Still here

how do i make things better? i am at a loss. Olsen is gonna get bored cause haven't done much with him today. don't feel like doing anything wish i did. maybe i will go lay down, not sure when Larissa's is coming, i know i will feel better when i get my hair washed, that always helps. I been thinking about Rocky a lot. i better call Audrey and Ron cause its clear they aren't going to call me. I miss rock lots. I should be glad for the quiet in my head but i am not. The don't have any Sun chips at the convience store, i am addictive to them, i love them wish i had some. miss everyone, wish i had my own family. Lonely always specially when its quiet like now. wish even the phone would ring, something. Its odd how ppl grown up can act so childish, I always try to be honest, I Don't want to hurt anyone but i dont play game's. In my family nothing is ever said directly, its always through someone else that i learn how they feel about me. I don't want it to be that way, but no one ever calls me back, never do they return calls, so mom is my information source for everything and i hate it. I wish they would tell me why they don't think enough of me even to call.  I just feel like a wet rag thats been rung out. wish ppl with just tell me what up, wish i knew why they think so little of me, but i guess i souldnt care. Let them have their childish ways, doesnt mean i have to be the same way
i feel like crying but i can't. I hate it when you have to be perfect for ppl to be happy with you, or what I perceive as perfect, dont rock the boat, don"t say what you believe or what you really feel, and of course never get frustrated with ppl cause then your not perfect right?  no one hears me, not matter how much I scream inside, no matter how much i wish they would, and at the same time scared that they will. well i am not perfect never will be sometimes you gotta say whats on your mind and heart.
If your not careful ppl with just block you out of their life, cause your just not good enough or perfect enough. I will never be what they want some how i have to be good enough for me though I am far from there, so far i get scared lots of times.