Feelings so many things, too many things

There are so many things inside so many things that  I wish I didn't feel. I feel lost as to how to make it better part of me doesn't want it to be better and that is scary to me.  I feel like there's blackness all around I feel like I'm in a perpetual haze everywhere I turn, there is never a way out just more haze more darkness I had a dream that Doc didn't really die I dreamt that his family was worried about him so they made him come live with them.  I wish my dream was reality I wish I felt better or knew how to make myself feel better, for the self harm urges are very strong still maybe that's why I am in this haze? I don't have no energy and that's probably a good thing. This feels like it was a waste of time