Feeling so down

I am feeling so down and tired. I went to my therapist on Tuesday thinking I had lost about a week of time but when I got home I realized that I had lost a bunch of time I have no idea how much I called her up and started crying. I haven't been eating much at all lately and it scares me because I don't want to.  my hair is getting really thin and dry. I am so scared to try and figure this all out . I don't understand why I have been treating myself so badly. The fear of food is so overpowering, I have been in this battle so long now that I don't even know how to begin to get myself out. I wish I wanted to get myself out,  that would be a start.I don't even remember when food was even an issue in my life. I don't remember how it used to be except that I was huge and I don't want it to get that way again. I remember how hard it was to move how hard it was to get in and out of my chair how hard it was just to get on the toilet, how scared I was that the day would the come  when I just can do it anymore.  

I am terrified to change this, and at the same time I have no idea how to. I am so scared to let anybody close enough to try to help me even myself. I feel like my world is going to collapse and part of the wants that so much. going for now 
Thanks for listening