dont know

so tired but dont know why cause we haven't done anything all day, we ate pot roast the mom brought two days in a row, at lease its gone but maybe thats why we are so tired? i dont know, you would think we would have more energy from eatings something good but we are so tired, we dont want to go to church but we will cause not going to the school this week cause will have our every 3 month week of hell, so besides going to the T we don't have to do nothing so happy about that. wish it wasnt December already and we are so mad we loaned anyone money, never again, yolie has bounced shit all over the place so wont be geeting money from her this month and the 300 Stacy was gonna give me magically tured in to 150 isn't it something how that happens? jerks we are damn jerks
wish so much we could skip Christmas hating life hating self hating all

a not firmly planted saturday

Hi just thought I would write, not feeling great, not going to go to church again just not up to it, mom got mad at me. The motor or my blinds kept falling down the psycho dad came twice already put it up but he was in a hurry and just didn't do it right.  It came down again, they were going to Homosassa I had a doctors appointment yesterday told them I'd be home around one but I forgot my cell phone so couldn't call them when I was on my way.  I called the mom to ask her when he left I could tell she had an attitude to her voice I asked her what was wrong?  And before she started to talk I said please don't start in about the door again yes I am holding my ground and not giving her key to my place if I did I would never live in peace in my own home so she went on and on about the door of course so I said okay be mad so now she's mad at me is short if I call so I won't be calling for awhile they could do everything under the sun for other people now she's working at Joe's office to and I heard him say that he bought Joe some shirts unbelievable
I wish I felt better staying home tomorrow just don't want to be around people

feelings I hate them

today when to the T, appt at one got there at 12:15 didnt get home till 20 after 5. tired of being so sad, tired of being mad about this DID stuff, there is nothing to do about it, but I dont have to like it. I dont care if it saved me, maybe I didnt want to be saved, no one asked me did they? maybe scared of going foward? well if it means being like this, scared has nothing to do about it what does? I dont want to period end of story and many dont want to I am not the only one, yes are we mad at god? Barb is, but as for the rest in my vincinity? we could give a fuck got it?  going to go in bed and float now

Saturday at Joe's, what is what's not and what will be

Went to Joe's yesterday, it was really easy to get there.  Stacy didn't have any problem finding the house.  Joe looks exactly the same except for his receding hairline.  It was great seeing him, he wants me to come over for new years I asked him if Beth could come he said he would rather not.  He doesn't know this but that means I will not be going.  I know without question that he thinks I'm going to go there and drink and that it's not happening despite what others might wish or want

People can say so much with their eyes not a word has to be spoken to know what they're saying to know every word when he said wait and looked at his helper I knew so no I will not be going there for New Year's Eve sorry to disappoint both those within and without.  Anyway until they put a bar in his bathroom that's not 2 feet away from the toilet as the present one I won't be staying there.  I went from 12:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. without going to the bathroom quite a feat

I said to him too bad we can't pick up your house and move it.  He said well all of all my friends are here.  I or somebody said well you want us to leave all our friends. Minus the plural sense and he said I have the house I see how this goes his aid kept making remarks about me coming there to stay it was driving me crazy and Joe kept saying wait she will.  Yes it was a lot of pressure and yes it's only convinced me more that I am staying right here

I didn't go to church today I wasn't up to being Christian or nice and kind I didn't go to Stacy's daughters party either as I was not up to being social something is to be said for silence the silence that disconnects you from every one especially your self as for me?  That is the best silence of all

The silence will continue because there is no need for my words there is no need for anybody's words because after all so much could be said without words

From the silence that is me

so tired filled with Sadness

 I am so sad  and yeah I can give and give, but then when I need? when I call the call isn't retured cause she doesnt feel like talking to "other ppl" cause she is busy with work and school and doesnt want to "bother" ppl? thats BS I have always supported her, so now she feels like she doesnt want to bother me? its not about bothering me, its about her thinking of herself and not wanting to deal with what I am going through, which is fine, thats her choice and I told her she needs to do whats best for her, its just that I am hurting so bad, I dont remember feeling so bad for this long, and it would have been nice if I could lean on her a little, I have always supported her gladly, and now I need support I need to talk and she doesnt return my calls? She said she thought I needed some time, told her if that was the case I would have told her. it just hurts, I asked her did she realize how important she was to me? and if she didnt, I was telling her now and that maybe I have missed her and I needed her too?

she said she was sorry or something can't remember it didnt really mean much to me I guess cause she seems to always think of herself and what she is dealing with/ maybe some ppl just cant give back? maybe she is one of those ppl? don't know, I am just hurting so bad, and when I reach out so someone I always have been there for, its hard when they are not there it hurts

to tell someone your hurting and its like you said nothing?  I need someone to hear me, and to care I need more than ONE when there are so many I need someone help please tears aren't stopping sadness isn't easing, it has filled every inch of me

Feelings so many things, too many things

There are so many things inside so many things that  I wish I didn't feel. I feel lost as to how to make it better part of me doesn't want it to be better and that is scary to me.  I feel like there's blackness all around I feel like I'm in a perpetual haze everywhere I turn, there is never a way out just more haze more darkness I had a dream that Doc didn't really die I dreamt that his family was worried about him so they made him come live with them.  I wish my dream was reality I wish I felt better or knew how to make myself feel better, for the self harm urges are very strong still maybe that's why I am in this haze? I don't have no energy and that's probably a good thing. This feels like it was a waste of time

feeling so sad and stupid

was trying to help a friend and think I said something I shouldnt have, they have programming in their backround and are having such a rough time was talking to them for a long time and was saying that the guy that D used to get free was really good, they said that they were triggered by the guys site and they got punished for going there

