FEELING TO MUCH AND NOT ENOUGH

gosh i am not feeling well, I am feeling so many things but yet i am not. I dont understand what is going on right now. I am hurting but then somewhere feeling nothing at the same time, so confused. Feeling like i want to hurt myself, i know I won't just havent felt like doing that so strong in a long time, even though I am feeling like that, my head is so full. at times it doesnt even feel like its connected to my body and my hands dont feel connected either just trying to look at the words coming on the screen. I feel so sad about amy, but dont even understand why, i feel so sad that I didnt mean enough to her i guess, i didnt mean enough for her to pick of the phone or to put herself aside for one second to really listen to me. I am angry that i gave and gave and gave, even paying for her dart rides when she couldnt aford it, which was most of the time. paying for stuff when we went out most of the time, and never was it retured, and frankly, i feel it kinda almost got to be expected or not that, more so taken for granted that if she didnt have i would do it. I dont know, i struggle with this so much this DID I hate it, but its how i am, but yet others aren't but pretend to be? when i told her she should be blessed that she doesnt loose time and is co consious that she was further along at least in that area. what does she do? she gives reasons why she is not futher along. I always feel happy when ppl tell me i am improving, it brings me joy, because there is so many times i feel so bad and want to give up so much. But amy? she wants to be DID and not ddnos? she wants to be a dxed as a "true multiple" with 150 insiders? and feels its stupid that she would be dxed as ddnos?  i am so incredibly confused. WHY????  I don't want to live this way, i dont want to be this way, and I dont want things to haunt me, I dont want to accept that the psycho dad is that psycho that he almost ended Seacets life MY life, that he burned someone that he burned me my face. I was told it was a birth mark by him, so now i see it on my face and i see it happen over and over i hear my cries and now i am crying my tears on the outside how do i live with this. how do I look at the birth ppl and know this? Did you come close to being killed amy????? did you get burned on your face by you dad amy? did you get sufficated amy, did your dad have sex with you amy and you couldnt cry cause if you did even more pain would come? what is your trauma amy??? tell me what is it? do you want it to be worse than this amy? is this not even bad enough for you?

I am hating you so much at this moment amy  

How do I live with this knowledge? I wish i wasnt here right now. wish someone was here to hug me and say it will be ok i feel like my heart is going to explode  I dont want to be a "true multiple" amy, but I would rather be that, than be as sick as you amy
help me some how to get through this please 

hi to me's my sunday and probably more too

Isnt life grand?  well update ok. I did get my puter back thank you mama saprono and christi. and of course god too. been missing quite a bit of time as of late great, i love that LOL I did have an awesome time friday at church they had a musical show it was wonderful. told ppl i should get an award for the best sit down dancer LOL I swear i wish i could walk only to be able to dance then i would just go in my chair. I would love to be able to dance. i do have rythem very good for a white girl if i do say so myself, although just cause I am white on the outside i know lots aren't that way on the inside, it has been hard as of late because i am very much aware of my blackness its just hard to hear it actually coming out of my mouth, it just sounds so much different on the outside 

one of the van drivers asked him i was mixed cause he said i sounded black, i told him what a good friend said to me that i am ethinically inriched, and he said yes you are. its so hard because the voice is actually so different, which i didnt realize till extremely recently, I was inside saying just stop this i can stop talking this way, i am doing it on purpose but i couldnt stop talking that way because it wasnt me doing the talking and its just so hard

when i was 7 my mom actually had me evaluated by the speech therapist cause of how i was talking, and she told her i was using "black lingo" little did i know it was an insider. I been thinking why they were created and for one, until we moved to FL, i wasnt around lots of ppl that were black and two "the family" is extremely predidest   altough they would never admit that, they would just wait and talk behind ppls backs and even being 7 it hurt me so much, cause l really loved my friends and the ppl that helped me at school so i think that played a big part in why they were created that way. it was a way of me standing against them and saying that I am that way too and i dont care if you dont love me or that you judge me. all ppl are ok with me even if you dont like them, I have some inside that are spanish, and still can't figure out the one that speaks her own language, its so weird all the sudden these sounds come out of my mouth that sound like jibbish to me, i really dont get that.

the eating is not good for the last few days, wish that didnt make me so happy, yes i am fucked up i know back to school tomorrow to my kids, love them, and i pray i can give them some joy , even if it is just for a few hours, when they smile i just feel so wonderful, and thats one of my purposes in this fucked up world we live in, one of my missions in live so for now  god thank you for giving me my pain so i know where they are and can love them inspite of what they may show on the outside to survive I know cause i am them too
my crowd

my relaxing wedensday

I have been in bed most of the day-today watching TV actually one of my most favorite things to do I did get my computer back. Well not quite yet. My ex sister in law Christy has it she said Brian didn't say one word to her he didn't even apologize. Nothing came out of his mouth Christie took the opportunity to tell him how wrong she thought it was though. tomorrow, I am going to the middle school early, because Christy wants to have lunch with me. My companion Stacy is going to pick me up from there, that way I can get the computer at the same time. Larissa is going to buy it it will be nice to have some extra money. I talked to my therapist about going to the trauma unit again. She hadn't called yet because for some reason she didn't get my e-mail with the number on. It probably had something to do with switching from MSN and AOL on my part, who knows any way she is going to call. There's just no way I could decide anything or even start to decide unless i know if Olsen can come with. I mean, I could leave him home with somebody. But I would really feel like such a big part of the was missing its so different with Olsen. I mean, I really feel like he's part of me I never felt like that with Rocky I don't understand why I still feel guilty about that. I love Rocky, but it's not that deep down love. I just wouldn't feel like me without him. And that's saying a lot for someone that is multiple will see what happens.

I've been thinking about something

I am going to ask Christy, if she would mind if I said she was my sister. I don't like saying EX sister-in-law, and I don't like saying she is my friend because she is more then that she was married to my brother Dan for 10 years. But even before they got married we would go places together me and her I didn't bother her in the least that I was in a wheelchair. I am very perceptive and even if someone acts like they don't care I can always tell if they mean what they say. She is the closest thing to family that I have ever had. She really cares about me and loves me and I don't have to do one thing. I just have to be myself. I don't have to give her one thing. She just loves me because

I have been kind of down I have to remind myself about the things I have in life. Like Christy my friends my church. My therapist, and of course my Olsen. I really do love my chair to LOL. It is a great chair the best one I ever had. I think I've had it for about five years now. It is nice to be so comfortable and it is nice to be a speed demon if I want to be LOL and I love my laptop it's awesome. Oh well I guess that's enough rambling for now

Goodbye to me myself and I

.

why am I still up?

