waiting for a meeting to start here at church at 2:00 p.m. times like these the computer comes in handy. Well I got my hours back for my personal care actually I really don't think we lost them they just weren't billed correctly because of some kind of new billing system. I don't know how to feel about the whole Dan thing? At church today, they talked about loving your enemy and all that. The thing is? how many times do you put yourself out? so I asked this and the usual answer came 70x7. well I refuse to believe that we are suppose to do that and keep getting hurt all the time. It can't be, when is it ok to say enough? well I have had enough from him, he said when has he ever let me down LOL He has never made himself accessible for me to where I felt I could even ask him anything, I mean when you never answer the phone, or never call back? well it gives you the idea just don't ask. I am home now by the way. been for a long time. cleaned off my table real good since I had my computer off of it. there is lots of tension about so many things

going to go lay down and try to get some rest
Barb mostly

what a day, my support coordinator for my services was supposed to come over today.  Stacy was over to get me dress.  Joanne called to say she wasn't going to come today. it turns out my hours were cut. my personal care hours were cut by 8 per week, I had 18 totally but that includes laundry cleaning and shopping.(they eliminated cleaning service totally, so the personal-care hour increase was to make up for that in a roundabout way) Joanne doesn't know why and wanted to look into it further so she'll have more answers when she sees me. The parents brought the van back, Stacy and I were supposed to go out tonight. she didn't call I called twice before she called back. I wasn't in the mood to go out anyway but that's really not the point, she answered one of my calls saying she would call back in five minutes. she called back two hours later LOL it is really frustrating. One thing I have learned she sure does beat to her own drum, she's quit quite a few jobs beside what she does for me. one time she had to read a newspaper, yes ladies and gentlemen a whole newspaper to someone at a nursing home. She was getting paid $15 an hour for this that was all he asked her to do.  You would've thought that it took her to the depths of hell LOL she quit that job because she refused to go back there or got fired most likely

don't get me wrong I really like her it's just that I wish she would realize how it makes me feel when I am forgotten it's not really that, she eventually remembers it just brings up a lot of stuff and reminds me when I was around the parents.

Oh well that's all for now

just thinking

I have been thinking a lot about truth lately.  How some people fear it, how some people run from it and how some people spend almost their whole life hiding from the real truth.  I have been learning a lot about this subject.  I think I am even becoming more secure in some  ways because of the truth

I have been working hard to try to make my life better overall, that being said yes I still avoid many things. it amazes me how people can lie so easily about someone else.  I really don't understand this, I know they have a conscience.  Sometimes I think it's because people are so desperate not to be alone with themselves. I think that they dislike themselves so much The person that they are, that they will say anything to have someone, anyone.

I know this in part because there was a time in my life that I didn't like to be alone with myself. so I would do and do for others and make myself available anytime the phone would ring. yes there was a part of me that truly did want to help people, but I realized when I could be honest that wanting not to be alone came first as my motivation

One thing I never did though was lie about others. there were times I lied about myself because I felt that it was the only way for me to keep  safe but I would not lie about other people just to be a friend of someone else.  Something so outlandish was said about me recently, I am not even going to write it here because it's just not worth the space.

I just hold on to what I know is true, like I said it's almost like security or helping me feel secure because the truth never changes. No matter what anybody says about me, I know the truth, what I may have said and my motives for saying whatever. I want to spend my life around people that like themselves enough that they won't say they are something  that they aren't just to be around me. If they feel something that I think or something that I say is idiotic I want friends that won't be afraid to say that in fear that I might abandon or talk about them to anyone who would listen.

I think about the mother and the fact that she is 64 years old and is still hiding. I think about the psycho dad and how his rage is just under the surface waiting for any opportunity to escape. This is because he is running from his truth. running from his past and what happened to him. Saying that his life was wonderful even though he somehow fell out of a three-story window when he was two years old. (that I have been told took lots of strength to open)  Even though his father was a raging alcoholic by everyone's account in his family except for a very few

Truth can be very scary and it's very scary a lot of times. It doesn't change though no matter what anyone says it's always the same. I will hold onto mine till maybe someday it will hurt anymore. I still have the fear though that if it is spoken it will destroy. So this is the big irony and contradiction of this rant.