I said well maybe someday cause I think a lot of the things that are going on have lots to do with programming and I dont think their T knows enough about that to help and they went off line, I am just worried that maybe they felt hopeless about everything cause I said that? yes I know the T would say that's is their issue, but we try so hard to be careful with our words and the last think we want to do is hurt someone when things are so hard already :( I feel like an idiot 

all I want to do is get in bed and stay there, I hate there is so much evil in the world so much abuse I just hate it
I dont wanna go out tomorrow but I will make myselves :(
mixed of bunch of mixups

Bjs 

Monday the great

I thought I would write because it's been a whole week since I have.  Today I went to school with the kids being with the kids was uneventful.  I always get there early so I decided to go to the cafeteria, to get some lunch.  I had Olsen, I grabbed a tray and ended up spilling it on the floor (great) they got me another tray I went into the teacher's lounge.  I was done with my food and trying to get out of the door this is very hard because of the narrow hallway so I can't get exactly to one side my foot rest was wedged in against the door I had to let Olsen go by this time a child was coming over to help me but when I let Olsen go of course she had to scream very loudly so all her friends with know one of the teachers finally got up and help me out the door I told my friend Sandy I am never going into that cafeteria again she said she would help me get what I wanted so if I wanted anything just to tell her

Luckily my right was there right on time and I didn't have to wait made me really happy.  I ordered Olsen his favorite chews and they came in the mail today I know this update was pretty lame but oh well the only thing I felt like saying I guess
goodnight to me myself and I

Lonely frustrated and scared

Today is Friday I went out with Stacy to lunch in the movie we saw Michael Clayton it was a really good movie and I went to Wal-Mart and got Olsen to drummel that I wanted to tomorrow is the festival at the church gosh how I don't want to go I am still fighting the urge to self injure it's taking so much out of me I am trying my best I am so unhappy at this moment I feel so invisible I feel like nobody knows how much I I am hurting, and I guess that's true no one does I feel so alone so far away from everything and everyone I wish so much I could give up

I should've went to bed a couple of hours ago like I planned but now it's 10:30 p.m. I am so sad so tired so lost

I am going to go having trouble focusing on the screen don't want to switch who knows if I go to bed so better leave while I still have the power to do so I hate this life I hate the way I am

frustrated totally

gosh I feel so crappy, didnt go to school today. started getting a headache at 9:30 last night. got up took meds and some extra seroquel cause things have been really hard internally. my head got progressively fworse, got up at 2 am and took some advil, I was in so much pain, at 3 am I didnt know what to do was hurting so bad and my stomach was queasy. I was getting in my chair and threw up (least it wasnt in the bed) called Larissa, my aide I knew she was with her main client, she couldnt come till he woke up cause she didnt want him to get scared if she wasnt there, so I got back in bed. Olsen was so worried about me he stayed close to me in bed the whole time. I fell asleep for a bit Larissa came at 5 and cleaned my chair and the floor. I called at 6 to canc my ride to the school. I feel better than I did but the head still hurts a bit
Not firmly planted either, I think I am suppose to go out with Dan his wife and that guy he wants me to meet, but I not sure, I called him twice yesterday left a message for him to call me cause I am not sure when we are suppose to meet, he is playing golf, so left two messages for his wife to call me because if its tomorrow I need to make my transport arrangements, she hasnt called so if it is tomorrow and she doesnt call on time I am not going to be able to go. I am going to the school tomorrow cause I told another teacher I will come to speak to his students about Olsen so will make that trip and F him

the parents are here they bought a stand for the TV because the reason I am having so much trouble seeing it is cause of the angle I look from when in bed, so this will fix that cause it could move all over, but the cable ppl said besides that my signal isnt good so they are coming out thursday.

I am so down, hate myself right now hate DID and everything it brings and hate them for abusing me in the first place :(


 

ramblings from me and the wall

 

Today is Wednesday, I'm still not used to going to the therapist on Wednesday it kind of messes up my whole week just that little change. The teacher called back that wanted us to speak to his class tomorrow saying that he forgot the schedule change so now somehow we agreed to do all his classes on Tuesday instead of the two classes that is a lot of classes and we are idiots for agreeing to it poor Olsen

We are really tired I think we are going to take our medicine and go to bed really soon one disadvantage of being multiple is never being able to truly take a vacation you're all stuck together whether you want to be or not and it stinks totally

and no one gets paid for their service's no retirement fund, no overtimepay and no sick time totally unfair what did we do to deserve this? Abuse to be abused again, over and over and over there is no way to leave it. There is no way to leave us and there is no way to leave the people that hurt us because they are burned in our memory and in our minds are pictures that we see. They Affect our body our ability to function our energy our dreams and our nightmares why are we holding certain ones off maybe they are right maybe they have the right idea? Okay so things happen so what? Move on already! Why are we being tortured? Seeing it, hearing it and feeling? Personally I want out!

Whoever I am, I am not me I am not you I am nothing no one no where invisible no one sees me no one knows me no one hears me just i am here, when you need me but yet I am not free I am stuck in the body that I don't want people that I don't like against my will I am here there is no fear there is just hate because there's no escape never forever I'm here even though I thought I had disappeared it was a cruel joke that no one spoke until I found myself once again. I will never be your friend, I was never meant to be a friend, to be understood or cared about, just part of the wall that broke now there are too many holes too much to unfold, this is not what was suppose to happen this is not what I want, but no one cares so why should I? the one who is not enough to have a name part of the numb ppl

Back again

feeling better than we were, got some rest now hungry but won't eat, we ate 2 doughnuts and had some choc milk this morning, we are thinking about too many things shouldnt have let Barb talk to joe even tho she did good and told him that we are open to maybe moving up there in the future depending how things work out, but it would be a huge change and its a change that she didnt know if she could make, told him that she needed to take things slow