well i

wasn't going to write but a lot happened where to start Thursday I went to get the certified for my housing my rent only is going up 30 dollars so I am really glad about that also they said that I can paint my condo in colors. I am so happy this means so much to me, because in living 17 years on my own in government housing. You're not allowed to paint in color I have always had white or biege walls I am so thrilled now the trick is to figure out what color to use, I know it is hard for everyone. But when you're multiple that's my friend Melissa says OYE LOLmy mother called Brian's wife she said that Brian said. He taking 200 dollars so far for the computer with money orders. My mom asked if she saw the receipts she said no. But that he was coming home tonight. My mom told her that tomorrow. She wants you to need my brother with a computer or the check because he had told my brother that he would come to my house on Saturday which is tomorrow I don't wanna see. I can't believe I could lie like that. Even when he's caught he is still lying its amazing to metoday I checked my bank account I only had 88 dollars in there I couldn't believe it when I listen to the debts on the phone. There was one for hundred dollars the only bill that I had that was exactly that amount was for a credit card that was on auto pay but I close the account two months ago. Sure enough, when I called them. They were still deducting the money. They are sending it 200 dollars, I can't believe that they would be deducting money from a closed account that is scary no wonder I'm so short of money last month, but that's not really anything new, because I lose so much time lots of times, I don't know where the money goes. I'm just glad this time it actually is working in my favor for a change. LOL oh well, I have a bad headache. I am going to go to bed good night to me

when to the T switching lots there and lots since. Head feels really wet spoungy is the best way i can describe it. but good news, i told mom that i remembered for sure that brian's wife works for a dollar general store and what town. Its really weird how much details i can remember about things but when it comes to my life and facts its so hard any way she got in touch with his wife and he told her that he paid me most of the money and she told the mom that she has had problems with him not being truthful with her in the past and she apologized and is going to make plans with mom to bring it back so who knows i still have a chance to sell it and get money wish is great. it was so hard it T today, I know something bad happened to part of me, i know and its so hard to know, the psyco dad was theatening me to stay quiet he had a lighter and he actually burned my face with it and said if i didnt stay quiet he would burn us up and no one would ever find us; I am trying to stay disconnected I dont know who inside actually was there but as i type my  face is hurting  and it really feels like a burn. I always though it was a birth mark, thats what the parents said it was I havent asked the T if she ever called the trauma place i am too scared too, I just dont feel strong and i feel me and a few others here are in the minority in that we want to live, that is so scary and i don't know whats driving the others to have the position they do that life isnt for us, its scary and its draining and hard to keep going, to keep the good face the "normal" face the face that everyone wants to see, the face that i feel more and more is nothing but a lie, that I myself are a lie someone put here to hide the darkness that is within, what I truly am.
I ate pizza today and I am doing better than i thought and my stomach feels ok not queezy or anything although my stomach is  hurting a lot and i won't go into that any further which i am sure ppl would appreciate LOL

Have to take Olsen for a check up tomorrow. nothing is wrong just routien. I saw the funniest movie, fun with dick and Jane its halirious LOL any way going to get ready for bed
Barb and US

want to put this poem here for ppl to see if they want so you will know how crazy we really are:

 hear us good angel

 

no where to go

no one to see

no one is free

no one is good

no one is understood

no one to care

no one to fly

up to the sky

we can't go

take us please

so we will be free

we dont know who we are

doesn't matter how far

we are not meant for this earth

please show us the way back

up past the clouds

up past the sun

where everything is undone

that is our place where we belong

take us please take us

then we will be free to fly

like it was meant to be

 

please our angel set us free

 

Jorget12 writing for the light girls

we don't feel like we belong here, we don't fit in anywhere. have you ever thought that maybe somewhere a made? It is so hard to feel like you don't belong anywhere to anyone in any place and thats How I feel never have I really had a strong connection to a mother or father, I always wonder what that must be like. To be able to come home from school and not dread it and wonder what the night will bring. If I will be left in peace, if i will find food to eat when everyone is asleep.  what chaos will happen, because there always is some. what will I do wrong this time? will i get a chill and my body shake and she will say your doing that for attention, and i will think and say silently "no i just got cold for a second thats all" maybe you said i wanted attention because you know you didnt give me any? maybe because i was totally alone. no one to ask me how my day was or if i had home work or even if i needed anything. If i was was worried about an exam there was no one to tell, you just knew that you were expected to do well in school because that is the Only good attention you ever got and it was only for a moment a few times a year. never have I ever felt i was good enough for anyone to love because I was never good enough for the ppl i was born to.  I wish i could disappear. the only thing that saves me is Olsen, he gives me so much love so if he does then i must be loveable.  but he wont be here for long never long enough no matter how long it will be
why am i here? please tell me just in a funk i guess its hard not to feel connected to another person though, I love my olsen and i shouldnt complain cause maybe lots of ppl dont feel connected to anyone but they don't even have a doggie so i will stop complaining
hope we can sleep, have strong doubts though
someone and many thoughts from many

 

good morning to me's

well i slept pretty good, beth is on her way over i went to hess and got me a large ice coffee   write more later

Me again who??

wow didnt realize how late it is till i looked at the time. Church was ok had a better time than i thought, the seekers which is my usual class was off so went to another one. they were there pretty fast to pick me up which was great, i ended up sleeping the majority of the day away and really still very sleepy. was suppose to go out with beth to Bay Walk tomorrow or today i mean but just didnt feel like going, for those who don't know Bay walk is down town has a huge movie theater and shops and all the rest. Beth is coming here instead told her i was too tired, i know this sounds bad but i wish she wasnt coming, not because i dont want to see her but i would so much rather stay in bed. any way, still feeling funky, so glad Ruthie is home, hope she will continue to improve and not get discouraged. gonna go to sleep hope everyone is doing ok

why am i sad??

Hi again i found this program called Izoom i am using the trail version i am hoping it will just let me reinstall it when the trail runs out i really like it, it has speech too and the trail is fully functional, missed lots of time again today my head hurts too i know i didnt eat good but after yesterday i freaked. I am really tired in one of my moods where ifeel like hibrinating. i wish i was looking forward to church. I miss the days when i was so excited to be there. oh well. I really like my new glasses a lot. the mom had the wrong Brain to send the registered letter to. I can not believe he could be so mean i dont understand. i wish i would feel better I miss Barb NLN so much Viney. I am not going to reach out again though. I said what i did because i cared for her and i didnt deserve her anger, but I miss her so much but i dont want to apologize for caring about her and if i have to watch everything i say what kind of friendship is that? i could say i didnt mean what i said, but that wouldnt be true. I am worried about her weight being so low and her taking diet pills and if i go back into the friendship, it would only be a matter of time till she gets mad at something else, its happened twice. I miss her so much though and Seacret and Lil gurl are so sad and they dont understand why this happened even though we tried to explain. I love you Barb NLN where ever you are, tears falling 

