why is everything hard?

Hi everyone, I feel like I'm going to loose my mind.  I was talking to the mom I called over there because Rudolph the red nosed reindeer was on and I wanted to make sure the kids knew in case they wanted to watch it.  I told them that Larissa was coming with me Christmas eve. (For those who don't know Larissa is my aide she helps me get dressed in the morning and is there while I take a shower she has been my aide for seven years or more) the mother says but Christmas is for family.  I told her that Larissa had no where to go.  All her family lives in Europe, the parents know that.  I said what's the big deal I would've told her earlier but I kept forgetting to do so and she said it's not a big deal.  I reminded her that my friend Terry had come for Christmas Eve one year, she said that wasn't true I told her to look at the pictures of when my niece was first born, there is a picture of me holding her and he is next to me. and asked why does it matter?  She says it didn't, I asked why she had said anything then? she didn't answer

 

Now for the second part

 

First I have to give a little background.  On Saturday the parents met us at Beth's  house to put a grab bar in her bathroom. My cousin Sheila is coming down from the Dominican Republic to be there for when my mom has surgery in January.  When she comes down we are going Orlando for a few days while she's here. I was talking to Beth about coming with us but then I remembered last time when Sheila was here I invited a friend that happened to be over my house to come to dinner with us Sheila was furious I could tell by the look she gave me, it was terrible and she immediately went outside and when after her she said that she just wanted it to be the two of us that didn't even occur to me I am used to just asking who's ever around I feel like the more the merrier I had to actually go back in the house and tell the lady I was sorry but we would have to go out another time I was so embarrassed

 

I remember this and I told Beth about it and said  maybe it wouldn't be a good idea the mother was there and she was going oh yeah she is  like that and on and on and she was going along like she didn't understand why she was like that either

 

Back to current time

 

After she said that about Larissa I said you guys are just weird.  She said why are you saying us guys I'm the one that said it your father didn't say it?  I said it was a figure of speech mom.  She goes on to say yeah I can't believe you invited another lady to dinner when Sheila was there.  I said what?  I said you didn't have a problem with it when we were at Beths house. She said what you want me to say that around Beth? I said why are you bringing this up?  It was two weeks ago.  She said I don't know I just am not feeling good.  I said so what is it you want me to feel bad to? She said I got to go

 

I called Beth just to make sure I wasn't crazy and that the mom acted like she had no problems with me inviting that lady when shiela was there, that she couldn't understand why that was

 

I just don't get it its not like I wanted to invite Frankenstein over Larissa has been there for me when ever I needed her I never have to worry that someone isn't going to show up. The therapist always says I am not going to change them and I know that but I don't know how to keep it from hurting me.  The only way I can get through things is to try to make sense of them.  I also know that some things don't make sense and never will.  But then I'm back to the same question. How do I make it not hurt? Is that possible to do? Is it ever possible?  If so how does one do that?

 

If it wasn't for the fact that my grandma is very sick actually she's getting some better but it wasn't for her and the fact that my favorite aunts going to be their Christmas Eve I wouldn't even go. I will be alone on Christmas day for the first time. It's going to be strange

Barb

 

One person with many parts all hoping for freedom to be themselves in this crazy world of oneness

 

                                    

 

short update

This is Saturday, slept most of the day I had a good time at the light tour it was a lot of fun. The food was really good to especially the potatoes. My mind is kind of blank don't know if that makes sense don't really feel like going to church either but the Cantata is tomorrow so hopefully I'll enjoy that just a short update and the grandmother is sick I think they are going to take her to the emergency room bye

Too many feelings not enough room

Hi feeling so down, its December How did it get to be this time again? I wish the world could just stop so some how I can catch up. I am just sad, my struggle with food persists I was so hungry yesterday and ate almost a whole pizza :( than nothing today. its a battle but the thing is if I am honest I just want to eat less and less, I am not abnormally thin if fact i would be considered over weight. probably because the majority of time I don't eat anything nutritious  just eat junk.

 

also i know there are those among us that don't care for Dr Phil :) so bare with me's if your reading this.

 

They have had three shows now about this 2 year old girl, when she was 1. the mother wanted her father to be involved in her life. To make a long story short and easier to read, they very quickly thought she was being abused by the Dad. the mom got a call from the hosp that something happened. well she didn't want this man involved with her daughter of course.

 

the man said no way (surprise) they gave all three lie detector tests. The mom and her mom passed he failed every single question.

 

he went to his town, took another test and passed, but one part wasn't scored by the police department, with no exclamation why. when scored again showed deception. The Judge still gave the man unsupervised visits with the child, and if the mother didn't give him to her for that visitation, she would be in contempt, spend 15 days in jail and darning that time HE would have the child. I am just so sad for this child and it just brought a lot of stuff up.

 

One time, my T said if the Psycho dad ever admitted what he did to me he would probably blow his head off. In the show, the man said If he ever abused his child he would blow his head off.  they were hard shows to watch but i am so glad I did because it showed me, no matter how much evidence they had to the contrary this man never admitted anything. That was validating to me because it shows how ppl will go to any length to hide their sickness.

 

On the first show Dr Phil didn't believe the mother when she told him she was blown off by DPS. On the third show she came back with her lawyer to verified that yes they did basically. He had to choose his words very careful, but Dr Phil was very well educated that DPS doesn't always err on the side of caution or what is in the child's best interest for this I am glad. it just stirred up so much in me and i just needed to write thanks 

Sad Barbara by herself

 

One person with many parts all hoping for freedom to be themselves in this crazy world of oneness

 

                                    

 

My week and will the real multiples stand up

It is Sunday, I stayed home from church I slept for a lot of the day I needed a break so much that I can't decide if it helped me to have one or not for the majority of the week I had nightmares awful awful dreams most of the worse ones happened during the day I think. I am feeling pretty depressed and tired. You wouldn't think I would be tired sense all I've been doing a sleeping. I ate better than usual for the last two days but I feel like crap my head hurts and I just don't feel good. I canceled my ride to the school tomorrow, I thought I was going to be watching Dawson he is sick. Yolanda didn't call, but I canceled it anyway truth be told I really didn't want to go.

It seems like when I get the time that I really need to rest I get rest but that's not all I get. People inside assert themselves. What they will do, what they won't do, who they will talk to who, they won't talk to and what they will do to accomplish their goals a lot of which aren't good goals to have. In my opinion

And I'm so tired of non multiples weighing in on things that are for us. A sourcebook is for people that need it not for people that want to study. I am just not in a very good mood right now I am tired of Bob, I don't care what he thinks about books for multiples I don't care what he thinks about anything in the context of multiples or multiplicity just needed to say that. Going to go lay back down, right now I wish I could stay there forever

our Thanksgiving Day

Today Thanksgiving Day started ok except  lots more bad dreams Yolanda Dawson and Larissa came. That was nice, the food was really good Dawson and Joseph had a great time playing together. The psycho dad put then higher toilet in their bathroom for some reason I couldn't do it but that happens to me sometimes the first time I try. I called mom in there but I still couldn't do it I was on the edge of my seat I told her to get the psycho dad no one came I started yelling and yelling and yelling finally he comes in I was like where were you? he said I was out in the Van then my brother told me when I was still in there not to yell when he's talking on the phone to somebody I said you  idiot I was falling, didn't you have any idea that something might be wrong? I mean what did he think I was yelling for my health?

And then there's Olsen, I decided to brush him last night about 12:30 a.m. because I really hadn't in a couple of days probably in about a week to be honest. I brushed and brushed and brushed well what does he do? Even though the pool was covered to keep the heat in, he jumps right in LOL there went my brushing now he's just exhausted on the couch another Thanksgiving over another year is gone

I am not going to do anything tomorrow more relaxing I hope I don't have any more bad dreams last night was the worst yet so bad that I can't even write it but it's one of those that I never will forget just like lots of them lately

Who knows who knows who

why? but still proud

Why do people have to say hurtful things? I'm just minding my own business, having enough trouble as it is. Why can't people just leave me alone?