He told her he needed her? she told him that she did love him ect so there is a total war in here now, on top of that hearing about the boy that was so abused at freedom village has brought up so much shit this is not good, we are trying really hard not to self harm but the urge is really strong 

wish it wasn't there, but it is so many are mad about so many different things dont know what to do, just know if our fingers are typing this is good but hard to even type cause can't hold out to what ppl are saying, maybe we should take some meds 
 going to try and watch deseprate house wives 
bye 

From foggy eyes

I have been sitting here for a long time. So many thoughts going through my head so many opinions so many wants and needs but I am sitting here frozen I think I've been here for a couple of hours not really doing much of anything the TV isn't even on but I am sitting here I don't know why I feel so afraid so sad so hopeless so powerless I know someone wants to hurt the body maybe that's why I'm sitting here frozen afraid to move if I stay still maybe I will stay in control? But my legs hurt because they've been hanging down don't have my foot rests on I am really thirsty don't think I've drank anything today I think I'm going to go try and lay down I just needed to write this so I didn't spend all these hours for nothing I wish so much I could start over in another time and another place

sincerely foggy eyes

Thursday

Today is Thursday my second day at school. It went well I think it's going to be an easy year although I don't think I should say that considering that it was only the second day me and Stacy were supposed to go out for the second time she didn't call me to let me know she wasn't coming which is not cool this is the third time this week she changed the day

I am tired of stupid guy Beau finally called me I was trying to thank him for the ugly picture he made me and then when I told him I needed to go he hung up on me yes he definitely has issues no doubt I am not hanging that ugly thing on my wall

I am not feeling really good but I don't know what's wrong emotionally I am really tired but there is a lot of sadness I don't know why and I don't know where it's coming from I just feel very draining I have had a busy week that's probably it. I have to go somewhere to be at a booth for canine companions for four hours gosh I wish I didn't have to go oh well going to lay down now

 

hopes dreams and fear

Today is Wednesday, I had a good birthday. Boy did I get a surprise on Monday Joe's mother called me from his house to say happy birthday boy was I surprised LOL but I was even more surprised to find out that Joe was divorced these last six months or so I have been thinking about him and saying to myself maybe he'll get a divorce, and then yelling at myself that I was crazy well actually others yelling at me that I was crazy I totally can't believe this when he got married I think it was about five years ago I was happy for him but I was so sad at the same time because I realize that that moment how much I really loved him and wish that I could be with him forever

Now maybe I have the chance? I have known him since 1973 that's when we moved to Florida I love his mother in his step dad they have been so good to me throughout the years me and Joe went to concerts together he sent me flowers quite often on my birthdays he was always there even through my problems although I didn't tell him much and gosh I didnt know much, thats a whole nother issues a big one

he has an accessible house that he got through Habitat for Humanity. I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself but at the same time when the time is right I am going to tell him how I feel he is the only person I truly think that I could live with that I want to live with. He lives in Lakeland it would mean leaving a lot of things behind a lot of people behind and I don't know if I could do it but I do think it's possible that I could and the fact that I think it's possible is pretty awesome within itself

I've tried to call him a couple of times but for one reason or another we couldn't talk and I have been abnormally busy this week so I'm going to try again tomorrow when I get home from working with the kids Joe has severe cerebral palsy, I used to think I wanted somebody that would be able to take care of me in all aspects of life but now I know so much of what I thought was important when you get down to it means absolutely nothing

if this does happen I would have a family a real family of my own but that is too hard to think about for right now because it brings up a lot of feelings mainly negative Ones that there's no way that will ever happen so I will leave that for now and just see what tomorrow brings one day at a time

good night for now

my Friday and the other stuff

 

Beth took off work today and we met to go to the movies. We saw the Brave one with Jodie Foster it was really good lots of violence but not so much that it overpowered the goodness of the movie. I had salmon to eat and was really proud of myself but then I came home and I ate three doughnuts I don't understand why I do these things. Tomorrow one of the ladies that works for wheelchair transport invited me out to dinner for my birthday she always remembers my birthday because I think her fathers is the day after mine. But now the last thing I want to do is eat

I tried to set up up a my space I bought this program that was supposed to help you I kept having errors all the time so I went there and try to do with myself man I was confused yes I guess we are getting old

I am feeling quite jumbled right now so many things are going around in my head but only bits and pieces of different conversation I can't hold on to any enough to decipher anything I am really tired I haven't been sleeping well I haven't been taking too much extra Seroquel because the last time I did I would still love for a couple of hours afterwords and then exhausted for the next day. I am so tired of these nightmares

I did discover a neat thing today, this new mouse I got is rechargeable but the batteries don't last very long well it stopped working and I thought to myself I bet this thing will work plugged in why not? And it sure did yes I am getting old LOL I'm so tired that I don't want to go to bed for some reason I am stressed out about this festival at the church not that I need anything to make me stressed out but then I'm supposed to do the thing for canine companions on the 29th and then go to the workshop for Olsen on October 6 I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed but I think it's only because I'm tired.