I hope you will reach out to me i pray for that, but I need to be real with my friends I have worked to hard its part of moving forward. I pray you will be safe and happy 
Have been feeling so disconnected from everyone I wish i didn't feel the need to test ppl. dont know if thats a healthy thing to do? but everyone wants to know that their thought of and cared about. I can't keep all friendships going, it has to be give and take and i just dont have much to give anymore. I can not believe i havent heard from Marilyn and Carol. It hurts so much. Mary Gettmann is not coming back to the church I am so sad about that. she is one person that never calls, but i know she cares, just like i know in my heart that Marily and Carol care, but is it wrong to want to be thought of? is it wrong to wish they would call me? to hope for that so much? Is it not a reasonable expectation for me to have?  I am feeling so sad
good night

tired sad and confused

Hi its me again, had a long day. Stacy took me to get Olsen's bath, I dropped him off and we went to borders to me JoAnn (My support coordinatior) she is so nice i wish she could be my companion. then went to Target, bought an outfit. then got Olsen and went to see the movie wicker man, totally weird and mel gibson dies at the end totally strange move but kept you thinking. them home and i had Micky d's shocked but good. as for the rest of the night and what the heck i been doing? everything is a blurr feeling very sad but dont know why good night

My sad thursday

Really don't know where to start did not sleep really good. So was tired when I woke up took Olsen out went back to sleep for a while. Woke up about 10 I took Olsen outside to brush him it was so humid even though the sun was not out sweat was just dripping off me Larissa came and I went to the school Billy who was in the fight on Monday got arrested today. I don't know what for they took him away in handcuffs. I'm glad I didn't see it. He's only in sixth grade his home life is awful. It's amazing he even comes to school it makes me so sad. Some of these kids will never have a chance and it is not their fault. All they see as violence it is the only thing they know. Times like this are when I feel so helpless about our world. I am just filled with sadness right now for Billy and for all the kids and for the kid I was and still are. The ones that are crying so loud inside that I feel I will burst into tears any moment I am dictating with voice right now.

I was supposed to go out with Stacey

Sorry this is such a downer of a post I think I'll stop now because I'm not feeling any better

, but I wasn't feeling good at all. Really I'm still not, I have a headache and my stomach feels queasy and I am not firmly planted. I am Thinking I didn't have enough water today. I forgot to bring my water bottle with me when I went to school I am having that stupid heat stuff again. I thought it was over, why can't anything ever be over? I told the psycho dad about Brian. He is always telling me to let him call this person or that person that he wants to help. So what do you think happened when I told him? He said, it's only money let it go. Now, does anybody understand why I have all these problems? I debated for weeks whether to tell him I didn't want to unleash him on anybody. Because I thought he would be so angry and what does he do? tell me to forget it. It took me for ever to pay off the computer. it is Not like I have a lot of money. I just don't understand when I think I have him figured out. When I think maybe I can predict what he will do. He said something like this. My brother wants a computer and he was saying to the mom that they should buy one for him. I just don't understand. Not that I want him to pay for my computer. Not at all, because I don't want to owe him anything but why would he offer to buy my brother a computer? He's made a mess of his life is living with them for at least the fourth time they're doing everything for him and he wants to buy him a computer and I paid all my bills and he tells me it's only money let it go? I don't understand

a good day my first day back at the middle school

I had a good day today.  In fact, I had the best day, I have had in over a week.  I woke up at nine fed Olsen and took him out took my morning meds and went back to sleep.  I woke up at 11 and I felt so good.  I went to the middle school gosh.  Its so much better in there lots of the kids were eighth graders So they went to high school, what a change before you could feel tension as soon as you went into the room totally different.  Thank goodness and now that I'm going later in the day.  I have more to do last year When I got there it was almost the kids free time, then it was lunch then Miya had her gym class, then it was almost time for me to leave.  So I would do a lot of sitting well I guess I should clarify that.  I always doing a lot of sitting LOL.  I mean, I was parked with nothing to do.  Miya was great there's a little boy in there named Julian he has Down's syndrome.  He needs somebody to work with him one-on-one so he will stay on task.  He so cute.  At first he was really scared of Olsen but by the time I left he was petting him and dropping stuff for him to pick up I decided to go there on Mondays to instead of going to the church.  I never thought I'd say this about that school and the kids but it will be a lot less stressful there then with the kids at the church I came home and Stacey picked me up we went in Clearwater mall.  I got Olsen nails done went to Borders for awhile.  I bought Brianna a Journal I don't know if she'll use it but I'm going to tell her  it's for her to write whatever she wants in it and it's private.  Just for her eyes.  I want know that it's OK to have private thoughts and write them down.  I think it is important, especially in this family, it is something I want her to know early. the two books that she wanted came today in the mail she is going to be so excited they are going to be at the moms on Wednesday.  I told her not to tell Brianna that I am coming this way she will be surprised I have been wanting to see Star the moms Greyhound.  I loved him.  I call him my little fawn because he looks like a baby deer to me.  He is so gentle.

 

I needed this day, it was such a good one over and out

 

Barb of BJ's crowd

 

Don't give up you will go further, don't give up you will see through the storm, don't give up you will have light in the darkness. I won't give up till I find out who I am.

Bj's crowd

I should be in bed already oh well

well today went out with our paid companion Stacy, it was ok I bought three movies. the chronicles of Narnra, for the love of winn dixie and prozac nation. they have them cheap at this place at largo mall called movie stop i love that place. so then we went to see a movie called accepted it was about a boy that didnt get accepted to college so he made his own, totally unrealistic of course but it was pretty funny, almost fell asleep a few times but not because of the movie just from lack of sleep. dont remember what i did most of the rest of the day after getting back home cept i know i tooked to a friend on the phone. I hate not remembering. tomorrow is my first day back with the Kids at the middle school. I think it will be better for me because the teacher wants me to come between 2 and 4 cause thats when she needs the most help. I am glad because when i would get there last year it was close to their free time, then it was lunch (total madhouse) then it was Miya's gym  class so i did lots of sitting not doing that much 

wish me luck and for those that pray, pray that i sleep thanks
us and others mixed in

my eyes and other stuff

I hope I will be able to sleep tonight I went to get my eyes checked today even though my right eye was really bad very blurry they couldn't make it any better. Going up on the prescription didn't help my left eye was really good. I didn't need a change on that lens I am thinking. I must just automatically look with my left eye, since it is stronger? Maybe lack of use made the right eye so bad? It kind of scares me. Just because I knew two years ago, that I can see clear with my glasses. Even with my right eye. Oh well, I found some frames, I really liked Medicaid will pay for the thin lenses the doctor just has to write medically necessary and it will cost an extra 99 dollars to get the transition lenses that will be my birthday gift from the parents I am really tired it's been three nights of very little sleep I don't know what the problem is I haven't had the bad heat sensation in quite a while, but today was really bad. When I woke up from a nap I ate good today. It seems when I do it just goes right through me. I am actually hungry and I ate a lot more than usual. I don't get this. I pray they don't screw up on my ride again better go to bed I am always tired I am going to go take extra meds to start with. Instead of getting up two hours from now and doing it. Like I have for the past three nights.