Sorry had to change the color Barb NLN sent me an e-mail to one address I didn't block of hers actually, she sent it to the owners address of the list thing not to use the picture she made for me. And on and on this means that someone on the list has been talking about me behind my back. I am not going to let it get to me, it's just that the truth means a lot to me and I would not lie about someone. I think the only person I have ever lied about is to myself about myself. And that's only because I need to sometimes because if I was truthful about everything. I think I would be too scared to keep going to keep trying. I know that's a weird logic, it makes sense to me, though. And I guess that's all that matters

All in all, I am proud of myself though if this situation had happened a year ago maybe. I probably wouldn't stand up for myself. All I did was care. I was honest with her, if someone told you they were down to 88 pounds and you knew they were taking diet pills. Not only that but they told you they were going to die if they stayed where they were and that they were going back to a place where they were horribly abused, that their parents, who were responsible for that abuse were out of prison, that this person had changed her name to get away from the people. But now were going back, wouldn't any logical person be afraid for their friends? Would I have been  a friend, if I didn't tell her I was afraid and scared for her? So I told her my fears

The next day I get a nasty letter from her saying that if I was truly her friends. I would support her, that everyone else has I really don't remember a lot of it. But she was very critical of me and told me that if I couldn't support her. Basically that she didn't want anything to do with me. I wrote her letter, told her that it wasn't that I didn't support her that I was scared for her and didn't want to loose her and that that's where my comments were born from. I told her I wasn't going to say I was wrong for caring about her and that if she wanted to get in touch with me she knows where I am of course before she wrote me the nasty letter. She left, the list. Once again

A few months later, I got the picture she made for me with me in a wheelchair. So I contacted her, and we talked. I asked her if she'd like to try again, she said she would like that. She rejoined the list and then the dreaded subject came up about people feeling they were born multiple, to make that story a little shorter. She put me down in front of the whole list, and with our friendship,Being in the fragile state it was, That was it for me. Not only did she keep a subject going that was real hurtful to someone that was new to our list but she put me down in the process

I know I made the right decision. I know I needed to end things after I got yet another mean message but I feel guilty. I feel guilty because of secret and little girl. Viney was thier first friend but not only that. We don't give our heart to just anybody and we don't give it easily. So there is a lot of hurt, but still we are proud that we stood up for what we believed was right we didn't say we were wrong just to keep the friendship because we knew it would just keep happening if we didn't agree with everything she said or thought that is  what we have to hold on to

We are going to go try and sleep we want to stay home so much tomorrow, but we won't, I hope church goes okay, because way too much has happened lately we need peace

we hope some will to us tomorrow

trying to get back in the habit of writing

Not sure what to say, just want to try to get in the habit again writing because I haven't in a long time I'm going to the trailer of the parents have on Wednesday. Really don't feel like going, but they fixed the bathroom, so hopefully I can use it. So I'm going to go check that out. I can't let Olsen get wet because it won't wash his advantage off but he can still run around. I hope I can sleep good. I took an hour now. Kind of late, but I couldn't help I couldn't stay awake just feeling weird is the best way I can describe it. I guess just feeling kind of numb not firmly planted, but it's different than usual. Maybe it's just cause my body is tired. I almost feel like I'm being blocked from everybody else right now. I don't know. Oh well like I said, I just wanted to get back in the habit of writing here. I know I said I had a lot to say and when I said that I probably did LOL. But I don't remember much in the last couple of days at all

Maybe I'll feel better if I get some sleep

and April if you read this get in touch with me am worried about you

I have so much to say

have so much i need to talk about but its late so much inside goodnight for now

many are talking Sunday

Yesterday I cleaned my table on my desk. I was looking for my checkbook, and once I started I couldn't stop so I was up till 2:00 a.m., which was really 1:00 a.m. because of the time change. I was really tired when I woke up, but I didn't have any nightmares. So I was glad they were 10 minutes early, picking me up today  from church I couldn't believe it as soon as I got home I got in bed and I stayed there. I think till about 6:30 p.m. haven't been eating good for the last couple of days, but it makes me so happy. Makes me feel good. Like I accomplished something, I know that's messed up thinking but we all know that I'm messed up anyway right? Gosh I can't believe it already Monday almost, but I don't have to leave till 1 p.m.. So it won't be too bad. I went to see Annie on Friday it was so awesome. It's the best musical I've ever seen, and we had great seats. I have never seen such talented kids before the whole crew was great, but the kids wow is all I can say.

My friend Mrs. Erwin is coming down in January. I am so excited. I am embarrassed though, I wrote to her and asked if maybe she could come to my house and we could walk to the mall, because I wanted her to see my home, that it wasn't too far yada, yada, yada. Well she wrote back saying that I probably didn't remember. But she had come here the first year I moved (which was three years ago). And we had walked to the mall. I know it shouldn't be a big thing, and it's not I guess, but it just lets me know how much I don't remember all the time and it lets her know to. I know that it's part of being me, but when it hits me right in the face like that. It's still hard, and it makes me think that I haven't come far at all. Even though logically I know I have in some ways.

Something interesting happened, the mom called me on the phone this morning. Or this afternoon, I mean, I told her I was sleeping. She said let me just tell you this one thing, and she had an excitement in her voice. I said okay, what? she said, I checked the book "when rabbit howls." Out from the library, have you ever read that book? I said yeah, that's an old book, and she said, it figures. And that was the end of the conversation. The plot thickens as far as the mom goes. She went to get her blood drawn on Friday before we went to the play. She had a panic attack. They were having trouble getting her blood drawn, and she started crying. And I forgot what else she said, but she asked me if I thought it was a panic attack. And I said yes, I really feel bad for her that she has to have more surgery in January to fix the many hernias that she has the doctor said she would be in the hospital at least a week. I hope this is the last surgery she will have to have. She did say. Now I know why you don't want to have to have surgery.

Well I guess that's all for now. I'm still tired even though I slept a lot. I am going to go back to bed and say a prayer that the kids are good tomorrow. And then I'm well rested.

Many of us are here, but few of us are heard

whats happening with me's

I don't know where to start well I guess I will start from where I can remember. Monday, when I went to school. The guy was an hour late to pick me up then he stopped to get gas. I was really late they were there on time to pick me up to take me home at 4:15 but I didn't get home till six o'clock. I was so frustrated. I called the supervisor while I was still on the Van. They're going to get me my own driver again, and I know who it is her name is Cindy. She's really nice so I am happy. I hope it works out. Time will tell I guess I was so tired I didn't feel like going to school today. I have been having really bad nightmares, one of the dreams. There were people getting killed, and all kinds of stuff those are the kind that I will remember for always, although I don't remember the whole thing. And I usually do when I have vivid dreams like that. I have been having lots of problems sleeping. Yesterday I went to the church to have my picture taken for the directory. I was so excited, because the lady that usually cuts my hair fixed it really nice. I would give anything to be able to use a curling iron, but lack of coordination and a curling iron don't go good together LOL. I got a few things at target

I went to sleep again early this morning I slept till nine got up and took Olsen out and fed him. Then went back to sleep until one and laid in bed till 3:31 Larissa came I went to the church for the study are having and luckily I didn't have to wait long for my ride.

I love my wireless. Its so cool. I actually love this AOL too I can see it so clear. And now I have everything working great. My reading software my wireless and my dictating software love it love it love it. I get to sleep in tomorrow also and were going to see Annie at Ruth Eckard Hall I love musicals. I love any theater really is my most favorite thing to watch. The only thing I didn't like was Rent for some reason I could not understand at all. It was really weird.

I forgot to say that Olsen was able to play with some kids that were at the church. While we were eating dinner, I got to run and run and run. I just love to watch him run. Anyway I guess that's all for now.

From me myself and I of BJ's crowd

Today was a good day overall, the kids were really good.  I saw Christy finally she keeps telling me she still has my birthday present to give me the kids were about to leave today.  I looked under Myia's desk and thought I saw envelope said Barb on it and sure enough it did it was the card from Christy Miya song I open it and she said.  Can I have that?  As she was trying to grab the money LOL.  Anyway I told Christy she should pick a different student if she has to give me anything in the future it was a cute card it had one of those hairless dogs on it today was the first day in a long time that I wasn't in pain.  My arm didn't hurt my neck didn't hurt I hope it last and really it was the first day I felt awake I slept a lot.  I am so happy.  I'm not going anywhere tomorrow on Saturday, I told the parents I would go to their house in Homassa don't really want to,  they think I'm going  to spend a lot of time there.  And really  I don't know why they would think that I found out that everybody is going to New York next meaning my immediate family next month for my uncle and aunts 50th wedding anniversary they didn't even tell me about but of course grandma would in her sick way I'm sure it made her happy to tell me.  Somehow gave her enjoyment of course when I asked the mom about it.  She said oh, I thought I  told you.  I have been saying for a year that I would like to go to New York.  But again, it's too much trouble.  I'm too much trouble.  So again I am set apart,  just like they didn't tell me about my nephew's birthday party and other things I don't get it But yet they want me to come to their trailer to spend time with them?  Why would I want to go there to be in a trailer in close quarters with the psycho dad?  Why do they want to make a bathroom that I can get into there?  But yet it took them a year at least to lower a bar in their bathroom that is close by? and I had to continuously ask them to do that  then i finally told them i wasnt coming over until they fixed it cause it was too hard for me.  it maybe took 5 mins after he found the studs to do it    I just don't know Why didn't I tell them I didn't want to go?  Well the good thing is, they don't have a bathroom I can use yet.  So I'm not to be able to stay very long and even if I can I won't so it won't be too bad.  And I'll get to see my favorite little Greyhound or I should say my favorite big Greyhound.  My little fawn and Olsen will get to run in their yard and I think they have one of those little baby pools to so he will have fun and I will have fun watching him the mother accidentally opened one of my brothers credit card bills.  Yeah sure it was an accident LOL any way he got 3000 dollars cash in one month.  The mom she thinks his goal is to declare bankrupt, I said, what kind of goal is that?  I am really worried about him.  I know he loves me and I don't know that about anybody else in my family.  I just feel something bad is going to happen he's drinking and driving I think I might have already written about that I am so tired.  Going to go to bed