As far as that guy wrote about in my last entry I am keeping him at more than an arms length he wants to do too many things to fast, there is a difference between being lonely and being needy, I'm sure he definitely is lonely but the neediness is stronger than anything else so for lots of reasons we are not going to well let's just put it this way we are going to stay on high alert where he is concerned

I am going to start of the school on Monday I hope everything goes okay I guess that's all for now I feel like there's so much on my mind but I can't get a hold of any of it very frustrating

I'm going to take some extra pills tonight and hopefully sleep but going to call dalton first of course LOL

goodnight to me and the universe

I am trying to get in the habit of writing again I relaxed a lot today there is a spot on the back of my leg that always ends up getting pinched especially when I is different bathrooms I know it's weird that I don't feel like going through everything as to why it happens that just take my word on it anyway needless to say I am very uncomfortable so I've been trying to lay down a lot today Larissa came and washed my hair thank goodness and I took Olsen out to brush him really well, he really needed it especially since this is the first time we rushed him really good since we've been back home boy the hair was flying! LOL

we have to go to a meeting Wednesday for this stupid committee we are on what a mess this has been

One of our neighbors who has lived here as long as we have asked us to come have dinner with him tomorrow we found out we have quite a bit in common with him, we don't want to hurt his feelings we accepted his invitation even though we really didn't want to, he seems to be going way too fast for our liking, he called today he wanted us to come to dinner tonight but we said we were laying down which we were we don't like doing things out of the blue like that, then he wanted us to come to church with him or temple I should say which we are not opposed to doing we think it may be interesting but he seems to go too fast, he is from California he was adopted and abused by his adopted family. He became a nurse was minding his own business walking down the street when he was attacked by members of a gang. This caused severe damage to his back, he is in constant pain all the time and takes morphine he walks as much as he's able with crutches and braces. he also self injures/injured when he looked at our arm and said he did too (goody) NOT

He was married for a short time his wife died of cancer and I guess what worrying us a lot in that he made a comment that are name, the first initials and middle are the same as his wife's. He said how he cleaned up his apartment because he wanted to invite us over

so we are going to go over his house tomorrow to have spaghetti, I wish Barb wasn't so nice because everybody's on alert now, I can tell you that we are not going to make this a habit that's for sure and damn Spaghetti? to eat that in front of another person? well it aint going to be me thats for damn sure
(as us chimes in)

anyway I guess we better go to bed

 someone

so confused

Been forever since I've written here I think it will help if I start again I went to New York I'm glad I did just don't understand why some things happened. Do I have a sign on my head that says abuse me? I just don't get it, why do people think it's okay to talk to me like I AM nothing? Yes I need help not a lot of help but I do need some I was trying so hard to put my bra on I could not do it

Things take me so much longer than the average person for the most part. So why do people complain about things that take them literally two seconds? I will never understand that, the therapist said we are entitled to be warm and comfortable. But how does she know that? Just because other people are entitled to that doesn't mean that we are.

What makes a person entitled to those things? Just because they're on the earth? Because there are a lot of people on the earth and lots of them aren't warm or comfortable and they never have been, they were told they were enemies of their families and told that the problems in the family were their fault but the therapist said what happened was not our fault with the cousins

If so many people feel the same way about us, it must be something we're doing or that we did? I wish so much we can go away because I just don't think we belong here. I think we never have I know they say that God doesn't make mistakes but I just feel sometimes that maybe he did with us?

It's hard not to think that if our body wasn't broken that maybe those people would love us, people say to your face that they love you but if that were true they would never hurt you in the first place

it so hard to feel like you don't belong to anyone or anywhere and it is so hard to know that you never will, cause a person can truly only have one mom and dad, the body is too old to be adopted :( this makes us want to cry and cry

I don't understand why God has made the choices that he has. I know they say God doesn't punish people especially when they're trying to be good but we can't help but think we did something wrong, something to be punished for because almost from the start we were hurt by people that are supposed to love us

We are just confused about everything, people always say God has a reason for everything but what could it be his reason for this?

We will go now and write more tomorrow

MANY BUT NO ONE

Finally writing this Wednesday

Finally writing again

Today is Wednesday that I'm sure of not sure of much else. Stayed in bed a lot today and most likely will go back there lots more. Yesterday they drained a liter and a half of a fluid from Anita's lung they are going to do the other one today.

So much has been happening of my brain is so scattered I can even remember most of it except the course of Ruthie situation I still can't get over it every time I think of her gross comes to mind I was nauseous for the longest time my stomach is still not doing the best but its better have been having a hard time taking my pills at night I've been doing it of course its just not easy my stomach does flip-flops

I think I am pretty depressed kind of hard to know for sure though because I think I always have some depression all the time if that's possible? Just not in a very good space I feel like self harming so much at a given and for that I am glad I felt more grounded yesterday now I am back to feeling the wet spongy feeling

Patrice called and invited me to Panera bread with a friend of hers I am going to go but I don't want to not even one bit I hate it that I don't want to I wish that I did

Guess that's enough for now hopefully next time I'll have something exciting to say

Voice Post

Its been awhile since I have written.  I was going to go to church today, but I was too tired.  So I called up and canceled.  I can't believe they couldn't do the surgery, but hopefully the DNC will help.  I will be going to see him in about two or three weeks.  The doctor, I mean, he said he might be able  Tell something from the samples about me hormonally. I am thinking if that's in fact the case.  Maybe he'll be able to control it for me with some kind of medication or something.

I couldn't hardly sleep today I got home.  I was up till 2 a.m. and I finally got up to take more Seroquel.  I slept most of the day yesterday and today so far to.  And I feel like I'm done I go back to lay down in a few minutes.  I just wanted to give an update.  I have my software working again, so I'll probably be using the journal more.

Maybe write more later

This stupid day! If you want to see the movie Georgia rule dont read this

I thought this was going  to be a really good day me and Beth went to lunch and then a movie.  I was hoping we could see the movie fractured, because I love Anthony Hopkins.  It started to late so we sought Georgia rule instead.  We thought it was going to be a comedy.  There were few funny parts, but it was most certainly a drama.  It centered around an 18-year-old girl, played by Lindsay Lohan.  She was into drugs and doing all the wrong things.  So her mom sent her to live with her grandmother for the summer hoping that it would turn things around for her.  The grandmother got her a job with a veterinarian of this small town.  This man happened to date her mother, way back when.  Anyway, the girl ends up telling him that her stepfather molested her.  He in turn tells the grandmother, who tells her daughter.  The mom goes down to the town and asked her daughter, if it was true.  In a very blunt way, the daughter says it is.  Anyway I could go on and on.  Of course, the man denies it.  The daughter goes to see the stepfather, who was now in town to tells him that she had recorded things.  But as long as he keeps her mother happy.  She wouldn't say anything.  She tells her mother that she really lied, and it didn't happen.  So the mother starts driving home with the stepfather and then realizes true after all.

