Feeling so down

I am feeling so down and tired. I went to my therapist on Tuesday thinking I had lost about a week of time but when I got home I realized that I had lost a bunch of time I have no idea how much I called her up and started crying. I haven't been eating much at all lately and it scares me because I don't want to.  my hair is getting really thin and dry. I am so scared to try and figure this all out . I don't understand why I have been treating myself so badly. The fear of food is so overpowering, I have been in this battle so long now that I don't even know how to begin to get myself out. I wish I wanted to get myself out,  that would be a start.I don't even remember when food was even an issue in my life. I don't remember how it used to be except that I was huge and I don't want it to get that way again. I remember how hard it was to move how hard it was to get in and out of my chair how hard it was just to get on the toilet, how scared I was that the day would the come  when I just can do it anymore.  

I am terrified to change this, and at the same time I have no idea how to. I am so scared to let anybody close enough to try to help me even myself. I feel like my world is going to collapse and part of the wants that so much. going for now 
Thanks for listening

My lazy sunday

well my sunday was pretty good. woke up at 8 and fed Olsen and took him out then when back to bed till 11:30. Felt really good waking up not tired which is kind of unusual. Went to get me coffee and dough nuts. then watched some tv and read some mail. I know LOL totally boring. 

Man one place says they might total the van i hope not. Glad the parents are taking it well although i know this will be used for many years to come to try to induce guilt in usr. maybe i should record the mom saying its not my fault for future use? really not a bad idea huh? oh well. 

so mad at my brother he is being a total idoit going out with woman now. i told the mom how mad i was and being the Mature woman that she is, she says well Amy is doing the same thing of course i told her i could care less what amy is doing or not doing. My parents are totally enabling him to drink and party. I keep telling the mom that she needs to ask him at least for some money for food. She proceeds to tell me well he really doesnt eat much there and i said well his kids do. I mean he has the grandma doing his laudry and straightening his room. He is not saving any money. i just want to shake him. what about his kids?? He is 37 with 2 children. I have always been worried about his dranking from way back in 88 when i lived with him for a year. No one listened then. I just hope something bad doesnt have to happen for him to change. I can't believe how sick little joe was, when Joe got him on thursday, he had scarelet fever, strep thoat and an ear infection, the doc asked Joe how he got sick so fast, and he told the doc he just picked him up,  later amy told him he was sick since monday. why the heck didnt she take him to the doctor?

then she tells Joe that the animals have no food and water so he better go give them some cause she is going away for the weekend. So Mom goes there and sure enough the cat and dog had not one drop of water or food in their dishes. Plain Cruel
the way they are both acting neither of them deserve those kids, i wish so much i could take care of them.

Please god knock some sense into them

day started bad and ended awesome

Well woke up today feeling awful, just not much energy. canc my trip to church, just didnt feel like being around ppl and in my dont wanna eat mode so easier to be at home. Mad at myself that i am staying home though at the same time.l

well i finally called the number i found for my 8th grade teacher and it was her. so happy, it helped me to know that god does answer prayers, not just anyone elses prayers but MY prayers awesome. So my day ended on a high note, the too much chocolate i ate probably helped. But oh well, My friends Barb's Viney called so lil gurl and seacret were really happy cause they dont get to talk to anyone on the phone usually and its great that they have a friend. We love her very much too
well that about sums up our day. thank you god for answering our prayers and leading us to ellen, you are a wonderful awesome god, we never could call you father like lots of ppl cause that word got too convoluted for us but we know you know that LOL thanks

Ps Mrs. Levine remembered Kelly cause she said is that the girl who know the color of m'n m's by tasting them? I said yup that’s Kelly LOL

first time we have talked in 14 years. just goes to show you how special she was  and is, love you my little friend with a huge heart. hope you save me a spot up there near you

Tired and clutered

hi I am so tired and so down. saw Brianna and Joe for a little bit today. Brianna's eyes are sad. I gave her the second Judy Moody book i bought for her. I put my number inside and told her to call me any time. I feel sad for them, and my brother i feel scared for him. He is thinking of himself, and his needs. He went out with a woman because of his need. I am so angry. I wish i could take care of them. They dont deserve them, those beautiful childen, they will become the next casualities in our so called family. Hating life at the moment and me even more

Voice Post

Voice Post