We will see what tomorrow brings
from someone here

we try to help

we was trying to help we not know that would make them mad we not want make no one mad at no one we not feeling good now we feel so like no fighting no more we feel like body deserves hurt and we not should fight them so hard we not care it hard to fight someone even tho she not be big she be real strong very strong and it be taking lots of people to keep her back then we got thoughts that they all be right and we really are bad very bad and we think it maybe help us feel better if we let her do that then we no have to fight for a little bit we trying but not know how long we can keep trying feel very sad very very sad and feel there be no help for us really 

poem Hold On Tight for TFT

Hold On Tight

 

to our friends we are here

we will never disappear

we will hold on tight

even when you feel fright

and feel you have no right

we will hold on tight

till you don't feel frighten

till your days feel bright

we will hold on tight

even if you feel you can't go on

we will hold on tight

till you feel you can again

this is not the end

it will be bright again

just hold on tight

till that is in your sight

your not alone we are here too

we care about you

we are holding your hand

we understand

we are holding on tight

never let go

 

Hold On Tight

 

To All Of TFT

from

Bj's crowd

 

July 7th 2008

 

Speak your truth without fear. It is your history, your life  and your reality.  You survived and  are  free
Bj's  Crowd

happy Fourth of July?

still don't feel the greatest today thank the Lord that headache is gone.  But I don't know how to explain it, how I am feeling now other than to say my brain still feels half-asleep.  I seriously was thinking about calling 911 at one point.  I was sitting there all by myself crying because I hurt so bad. I am definitely going to ask the doctor for something to take.

Stacy came so I could take a shower today.  she has been saying she will mop the floors for two days she could have got it finished while I was taking a shower.  When I asked her if she did them, she said no but she's off tomorrow and Sunday.  I am going to call her tomorrow and ask her if she would come over and do them. even though I'm planning hopefully to go to church once again on Sunday, maybe I'll make it there this time. I was just going to ask her to do it on Sunday but she also conveniently didn't take the basket full of clothes with her either. Which means I probably wouldn't get them back until at least Wednesday knowing her.

I wish so much that I could sleep for about three days I shouldn't complain because my friend hasn't got much sleep in weeks.  My brain feels like it is in slow motion.  Larissa came to see me today I haven't seen her in a very long time it was nice to see her she brought me a salad

Well I guess this is a pretty boring update but I guess that's to be expected when you have a pretty boring day. I'll take boring anytime it is better than a migraine from hell, on that lovely note I will say goodnight to me myself and I

poem

Please Just Stop

 

Please stop being so mean

we are so tired of the bad dreams

Please let us know that you hear

please stop saying you don't care

Please know we don't want you to go

Please just be nice to us

please stop making us so scared

please stop so maybe we won't feel bad

please stop causing us this pain

please before we go insane

please stop yelling and hurting

before we have to stop in stead

 

Please Just Stop

 

July 2, 08

Bjs Crowd

 

 

we be lonely and sad n fraid

we bees fraid n lonlee wees not no wat tu do bowt tat wee tird peepls fitin n we frad tay goin tu hert sum1 coz tay beed madd how kan peepls no fite? how kan tey beed happee? hart beed so so sadd

a weird Tuesday

not feeling so good today, lots of thoughts running through my mind I am feeling a deep sadness. I had another strange dream.  I dreamt of a friend of mine that died.  This is the first time I've had a dream about him and it's really strange to me.  In the dream he wasn't doing well just like it was before he died, he needed to be at a different place where he could be taken care of, but he was upset because he was there. There was another part of the dream where I was in an elevator with people that I didn't know, Olsen was there to I can't remember much about that part except that we were supposed to do something and we kept getting lost and missing our floor, all the people were teenagers myself included, the person that was me could walk around and had no physical problems, it was almost like we were at a big college, because we went in to some of the rooms and their were other young ppl there with books and computers everywhere

I found out that my personal-care hours were cut, by I think 8 a week. I don't understand why.  I am thinking maybe my support  coordinator didn't know because she always calls me if there is going to be any kind of change. I called her and left a message on her phone and haven't heard from her yet.  It is kind of scary to have my services cut, even though I don't use all the hours most times it is a comfort for me that I have the time and I need it it helps me feel more secure