Goodnight to me myself and I

It's about time I write it's been forever. I wish I felt better. I hope everything goes better for me tomorrow I'm going to try to go to a different class. I really don't want to. I used to love it there it used to be fun. I used to laugh and learn at the same time I'm afraid to speak now tension triggers so many other things inside. It feels like a burden I even feel fear I know there's nothing to be afraid of, and that's coming from another place. But I still feel it. The fact that I told Brad I was feeling so bad that I was drowning and he hasn't even talked to me about it just plain hurts he totally ignored it therefore ignored me did he think this was easy for me to say? I wish It could be like before, where there could be laughter and smiles. Not tension and for me not fear I don't have energy to hide from some of the only people that I didn't have to hide from from, the people I felt truly did care. But now they are the people that want to stay in their head where it is safe where there doesn't have to be feelings where there doesn't have to be caring. I feel so lost to them and to myself when I am with them whats going to happen to me. How much more will I sink only to be quiet to myself alone, as it was. And I think needs to be, I wish I could disappear. It would be easier, less painful. Maybe some people are meant to be by themselves meant to stay quiet meant to suffer in silence. Maybe we are those people, maybe this proves that and we should have stayed that way all along silence is safer less painful to take the chance and speak and not be heard is like torture to us. We will keep the wall up now never to speak our pain again like it was and should have stayed.

Forever silent forever distant forever closed the wall will stay. It is strong again, reinforced better than before, we are forever changed but never to be changed again. Please give us strength to remember in the beginning. Why the wall was there and why it must be again

catching myself up on me self

Okay I know it's stupid.  But why can't she just leave me alone?  Yesterday, she was in front of my window, and I just went out to take Olsen, and there she was in front of my door.  I know she's annoying purposely, I don't bother her, I make no secret that I don't like use or her but I leave for alone 

The beginning of that post was a couple of days ago. The next day when I saw her. I asked her why she continues to park in front of my door and window when I asked her not to the first thing she said was a didn't know I was. I said you didn't know you were sitting in front my door at 1130 last night when I came out to walk Olsen? Then she said that it was a common area. I said to find my door and window are not your common area. And if I have to I will talk to the board. Well actually that was the last thing I said Durst, she said it was only one time. I said what about when you were part on my window? Why can't you just do what I asked why do you have to make a big deal out of it? That's when she said it was a common area. I said no it isn't. And you know the rest she said she would try her best, I said you better off some when she said fuck you as I was driving way. I told her to say her bad words to someone cares LOL.

Now for what else has been going on. If I could remember on Thursday, I was watching TV like usual and all the sudden everything in the entertainment center when off including the TV. It happened once before, and all I have to do is jiggle the WIRE, but this time it wouldn't work. I was hoping Larissa would fix it. She moved the wire, and I didn't come on, but instead of just leaving it that she proceeds to tell me that it's not possible for wire to come loose that it was against physics. I said to her, are you saying that I am lying? She said its just not possible. So I guess she was anyways, I think it was Friday that the mom and dad were coming back from their other house. They stopped by, well it turns out the elements in the plug was burned so I am lucky that there wasn't a fire. The dad went to get a new plug and fixed it which reminds me. I forgot to call the maintenance people I want them to check all the plugs.

I tried to e-mail the trauma unit in Texas. I am considering going there. I wanted to asked them if I could bring Olsen with me. Anyway the e-mail that I sent came back saying fatal error I clicked on the link right on the site where to the address right in the e-mail. I don't know what happened, and too nervous to: the phone. I wasn't even for sure if it's something that I wanted to do, but it would help me make a decision tremendously if I did know that Olsen could come with me so I don't know.

Off some about all I did write awesome letter to my cousin that I will probably put on here somewhere, because I am proud of myself I think I did good.

SAD sad sad

feeling so sad wish i could cry so many and much of me's are hurting. No one knows, and we are sad too cause our friend carol hasn't called us the whole summer and only email once. just so disconnected and feeling so uncared about, but knowing that she does care. Its just hard cause its like because she is not here, i dont exist but again thats just my feeling and not reality but it hurts so much her not calling cause I did leave a message once that i was thinking about her. Just feeling so sad about the whole sunday school situation, which i am pretty sure i wrote another entry about but not sure, too tired to go over it tho so will check my entries sometime and see if i have explained it.

worried about my Brother Joe, have just been having a horrible feeling that he is going to have a car accident. for those that may not know, sometimes I see things or have feelings about things that eventually have come to happen. I have been pushing it down, trying not to think about it, because I have never felt or seen something about someone i care about. The mom also has this ability and i finally told her about it, and started crying. She told me that on March first, he was pulled over by a cop at 1 am, his tag and lic was expired, because his b day is feb 13. well the cop said he smelled alcohol on his breath. well he said to the cop, i dont know how to bring this up but my cousin is Jerry Stramiello, (he is a cop) so he said your Stams cousin? he said yeah, so the cop didnt charge him with DWI just for the expired tag and Lic. and made him take a cab home. 

the mom didnt tell me this before, so any way i am hoping and praying this is why i been having this horrible feeling, and that nothing worse is in his future, he is not the brother that i know anymore and i am so sad, cause i loved him and he is the only one in my immediate family that i have love for any he loved me. I do love the mom, but  its not the same cause I dont really love her cause she is my mom, just cause i know she suffered in her life possibly more so than me, but that i will never know, because i dont think she can reach that info for her self.

the brother i knew is gone, and i feel a part of me is gone with him

well i survived

well its over thank goodness, was nice seeing Sr. Mary and her friend Shirley. course the psycho dad had to sit next to me and it was a small table so I was so uncomfortable, but i held it together no thanks to anyone else in here. He put his arm across the back of my chair which I hate, so I told him he was invading my space. I asked Sr. Mary to pray for my brother Joe because he is in bad shape. The psycho dad says "my Joe? in bad shape?" I said yes he is, and he was like saying he was fine just having a hard time so then that subject was ended. I hate him, the world can be crashing down and he doesnt want know one to know so he just ends the conversation. any way gotta get up early tomorrow, or someone does cause its NOT gonna be me so if no one chooses to be here in the morning i am staying it bed at home just telling you all so you know thats for inside of course
Barbara

Barbara the throw out

its me Barbara now I realize my purpose in here. when no one wants to deal with people around here they somehow throw me out to do it for them.  they know we're going with parents tomorrow, some now they just throw me out to deal with all the hard stuff, dealing with this is the parents so that's my purpose that's what I'm here for now? You all stink I hate every  single one of you. I don't have the energy to do this I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna go tomorrow if it was just the Sr. mary I would love to. you all say that I am weak, if I am so weak why let me deal with them? I am depressed,tired sad and someone puts me here  the night before we go I hate all of you. going to sleep now

do you really want to know the truth, or want me to say what i know makes you happy?

