I need? when I call the call isn't retured cause she doesnt feel like talking to "other ppl" cause she is busy with work and school and doesnt want to "bother" ppl? thats BS I have always supported her, so now she feels like she doesnt want to bother me? its not about bothering me, its about her thinking of herself and not wanting to deal with what I am going through, which is fine, thats her choice and I told her she needs to do whats best for her, its just that I am hurting so bad, I dont remember feeling so bad for this long, and it would have been nice if I could lean on her a little, I have always supported her gladly, and now I need support I need to talk and she doesnt return my calls? She said she thought I needed some time, told her if that was the case I would have told her. it just hurts, I asked her did she realize how important she was to me? and if she didnt, I was telling her now and that maybe I have missed her and I needed her too?

she said she was sorry or something can't remember it didnt really mean much to me I guess cause she seems to always think of herself and what she is dealing with/ maybe some ppl just cant give back? maybe she is one of those ppl? don't know, I am just hurting so bad, and when I reach out so someone I always have been there for, its hard when they are not there it hurts

to tell someone your hurting and its like you said nothing?  I need someone to hear me, and to care I need more than ONE when there are so many I need someone help please tears aren't stopping sadness isn't easing, it has filled every inch of me

Feelings so many things, too many things

There are so many things inside so many things that  I wish I didn't feel. I feel lost as to how to make it better part of me doesn't want it to be better and that is scary to me.  I feel like there's blackness all around I feel like I'm in a perpetual haze everywhere I turn, there is never a way out just more haze more darkness I had a dream that Doc didn't really die I dreamt that his family was worried about him so they made him come live with them.  I wish my dream was reality I wish I felt better or knew how to make myself feel better, for the self harm urges are very strong still maybe that's why I am in this haze? I don't have no energy and that's probably a good thing. This feels like it was a waste of time