a totally boring update

I don't think I have written in a couple of days today is Tuesday. Yesterday I went to the school the kids were okay. Julien didn't want to work, and I was really frustrated when the day ended the teacher told me that his mom had written that he probably would be Un-coropertive because he had a busy weekend. I told Ms. Lafemina that I wish she would have told me and that I wouldn't have been so frustrated when he totally ignored me. The driver was 45 minutes late picking me up the traffic was awful. So I didn't get home till about 6 p.m.. today we went to see Dawn I was really tired. Don't remember much about it at all. Came home and got a sandwich I went to sleep for quite a few hours. I am still really tired. The only thing I have to do tomorrow is have a meeting with JoAnn about my support plan for the next year. Totally boring, then nothing for the rest of the day I thank goodness. I guess that's all I know this was pretty lame, but oh well. Good night to us from us wherever we are

the workshop with Olsen

In doing a back dated entry. I hope it works I wanted to write about Orlando. I had fun I wish there were more people that I knew there. the first thing we did was have quickest, sit contest Olsen was the first one out LOL. When I went to Orlando to get him. They told me not to correct him for sitting slow that they had tried to fix it. And that was just him I thought he had a better chance, though, because he has been sitting faster since I have had him but true to form he was the first one out LOL he is such a danty sitter then there was a presentation on aging just what I wanted to hear. Then there was lunch the dad stayed out in the Van the whole time which was good for me. He came in to check with me right before lunch. I told him we were going to have lunch and he went to McDonald's LOL. He is so weird. Well, I know that nothing new, but the thing is, if the mom had been there or anybody else in quote. The family he would have come in to spread his psycho-ness around or to me. Anyway, he would have constantly annoyed me or make comments to the people around about me

Then after lunch there was a presentation about giving presentations. It started off okay, but it ended up being. Look how wonderful me and my dog are. I was right next to the guy and I was about to go get a pin to deflate his head and a shovel so he could dig himself out, LOL. I did get a chuckle though when he said he groomed his  dog for an hour every day. That was quite halirous to me I laughed to myself, and i wondered if his dog had gold toe nails or something LOL  but I made a comment on the comments sheet about it  anyway it was okay and the psycho dad wasn't too psycho, it was good over all

Its been awhile since I have written yesterday I went to the movies I saw the departed with Jack Nicholson. It was very violent, but other than that it was a good movie. Then I went to church for dinner at Bible study that was okay, but I was so tired that I think my head bobbed a little bit threw the Bible study but oh well. I came home and I don't remember much of the rest of the night, I don't think today I got up and waited for Larissa. So she could dye my hair I was so tired that I couldn't even keep my eyes open hardly when she left I blew it dry and went to bed. Slept for about two hours, then got up and took Olsen  out and brushed him really good. I wanted him to look nice for the workshop tomorrow. I don't know who is going to bring me at this point. My brother or the psycho dad the mom told me that if he doesn't get up by a certain time. The psycho dad will come I am really worried about my brother again. The mom tells me that he was drinking and he saw cops. So he pulled over and call a cab. The a cab took an hour and a half to get their the next day The grandmother told him she would bring him to get his car, but he said no and called a cab again. It was like 60 dollars each time. He has no money is living on credit cards I just don't know what's going to happen to him. I hope it goes okay tomorrow. I'm excited. I'm still having strange stuff happen with my arm sometimes it feels soft and it doesn't hurt and other times it feels hard. And it's sore again my neck is a lot better, but it's still sore. Its never lasted this long, but I can move it pretty well. I just have trouble turning it to the right, I am hungry but I don't want to eat because it's late and I know they're going to have lunch at the workshop is going to be so nice seeing everybody. I always get so uplifted when I am around them they will get to see how awesome Olsen is LOL. I am so proud of my boy I will write again when I get home. I don't believe much in luck anymore so I guess I will say. I hope I will have lots of good blessings tomorrow and for those of you that pray any prayers would be appreciated

goodnight once again, all of BJ's crowd

my filled up day

am so tired, but I wanted to write. I have been having so much problems the last two days. I can't remember anything. I keep having to call and ask what time my rides are for Olsen's got the point and it wasn't till two and I made my picked up for 12:15 p.m.. Then I couldn't remember what time I was supposed to be picked up even though I asked this morning now I am not sure when my pick up is for tomorrow I am so frustrated. They let me drop Olsen off early at pet Smart I went to get a burger. Then I went to family Christian stores, I got a new keychain and two T-shirt I got my friend Patrice a book about breast cancer. It's a Journal, but it also gives information and encouragement. It has questions to answer to help you deal with certain situations. I am worried about Patrice, I just seems really depressed wouldn't be with what she's gone through I just wish I realize that she could talk about it and she doesn't think its just when she starts crying. She stopped herself, and I think that's what she most needs to do. Just cry and let it how. And let me or somebody be there with her so she is not alone with it all she wants me to find out if it would be possible for her to be a puppy raiser. How she we deal with teaching the puppy to potty symptom would be hard for her to run with the puppy outside fast. Maybe they have some sort of solution, because I know there have been puppy raisers that have been in chairs before. So I hope it works out, because it's hard to be depressed with the puppy around LOL. My brother might go with me to Orlando Saturday instead of the dad. Or I should say, the psycho dad. He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies, because the kids are in Georgia for a week I told him about Orlando and he said maybe he'll take me. So we would get to talk. I said I would love that I don't really want to spend the whole day with dad. I said, I know baby. I don't blame you, he said he'll get his people to talk to my people. I wonder what that means LOL maybe he has people? Just kidding, but then again, I guess anything is possible. Anyway I hope it works out that he will come that would be really cool going to bed now. Goodnight, whoever you are

its Monday again

Today was okay. We went to the school the last period of the day is really hard. There are a lot of kids there that are not usually in our class. I have to constantly tell this one group of kids. Please stop banging your desk. Please put your feet down pay attention over and over and over, but I'm proud of myself because I have been able to hold my cool. Or I should say. I've been able to keep others from losing theirs, which is not easy. The teacher is treating me as an equal now, and that really helps. I don't feel I have to ask her for every little thing. When the kids are misbehaving, I jump right in last year, she used to ask me what happened all the time, which made me feel kind of less than or more accurately, not an equal. The principal asked me about the boy that I was talking to last week apparently he got into it with another teacher and the principal was asking me that I see it. And I told him no. But then when I thought about it. he probably did get into it with her i just turned around and made a call I heard him talking to somebody Either way, I didn't see enough to help. So I guess I shouldn't let it bother me. I don't know if my arm is better or not, every time I think it feels better. It seems to start hurting worse. My neck is still hurting. Like I said, I guess I'm getting old have been at my computer most of the day. I am excited about the website. It's almost ready I'm not to go to the school on Thursday the kids have half a day and since there's no school on Friday they get to have their earned time which means they get to do special things depending on how much money they have earned through the week. So they'll be playing. I think I'll go to a movie and then to a dinner there starting at church. My brother went to a psychiatrist today through my mom of course, I learned that he was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. LOL. I think it's funny, only because that's what I told my mom, I thought he had. So she started reading about it and leaving books around. But anyway, he was diagnosed with that and started on medication I am really proud of him. I just wish he felt like he could talk to me I wish he felt the need to call me. But oh well, the important thing is that he actually went for help, which is totally awesome. Considering how much it was discouraged in our family. The thing that gets me though is that the psycho dad that spread his psychoness to all of us thinks he's just fine. I am really nervous. I'm going to Orlando on Saturday for graduate workshop at canine companions. The parents had to take care of Brock Payton, and Alex. They were going to come with us, but the mom tells me now that she is going to stay home with the kids and the dad is to bring us to Orlando. Totally yuck I ask beth to think about going. I hope she does, but she would have to get ready really early. So I understand if she doesn't want to come, because she works all week. I told her I would be okay to just makes me think of all the time I was with him when the mom got sick and don't remember a lot of it. But I remember enough to know. I don't want to spend all that time with him, but I will do it because I also want to see my friends at canine companions Stacy was going to take me. But she had to go to New York to help her grandma her grandpa is really sick in hospice. Oh well, just make sure I bring extra Seroquel, because Lord knows I am going to need it. I wish I was kidding. It's late so I better go. Goodnight to us

a good Sunday i think :)

My day was okay. I went to church met with dawn about doing the habitat stuff hope we can remember every thing. The driver was almost a half-hour late picking me up. I was really tired. My arm really hurt today I came home and got some doughnuts. Then I slept for a couple of hours. I talked to Catherine she is pretty new at the e-mail list. I am excited. She is going to help me build a website for dissociation land it's going to have a chat room. That's private, and it's going to have lots of information about the DID the members are going to have a place to put their artwork and poetry. I am really excited and we are going to have links where people can get more information and we are also going to have a place where members can share their stories if they want to Catherine is really nice and she does websites for a living it's only in a cost like 30 dollars a year. She gets breaks because of her job. She told me not to worry about the 30 dollars, but to me it's important. I want to help in some way, and I could afford to 30 dollars. I'll be doing other stuff to work and have scheduled chats. We are not going to let just anybody be in the chats. They have to be a member of the e-mail list first for an unspecified length of time. So I can make sure they're safe or relatively so.