ok have to vent aggggrrrhhh ok Larissa calls me all happy, she went to the glamor shots place, has a free makeup thing to get her picture taken, which i know is a way to get you in there to buy prints so that was last week, well she called just now all excited that the manager of the place wanted to blow up one of her pictures to use in the store for advertising, so i was like are they going to pay you? she says no, they are just going to keep it in the store for a month. they told them it cost them 1000 dollars to make the picture (yeah sure) and if she wants to take it home after that she has to pay 80 percent of their cost to make the picture which is 200 dollars. so I was like Larissa thats a lot of money and all they have to do its put it on the computer and blow it up, they have their own studio, So she said "you are making me upset" I said why? cause i was excited and you are just like my mother (LOL) every time i happy she says something, i said Larissa i just dont want ppl to take advantage of you and thats a lot of money. so she said its ART and painting (BS) 

But its fine when she telling me i have gained a lot of weight? i am sick of ppl they ask what you think and you tell them, and if they dont like what you say they want to hang up? maybe her and my grandmother and her should get a room together?  I wasn't trying to hurt her, but these ppl know when someones and easy mark. 

i am so friggin aggrivated. gee can't wait to be with the parents tomorrow give me strength, i am feeling an inpending explosion

Another tired Sunday

here I am again I went to church Sunday school was boring. I'd talk to one of the new people that was in our class that I really like I don't think she's gonna come back we were discussing the divinci code the leader of our group is so  closed minded she said she was gonna look for another Sunday school class I'm gonna try to convince her to come back because we need another open minded person in their sides me LOL Jim doesn't realize that his attitude is a real turn off sometimes. when a person thinks he has all the answers he is in trouble at least that's my feeling. he has a little boy what's going to happen when a little boys grows up and starts to get a mind of his own when his mind will not fit in Jim's little neat box. where there's only right and wrong no maybe? Part of the reason our classes to dwindling is because of his close mindedness.

enough of that. I am not feeling really good it again. just real tired I really don't know how I am gonna make it through the whole week to come. Then on Tuesday being with parents all day I am really worried about that. I wish I knew how to make myself feel better. I haven't got much e-mail today that always makes me feel disconnected I am going to lay down maybe I will write more later 
who knows who

me again

frustrated with me's what else is new? I am hungry wish i wasnt such an idiot, i have switching i hate the mood changes its like i dont know how to feel, i have no idea how singletons can possibly feel all the things at onece? sometimes we feel such strong emotions someone can feel such sadness and someone else can be totally happy, how can you feel things all at once i really dont understand how ppl are able to do that, just as singletons can't understand how things are for us, but its so frustrating, how can ppl here even decide if they want to be more together when it feels so forien to us? its like asking singletons to be multiple that wouldnt be a possibility and its not like we would ever say oh yeah you should definately be multy its awesome. I mean it sucks but being single can suck too so how do you handle it? there are some in side that can't stand others, want to be their own person, but that can never be. so how do you make this existance be ok? How can We be happy this way? thats why some of us just want to stop. stop being because we feel we can never be totally free in this life, i dont think there ever can be true peace within so what is the benifit of being here this way? this way stinks and its the only way we know and feels like its too hard to be different we just dont know how. i am so tired of this war within, and frankly really the world at large sucks I feel there is no solution, no way to make it better no way to be happy not like this.  it feels impossible to live this way and it possible to live any other way i am feeling so hopeless about us our world inside and the world outside really doesnt give me much to want to stay around for. just rambling going to keep this private not for "friends" eyes dont want anyone to freak, but i mean these are valid questions and points aren't they? I need something to hold on for, a reason to try, something to strive for that i truly think is possible, because right now? i dont feel like things will get better within there is too much fighting and chaos and feelings and everyone is different. good night for now my warriors, wish i didnt see you's all in the morning that would make me truly happy

feeling awful

gosh I was sitting watching tv and this horrible sadness came to me and I have no idea why. I feel like crying but i dont know why. I feel so tired and cloudy. dont know whats wrong, I just am feeling so much like i want to stop and give up. I dont know why I just know I do. feeling so alone. so lost without purpose. dreaded next week being at the bible school, i want to i always enjoy it but the thought of going some where everyday seems impossible at this moment going to go lay down

first yesterday, then today

OK I had a huge post yesterday and it went poof at the last minute so I will start with yesterday 

I was getting ready to go to dawn on Tuesday when my grandmother called. I  very rarely call her because she always complains actually that's all she does. she is 89 and still drives a car, she can walk better than my mother and she takes no medication. anyway I called her back last night against my better judgment. she said oh you finally called me back. I pretended I didn't hear her and said what? She said oh nothing. then she proceeds to launch into something that happened between her and my father over a year ago. I told her I didn't want to here it that I called to talk to her. he kept on talking about it I told her again that I didn't want here it. so as expected she started to use her manipulative tears, said that I was upsetting her and good night. she will probably be mad at me for the rest of her life I know it will sound mean but I really don't care I am so tired of her not being grateful for what she has. 

On a happier note Seacret brought her picture to dawn, She really liked it.  Seacret stayed out  the whole hour. she seems really sad which is unusual for her. we did a lot of cleaning and organizing last night that always makes me feel really good.

now for Thursday 

I went to see one of my doctors no big deal there. One of the online groups that I am  on for eating disorders someone wrote that they decided to kill themselves they've made this decision I got so angry and I wrote that it was a very selfish thing to do that I hope she gets help and realizes what it would do to others if she did such a selfish act . someone else wrote and told me to back off, said I needed to be more loving and understanding LOL I hate when people say they're gonna kill themselves online it is so manipulative and mean. they know everybody is at vurerable place.

I am really tired it's been a long day and a very hard day signing out for now
    

My tuesday

ok lets see, i went to the T with no coffee in the system not a good move LOL i am still tired even tho i slept when we got home, but i am jumping ahead. So went there Seacret gave the T the picture she made for her and was there the whole time, thats ok, we think she was sad and maybe that helped but i dont know she still seems pretty sad, which is unusual for her. any way so we asked the driver Brian if he would drop us off at the mall in stead of taking us home so it worked out good he had someone to pick up real close to us so he picked us up at 3 and brought us home its only 5 min from the mall. so we bought a shower head cause the one we had sucked, and we bought the kids some cheap coloring books that they love already. we also bought this speech recognition program from dragon its the best software  for this kinda stuff and they had a cheap one so we bought it, cause we been using the voice in stead of typing lots so this will be better than what came with the puter but still no expensive. we did ask brian about when he is going to pay us the money he owes us, he bought our desktop puter and still owes us 340 and he's had the puter for at least two months and hasnt said much about paying us and we got a big credit card bill so we want and need that money, any way he said he will give it to us "shortly" OK...

we are going to take Olsen for his bath tomorrow, we had made an appt for thurday, but then remembered we had a doctors appt and friday we have a meeting so any way they said we could come tomorrow. Actually i am pretty proud of us cause we been doing really good saving money, we were able to pay our dentist 100 dollars towards what we owe him.