Just what I needed after a few weeks ago.  I started crying so much and trying to hold it in at the same time.  Just what I needed

Now tomorrow mothers day again just what I need.  I want a vacation from my head hating me totally

we sad

filled with sadness what to do when there is no way out, to talk dont help to not dont help no better either way, makes us again realize we dont want to be here we dont like this place why are we staying? no hope just pain and sadness sustain, tired so tired if we sleep or if we don't just have weight so heavy we not want to carry no more please just show us the door let us be truly free away from here and everywhere free to fly to soar where its safe thats where we belong not here, this place is foriegh not for us we dont belong here, he was wrong, we be bad ppl we know thats true let us go please we not want to hurt no more please help us to the sky above the clouds or we willed help us by our self no one never help us anyway

more adventures with the Psyco dad and my teeth

I finally got my computer back, which means I have my DragonDictate thank the Lord. Yesterday I went to the parents house, because it was my favorite and 84th birthday. I was so tired because I barely slept for the last two days. It was good to see my aunt, she bought me five scratch off tickets. I didn't win anything. When my mom took her home. I went into the bathroom. I couldn't believe it. The dad started yelling at my nephew telling him to pick up his trucks. He has been playing with them on and off all day. He had been homesick the dad started asking him to pick up his trucks. He said, but I was still playing with them, can't I play with them? The dad says you haven't been playing with them all day. Now you want to play with them? The dad had been outside all day working on the Van. So obviously he couldn't know what Joseph was doing it pissed me off because its like he waited till I went in the bathroom. And he started getting louder and louder telling Joseph to pick up the truck. He is five years old, and here is the 65-year-old man yelling at the top of his lungs of course Joe started crying hysterically. He said bring the trucks in there and now you stay in there. Instead of leaving him alone at that point he kept yelling at him. At this point, I yelled from the bathroom that he had punished him let it go. He went on and on that he needs to understand what he did. I said he's five where of course the dad said that doesn't matter. Of course it doesn't matter why would it? Stupid idiot! And he just waited till I went in the bathroom. He wouldn't do it if I wasn't in there. It was like oh now I got him to myself, what can I do. He was so peaceful, before I went in the bathroom. We were watching TV Brianna and Joe were playing and being silly. He comes in from outside and has to shake the World up

I told the mom when she got home, what happened. She said he started since the first thing that morning

I wish he would just go away

When I went to the dentist on Tuesday, they said I needed a crown, which is in a cost 700 dollars. I called the mom and told her, she said that maybe Dan would do it. I told her I really didn't want that, she said she knows and that we would talk about it later. I know that's not to happen, unless I bring it up again. Beth says she really doesn't think it's a good idea for me to do that and that she was loan the money. She knows I couldn't pay her off until on done with the computer. I don't like owing her money, but she said Barb I've known you for 20 years, don't worry about it. So I don't know I'm thinking about it. I don't want to be in debt to Dan but it's more than that. He's never done anything to my mouth before, and I don't think I want him to. I don't know going to keep thinking

That's it for now from this craziness that is me
Barb

why did I do it?????

I am a fucking idiot! never called that cousin again to much to go into I should know not to call no one that sees the parents like all loving creatures that can do no wrong "they love you" there is that fucking word, thrown out so carelessly that word means shit to me feel like my brain has been put through a fucking meat grinder. Love????????? Love is fake, used to decieve to control to manipulate to hurt. to hide, and disguise, Love?? is said to make ppl stop saying their truth, to make them shut up, to trick, to use and abuse. Love?  they love you, but they hurt you, they love you, but they torcher you, they love you but they yell and scream, they love you but treat you like you are nothing, they love you, but will not help you when you most need, they love you but set you apart and leave you alone all by yourself, they love you but wont let you be with others, they love you but are jelous of your accomplishments, or if you have friends, they love you but they kill you bit by bit, they love you so much that all you want to do is die

I hope it goes ok tomorrow

well finally I feel better going to he middle school tomorrow, hope I sleep good and have energy, kinda worried cause been staying in bed so much, but this was my best day yet only coughed a few times, boy whatever this was kicked my ass. I called about my computer at bestbuy because on the paper work it said that the estimated arrival date was April 21st! (glad I looked at the paperwork today) so I called them and they said they have an inquirey to them cause it was shipped out but not recieved damn so going to call back wed

meds kicking in, night

Finally some news

 I am going to do this a different way sense I lost my whole huge entry from yesterday. I had a great time with Ruthie's I don't remember a lot of it, that is very fustrating. I do know that I ate a lot, I really have gained a lot of weight it's amazing to me how fast you can put on weight. I don't understand why I have been getting a lot of headaches. I know lots of people that are multiple get  headaches, but I have never been one to do that.

I had a terrible night last night. Very bad nightmares the whole night. I woke up exhausted. A friend from church passed away I went to the funeral on Wednesday. I'm going to miss him very much he had a real bad rheumatoid arthritis. He must've had it for a very long time. His fingers were very twisted. He never complained, I know he had to be in lots of pain. I have been thinking about that and wondering how he coped with it. I haven't said this about anybody before that I know, but Jack was a godly man. I think that's what he did to cope he stayed close to God and have tremendous faith. Also he did for others all the time. I have learned a lot from him. I am going to strive to be closer to God and lean on him more. I will miss you Jack, if you can save me a place up there near you I would like that.