Other than that me and Barb NLN finally talked well online she sent me a picture that she was working on before we had our misunderstanding or whatever it was. So I contacted her through messenger to thank her. We talked etc. etc., and I asked her if she would like to try again. She said she would like that. She told me she doesn't like talking about her eating disorder that it was personal. And I reminded her that she was the one that brought it up in the first place. And I told her that it scared me that she was 88 pounds and she felt she was going to die. She said she understood, but she got triggered. She doesn't like being pushed. I told her I realize she felt that way, but I was just concerned. Anyway, we will see what happens. I did not ask her if she is still thinking about moving back to St. Louis if she does she does.

She asked to come back to the list so I sent her an invite. There were four people pending for membership so I wrote to them, because I didn't receive their answers to our three questions that we have an I wanted to see if they need me to re-send them. One person wrote me back and said how are dissociated people supposed to answer forms that she could not. I was like LOL okay I wrote back to her, and I said, did you read the guidelines with questions on the bottom? I said, if you can type you shouldn't have a problem. If you need my help let me know and I'm thinking to myself oh boy does this person joins. She is definitely going on moderation LOL, but at least I got my laugh for the night. So that was a good thing tomorrow's Monday. So I will be at the school again hope my arm feels better if it doesn't. I think I'll probably leave Olsen at home, but it's feeling pretty good right now. I know this is long, but now that I have this great software that dictates I can just talk and talk and talk LOL. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, smiles. Goodnight to me BJ's crowd

totally strange about my arm

Ok this is weird, my arm has been hurting and now the muscle is hard to the touch and sore. the thing is last year around this time, the same exact thing happened. the Onny reason i remember is that it was really bad on holloween night, i remember because i went with the neighbors trick or treating.that was on a Sunday. when i saw Dawn the following Tuesday it was red and warm to the touch. she was thinking it was celulitis well when i saw the doctor the following day, it was gone, still a tad sore but nothing like it was

and now? it happened again? totally weird :(

someone for Bjs crowd

I had an okay day today. I slept pretty good when I finally went to sleep. I went to the middle school today, the kids were really good Billy wasn't there and  that help somewhat. He's a great little boy, but he goes off easy. The kids have a spelling test Julian is so cute, but he so stubborn. He falls behind easily the teacher tells him to go onto the next word. I tell him to go on to the next word, but he doesn't any way. The kids had a lot of free time today so that meant that Olsen had a lot of play time. They have a tennis ball for him. I think it's really good for the kids to have him there I let them walk him around. Give him treats and tell him what to do they enjoy that especially Miya she can tell him what to do and he actually listens sometimes and he doesn't talk back, which is great for Miya

my ride was late so I was waiting outside a boy came out fuming cursing ready to explode. He was saying I hate that woman. So I asked him what happened. he said that woman is the Devils child's I said, who he said Ms. Porter I didn't tell him that was my sister LOL. He said that he got into it with the bus driver. Etc. etc., and she made it off the bus. So a relative had to come pick him up. I ended up having a long talk with him because my ride was taking forever. I told him he needs to get a punching bag to get his anger out. Of course he informed me that he didn't want to Punch a bag he wanted to punch the person LOL. I said well don't you think that would get you into even more trouble. He agreed. He asked if I got picked on a lot because I was in the chair. I said, yeah. Sometimes, I told him that he doesn't have to like what adults tell him but he needs to respect them I pointed out that if he had he would almost be home by now. And he agreed any way, I think I made some headway with him. I found out that his grandmother had just gotten custody of him from his mother. Because one of the teachers came up and asked how things were going. He said things are great as grandmother's, as usual. My heart was sad it seems like all the kids I've run into have such hard lives. But like I told my mom later God puts me where I need to be I guess I told Devon it doesn't matter what people say about him. He knows he's smart, and sometimes it's better to walk away because he knows the truth about himself. Anyway, I hope  it helped him feel better.  when I got home I called Christi and left a message that I heard she has a new name, compliments of Devon that she is now. The Devils child's LOL. I'm sure she'll get a kick out of it.

My neck is feeling a lot better. Still hurts. I don't know why but my arm hurt. Its really sore is actually hurting more than my neck now. I don't get it. I guess not getting too old smiles. Well considering I just found out it's after 2 a.m. I guess I better close this. I hate it when I think it should be 12, and it's 2 a.m.. Anyway, that's part of being me, I guess.

Goodnight to me myself and I

A short update

Another long day went to the therapist came home and brushed Olsen. I think I was only after about 20 minutes. It was so hot, but he really needed it because he went swimming in the pool on Sunday. The when he dried all that loose hair was their anyway, he looked really nice. I went to the mall to meet my friend, ann we went to the macaroni Grill. I am not going to say anything except major bad decision on my part. We went to Borders I saw my friend Julie. She works there, we are going to get together soon. she said she really misses me. I bought  Brianna a holloween book. I am so happy am not going anywhere tomorrow. All I have to say is bed bed and more bed LOL goodnight to those inside and out those near and abroad.

I don't know who I am, but I am here, who ever I am

A very busy Monday

I am really tired.  I went to school today the kids were good.  When I got home Stacey I was waiting to pick me up.  We went to the mall, I needed to get a cleaner for my DVD player on the way there.  A car tried to cut another one off Stacey had to slam on the on her brakes.  Needless to say my neck that was almost all the way better is now hurting really bad.  Even worse than it was began with we were supposed to see a movie to, but I told her I was too tired.  Audrey called me about Rocky today I was so scared that something was wrong.  She must've known I was thinking about them.  She said he was okay.  She thinks he's totally deaf now, and Ron Has to help him get up into the camper I just got back from camping last week.  They were gone the whole summer I am going  to call them next week so we can make a time for them to bring Rocky over.  It is Rocky's birthday tomorrow I am going to meet my friend ann at the mall.  I don't want to go, I haven't seen her in a very long time, though my neck is killing me, but I'll go anyway I am going to take Olsen out and take my medicine and get in bed.  I really hope my neck feels some better in the morning.  It was hard for me to get from my bed to my chair goodnight to me whoever I am

my good Sunday with Brianna and Joe

I am really tired, but I needed to write. I had a long day today after church I went to my moms house. My niece and nephew Brianna and Joe really wanted to celebrate my birthday. It was so nice. They were so excited. They decorated the whole dining room with streamers, and they were so excited about the little presents they got for I told them how beautiful everything was and how excited I was made a big fuss and they were so excited smiling. It brings me so much joy that they love me so much And look forward to seeing me. My favorite aunt came over again to and my cousin Claudia my cousin Claudia has MS. I am sad to watch her. Its hard to see her walking with difficulty. When I was young, from ages 13 to 18. I went to New York where she lived three weeks out of the summer she used to help me. And now she has trouble walking herself to her house has stairs. Soon they will have to sell it because it's getting really hard for her to climb up the stairs

my cousin Gina that was in the drug treatment center got kicked out she text message somebody she has a cell phone with Internet mind you yeah the drug addict. She said at the date and said she would have sex with somebody for crack. So they kicked her out. Now she's home again, her parents are sicker then she is their whole life revolves around her. Even when she was at the treatment center. They picked her up all the time brought her food and believe it or not. She has a car in the driveway. They won't let her drive but her father pays insurance on the car, because it's her car. And I guess they think she'll get better magically. It is very very sad.

I had a really good night. I hope I sleep well. I also hope the kids are good tomorrow. It was pretty exciting Olsen got to go swimming in my moms pool. He had lots of fun is going to sleep good tonight I'm sure Tuesday's Rocky's birthday. So I'm going to give him a call. I pray that he's doing okay. I really miss him. He will be 14.

