a good day my first day back at the middle school

I had a good day today.  In fact, I had the best day, I have had in over a week.  I woke up at nine fed Olsen and took him out took my morning meds and went back to sleep.  I woke up at 11 and I felt so good.  I went to the middle school gosh.  Its so much better in there lots of the kids were eighth graders So they went to high school, what a change before you could feel tension as soon as you went into the room totally different.  Thank goodness and now that I'm going later in the day.  I have more to do last year When I got there it was almost the kids free time, then it was lunch then Miya had her gym class, then it was almost time for me to leave.  So I would do a lot of sitting well I guess I should clarify that.  I always doing a lot of sitting LOL.  I mean, I was parked with nothing to do.  Miya was great there's a little boy in there named Julian he has Down's syndrome.  He needs somebody to work with him one-on-one so he will stay on task.  He so cute.  At first he was really scared of Olsen but by the time I left he was petting him and dropping stuff for him to pick up I decided to go there on Mondays to instead of going to the church.  I never thought I'd say this about that school and the kids but it will be a lot less stressful there then with the kids at the church I came home and Stacey picked me up we went in Clearwater mall.  I got Olsen nails done went to Borders for awhile.  I bought Brianna a Journal I don't know if she'll use it but I'm going to tell her  it's for her to write whatever she wants in it and it's private.  Just for her eyes.  I want know that it's OK to have private thoughts and write them down.  I think it is important, especially in this family, it is something I want her to know early. the two books that she wanted came today in the mail she is going to be so excited they are going to be at the moms on Wednesday.  I told her not to tell Brianna that I am coming this way she will be surprised I have been wanting to see Star the moms Greyhound.  I loved him.  I call him my little fawn because he looks like a baby deer to me.  He is so gentle.

 

I needed this day, it was such a good one over and out

 

Barb of BJ's crowd

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

I should be in bed already oh well

well today went out with our paid companion Stacy, it was ok I bought three movies. the chronicles of Narnra, for the love of winn dixie and prozac nation. they have them cheap at this place at largo mall called movie stop i love that place. so then we went to see a movie called accepted it was about a boy that didnt get accepted to college so he made his own, totally unrealistic of course but it was pretty funny, almost fell asleep a few times but not because of the movie just from lack of sleep. dont remember what i did most of the rest of the day after getting back home cept i know i tooked to a friend on the phone. I hate not remembering. tomorrow is my first day back with the Kids at the middle school. I think it will be better for me because the teacher wants me to come between 2 and 4 cause thats when she needs the most help. I am glad because when i would get there last year it was close to their free time, then it was lunch (total madhouse) then it was Miya's gym  class so i did lots of sitting not doing that much 

wish me luck and for those that pray, pray that i sleep thanks
us and others mixed in

my eyes and other stuff

I hope I will be able to sleep tonight I went to get my eyes checked today even though my right eye was really bad very blurry they couldn't make it any better. Going up on the prescription didn't help my left eye was really good. I didn't need a change on that lens I am thinking. I must just automatically look with my left eye, since it is stronger? Maybe lack of use made the right eye so bad? It kind of scares me. Just because I knew two years ago, that I can see clear with my glasses. Even with my right eye. Oh well, I found some frames, I really liked Medicaid will pay for the thin lenses the doctor just has to write medically necessary and it will cost an extra 99 dollars to get the transition lenses that will be my birthday gift from the parents I am really tired it's been three nights of very little sleep I don't know what the problem is I haven't had the bad heat sensation in quite a while, but today was really bad. When I woke up from a nap I ate good today. It seems when I do it just goes right through me. I am actually hungry and I ate a lot more than usual. I don't get this. I pray they don't screw up on my ride again better go to bed I am always tired I am going to go take extra meds to start with. Instead of getting up two hours from now and doing it. Like I have for the past three nights.

Goodnight to me myself and I

It's about time I write it's been forever. I wish I felt better. I hope everything goes better for me tomorrow I'm going to try to go to a different class. I really don't want to. I used to love it there it used to be fun. I used to laugh and learn at the same time I'm afraid to speak now tension triggers so many other things inside. It feels like a burden I even feel fear I know there's nothing to be afraid of, and that's coming from another place. But I still feel it. The fact that I told Brad I was feeling so bad that I was drowning and he hasn't even talked to me about it just plain hurts he totally ignored it therefore ignored me did he think this was easy for me to say? I wish It could be like before, where there could be laughter and smiles. Not tension and for me not fear I don't have energy to hide from some of the only people that I didn't have to hide from from, the people I felt truly did care. But now they are the people that want to stay in their head where it is safe where there doesn't have to be feelings where there doesn't have to be caring. I feel so lost to them and to myself when I am with them whats going to happen to me. How much more will I sink only to be quiet to myself alone, as it was. And I think needs to be, I wish I could disappear. It would be easier, less painful. Maybe some people are meant to be by themselves meant to stay quiet meant to suffer in silence. Maybe we are those people, maybe this proves that and we should have stayed that way all along silence is safer less painful to take the chance and speak and not be heard is like torture to us. We will keep the wall up now never to speak our pain again like it was and should have stayed.

Forever silent forever distant forever closed the wall will stay. It is strong again, reinforced better than before, we are forever changed but never to be changed again. Please give us strength to remember in the beginning. Why the wall was there and why it must be again

catching myself up on me self

Okay I know it's stupid.  But why can't she just leave me alone?  Yesterday, she was in front of my window, and I just went out to take Olsen, and there she was in front of my door.  I know she's annoying purposely, I don't bother her, I make no secret that I don't like use or her but I leave for alone 

The beginning of that post was a couple of days ago. The next day when I saw her. I asked her why she continues to park in front of my door and window when I asked her not to the first thing she said was a didn't know I was. I said you didn't know you were sitting in front my door at 1130 last night when I came out to walk Olsen? Then she said that it was a common area. I said to find my door and window are not your common area. And if I have to I will talk to the board. Well actually that was the last thing I said Durst, she said it was only one time. I said what about when you were part on my window? Why can't you just do what I asked why do you have to make a big deal out of it? That's when she said it was a common area. I said no it isn't. And you know the rest she said she would try her best, I said you better off some when she said fuck you as I was driving way. I told her to say her bad words to someone cares LOL.

Now for what else has been going on. If I could remember on Thursday, I was watching TV like usual and all the sudden everything in the entertainment center when off including the TV. It happened once before, and all I have to do is jiggle the WIRE, but this time it wouldn't work. I was hoping Larissa would fix it. She moved the wire, and I didn't come on, but instead of just leaving it that she proceeds to tell me that it's not possible for wire to come loose that it was against physics. I said to her, are you saying that I am lying? She said its just not possible. So I guess she was anyways, I think it was Friday that the mom and dad were coming back from their other house. They stopped by, well it turns out the elements in the plug was burned so I am lucky that there wasn't a fire. The dad went to get a new plug and fixed it which reminds me. I forgot to call the maintenance people I want them to check all the plugs.

I tried to e-mail the trauma unit in Texas. I am considering going there. I wanted to asked them if I could bring Olsen with me. Anyway the e-mail that I sent came back saying fatal error I clicked on the link right on the site where to the address right in the e-mail. I don't know what happened, and too nervous to: the phone. I wasn't even for sure if it's something that I wanted to do, but it would help me make a decision tremendously if I did know that Olsen could come with me so I don't know.

Off some about all I did write awesome letter to my cousin that I will probably put on here somewhere, because I am proud of myself I think I did good.