On to more good news, I am going to New York from August 30 to September third. I am so excited I can't believe Sheila is doing this for me. We're going there for our 40th birthday's. When I talked to her sister Jacquie a couple months ago, she asked why I didn't come to my uncle and  aunt's 50th wedding anniversary. I told her I was invited. She was socked because the parents said that I was busy and not able to come. I have always told Jacquie and sheila  that they don't treat me good. She felt so bad and said why don't we plan for me to go to New York and not tell them until I land. I said I would love that but I had to wait till I pay off my computer and that will take about a year. She said that's okay just tell her when I was ready. When Sheila was here she was talking about spending a lot of money to have a party for our family when we turned 40. I assumed that Jacquie would tell her that I wasn't invited to the party for my aunt and uncle and that I really wanted to go to New York but she didn't. I told her that I wasn't invited when she asked why I didn't come to the party she too was shocked that they didn't invite me. Originally the parents just told me they were going not anybody else in the family. Then the grandmother told me oh yeah everybody is going I felt so hurt. Anyway I suggested to Sheila instead of spending all the money on a family party here why don't we go to New York instead she thought that was a great idea and she already bought my ticket in my hotel room in the city. I can't believe how much she spent 1300 dollars! They are going to rent an accessible van to, you can rent them right from Kennedy Airport I thought that was really neat. I haven't been on a plane in so long. This will be mine and Olsen's first trip together. I hope he does good on the plane time will tell

Larissa's coming pretty soon to dye my hair I can't wait because I want to get back in bed. Maybe I'll write more later

Totally absolutely pissed

I just wrote one of the biggest entries I ever wrote I wasn't even finished and something happened and it's gone I am so mad too tired to write it all out again hope I can remember at all tomorrow night all

I made it through

the sonogram wasn't bad, I started drinking the water later than I should have and sure enough I get there at one o'clock in there calling my name.  My bladder was in full enough, though she did use more water I waited, waited and waited some more.  The lady that was doing it was having trouble for some reason, she seemed like she was having trouble seeing things so she got someone else to do the test.  When it was over I went to the bathroom it turns out the toilet seat was totally loose so it took me awhile to get back in the chair but I was able to it was early but I walked outside and there was the Van she was supposed to pick someone else up first and then come back and take me but that lady was going to  Be ready for at least another half hour or so she took me.  That was really cool that never happens, I got there early and was talking to one of the drivers that I know really well he told me they had to fire 10 people because they found out they had a felony conviction 10 drivers.  It turns out that they weren't doing the background checks that they were supposed to because they wanted to save money.  Michael Kenny, but I couldn't stand and that was so rude to me was fired, when he got fired he wrote an anonymous letter that the background checks weren't being done.  One guy named Dolly has been working for them for years he got fired because he never told anybody that his client that he took to dialysis a couple of times a week had died eight months prior he was getting paid for taking someone that died eight months ago places.  They're probably going to prosecute him it's about time they're cracking down on things it wasn't just wheelchair transport either it was another service called care ride, also Medicaid is cracking down they won't let anybody transport Medicaid clients that have criminal records so good things are happening it's about time. That's all for now
someone

One day later, Monday

I have been so tired, I got up during the night last night to go to the bathroom and I dozed off twice before I got there.  I have been getting headaches every night for about a week I don't know what's going on but they've been really bad and I usually don't get headaches.  It was okay at the middle school today there was a fire drill that was a lot of fun nothing like going out in the hot sun waiting for a bunch of kids to be quiet of course  It took forever for that to happen.  I brought the Big tin of brownie bites to sue the teacher I work with for the kids but she's going to use them for Sandy's baby shower tomorrow instead so at least I got rid of those.  I ate the pasta Alfredo, when I looked at it I realized there really wasn't that much in their ate some of it and I'll eat the rest tomorrow.  After I go to therapist tomorrow I'm going home and then getting picked up for the baby shower its going to be a pain  going back there to school tomorrow but i could teacher I always hang out at lunch time with and I like her a lot.  I don't think I'll go to the school on Thursday because on so tired now as it is, then I have the sonogram on Wednesday so I think I'll stay home on Thursday and Friday and probably Saturday LOL I don't know what's up with the list but everybody's been so quiet oh well going to bed now

Is been a long time

It has been forever since I have written.  I really don't even know what to say or where to start.  It's hard when everything so discombobulated.  I was really sad today because Christie told me that they think Dejon is sociopathic, the psychologist, social worker and behavior specialist all agree I just feel so bad because I'm wondering is being that way totally dependent on ones environment? Or is it something you are born with?  They say the psycho dad is antisocial personality with psychotic tendencies, I guess I'm just wondering what makes a person that way and I could care less about the psycho dad but Dejon is a 14 year old child I would hate to think that there's no hope for him?  It's not his fault he has a drug addict for mother and crazy grandmother.

I went to that gynecologist, he's really nice he is going to do that procedure on me where they take the  Lining out of your uterus.  I am really nervous about it but I hope it will help first I have to go for sonogram on Wednesday.  It worries me having to drink all that water I hope they can do it with me being in my chair still.

