FEELING TO MUCH AND NOT ENOUGH

gosh i am not feeling well, I am feeling so many things but yet i am not. I dont understand what is going on right now. I am hurting but then somewhere feeling nothing at the same time, so confused. Feeling like i want to hurt myself, i know I won't just havent felt like doing that so strong in a long time, even though I am feeling like that, my head is so full. at times it doesnt even feel like its connected to my body and my hands dont feel connected either just trying to look at the words coming on the screen. I feel so sad about amy, but dont even understand why, i feel so sad that I didnt mean enough to her i guess, i didnt mean enough for her to pick of the phone or to put herself aside for one second to really listen to me. I am angry that i gave and gave and gave, even paying for her dart rides when she couldnt aford it, which was most of the time. paying for stuff when we went out most of the time, and never was it retured, and frankly, i feel it kinda almost got to be expected or not that, more so taken for granted that if she didnt have i would do it. I dont know, i struggle with this so much this DID I hate it, but its how i am, but yet others aren't but pretend to be? when i told her she should be blessed that she doesnt loose time and is co consious that she was further along at least in that area. what does she do? she gives reasons why she is not futher along. I always feel happy when ppl tell me i am improving, it brings me joy, because there is so many times i feel so bad and want to give up so much. But amy? she wants to be DID and not ddnos? she wants to be a dxed as a "true multiple" with 150 insiders? and feels its stupid that she would be dxed as ddnos?  i am so incredibly confused. WHY????  I don't want to live this way, i dont want to be this way, and I dont want things to haunt me, I dont want to accept that the psycho dad is that psycho that he almost ended Seacets life MY life, that he burned someone that he burned me my face. I was told it was a birth mark by him, so now i see it on my face and i see it happen over and over i hear my cries and now i am crying my tears on the outside how do i live with this. how do I look at the birth ppl and know this? Did you come close to being killed amy????? did you get burned on your face by you dad amy? did you get sufficated amy, did your dad have sex with you amy and you couldnt cry cause if you did even more pain would come? what is your trauma amy??? tell me what is it? do you want it to be worse than this amy? is this not even bad enough for you?

I am hating you so much at this moment amy  

How do I live with this knowledge? I wish i wasnt here right now. wish someone was here to hug me and say it will be ok i feel like my heart is going to explode  I dont want to be a "true multiple" amy, but I would rather be that, than be as sick as you amy
help me some how to get through this please