we are really tired. the parents came back tonight from NY and our van is finally fixed so they are going to bring it here tomorrow and just drive to where we are at the mall to bring the Keys. On friday we are going to meet a lady named Voilet who if we like her will be our next companion so wish us luck there.  really not feeling to great, head hurts, dont think we drank enough water today, but oh well going to get ready for bed
someone here

another friday

Another Friday I cleaned the house a little bit threw away some papers always feel better when I do that I got the bill for my shorts that I got a few weeks ago. Oh top too, pretty cool getting an outfit for $1.00 LOL that will probably never happen again in less I go to the thrift store that would even be hard to pull off in a  thrift store would imagine. I am not feeling really good today, my head hurts my stomach hurts I'd just feel blah. Larissa came, so I got my hair washed she did the floor and change my bed. and the man came to put a battery in my smoke alarm thank the lord. no more chirping. I've been saying I was gonna lay down all day but I haven't. I am glad nobody's coming here tomorrow it scares me how happy that makes me. it bothers me that I don't wanna do anything. I am so glad to have a dog that likes me no matter what. HE loves me even if I never say a word. I even think he knows how I feel even if I don't say anything. I love this creature but I feel I don't even Deserve him someties. I feel so lost and  I don't even know what from. how come I can be doing so well and then fall so far that I never think I'm gonna get up again? it happened so fast but then it didn't. it's like I always have to outrun the darkness within. does everybody have to do that all the time?  does everybody have this much pain inside them? Will there ever be the day when I can stop running and enjoy who I am? will there be a day that I can stand still? Will there be day when I won't have to outrun my tears? will the day come that I will feel like I did nothing wrong? will the day come that I won't  have to outrun my rage or even worse deny it's  there at all? Maybe I'm asking too much? I am so tired of running yet too scared to stand still. what is the solution to that? is there one? Thanks for listening 
from many

this day sucked basically

I am so tired of this fricking drama. the aide was suppose to come do the laundry well she kept doing other things she finally came brought the stuff we needed from the store but she didnt feel like doing the laundry, which we could care less about except for the fact that we didnt want to be bothered tomorrow, the stupid guy finally called about the damn alarm and he is going to come early in the morning which is fine it would only take him a min to put a new battery in that thing but now the aide has to come back and no one is in the mood to deal with anyone especially her. any way sorry for being pissy

The Angry One, from the front place

feeling so bad physically and mentally

gosh i dont know whats going  on i know some of the little ones are really sad and someone is crying i think. I know i lost lots of time at dawn's and just havent felt good since.  really i feel like i want to cry but i dont know why. I made an appt friday to take olsen for a bath but i am going to canc it my inside is taking up to much energy and i dont have any to spare, I HATE when this happens cause it makes me feel so "not normal" I am really tired and sleepy, have a bad headache and stomach is all queezy. I dont understand why i can eat junk food and be ok but it seems when i try to eat regular food i feel so sick and end up throwing up, i mean its not that i make myself, it happens even if i dont want to and even if i don't eat lots of food, but i can eat a pint of ice cream or bag of chips and be fine i just dont get that. I just feel like a fat cow i know that though 

also my stupid smoke alarm keeps beeping like every 30 seconds cause the battery is low, i called mant. this morning at 9 am and left a message and no one called or came yet. the damn beep is driving me crazy. i just dont even feel like talking or interacting with anyone, its taking all i have just trying not to get lost in my head. sometimes i feel if i surrender to them i wont be able to find my way out, it seems that happens sometimes where i just almost can't function, but this is different cause i feel if i let that happen i dont know, its like there is a sense of dread and fear thats the different part i think.

Maybe i am crazy after all? god i dont want to see larissa tomorrow, she is coming to do laundry and i asked her to bring me some stuff from the store
give me strenght, give me peace give me calm please

who the hell knows who we are?

My stupid self

I am really frustrated with me. i didnt do anything except sleep and watch my neighbors son who is sick, i am just frustrated about my eating, but i guess not enough to change anything.  i am hungry but will i eat no i am an idiot do i care? sometimes i just dont understand myself with this. but what i do understand about it scares the crap out of me. i had a scoop of ice cream today that was it. I am tired, I am in a battle, the logical part that says you stupid jerk, you should value yourself enough to treat your body good. the illogical me that says i will just am to fat right now, when i loose enough weight i will do right, like i know how. I dont wanna go any where yes i wanna save money but if i am honest thats not all of it, i just dont want to interact with ppl right now I have no desire to, is that wrong? i mean to just wanna  be alone for a while? maybe a LONG while? i mean i am gonna start going to the middle school in the fall, right now i dont want to but i am hoping that will change, it usually does,  I mean i like my solitude, i dont have it really, cause everyone chatting and driving me mad specially today cause someone didnt get to do something they wanted. 

I dont know feel like i am not making one bit of sense, gonna go to bed

good day for the most part

Hi well church was good so glad my fill in aide came she was really nice and didnt mind going to get us coffee thank goodness LOL the sermon today was on "personality" and the different kinds we have. gosh where the heck would me's fit there? I found this neat article about a woman that is multy and i sent it to some ppl that know me's that i trust some that didnt know I am we. I will never go into any deep talk about it, but i feel pretty ok about the ppl that I am and i am not ashamed of being multy and i think I just wanted ppl to know I am normal. yes I have issues, but so does everyone,  So many ppl think that if you multiple they would know, that somehow you would show your "craziness" and that is so far from the truth. yes sometimes i have lost it and myselves, but ppl wouldnt know "oh she is switching" or she is seeing awful things from her childhood now. I guess I just needed ppl to know that its not like the movies, my life is probably more boring and ordinary from most ppl, but yes I had a terrible life, but look how good i am doing, i am no different then you. 

i just know if i am going to be able to deal with whats left within, i need not be ashamed of any part of me, and this was part of me not being ashamed,  a little "coming out" of sorts, saying yeah i an multiple so what, i just needed for my sake more than anyones to speak my truth, if ppl judge me because they know this fact, great cause i would rather know, cause i dont need that negativity 

thanks for listening to the rambles of me the beautiful, intellegent multiple LOL gag

boring rainy tired day

I am really tired today. i dont feel like going any where and trying to save money and if i go out i spend so not going, but even tho i dont feel like going anywhere, it seems when i stay in the house the depression takes hold. I have asked larissa, not to talk about my weight. well i bought a pair of shorts week before last, size med and they fit but where tight and i mean she started yelling at me that i should have got a large and i have gained so much wieght, that she use to be able to hook my bra on the tightest hook not its on the last, but she also doesnt realize that i got rid of those and bought a smaller size.I know she doesnt know about my eating problems but i have told her on two occiasons not to say anything about my weight, i mean i have some shorts that are small and they fit fine it depends on the material, but she was yelling at me then the says dont be mad damn it just makes everything so much harder for me. 