Going to get ready for bed now. Goodnight to all of me

my icky feeling friday

Feeling sad today, I wish people thought more of life and it is taken so easily it seems like people will shoot a gun an a person just as easy as if they were stepping on an ant the world is so scary.  Its hard to find good in it sometimes.  But it's all we got so I guess we have to do the best we can

 

I got a headache I did not eat good today.  I'm not to go anywhere tomorrow.  I am glad going to the parents on Sunday I hope it goes okay.  I'm not in the mood for any stress but I guess nobody would be my neck has been hurting the last couple of days.  I don't know why, but I'm not able to get in the shower.  I might be able to, but some things I can't take a chance with because it's not like I can change my mind in the middle if it hurts too much
oh well I'm getting get ready for bed

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

My not exciting wedensday

Today was a relaxing day although I think I stayed in my chair to long my legs are really stiff I hope things are quiet at the school tomorrow I am really tired I brushed Olsen really good this morning he really needed it. He looks great, I need to call Audrey and Ron about Rocky and see how he is doing.  They said they would bring him this month, if he was doing okay.  It figures they wouldn't call I just hope he's OK.  I always get scared to call, because I know one day soon.  He's not going to be doing well I mean he's going to be 14.  In October.  That's a lot of years I will probably call tomorrow, if I don't chicken out.
I am hungry, I think I'll have a little chocolate before bed maybe it will encourage me to have good dreams you never know I didn't do much today.  So I don't have much to say.
Goodnight to me myself and I

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

Me tuesday

Hmmm went to T today the woman still not call the T I hate going sometimes when I can't rememer stuff and when i fight so hard to stay there, not to look through the haze, then more haze then heavy eyes then not seeing clear then I go. not aware of anything, nothing to hear nothing to see just not there so time stops for me. at some point i am back feeling totally drained and sleepy, then all the sudden I have energy. where does it come from? so I can see and hear and am back. but where do i go and why do i have to? I use to want to go all the time, so i wouldnt fight so hard to stay. why do i have to be in pieces? why did I have to split? why couldnt barbara and I stay as one? why werent we strong enough even with The mean one with us? we couldnt stay together. so we make progress yeah, but we split which is way not progress. sometimes i just feel like our inside universe is like a tennis game, we are on a huge court ppl all around and someone is going to get hit hard to the outside world even if they dont wanna be there, so then they bounce as much as they can and then they stop and someone else gets hit out and maybe another and another then no one knows what to do, who speaks, who moves who leaves who stays. then your not able to put all the balls back in the right place even if you try your best so then they get upset cause they want things to be axactly how they were before they got pushed out, but it never can be exactly like it was ever again. but the tennis matches never stop even tho you dont want to play anymore so the game goes on against your will and because you wont play, the game goes on as if you never were

I HATE TENNIS 
Barb of this messed of me's

feeling so tired, but some better

where to start I am off of another list.  Now I know why on the second day that the group was even formed the lady asked if she was too controlling will now I can answer yes she's sure the hell is.
Without going into everything, because I can't bear to go through it again.  She picked so much a part and made so many assumptions.  Just from me asking one question, she wrote 4 long e-mail and I can tell you another thing.  She is one of the most paranoid persons I have ever met.

Enough of that I am finally feeling better thank goodness I haven't been out anywhere since Wednesday.  I could've went to the schools today, but I knew I would be so tired and boy was I right I slept most of the day.  And I'm sure I'll have no problem sleeping tonight.  My neck is hurting, but it's not too bad.  I thought I had to go to the dentist tomorrow.  I'm so glad I don't.  It's not till October 30 I have been eating so much the last couple of days I feel like a total cow I hate when mom brings food.  I can't bear to throw it out so what'll I do I eat it all and I gained weight so fast.  So the cycle continues.

I am so glad that the thorn in my side one of them anyway is no longer there.  I spend so much energy thinking and thinking about this supposed friend I hope  that She somehow gets out  of her dysfunction but to do that she would have to think of someone else's feelings beside herself.  She would have to actually talk about things that were  painful to her one thing I can understand though is I was the one that was hurting. When I finally did tell her she didn't even respond to my e-mail.  Then when I brought it up she said the reason that she didn't respond, was because she didn't know what to say.  And she was hurting too much about it

 

So she was to hurt to talk about how hurt I was and I am so direct that she felt intimidated?  Anyway, it's ludicrous, then she says she wishes I would have told her in February?  so if i were to tell her in feb it would have let her be able to talk about it?  But because I wrote her a couple months ago.  It was too painful for her to talk about, but she wishes, I would've told her in February.  Instead of waiting?  Does that make sense to anybody?  i asked her what would have been different if i would have told her in feb, in a email among other things which she didn't bother to address, just told me that she couldn't deal with it and i told her that's the problem, she never can deal with anything, so nothing ever gets dealt with.  But this way she could be a victim and make it somehow my fault.  And that's okay, if she needs to do that.  I just don't think she's capable of thinking of other people.  She says, how much she cares for people how compassionate she is but yet she doesn't pick up the phone.  Even after she knows how much I was hurt that she hadn't called and she knew how much I was struggling about it?  Her words don't mean anything, because her actions don't support her words,

a new shows coming on called heroes.  It looks really interesting it is going  to start soon.  So guess I will go for now

 

where to start 't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

hmmm what to say this day Friday

hmm ok, what a day, i know this is personal but well I need to talk about it so oh well, and besides not to many are on my friends list now as I have made some needed deletions.

I hate my friggin period. I am on BC and only get it every 3 months but damn I am having such a hard time. I didn't go to the school on Thursday and they were having a new singles group at church that i really wanted to go to and couldn't geeze it is sooooooo bad, i am going to talk to my doctor I think i see her in Nov and ask her what she thinks about me having this procedure that I read about called well i forgot what its called (surprise) any way, i think what they do is use a laser and remove the lining of the uterus, its less invasive than a dnc and it makes your period really light or even stops it, its good for ppl who arent going to have children, unfortunately i am not even though I want to i would love to but that's another book for another day...I just can't take it, i spend the majority of my day not kidding in the bathroom.

 

ok thanks for baring with me i am done talking about THAT LOL I think somebody close to where i live must have got wirer less internet cause i am pulling an awesome signal very happy happy LOL but cant get rid of my DSL because if they move or whatever I would be totally screwed so i am just going to enjoy it for now

going to go back to bed now night to my peoples and to those reading  

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

FEELING TO MUCH AND NOT ENOUGH

gosh i am not feeling well, I am feeling so many things but yet i am not. I dont understand what is going on right now. I am hurting but then somewhere feeling nothing at the same time, so confused. Feeling like i want to hurt myself, i know I won't just havent felt like doing that so strong in a long time, even though I am feeling like that, my head is so full. at times it doesnt even feel like its connected to my body and my hands dont feel connected either just trying to look at the words coming on the screen. I feel so sad about amy, but dont even understand why, i feel so sad that I didnt mean enough to her i guess, i didnt mean enough for her to pick of the phone or to put herself aside for one second to really listen to me. I am angry that i gave and gave and gave, even paying for her dart rides when she couldnt aford it, which was most of the time. paying for stuff when we went out most of the time, and never was it retured, and frankly, i feel it kinda almost got to be expected or not that, more so taken for granted that if she didnt have i would do it. I dont know, i struggle with this so much this DID I hate it, but its how i am, but yet others aren't but pretend to be? when i told her she should be blessed that she doesnt loose time and is co consious that she was further along at least in that area. what does she do? she gives reasons why she is not futher along. I always feel happy when ppl tell me i am improving, it brings me joy, because there is so many times i feel so bad and want to give up so much. But amy? she wants to be DID and not ddnos? she wants to be a dxed as a "true multiple" with 150 insiders? and feels its stupid that she would be dxed as ddnos?  i am so incredibly confused. WHY????  I don't want to live this way, i dont want to be this way, and I dont want things to haunt me, I dont want to accept that the psycho dad is that psycho that he almost ended Seacets life MY life, that he burned someone that he burned me my face. I was told it was a birth mark by him, so now i see it on my face and i see it happen over and over i hear my cries and now i am crying my tears on the outside how do i live with this. how do I look at the birth ppl and know this? Did you come close to being killed amy????? did you get burned on your face by you dad amy? did you get sufficated amy, did your dad have sex with you amy and you couldnt cry cause if you did even more pain would come? what is your trauma amy??? tell me what is it? do you want it to be worse than this amy? is this not even bad enough for you?

