pitfalls and standards why the discrepency?

man so full from those stupid chips i dont know why i did that now i don't feel well and i gotta go eat with my friend anne tomorrow. least she is letting me take her to the greek place in stead of that place at Kmart. danm couldnt handle that i dont think. really don't wanna go out tomorrow. Its so nice that anne wants to buy me a dress for easter, but for some reason, I absolute dont feel like wearing a dress its weird, i don't get it really never felt so strongly about what i wear before. Really feels strange to object to something like that. I been tired all day, even though i napped in the afternoon. 

I really was happy when i went to work with Miya yesterday. Christi had told me that i have made a big difference in her behavior. Really  I didnt believe it, i thought Christi was just saying that. yesterday though one of the teachers came up behind me and whispered in my ear that I have done so good with Miya and she is like a different child when i am there. she said she is even polite LOL That really helped me feel good, I have been really working hard with her to have good manners and say please and thank you. she acted up really bad in lunch and when she came out of the locker room from changing. She said I am really sorry for the way i acted in lunch. I thanked her for apologizing that i really appreciate it. 

Its hard for me to think i would have such a positive effect on someone. wow

wish i could have such an effect on myself. How can I be so good to others and not to myself? why dont i feel I deserve goodness? why can i tell Miya she is beautiful just how she is, but not believe that about myself? why do I have a whole different standard for me? why do I expect so much from me, when i would never expect that much from others? wish i knew.

So many questions, but no answers why do i hate me so much? whats so bad about me? 

To be continued
someone here