just thinking

I have been thinking a lot about truth lately.  How some people fear it, how some people run from it and how some people spend almost their whole life hiding from the real truth.  I have been learning a lot about this subject.  I think I am even becoming more secure in some  ways because of the truth

I have been working hard to try to make my life better overall, that being said yes I still avoid many things. it amazes me how people can lie so easily about someone else.  I really don't understand this, I know they have a conscience.  Sometimes I think it's because people are so desperate not to be alone with themselves. I think that they dislike themselves so much The person that they are, that they will say anything to have someone, anyone.

I know this in part because there was a time in my life that I didn't like to be alone with myself. so I would do and do for others and make myself available anytime the phone would ring. yes there was a part of me that truly did want to help people, but I realized when I could be honest that wanting not to be alone came first as my motivation

One thing I never did though was lie about others. there were times I lied about myself because I felt that it was the only way for me to keep  safe but I would not lie about other people just to be a friend of someone else.  Something so outlandish was said about me recently, I am not even going to write it here because it's just not worth the space.

I just hold on to what I know is true, like I said it's almost like security or helping me feel secure because the truth never changes. No matter what anybody says about me, I know the truth, what I may have said and my motives for saying whatever. I want to spend my life around people that like themselves enough that they won't say they are something  that they aren't just to be around me. If they feel something that I think or something that I say is idiotic I want friends that won't be afraid to say that in fear that I might abandon or talk about them to anyone who would listen.

I think about the mother and the fact that she is 64 years old and is still hiding. I think about the psycho dad and how his rage is just under the surface waiting for any opportunity to escape. This is because he is running from his truth. running from his past and what happened to him. Saying that his life was wonderful even though he somehow fell out of a three-story window when he was two years old. (that I have been told took lots of strength to open)  Even though his father was a raging alcoholic by everyone's account in his family except for a very few

Truth can be very scary and it's very scary a lot of times. It doesn't change though no matter what anyone says it's always the same. I will hold onto mine till maybe someday it will hurt anymore. I still have the fear though that if it is spoken it will destroy. So this is the big irony and contradiction of this rant.

We will see what tomorrow brings
from someone here