I am hating you so much at this moment amy  

How do I live with this knowledge? I wish i wasnt here right now. wish someone was here to hug me and say it will be ok i feel like my heart is going to explode  I dont want to be a "true multiple" amy, but I would rather be that, than be as sick as you amy
help me some how to get through this please 

hi to me's my sunday and probably more too

Isnt life grand?  well update ok. I did get my puter back thank you mama saprono and christi. and of course god too. been missing quite a bit of time as of late great, i love that LOL I did have an awesome time friday at church they had a musical show it was wonderful. told ppl i should get an award for the best sit down dancer LOL I swear i wish i could walk only to be able to dance then i would just go in my chair. I would love to be able to dance. i do have rythem very good for a white girl if i do say so myself, although just cause I am white on the outside i know lots aren't that way on the inside, it has been hard as of late because i am very much aware of my blackness its just hard to hear it actually coming out of my mouth, it just sounds so much different on the outside 

one of the van drivers asked him i was mixed cause he said i sounded black, i told him what a good friend said to me that i am ethinically inriched, and he said yes you are. its so hard because the voice is actually so different, which i didnt realize till extremely recently, I was inside saying just stop this i can stop talking this way, i am doing it on purpose but i couldnt stop talking that way because it wasnt me doing the talking and its just so hard

when i was 7 my mom actually had me evaluated by the speech therapist cause of how i was talking, and she told her i was using "black lingo" little did i know it was an insider. I been thinking why they were created and for one, until we moved to FL, i wasnt around lots of ppl that were black and two "the family" is extremely predidest   altough they would never admit that, they would just wait and talk behind ppls backs and even being 7 it hurt me so much, cause l really loved my friends and the ppl that helped me at school so i think that played a big part in why they were created that way. it was a way of me standing against them and saying that I am that way too and i dont care if you dont love me or that you judge me. all ppl are ok with me even if you dont like them, I have some inside that are spanish, and still can't figure out the one that speaks her own language, its so weird all the sudden these sounds come out of my mouth that sound like jibbish to me, i really dont get that.

the eating is not good for the last few days, wish that didnt make me so happy, yes i am fucked up i know back to school tomorrow to my kids, love them, and i pray i can give them some joy , even if it is just for a few hours, when they smile i just feel so wonderful, and thats one of my purposes in this fucked up world we live in, one of my missions in live so for now  god thank you for giving me my pain so i know where they are and can love them inspite of what they may show on the outside to survive I know cause i am them too
my crowd

my relaxing wedensday

I have been in bed most of the day-today watching TV actually one of my most favorite things to do I did get my computer back. Well not quite yet. My ex sister in law Christy has it she said Brian didn't say one word to her he didn't even apologize. Nothing came out of his mouth Christie took the opportunity to tell him how wrong she thought it was though. tomorrow, I am going to the middle school early, because Christy wants to have lunch with me. My companion Stacy is going to pick me up from there, that way I can get the computer at the same time. Larissa is going to buy it it will be nice to have some extra money. I talked to my therapist about going to the trauma unit again. She hadn't called yet because for some reason she didn't get my e-mail with the number on. It probably had something to do with switching from MSN and AOL on my part, who knows any way she is going to call. There's just no way I could decide anything or even start to decide unless i know if Olsen can come with. I mean, I could leave him home with somebody. But I would really feel like such a big part of the was missing its so different with Olsen. I mean, I really feel like he's part of me I never felt like that with Rocky I don't understand why I still feel guilty about that. I love Rocky, but it's not that deep down love. I just wouldn't feel like me without him. And that's saying a lot for someone that is multiple will see what happens.

I've been thinking about something

I am going to ask Christy, if she would mind if I said she was my sister. I don't like saying EX sister-in-law, and I don't like saying she is my friend because she is more then that she was married to my brother Dan for 10 years. But even before they got married we would go places together me and her I didn't bother her in the least that I was in a wheelchair. I am very perceptive and even if someone acts like they don't care I can always tell if they mean what they say. She is the closest thing to family that I have ever had. She really cares about me and loves me and I don't have to do one thing. I just have to be myself. I don't have to give her one thing. She just loves me because

I have been kind of down I have to remind myself about the things I have in life. Like Christy my friends my church. My therapist, and of course my Olsen. I really do love my chair to LOL. It is a great chair the best one I ever had. I think I've had it for about five years now. It is nice to be so comfortable and it is nice to be a speed demon if I want to be LOL and I love my laptop it's awesome. Oh well I guess that's enough rambling for now

Goodbye to me myself and I

.

why am I still up?

well i

wasn't going to write but a lot happened where to start Thursday I went to get the certified for my housing my rent only is going up 30 dollars so I am really glad about that also they said that I can paint my condo in colors. I am so happy this means so much to me, because in living 17 years on my own in government housing. You're not allowed to paint in color I have always had white or biege walls I am so thrilled now the trick is to figure out what color to use, I know it is hard for everyone. But when you're multiple that's my friend Melissa says OYE LOLmy mother called Brian's wife she said that Brian said. He taking 200 dollars so far for the computer with money orders. My mom asked if she saw the receipts she said no. But that he was coming home tonight. My mom told her that tomorrow. She wants you to need my brother with a computer or the check because he had told my brother that he would come to my house on Saturday which is tomorrow I don't wanna see. I can't believe I could lie like that. Even when he's caught he is still lying its amazing to metoday I checked my bank account I only had 88 dollars in there I couldn't believe it when I listen to the debts on the phone. There was one for hundred dollars the only bill that I had that was exactly that amount was for a credit card that was on auto pay but I close the account two months ago. Sure enough, when I called them. They were still deducting the money. They are sending it 200 dollars, I can't believe that they would be deducting money from a closed account that is scary no wonder I'm so short of money last month, but that's not really anything new, because I lose so much time lots of times, I don't know where the money goes. I'm just glad this time it actually is working in my favor for a change. LOL oh well, I have a bad headache. I am going to go to bed good night to me

when to the T switching lots there and lots since. Head feels really wet spoungy is the best way i can describe it. but good news, i told mom that i remembered for sure that brian's wife works for a dollar general store and what town. Its really weird how much details i can remember about things but when it comes to my life and facts its so hard any way she got in touch with his wife and he told her that he paid me most of the money and she told the mom that she has had problems with him not being truthful with her in the past and she apologized and is going to make plans with mom to bring it back so who knows i still have a chance to sell it and get money wish is great. it was so hard it T today, I know something bad happened to part of me, i know and its so hard to know, the psyco dad was theatening me to stay quiet he had a lighter and he actually burned my face with it and said if i didnt stay quiet he would burn us up and no one would ever find us; I am trying to stay disconnected I dont know who inside actually was there but as i type my  face is hurting  and it really feels like a burn. I always though it was a birth mark, thats what the parents said it was I havent asked the T if she ever called the trauma place i am too scared too, I just dont feel strong and i feel me and a few others here are in the minority in that we want to live, that is so scary and i don't know whats driving the others to have the position they do that life isnt for us, its scary and its draining and hard to keep going, to keep the good face the "normal" face the face that everyone wants to see, the face that i feel more and more is nothing but a lie, that I myself are a lie someone put here to hide the darkness that is within, what I truly am.
I ate pizza today and I am doing better than i thought and my stomach feels ok not queezy or anything although my stomach is  hurting a lot and i won't go into that any further which i am sure ppl would appreciate LOL

Have to take Olsen for a check up tomorrow. nothing is wrong just routien. I saw the funniest movie, fun with dick and Jane its halirious LOL any way going to get ready for bed
Barb and US

want to put this poem here for ppl to see if they want so you will know how crazy we really are:

 hear us good angel

 

no where to go

no one to see

no one is free

no one is good

no one is understood

no one to care

no one to fly

up to the sky

we can't go

take us please

so we will be free

we dont know who we are

doesn't matter how far

we are not meant for this earth

please show us the way back

up past the clouds

up past the sun

where everything is undone

that is our place where we belong

take us please take us

then we will be free to fly

like it was meant to be

 

please our angel set us free

 

Jorget12 writing for the light girls

we don't feel like we belong here, we don't fit in anywhere. have you ever thought that maybe somewhere a made? It is so hard to feel like you don't belong anywhere to anyone in any place and thats How I feel never have I really had a strong connection to a mother or father, I always wonder what that must be like. To be able to come home from school and not dread it and wonder what the night will bring. If I will be left in peace, if i will find food to eat when everyone is asleep.  what chaos will happen, because there always is some. what will I do wrong this time? will i get a chill and my body shake and she will say your doing that for attention, and i will think and say silently "no i just got cold for a second thats all" maybe you said i wanted attention because you know you didnt give me any? maybe because i was totally alone. no one to ask me how my day was or if i had home work or even if i needed anything. If i was was worried about an exam there was no one to tell, you just knew that you were expected to do well in school because that is the Only good attention you ever got and it was only for a moment a few times a year. never have I ever felt i was good enough for anyone to love because I was never good enough for the ppl i was born to.  I wish i could disappear. the only thing that saves me is Olsen, he gives me so much love so if he does then i must be loveable.  but he wont be here for long never long enough no matter how long it will be
why am i here? please tell me just in a funk i guess its hard not to feel connected to another person though, I love my olsen and i shouldnt complain cause maybe lots of ppl dont feel connected to anyone but they don't even have a doggie so i will stop complaining
hope we can sleep, have strong doubts though
someone and many thoughts from many

 

good morning to me's

well i slept pretty good, beth is on her way over i went to hess and got me a large ice coffee   write more later

Me again who??

wow didnt realize how late it is till i looked at the time. Church was ok had a better time than i thought, the seekers which is my usual class was off so went to another one. they were there pretty fast to pick me up which was great, i ended up sleeping the majority of the day away and really still very sleepy. was suppose to go out with beth to Bay Walk tomorrow or today i mean but just didnt feel like going, for those who don't know Bay walk is down town has a huge movie theater and shops and all the rest. Beth is coming here instead told her i was too tired, i know this sounds bad but i wish she wasnt coming, not because i dont want to see her but i would so much rather stay in bed. any way, still feeling funky, so glad Ruthie is home, hope she will continue to improve and not get discouraged. gonna go to sleep hope everyone is doing ok

why am i sad??

