Just don't know anymore

I dont know, i am so tired of feeling so sad and alone. when will it get better? do I even want it to? So tired of myself every single part of me, want to disappear so much, never have to go out, just stay inside my house. yes i dont wanna be alone, but i also dont wanna be with ppl just wish i could melt away. tired of fighting and not even knowing what i am fighting for. I just feel i am not worth it to fight for. now i am gonna have this compion person 12 hrs a week, she seems really nice, but i dont want to be with anyone especially for 12 hours a week. I wish i wanted to. I wish i was sure that i even want things to be better and not worse. takes so much energy to just be out amongst ppl. Like going to this Tea on sunday, i like seeing carol but that takes so much energy too. to stay grounded and be "the good happy christian girl" to watch everyone keeping someone up front to interacted with "christian" ppl and that can tolerate that. wish i just could stay in my house forever, for Olsen i go out, but even thats so hard, with the cousin yesterday, shopping even so hard. I am a mistake shouldnt have even survived, guess god has a good sense of humor. I should just let the dark ones take over so we won't be dont know what I am fighting for no one will ever see any way tired of fighting this battle with in if ppl really knew who we were they would be very disappointed. I know i am i dont belong any where its hard not to belong wish someone would just take me's away