It's about time I write it's been forever. I wish I felt better. I hope everything goes better for me tomorrow I'm going to try to go to a different class. I really don't want to. I used to love it there it used to be fun. I used to laugh and learn at the same time I'm afraid to speak now tension triggers so many other things inside. It feels like a burden I even feel fear I know there's nothing to be afraid of, and that's coming from another place. But I still feel it. The fact that I told Brad I was feeling so bad that I was drowning and he hasn't even talked to me about it just plain hurts he totally ignored it therefore ignored me did he think this was easy for me to say? I wish It could be like before, where there could be laughter and smiles. Not tension and for me not fear I don't have energy to hide from some of the only people that I didn't have to hide from from, the people I felt truly did care. But now they are the people that want to stay in their head where it is safe where there doesn't have to be feelings where there doesn't have to be caring. I feel so lost to them and to myself when I am with them whats going to happen to me. How much more will I sink only to be quiet to myself alone, as it was. And I think needs to be, I wish I could disappear. It would be easier, less painful. Maybe some people are meant to be by themselves meant to stay quiet meant to suffer in silence. Maybe we are those people, maybe this proves that and we should have stayed that way all along silence is safer less painful to take the chance and speak and not be heard is like torture to us. We will keep the wall up now never to speak our pain again like it was and should have stayed.

Forever silent forever distant forever closed the wall will stay. It is strong again, reinforced better than before, we are forever changed but never to be changed again. Please give us strength to remember in the beginning. Why the wall was there and why it must be again