Hi again i found this program called Izoom i am using the trail version i am hoping it will just let me reinstall it when the trail runs out i really like it, it has speech too and the trail is fully functional, missed lots of time again today my head hurts too i know i didnt eat good but after yesterday i freaked. I am really tired in one of my moods where ifeel like hibrinating. i wish i was looking forward to church. I miss the days when i was so excited to be there. oh well. I really like my new glasses a lot. the mom had the wrong Brain to send the registered letter to. I can not believe he could be so mean i dont understand. i wish i would feel better I miss Barb NLN so much Viney. I am not going to reach out again though. I said what i did because i cared for her and i didnt deserve her anger, but I miss her so much but i dont want to apologize for caring about her and if i have to watch everything i say what kind of friendship is that? i could say i didnt mean what i said, but that wouldnt be true. I am worried about her weight being so low and her taking diet pills and if i go back into the friendship, it would only be a matter of time till she gets mad at something else, its happened twice. I miss her so much though and Seacret and Lil gurl are so sad and they dont understand why this happened even though we tried to explain. I love you Barb NLN where ever you are, tears falling 

I hope you will reach out to me i pray for that, but I need to be real with my friends I have worked to hard its part of moving forward. I pray you will be safe and happy 
Have been feeling so disconnected from everyone I wish i didn't feel the need to test ppl. dont know if thats a healthy thing to do? but everyone wants to know that their thought of and cared about. I can't keep all friendships going, it has to be give and take and i just dont have much to give anymore. I can not believe i havent heard from Marilyn and Carol. It hurts so much. Mary Gettmann is not coming back to the church I am so sad about that. she is one person that never calls, but i know she cares, just like i know in my heart that Marily and Carol care, but is it wrong to want to be thought of? is it wrong to wish they would call me? to hope for that so much? Is it not a reasonable expectation for me to have?  I am feeling so sad
good night

tired sad and confused

Hi its me again, had a long day. Stacy took me to get Olsen's bath, I dropped him off and we went to borders to me JoAnn (My support coordinatior) she is so nice i wish she could be my companion. then went to Target, bought an outfit. then got Olsen and went to see the movie wicker man, totally weird and mel gibson dies at the end totally strange move but kept you thinking. them home and i had Micky d's shocked but good. as for the rest of the night and what the heck i been doing? everything is a blurr feeling very sad but dont know why good night

My sad thursday

Really don't know where to start did not sleep really good. So was tired when I woke up took Olsen out went back to sleep for a while. Woke up about 10 I took Olsen outside to brush him it was so humid even though the sun was not out sweat was just dripping off me Larissa came and I went to the school Billy who was in the fight on Monday got arrested today. I don't know what for they took him away in handcuffs. I'm glad I didn't see it. He's only in sixth grade his home life is awful. It's amazing he even comes to school it makes me so sad. Some of these kids will never have a chance and it is not their fault. All they see as violence it is the only thing they know. Times like this are when I feel so helpless about our world. I am just filled with sadness right now for Billy and for all the kids and for the kid I was and still are. The ones that are crying so loud inside that I feel I will burst into tears any moment I am dictating with voice right now.

I was supposed to go out with Stacey

Sorry this is such a downer of a post I think I'll stop now because I'm not feeling any better

, but I wasn't feeling good at all. Really I'm still not, I have a headache and my stomach feels queasy and I am not firmly planted. I am Thinking I didn't have enough water today. I forgot to bring my water bottle with me when I went to school I am having that stupid heat stuff again. I thought it was over, why can't anything ever be over? I told the psycho dad about Brian. He is always telling me to let him call this person or that person that he wants to help. So what do you think happened when I told him? He said, it's only money let it go. Now, does anybody understand why I have all these problems? I debated for weeks whether to tell him I didn't want to unleash him on anybody. Because I thought he would be so angry and what does he do? tell me to forget it. It took me for ever to pay off the computer. it is Not like I have a lot of money. I just don't understand when I think I have him figured out. When I think maybe I can predict what he will do. He said something like this. My brother wants a computer and he was saying to the mom that they should buy one for him. I just don't understand. Not that I want him to pay for my computer. Not at all, because I don't want to owe him anything but why would he offer to buy my brother a computer? He's made a mess of his life is living with them for at least the fourth time they're doing everything for him and he wants to buy him a computer and I paid all my bills and he tells me it's only money let it go? I don't understand

a good day my first day back at the middle school

I had a good day today.  In fact, I had the best day, I have had in over a week.  I woke up at nine fed Olsen and took him out took my morning meds and went back to sleep.  I woke up at 11 and I felt so good.  I went to the middle school gosh.  Its so much better in there lots of the kids were eighth graders So they went to high school, what a change before you could feel tension as soon as you went into the room totally different.  Thank goodness and now that I'm going later in the day.  I have more to do last year When I got there it was almost the kids free time, then it was lunch then Miya had her gym class, then it was almost time for me to leave.  So I would do a lot of sitting well I guess I should clarify that.  I always doing a lot of sitting LOL.  I mean, I was parked with nothing to do.  Miya was great there's a little boy in there named Julian he has Down's syndrome.  He needs somebody to work with him one-on-one so he will stay on task.  He so cute.  At first he was really scared of Olsen but by the time I left he was petting him and dropping stuff for him to pick up I decided to go there on Mondays to instead of going to the church.  I never thought I'd say this about that school and the kids but it will be a lot less stressful there then with the kids at the church I came home and Stacey picked me up we went in Clearwater mall.  I got Olsen nails done went to Borders for awhile.  I bought Brianna a Journal I don't know if she'll use it but I'm going to tell her  it's for her to write whatever she wants in it and it's private.  Just for her eyes.  I want know that it's OK to have private thoughts and write them down.  I think it is important, especially in this family, it is something I want her to know early. the two books that she wanted came today in the mail she is going to be so excited they are going to be at the moms on Wednesday.  I told her not to tell Brianna that I am coming this way she will be surprised I have been wanting to see Star the moms Greyhound.  I loved him.  I call him my little fawn because he looks like a baby deer to me.  He is so gentle.

 

I needed this day, it was such a good one over and out

 

Barb of BJ's crowd

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

I should be in bed already oh well

well today went out with our paid companion Stacy, it was ok I bought three movies. the chronicles of Narnra, for the love of winn dixie and prozac nation. they have them cheap at this place at largo mall called movie stop i love that place. so then we went to see a movie called accepted it was about a boy that didnt get accepted to college so he made his own, totally unrealistic of course but it was pretty funny, almost fell asleep a few times but not because of the movie just from lack of sleep. dont remember what i did most of the rest of the day after getting back home cept i know i tooked to a friend on the phone. I hate not remembering. tomorrow is my first day back with the Kids at the middle school. I think it will be better for me because the teacher wants me to come between 2 and 4 cause thats when she needs the most help. I am glad because when i would get there last year it was close to their free time, then it was lunch (total madhouse) then it was Miya's gym  class so i did lots of sitting not doing that much 

wish me luck and for those that pray, pray that i sleep thanks
us and others mixed in

my eyes and other stuff

I hope I will be able to sleep tonight I went to get my eyes checked today even though my right eye was really bad very blurry they couldn't make it any better. Going up on the prescription didn't help my left eye was really good. I didn't need a change on that lens I am thinking. I must just automatically look with my left eye, since it is stronger? Maybe lack of use made the right eye so bad? It kind of scares me. Just because I knew two years ago, that I can see clear with my glasses. Even with my right eye. Oh well, I found some frames, I really liked Medicaid will pay for the thin lenses the doctor just has to write medically necessary and it will cost an extra 99 dollars to get the transition lenses that will be my birthday gift from the parents I am really tired it's been three nights of very little sleep I don't know what the problem is I haven't had the bad heat sensation in quite a while, but today was really bad. When I woke up from a nap I ate good today. It seems when I do it just goes right through me. I am actually hungry and I ate a lot more than usual. I don't get this. I pray they don't screw up on my ride again better go to bed I am always tired I am going to go take extra meds to start with. Instead of getting up two hours from now and doing it. Like I have for the past three nights.