The van is broken, I haven't heard what's wrong with it yet, in a way sometimes I wish I didn't have it because I know I wouldn't be able to spend time with the parents as much which would be good overall but I also wouldn't be able to go to Orlando for canine companions  stuff and just extra things

Stacy bought the remote back for me thank goodness I was so happy to get that thing out of my house! Trying to program the thing was the most aggravating thing that I have done in a long time I am fighting to stay in front cause things are well I just dont have a good feeling but I am getting tired, kinda scared
I guess that's all I have to say for now

another Sunday

it's been a real frustrating long day for the most part.  I woke up about 3:00 a.m. wondering if I had made my ride for church today.  I wasn't sure and Stacy was coming at 6:30. I called before she got here and sure enough I haven't made my ride.  I didn't tell her though, because I felt terrible that she came all the way over to get me dressed, her  back with killing her she didn't know how she had hurt it. I got dressed even though I wasn't going anywhere

 I was going to make my ride but I made a huge mistake and got all stressed out.  I was  facebook, they have this feature where you can import your contacts from other e-mail programs and there were some addresses that wanted to get from my AOL address book.  So I use the import feature, where you could send invites.  I checked the addresses that are wanted to copy thinking that it would confirm with me for it sent anything because they wouldn't let me copy it from the list itself.  I was thinking that it would put it on a form and then I could copy it from there.  Not only did it not do that but in addition it immediately sent facebook invitations to not only the ones I had checked off but also to every single person in my address book! some of these peopleI do not talk to anymore or don't view it as  safe.  lots of them I just don't have that type her relationship with

So when this happens I guess that making my ride went out the window

I had a terrible nightmare, I  was in this house with people I didn't know.  All the people were dark complected and all I knew was that I was in a room and in the next room there was a woman and she was very mad at a young girl.  She was hitting her over and over again.  I was wondering what I was doing there and feeling so afraid for that girl in the next room.  There  was another girl I think she was in the same room as me, she kept laughing at the girl that was getting hit and I just felt so sad and wondered why she was laughing and why was I there with a bunch of people that I didn't know

I am wondering if they were people in the system, because I know all the people were black and I know very well that there are different accents that come out of my mouth, I don't no what the ladies looked like but I don't think it's them. I do think they are in that same area we are, I don't understand why can't see them though, I think they are in the same place because at times they come out so easily and quickly I have even been asked by a few people if I was biracial but I'm not sure, they could very well be from the middle things are a lot harder to figure out nowadays

I am concerned to because when I woke up Wednesday morning my remote for the TV was in a place that I couldn't have put it without getting out of my bed.  Usually when I lose time I am heading to bed but I just don't get there.  It bothers me a lot because I have no sense of anything nothing, seems like things are happening quite often and I don't even have a sense of when, why or how.

to top the day off I decided to try to program the fancy "learning" remote remote that I bought.  To make this story short, I spent $100 for it, it took me about two hours to program it to turn on my TV and my cable box in the living room.  There is no way that I can possibly remember what buttons to push to do what and I would still have to program the TV in my bedroom I am taking in back I could use the money in a lot better and less frustrating way, if you have read this far congratulation as I know this was long
written by Barb  of this crowd

Sunday's thoughts

 today is Sunday Stacy took a shift today at the nursing home so I couldn't go to church.  I am feeling very detached from everyone and even somewhat from my surroundings.  I slept most of the day yesterday, it rained a lot.  I was thinking a lot about  my chair breaking last weekend, it occurred to me that the second time I called my parents house and the mom  yelled, she didn't even know I had gotten help she didn't even know if Stacy had come or what the situation was and she answered the phone like that?