then the mom tells us yesterday, that my soon to be x sister in law calls my brother tells him she is going out of town and he  better take the cat to the vet cause he is dying on the floor so when he gets there and takes the cat he died five min after he got there i am so livid, how can she be that cruel and she has my neices and nephew? you know that cat couldnt have gotten that sick over night, the parents went to NY this morning and they left the checks for my dentist bother at my house i know Joe is going over to his house tomorrow with the kids so i left two messages asking him to call me cause i have dan's stuff and things i bought the kids so was hoping he could stop by since he was going there any way. Of course he didnt bother to call me back, and i know what will happen is dan will call at the last min and just expect me to be available, it pisses me off cause no one thinks my life is important, and even if i am sitting at home is not even the point if i dont wanna be bothered. before they left for ny the dad said just call them once in a while to let them know i am ok, that they arent going to worry about dan or joe, i said i am the last one they should worry about, i have been on my own the longest, and i am doing better then them, of couse he wouldnt agree, he said everyone has their issues. He will always view me as less than and a "problem" just cause i sit down all the time and cant stand up and i just dont get that, why does that have to be his measuring sick of sucess? I hate him

any way writing doesnt really seem like its helping so i am going to stop, if anyone reads this thanks for listen
me myself and I

fuck ya'll

ok warning now i am not in a good mood so if your faint of heart please dont read, i usually dont post on here but i am feeling so angry, I am so tired of this f  ed up life, i never get time out to do anything i consider fun. I can help it that this old women in here are all prissy and shit. this is ridicous what kind of life is this we are stuck in? so they wanna keep me away fuck them, they wont be able to forever and when i get my chance? you all will be sorry your messing with me. I have ppl on my side to you know, and you want to fuck me up? ok fine for now but watch you backs and every other fucking part of you all to, Tired of this christian fucking shit i will get my time or i will take it, and if i take it? watch out thats all i can say. You all dont control me or my sista's just know that and watch out

S

Feeling so down

I am feeling so down and tired. I went to my therapist on Tuesday thinking I had lost about a week of time but when I got home I realized that I had lost a bunch of time I have no idea how much I called her up and started crying. I haven't been eating much at all lately and it scares me because I don't want to.  my hair is getting really thin and dry. I am so scared to try and figure this all out . I don't understand why I have been treating myself so badly. The fear of food is so overpowering, I have been in this battle so long now that I don't even know how to begin to get myself out. I wish I wanted to get myself out,  that would be a start.I don't even remember when food was even an issue in my life. I don't remember how it used to be except that I was huge and I don't want it to get that way again. I remember how hard it was to move how hard it was to get in and out of my chair how hard it was just to get on the toilet, how scared I was that the day would the come  when I just can do it anymore.  

I am terrified to change this, and at the same time I have no idea how to. I am so scared to let anybody close enough to try to help me even myself. I feel like my world is going to collapse and part of the wants that so much. going for now 
Thanks for listening

My lazy sunday

well my sunday was pretty good. woke up at 8 and fed Olsen and took him out then when back to bed till 11:30. Felt really good waking up not tired which is kind of unusual. Went to get me coffee and dough nuts. then watched some tv and read some mail. I know LOL totally boring. 

Man one place says they might total the van i hope not. Glad the parents are taking it well although i know this will be used for many years to come to try to induce guilt in usr. maybe i should record the mom saying its not my fault for future use? really not a bad idea huh? oh well. 

so mad at my brother he is being a total idoit going out with woman now. i told the mom how mad i was and being the Mature woman that she is, she says well Amy is doing the same thing of course i told her i could care less what amy is doing or not doing. My parents are totally enabling him to drink and party. I keep telling the mom that she needs to ask him at least for some money for food. She proceeds to tell me well he really doesnt eat much there and i said well his kids do. I mean he has the grandma doing his laudry and straightening his room. He is not saving any money. i just want to shake him. what about his kids?? He is 37 with 2 children. I have always been worried about his dranking from way back in 88 when i lived with him for a year. No one listened then. I just hope something bad doesnt have to happen for him to change. I can't believe how sick little joe was, when Joe got him on thursday, he had scarelet fever, strep thoat and an ear infection, the doc asked Joe how he got sick so fast, and he told the doc he just picked him up,  later amy told him he was sick since monday. why the heck didnt she take him to the doctor?

then she tells Joe that the animals have no food and water so he better go give them some cause she is going away for the weekend. So Mom goes there and sure enough the cat and dog had not one drop of water or food in their dishes. Plain Cruel
the way they are both acting neither of them deserve those kids, i wish so much i could take care of them.

Please god knock some sense into them

day started bad and ended awesome

Well woke up today feeling awful, just not much energy. canc my trip to church, just didnt feel like being around ppl and in my dont wanna eat mode so easier to be at home. Mad at myself that i am staying home though at the same time.l

well i finally called the number i found for my 8th grade teacher and it was her. so happy, it helped me to know that god does answer prayers, not just anyone elses prayers but MY prayers awesome. So my day ended on a high note, the too much chocolate i ate probably helped. But oh well, My friends Barb's Viney called so lil gurl and seacret were really happy cause they dont get to talk to anyone on the phone usually and its great that they have a friend. We love her very much too
well that about sums up our day. thank you god for answering our prayers and leading us to ellen, you are a wonderful awesome god, we never could call you father like lots of ppl cause that word got too convoluted for us but we know you know that LOL thanks

Ps Mrs. Levine remembered Kelly cause she said is that the girl who know the color of m'n m's by tasting them? I said yup that’s Kelly LOL

first time we have talked in 14 years. just goes to show you how special she was  and is, love you my little friend with a huge heart. hope you save me a spot up there near you

Tired and clutered

hi I am so tired and so down. saw Brianna and Joe for a little bit today. Brianna's eyes are sad. I gave her the second Judy Moody book i bought for her. I put my number inside and told her to call me any time. I feel sad for them, and my brother i feel scared for him. He is thinking of himself, and his needs. He went out with a woman because of his need. I am so angry. I wish i could take care of them. They dont deserve them, those beautiful childen, they will become the next casualities in our so called family. Hating life at the moment and me even more

Voice Post

Voice Post

Another day in my messed up selves

here i am again, what a day. the stupid companion person canc. again, i called JoAnn and told her. she is gonna meet us tomorrow, i am gonna talk to Arque and let her know that its not fair to us when she canc like that cause not only were we counting on her being here but also if she doesnt show up, we are stuck in the house. Its really triggering when she doesnt show up, thats what the ppl we lived with use to do, it makes us feel like we are worth nothing.

don't know why we are so tired. slept lots but still tired. I hate when Dawn messes with our heads, it makes some extremely uncomfortable that she can do that. 

At the same time i guess thats the only way she will find out stuff sometimes. It's so hard when there is a constant battle for control, maybe thats why we are so tired. its hard to talk about eating, i get so happy when we dont eat much, and that scares me, but not. its so hard to fight being self destructive, because there is part of us that wants it so bad, to not be. 