We went to Costco today it was a nice store.  We bought some real food first time in a long time it won't let me change the color on the thing I am using DragonDictate I hate pink

We bought a big thing of pasta Alfredo with chicken, we were going to spread it out and make four or  Five meals out of it.  Then someone bought a thing of three pounds of brownie bites and  we were just going to put  Those in baggies and put them in the freezer.  We got protein bars were doing okay with that, the people want to throw all the other stuff in the garbage it's the first time any real foods been in the house except for one meal here and there I hope it doesn't get thrown out but there is one of me and many more of them time will tell I guess we are really nervous about Ruthie coming because of the food thing more than nervous but if Moronn doesn't come around in her system and jellies are just around they won't be eating a lot but if Moronn around Lord help us all because he has an incredible appetite

I wish it wasn't going to be Monday again it seems to me that it just was Monday but I guess that doesn't mean anything does it?  Man I hate this pink I tried to put it to black and I wouldn't change it to black either.
Saturday is the grandmothers 90th birthday joy to us all (not) that means a huge gathering of the family everybody knows how we love that yes? I think we will take the opportunity to indulge its more than time for somebody to get drunk around here and what better time?  Lord knows will be around enough of them at least some of us will fit in for once
goodnight it's time to go

Poem My Hole

My Hole

There is a hole inside of me
I think it's been there as long as I've been alive
inside hidden but so so near 
it can never disappear
The hole is dark and black
With no beginning and no end
It gets bigger and bigger as time goes on
It touches everywhere there is
It touches every one there is

I am afraid it's getting too big now
I feel like it's going to swallow me up
I will never find my way out
As we know I cannot shout
I cannot scream 
I cannot dream
I cannot hope
Maybe this is where I belong?
In the big black hole
Maybe this is my home after all?
In the big black hole
Maybe I will be better there?

That's where they all want me to go
The hole is catching up to me
I cannot run anymore
I cannot cry
I just want to say goodbye
So I will let it catch me
Then I will be where I belong
Me and my hole will be one forever

Barbara of Bj's crowd

February 6, 2007

 

 

 

 

 

filled up from the very small me

Its been forever since I've posted I wrote a long post a couple days ago and lost it all. Right now everything is seeming like it's running together lets see, the mom had surgery Wednesday. It went well. She had a total of seven hernias repaired. Now I am scared though because they think there is fluid in her lungs. They took a chest x-ray today, and she will get the results tomorrow. She's been doing really good a lot of walking and moving around. They started giving her breathing treatments again. Hopefully that'll help. It's just scary, because of what happened two years ago

Moving on to grandma she's back in the hospital. I think she's been in there since Friday. She had blood in her stool they are doing colonoscopy tomorrow. It was like family week at the hospital when I got there on Saturday. Dan was there with his family (joy). He was his usual warm self he managed to say hi we got out of their real quick and went to grandma. Then when Dan and family came down we went back up to see mom. I couldn't believe the mom said. Actually, she told Stacey that she was worried about the dog because this was a hospital . She was worried about hair flying. I guess since the dad didn't say it. She picked up where he didn't leave off? It never ceases to amaze me every time I think I have something figured out how they will react, what they will say or do I am wrong. The only thing I can ever predict with 100 percent certainty, is that I can't predict anything with 100 percent certainty

As far as Anita goes she got off the respirator today, they're going to try to take a chest tube out again tomorrow and supposedly she is going to get chemo and radiation on outpatient basis I honestly don't think it's going to help. She is so weak and they couldn't touch the tumor by her aorta. I just don't know if it's worth putting her through that, because it is going to make what ever life she does have left pretty miserable I would think. They found another tumor when they went in. So she had four total but everybody is still being secretive and quiet, which I honestly don't understand. But I guess there's nothing new with that

How am I? I have no clue am so tired. I was talking about this with my jelly friends. It's frustrating to me that I can't make myself go away, but if others want me away. There's nothing I can do. When I don't want to be here, I have no choice, unless someone chooses to come to my rescue or knows that I am at a point that I can't continue. I wish I had the choice. Like all the others do I feel like I'm only here when they want me to be here. I feel so small, like I am nothing. Just a tiny speck in a huge world that was not of my making. A world that they know more about than I do. A scary world. I am forced to be in this world, a world that I did not create, a world that I don't want

What do I want out of life? It doesn't matter what I may want. There is a small me, I am not enough to want anything. I am not enough to choose anything. I am just enough to be here to carry on the façade. The one that is a happy together, the caring one. But I am still a very small me. I am the smallest of all

Barb, who is even smaller now than when I started out

Monday night blues

Its Monday night, the mom is going in the hospital tomorrow they are going to run a whole bunch of tests to make sure she'll be able to get through the surgery okay.  I am glad the doctor is being so cautious.  She will have the surgery on Wednesday am not sure what time.  At least the grandmother seems better, and Sheila will be here on Sunday.  It will be good, but I don't know about her being here for 14 weeks.  I love Sheila, but she is very quirky to put it mildly.  And I know I'm quirky, but that's why I live alone in my own house.  So I don't have to subject anyone to my quirkiness.  I just know never to invite somebody else out with us if they happen to be over the house.  That's one thing I know I don't really know how I feel about anything.  Ever since Larissa laid in to me a couple days ago about my weight.  I really been feeling awful.  I was feeling awful anyway, with everything that's going on, but it made it worse I don't think they're telling everybody anything about Anita on purpose they have to know something by now.  It bothers me that she won't see anybody I know it's her right and all but I am so scared that I'm not can see her and all the sudden we are going to hear that she died it doesn't make sense to me that she doesn't have an IV I just think she told them she didn't want one what a waste.  I don't think she had the will to live or to fight what is she have to go home to?  My 83-year-old aunt who I love very much.  She is one of the few in my family that I can say I love without reservation but I know it's hard for Anita having her there and then there is daughter Gina.  Everything revolves around Gina really keeping her from running away getting drugs and not hanging out with thugs doing things to get money for more drugs.  Anita is hold captive her permanent babysitter, but this is again by choice.  They should've kicked her out if it wasn't for Jerry she be in jail right now will not right now.  But she would have been there already maybe that wouldn't change her life?  I don't think Anita felt she had any reason to go back home this is all speculation, of course I'm having those I wish I could stay in bed forever moments impossible I know but I could wish Goodnight to me and my selves