I sit here alone all the time, I have always been alone the aloneness that I feel is so deep I have never felt wanted, I have never felt good enough I have always felt expendable and I feel the same way with this group of people that I am forced to share my life with. share my body with
how is it now? Now I don't know when I will be here, how much time it will loose it's a continuous battle a fight not to let someone take control that wants to do harm to the body

it is hard not to listen to the ones that don't want to be here the ones that want to melt away so slowly so that it won't be noticed.  I know this stuff with the chair and the helplessness that was  felt by some has set a  self-destructive pattern to motion, it is hard to keep fighting when there are so many more people on their side

Does everyone have to fight like this just to live?  I really feel like we have no one. no where that we belong, no one that needs us or even misses us. we haven't been to the church in so long not one person has called to see how we are and most have not answered our e-mails telling them about whats been up with us, like with the chair, one person wrote back and we were grateful, but the ppl we thought cared about us not one word

maybe there are some people no matter what they do or what they try just don't belong ever?  We are not feeling sorry for ourselves just thinking out loud.  We hate the dad and we don't think much of the mom either How can they hurt us?

What is love?  Love is not abuse, yes everyone loses their temper from time to time with their children maybe they spanked them, this we can understand spanking is not beating, it is not burning them it is not all the other sexual things that were inflicted, it is not suffocating someone, it is not terrorizing someone

There can be no love with this, it cannot live in the same place and if someone professes this they are disillusioned, were delusional and/or lying we are a group of misfits if we cannot get along with each other we have no chance of getting along in the world either. we do not like this world, there is no motivation for us to succeed here

No love, no belonging, no freedom, no security, no predictability, no safety, no wanting, no hoping and caring

Olsen is not enough for us to survive what does one do?

Finally here I am once again

 It's been a long time since I've written anything but there's so much inside I'm going to try.  I have been feeling really sad really hopeless and tired of the person that I am or I guess I should say people that I am. I don't know how to help myself not only that but I don't feel like I can let anybody in far enough or close enough to help us either. we feel like this is our responsibility it is our job and our burden. we feel like we deserve to be alone, this is how it has always been, we cannot let people into that place and because we can't, it will be to our end. some things are never to be shared they are to be ours alone, there never was anyone to help us we learned that we must take care of ourselves we learned that people aren't to be trusted Yes it has been many years, but we feel like all we have touched is the very tip of a huge iceberg that still is in danger of swallowing us.  you say to talk about issues?  What kind of issues?  It's hard to talk about issues when all you want to do is go away. when you don't want to fight anymore when you don't want to argue when you don't want to keep pretending and when you don't want to keep going If we talk about issues it is not going to make us normal and it is not going to make us like who we are.  It is not going to be enough to take all the little pieces and make them fit all nice neat and tidy.  to talk about issues is not going to give us resolve that we don't have it is not going to make us like the people that we are and it is not going to give us strength that we just don't have Talking about issues is not going to give us our life back,  it's not going to change what happened and we are still going to be stuck with a family of strangers- the abusers and the cowards that made us and gave us this wonderful life. we feel like a piece of glass that has been so shattered and broken but somehow unfortunately it still connected still breathing somehow Wondering when the final blow will happen, when everybody cannot hold together anymore not even by a thread some of us wish for that.  That wish is what keeps some of us going Some things are not meant to be shared with others some issues as you call them.  silence can mean salvation even though we know silence will mean our end eventually The majority of us are not hopeful it is hard to try when you're tired, the ones that are hopeful are just too young to know any better, it would be easier if you would go away, we don't deserve you either

feel like writing dont know what or why

what to say, who knows? listening to music back to basics pretty cool just feeling alone but yet so much not alone. so tired of everything, when talking with D about a certain keep thinking if she is multie why dont she have no issues from it?? cause damn we dont want none but it dont matter what one wants, its there they are there, he is there another he and probably more, then there is her the old her and the younger her what does it all add up to you may ask? lots of Shit that we deal with thats what. but yet others seem unscaved buy what they profess to have and what they have gone through? they got so much to be thankful for, a brand new baby and two other kids, but thats not good enough, they gotta start shit and hurt ppl that we care about?? fuck that, or I should say fuck them if they are a them and if they arent well f her to be persice we sure as H dont want to add to the shit we have to deal with, why do they gotta mess with ppl? why cant they be blessed for what they have and who they have and leave ppl the F alone? I just dont get it???? I would give anything not to deal with the shit I do, like I said she is a Fing Borderline and even if she is more than one that comes in last way last to the person she is I dont know why this is not letting me space down anyway I have to go to sleep now because if not I wont get there, please help us be free somehow, someone soon we cant see far ahead and we dont like what we see here