Goodnight to me myself and I

It's about time I write it's been forever. I wish I felt better. I hope everything goes better for me tomorrow I'm going to try to go to a different class. I really don't want to. I used to love it there it used to be fun. I used to laugh and learn at the same time I'm afraid to speak now tension triggers so many other things inside. It feels like a burden I even feel fear I know there's nothing to be afraid of, and that's coming from another place. But I still feel it. The fact that I told Brad I was feeling so bad that I was drowning and he hasn't even talked to me about it just plain hurts he totally ignored it therefore ignored me did he think this was easy for me to say? I wish It could be like before, where there could be laughter and smiles. Not tension and for me not fear I don't have energy to hide from some of the only people that I didn't have to hide from from, the people I felt truly did care. But now they are the people that want to stay in their head where it is safe where there doesn't have to be feelings where there doesn't have to be caring. I feel so lost to them and to myself when I am with them whats going to happen to me. How much more will I sink only to be quiet to myself alone, as it was. And I think needs to be, I wish I could disappear. It would be easier, less painful. Maybe some people are meant to be by themselves meant to stay quiet meant to suffer in silence. Maybe we are those people, maybe this proves that and we should have stayed that way all along silence is safer less painful to take the chance and speak and not be heard is like torture to us. We will keep the wall up now never to speak our pain again like it was and should have stayed.

Forever silent forever distant forever closed the wall will stay. It is strong again, reinforced better than before, we are forever changed but never to be changed again. Please give us strength to remember in the beginning. Why the wall was there and why it must be again

catching myself up on me self

Okay I know it's stupid.  But why can't she just leave me alone?  Yesterday, she was in front of my window, and I just went out to take Olsen, and there she was in front of my door.  I know she's annoying purposely, I don't bother her, I make no secret that I don't like use or her but I leave for alone 

The beginning of that post was a couple of days ago. The next day when I saw her. I asked her why she continues to park in front of my door and window when I asked her not to the first thing she said was a didn't know I was. I said you didn't know you were sitting in front my door at 1130 last night when I came out to walk Olsen? Then she said that it was a common area. I said to find my door and window are not your common area. And if I have to I will talk to the board. Well actually that was the last thing I said Durst, she said it was only one time. I said what about when you were part on my window? Why can't you just do what I asked why do you have to make a big deal out of it? That's when she said it was a common area. I said no it isn't. And you know the rest she said she would try her best, I said you better off some when she said fuck you as I was driving way. I told her to say her bad words to someone cares LOL.

Now for what else has been going on. If I could remember on Thursday, I was watching TV like usual and all the sudden everything in the entertainment center when off including the TV. It happened once before, and all I have to do is jiggle the WIRE, but this time it wouldn't work. I was hoping Larissa would fix it. She moved the wire, and I didn't come on, but instead of just leaving it that she proceeds to tell me that it's not possible for wire to come loose that it was against physics. I said to her, are you saying that I am lying? She said its just not possible. So I guess she was anyways, I think it was Friday that the mom and dad were coming back from their other house. They stopped by, well it turns out the elements in the plug was burned so I am lucky that there wasn't a fire. The dad went to get a new plug and fixed it which reminds me. I forgot to call the maintenance people I want them to check all the plugs.

I tried to e-mail the trauma unit in Texas. I am considering going there. I wanted to asked them if I could bring Olsen with me. Anyway the e-mail that I sent came back saying fatal error I clicked on the link right on the site where to the address right in the e-mail. I don't know what happened, and too nervous to: the phone. I wasn't even for sure if it's something that I wanted to do, but it would help me make a decision tremendously if I did know that Olsen could come with me so I don't know.

Off some about all I did write awesome letter to my cousin that I will probably put on here somewhere, because I am proud of myself I think I did good.

SAD sad sad

feeling so sad wish i could cry so many and much of me's are hurting. No one knows, and we are sad too cause our friend carol hasn't called us the whole summer and only email once. just so disconnected and feeling so uncared about, but knowing that she does care. Its just hard cause its like because she is not here, i dont exist but again thats just my feeling and not reality but it hurts so much her not calling cause I did leave a message once that i was thinking about her. Just feeling so sad about the whole sunday school situation, which i am pretty sure i wrote another entry about but not sure, too tired to go over it tho so will check my entries sometime and see if i have explained it.

worried about my Brother Joe, have just been having a horrible feeling that he is going to have a car accident. for those that may not know, sometimes I see things or have feelings about things that eventually have come to happen. I have been pushing it down, trying not to think about it, because I have never felt or seen something about someone i care about. The mom also has this ability and i finally told her about it, and started crying. She told me that on March first, he was pulled over by a cop at 1 am, his tag and lic was expired, because his b day is feb 13. well the cop said he smelled alcohol on his breath. well he said to the cop, i dont know how to bring this up but my cousin is Jerry Stramiello, (he is a cop) so he said your Stams cousin? he said yeah, so the cop didnt charge him with DWI just for the expired tag and Lic. and made him take a cab home. 

the mom didnt tell me this before, so any way i am hoping and praying this is why i been having this horrible feeling, and that nothing worse is in his future, he is not the brother that i know anymore and i am so sad, cause i loved him and he is the only one in my immediate family that i have love for any he loved me. I do love the mom, but  its not the same cause I dont really love her cause she is my mom, just cause i know she suffered in her life possibly more so than me, but that i will never know, because i dont think she can reach that info for her self.

the brother i knew is gone, and i feel a part of me is gone with him

well i survived

well its over thank goodness, was nice seeing Sr. Mary and her friend Shirley. course the psycho dad had to sit next to me and it was a small table so I was so uncomfortable, but i held it together no thanks to anyone else in here. He put his arm across the back of my chair which I hate, so I told him he was invading my space. I asked Sr. Mary to pray for my brother Joe because he is in bad shape. The psycho dad says "my Joe? in bad shape?" I said yes he is, and he was like saying he was fine just having a hard time so then that subject was ended. I hate him, the world can be crashing down and he doesnt want know one to know so he just ends the conversation. any way gotta get up early tomorrow, or someone does cause its NOT gonna be me so if no one chooses to be here in the morning i am staying it bed at home just telling you all so you know thats for inside of course
Barbara

Barbara the throw out

its me Barbara now I realize my purpose in here. when no one wants to deal with people around here they somehow throw me out to do it for them.  they know we're going with parents tomorrow, some now they just throw me out to deal with all the hard stuff, dealing with this is the parents so that's my purpose that's what I'm here for now? You all stink I hate every  single one of you. I don't have the energy to do this I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna go tomorrow if it was just the Sr. mary I would love to. you all say that I am weak, if I am so weak why let me deal with them? I am depressed,tired sad and someone puts me here  the night before we go I hate all of you. going to sleep now

do you really want to know the truth, or want me to say what i know makes you happy?

ok have to vent aggggrrrhhh ok Larissa calls me all happy, she went to the glamor shots place, has a free makeup thing to get her picture taken, which i know is a way to get you in there to buy prints so that was last week, well she called just now all excited that the manager of the place wanted to blow up one of her pictures to use in the store for advertising, so i was like are they going to pay you? she says no, they are just going to keep it in the store for a month. they told them it cost them 1000 dollars to make the picture (yeah sure) and if she wants to take it home after that she has to pay 80 percent of their cost to make the picture which is 200 dollars. so I was like Larissa thats a lot of money and all they have to do its put it on the computer and blow it up, they have their own studio, So she said "you are making me upset" I said why? cause i was excited and you are just like my mother (LOL) every time i happy she says something, i said Larissa i just dont want ppl to take advantage of you and thats a lot of money. so she said its ART and painting (BS) 

But its fine when she telling me i have gained a lot of weight? i am sick of ppl they ask what you think and you tell them, and if they dont like what you say they want to hang up? maybe her and my grandmother and her should get a room together?  I wasn't trying to hurt her, but these ppl know when someones and easy mark. 

i am so friggin aggrivated. gee can't wait to be with the parents tomorrow give me strength, i am feeling an inpending explosion

Another tired Sunday

here I am again I went to church Sunday school was boring. I'd talk to one of the new people that was in our class that I really like I don't think she's gonna come back we were discussing the divinci code the leader of our group is so  closed minded she said she was gonna look for another Sunday school class I'm gonna try to convince her to come back because we need another open minded person in their sides me LOL Jim doesn't realize that his attitude is a real turn off sometimes. when a person thinks he has all the answers he is in trouble at least that's my feeling. he has a little boy what's going to happen when a little boys grows up and starts to get a mind of his own when his mind will not fit in Jim's little neat box. where there's only right and wrong no maybe? Part of the reason our classes to dwindling is because of his close mindedness.

enough of that. I am not feeling really good it again. just real tired I really don't know how I am gonna make it through the whole week to come. Then on Tuesday being with parents all day I am really worried about that. I wish I knew how to make myself feel better. I haven't got much e-mail today that always makes me feel disconnected I am going to lay down maybe I will write more later 
who knows who