Its been awhile since I have written.  I was going to go to church today, but I was too tired.  So I called up and canceled.  I can't believe they couldn't do the surgery, but hopefully the DNC will help.  I will be going to see him in about two or three weeks.  The doctor, I mean, he said he might be able  Tell something from the samples about me hormonally. I am thinking if that's in fact the case.  Maybe he'll be able to control it for me with some kind of medication or something.

I couldn't hardly sleep today I got home.  I was up till 2 a.m. and I finally got up to take more Seroquel.  I slept most of the day yesterday and today so far to.  And I feel like I'm done I go back to lay down in a few minutes.  I just wanted to give an update.  I have my software working again, so I'll probably be using the journal more.

Maybe write more later

This stupid day! If you want to see the movie Georgia rule dont read this

I thought this was going  to be a really good day me and Beth went to lunch and then a movie.  I was hoping we could see the movie fractured, because I love Anthony Hopkins.  It started to late so we sought Georgia rule instead.  We thought it was going to be a comedy.  There were few funny parts, but it was most certainly a drama.  It centered around an 18-year-old girl, played by Lindsay Lohan.  She was into drugs and doing all the wrong things.  So her mom sent her to live with her grandmother for the summer hoping that it would turn things around for her.  The grandmother got her a job with a veterinarian of this small town.  This man happened to date her mother, way back when.  Anyway, the girl ends up telling him that her stepfather molested her.  He in turn tells the grandmother, who tells her daughter.  The mom goes down to the town and asked her daughter, if it was true.  In a very blunt way, the daughter says it is.  Anyway I could go on and on.  Of course, the man denies it.  The daughter goes to see the stepfather, who was now in town to tells him that she had recorded things.  But as long as he keeps her mother happy.  She wouldn't say anything.  She tells her mother that she really lied, and it didn't happen.  So the mother starts driving home with the stepfather and then realizes true after all.

Just what I needed after a few weeks ago.  I started crying so much and trying to hold it in at the same time.  Just what I needed

Now tomorrow mothers day again just what I need.  I want a vacation from my head hating me totally

we sad

filled with sadness what to do when there is no way out, to talk dont help to not dont help no better either way, makes us again realize we dont want to be here we dont like this place why are we staying? no hope just pain and sadness sustain, tired so tired if we sleep or if we don't just have weight so heavy we not want to carry no more please just show us the door let us be truly free away from here and everywhere free to fly to soar where its safe thats where we belong not here, this place is foriegh not for us we dont belong here, he was wrong, we be bad ppl we know thats true let us go please we not want to hurt no more please help us to the sky above the clouds or we willed help us by our self no one never help us anyway

more adventures with the Psyco dad and my teeth

I finally got my computer back, which means I have my DragonDictate thank the Lord. Yesterday I went to the parents house, because it was my favorite and 84th birthday. I was so tired because I barely slept for the last two days. It was good to see my aunt, she bought me five scratch off tickets. I didn't win anything. When my mom took her home. I went into the bathroom. I couldn't believe it. The dad started yelling at my nephew telling him to pick up his trucks. He has been playing with them on and off all day. He had been homesick the dad started asking him to pick up his trucks. He said, but I was still playing with them, can't I play with them? The dad says you haven't been playing with them all day. Now you want to play with them? The dad had been outside all day working on the Van. So obviously he couldn't know what Joseph was doing it pissed me off because its like he waited till I went in the bathroom. And he started getting louder and louder telling Joseph to pick up the truck. He is five years old, and here is the 65-year-old man yelling at the top of his lungs of course Joe started crying hysterically. He said bring the trucks in there and now you stay in there. Instead of leaving him alone at that point he kept yelling at him. At this point, I yelled from the bathroom that he had punished him let it go. He went on and on that he needs to understand what he did. I said he's five where of course the dad said that doesn't matter. Of course it doesn't matter why would it? Stupid idiot! And he just waited till I went in the bathroom. He wouldn't do it if I wasn't in there. It was like oh now I got him to myself, what can I do. He was so peaceful, before I went in the bathroom. We were watching TV Brianna and Joe were playing and being silly. He comes in from outside and has to shake the World up

I told the mom when she got home, what happened. She said he started since the first thing that morning

I wish he would just go away

When I went to the dentist on Tuesday, they said I needed a crown, which is in a cost 700 dollars. I called the mom and told her, she said that maybe Dan would do it. I told her I really didn't want that, she said she knows and that we would talk about it later. I know that's not to happen, unless I bring it up again. Beth says she really doesn't think it's a good idea for me to do that and that she was loan the money. She knows I couldn't pay her off until on done with the computer. I don't like owing her money, but she said Barb I've known you for 20 years, don't worry about it. So I don't know I'm thinking about it. I don't want to be in debt to Dan but it's more than that. He's never done anything to my mouth before, and I don't think I want him to. I don't know going to keep thinking

That's it for now from this craziness that is me
Barb

why did I do it?????

I am a fucking idiot! never called that cousin again to much to go into I should know not to call no one that sees the parents like all loving creatures that can do no wrong "they love you" there is that fucking word, thrown out so carelessly that word means shit to me feel like my brain has been put through a fucking meat grinder. Love????????? Love is fake, used to decieve to control to manipulate to hurt. to hide, and disguise, Love?? is said to make ppl stop saying their truth, to make them shut up, to trick, to use and abuse. Love?  they love you, but they hurt you, they love you, but they torcher you, they love you but they yell and scream, they love you but treat you like you are nothing, they love you, but will not help you when you most need, they love you but set you apart and leave you alone all by yourself, they love you but wont let you be with others, they love you but are jelous of your accomplishments, or if you have friends, they love you but they kill you bit by bit, they love you so much that all you want to do is die

I hope it goes ok tomorrow

well finally I feel better going to he middle school tomorrow, hope I sleep good and have energy, kinda worried cause been staying in bed so much, but this was my best day yet only coughed a few times, boy whatever this was kicked my ass. I called about my computer at bestbuy because on the paper work it said that the estimated arrival date was April 21st! (glad I looked at the paperwork today) so I called them and they said they have an inquirey to them cause it was shipped out but not recieved damn so going to call back wed

meds kicking in, night