Feeling awful, the current state of affairs

I am so sad was talking to the mom just now. It sounds like from what they told Jerry, that Anita's cancer was all in the lymph nodes. I am not sure, but when Jerry asked. They explained to him that all her lymph nodes are "full" so I am taking that to mean that the cancer is all in her lymph nodes. I am so sad. She's in her early 50s I don't understand why she sat there for months and didn't do anything. I know she scared of doctors and hospitals

Between that my grandma and my mom going to surgery next week. On Tuesday, I am just feeling really overwhelmed those of you that pray please do. I'll probably write more later

Really upset

I am so upset I was looking so forward to going out today. The dad always bugs the crap out of me to make sure Stacy flips the switch down when she uses it to start the auxiliary battery if you don't put it down it will drain the battery down. Well this is the second time he's done it. So I couldn't go anywhere today, Stacy is getting the Sims games for me so I will have them at least.

Larissa made me mad this morning. She said something about my weight, I said I have lost weight which I have because I've been having a hard time eating and she was being real sarcastic, it was because she saw Candy wrappers on the floor. I have told her before I have a problem and not to talk about my weight, I told her that Candy was all I ate that day it was a handful of Hershey's kisses so she's proceeds to tell me how much fat that has (that's just what I needed) I told her again when I lost all the weight before I was starving myself, and making myself throw up. I asked her when is the last time she saw me bring food in the house? That food in my freezer has been there for at least two, then she proceeds to say how I drink cappuccino and one of those have at least 500 calories again just what I needed to hear I told her I have a problem that I'm doing the best I can, I told her she doesn't know what I go through I have flashbacks panic attacks that stems from when my father abused me. So what does she say? She says but I only see him helping you and doing things for you (of course) I said what about your first husband? How was he in front of people? He wasn't like that to you was he? Sometimes she's such a jerk. I think the whole thing started with her saying that my bra was tight and she remembers when she could put it on the tightest one.

It only seems to happen when I'm having the most problems I haven't been eating hardly anything I have lost weight in the last two weeks. And she tells me I'm gaining weight, well that just feeds into everything, I told her I have problems I told her it's in my head I said you know I used to cut myself I have problems she just doesn't know how much it hurts me sometimes and it's always about weight feels like I am still living with my mother.

I told her last week I got coffee and doughnuts and she said oh Barb, like as in how could you. I said don't worry about what I eat worry about what you eat. Well at least she was honest, because she said well I'm trying to deflect it away for myself I don't want to think about what I've been eating. I said oh that's how it goes

,

As I was writing this my mom called to say that my cousin Anita has cancer actually she's my cousin's wife one of her daughters Gina is a drug addict. She is to really she's been taking Xanax for at least 10 years. That's why she wouldn't get another doctor because she knew she wouldn't be able to get her pills. She's been sick since September but she wouldn't go to the doctor. My mom said she is lost 30 pounds in three months. She has three tumors in her lung, they said one of them is really close to her heart. I know it's too late there is not any hope I have a feeling. I don't think it really has sunk in yet

I feel so bad for her husband Jerry he has been wanting her to go to the doctor for months but she wouldn't

Stacy should be back with the game pretty soon will write more later

Have no idea where to start

it's been so long since I've written. I have no idea where I left off or where to start. After all that with Larissa coming Christmas Eve, she misunderstood and she thought I was staying home both days so she made other plans. The food was great. Shrimp and garlic and butter sauce, baked flounder I think that's all I had they had crab legs to, but I hate asking for people to help me. I did tell Dan how I was feeling, called him the ghost brother because as soon as I got there him and and Joe my other brother, started teasing me first about how I sounded my voice apparently there someone that has a very strong New York accent don't remember much but I know I'm switching a lot and using different words because they were teasing me about it. I told Dan that I would think since he only sees me about once every six months that he could try to be nice to me. It's amazing to me that as soon as Dan comes, Joe just joins right in and starts teasing me just like I was a little kid again. I am so incredibly tired of it. I saw my aunt and my cousin so that was nice got some money and two tickets to Universal Studios for when Sheila comes in a few weeks my mom is having surgery on the 10th, I wish so much that she didn't have to have it. The grandma got out of the hospital for the pneumonia but went back yesterday I think it was yesterday the doctor on call said her doctor was over medicating her. He took her off all the medicine, but he's putting on Coumadin now. I wish she would stay with this doctor he is very nice and since the other doctor almost literally caused her death not joking at one point her heart rate went down to 20 beats per minute, you would think she would try someone else but not her, after all he is Italian. what a joke! I feel so alone I found out Marilyn is coming down to have two baby showers for Jodi, but it's only for Jodi's friends so I guess Barbara T. is Jodi's friend? She also informed me that Maryland's only going to be here for two days. Guess that was her way of telling me that I won't be seeing Marilyn considering that I just talked to Marilyn yesterday, I would venture to say that that's a good bet. It really pisses me off though, because this is going to be the second time she's come down in the last five months. She called me when she was here last time to tell me she's not going to be able to see me I didn't even know she was down until I found out from somebody at church so I guess she figured she better call me to tell me she can't see me because she had to see this person or that person. The reason why it makes me mad is I'm the only one that can see her because I can't go to her house so I would think she could make the effort to see me. But I guess she can't I did make a comment to Barbara T. that I'm the only one that doesn't get to see her Oh well life sucks So now I'm bringing in the new year all by myself me myself and I how wonderful sarcasm intended guess I will close now that I'm in a bad mood good time to do it. Happy new year to me frowning