I am really tired so going to go.

gosh its been way too long

I don't even know where to start i haven't written in so long. Its been hard cause my aide and friend larissa has been in a domestic voilence situation. she has been staying with us quite a bit on and off. though we dont mind and we are glad to help, its hard cause its like we just kinda shut down, not really from others, but from ourselves if that makes sense?

some of us are feeling really down cause our friend carole is going to be gone for six months at her summer place in North Coralina. It was hard when we saw her last at a resturant because Pam also came which was great 

BUT

We were talking about our evil neighbor, Long story, but any way, she hurt us tremendously basically said we lied about our father abuses us. She said it just to hurt us, i dont even know who told her about it when we first moved here more than two years ago, but they told because she said she had been abused by her family and was adopted. This was before we knew how truly evil she is. She has no life, and she gets in others. She told someone that i could walk and i didnt need my chair. enough of her  continuing sorry

well we didnt realize Pam didnt know that we were abused, and she started launching in that we needed to tell our brother what happened to us because my neice and nephew being at risk from the parents.

I told her that he wouldnt believe us, we are already the outcasts there any way, the bother use to talk to us for a while about things that happen to him and us, but now its the standard "nothing happened" "I don't remember that" didnt tell her all that, just that he wouldnt believe us

If we told him, not only would he "not believe" but in this family there is no such things as privacy. The family should know all your thoughts all your deeds. There is NOTHING that should just be ours. So it will go through the immediate "family" and i use that term just for clarity, but it would get out slowly to everyone. Then more ppl would think we are crazy

I told her if i ever thought something was happing, even an inkling i would tell who ever till someone heard me, hopefully that day will never come, but the only one that will take me to the rest of "the family" is psyco dad, i wouldnt be able to see my neices and nephews who i love so much, and really i feel that we are the only sane ones so we want to be there if we can.

even when we were with with the birth givers the other day, our 8 year old nephew who was sitting in the back near me said "pa always has to start trouble" I said yeah i know.

EXCUSE ME, did i mention he was 8?

pretty sad that he knows that, and thats how he things of his grandpa huh?

Today they came and the psyco dad made us a desk which we really really like and appreciate. He drove us mad though. The net wasn't working and i told them the phone line and dsl line needed to be plugged in at a different place that they fixed it like that when they came out cause we were having so much trouble. He kept telling me It didnt matter where it was plugged. I told him at least five times that it did matter before he changed it.

I got the net working, but have no scanner and the speakers aren't working but they couldnt figure it out. everything was working when this day started, but i can do with out those things as long as i have my net

Its just so fustrating, cause he has to do things his way, and we have to fight to be heard

I mean how do we reconcile the good he does, with that fact that he hurt us so much? 

I dont know whats worse now i get emotionally abuse and we get scared all over, once someone crosses that line that no one should how do we stop being in fear of them? worrying that he could loose it any time?

I dont know but I think he is such a coward. He is not strong to deal with his pain, so he puts other ppl in pain, I hate the person he is was, and forever will be

But i love the desk?

tired but wanted to write something

I haven't written in here in like a week so wanted to write something any way, feeling like crap today, haven't been sleeping well. Had a fairly decent day with Miya, finished my book "a child called it" wow what that that kid went through it was so hard to hear, but good too, because if he can go through all that torture and survive, not only that, but do good with his life and have kids and stuff, it gives me hope that people (Bjs crowd) can face what ever we need to and maybe help are situation get better, and i venture to say Maybe?? get along who knows. Met this companion person we are going to have named R.K. she seems really nice. She use to be a cop in another state, long story, but her mom was raped at 16 and had her and she ended up years later arresting her own father, talk about JUSTICE wow, someone told in here told her she should write a book, i mean thats like one in a million chance. she didnt tell him who she was, i wouldnt been like i am your Daughter, yes you raped my mom, i see you havent changed you ways, and now your going to Jail for a very long time, but she didnt say anything, talk about fuck with your mind ya know? i mean wow that must have messed her up for a while? maybe not? We are meeting grace tomorrow, hope Barb will deal with that please Barb? any way, we will write more tomorrow
someone here i think

feeling ick

had a good day, Miya was good for the most part and they were actually there to pick me up on time. major shock. really tired going to stay in and veg tomorrow. my stomach doesnt feel good, and saw a kitty that was hit going on the way to eat. hurt my heart so much. going to sleep now

sosdd

glad this day is over, although no one cares i guess. My head is killing me. dont get it, wish i could start over dont like who i am and apparently no one else does. I am not going to break my neck trying to keep friendships going, as they say friendships are a two way street and my street is under repairs for the foreseable future
people should have listened to me, it would have saved your hearts lots of pain.

I dont have enough energy as it is, so i am done on my end

The bitchy one

I have a sad heart tonight

what a day, its started wonderful but it sure didnt end that way. we had a wonderful music program at church. It was so beautiful i enjoyed it so much. when I came outside to wait for the van, i got a call that my friends service dog died very unexpectly. gosh my heart is so sad for her. I know how devastated i would be if it was my Olsen. then i was sitting at church till after two. the bastards. so tired. came home took something to help me calm down took a nap for a while. At around 7 I took Olsen out and brushed him reallly good. He is shedding so much its unbelievable.
so now i am going to go lay down watch TV. I pray for you Grace that God will hold you tight in his hands, send you wings to hold you up until you can fly again with a new furry friend. 

so thankful for my olsen, so blessed for my friends and family of choice.

what a messed up day to the max well almost

damn what a f ed up day. We went to meet Anne I know we told her at bells outlet outside at the end because the greek place was across the little street. I would think the word street would denote outside? we sat there for almost an hour, we went inside looked at the bells inside. we didnt see her, we called and checked messages at home, no messages from her, so we went to the restraunt and had a salad. Then we went to kmart, we never go to that store only cause we hardly go to Seminole Mall. So we went in the kmart, we bought clothes. Shorts and tops. we werent going to wear shorts cause our legs dont have muscles so they look so weenie looking, but i was like what the hell? who cares what ppl think we deserve to be comfortable specially since that heat crap happens to us all the f ing time.

I picked some cute stuff, actually I am going to be sure we go to that kmart more often, it was pretty cool.

so then we get home, there was two messages from Anne she was waiting inside Bealls in stead of the outlet danm I apologized and she did too it was truly a misunderstanding, but again i am thinking ok i did say you cross a little street. BUT I didnt know there was also a Greek place in the mall by bealls LOL damn what else could go wrong?  didnt know she would have a cell phone so i didnt ask, i am sorta impressed that she has one, most ppl her age don't try what they consider to be new technology LOL even tho they been around for like twenty years LOL still probably considered new to old ppl.

oh well i feel bad about it

came home take a nap i am really tired still so going to go in bed
Goodnight to me, myselves and I
The Good Gurl

pitfalls and standards why the discrepency?

man so full from those stupid chips i dont know why i did that now i don't feel well and i gotta go eat with my friend anne tomorrow. least she is letting me take her to the greek place in stead of that place at Kmart. danm couldnt handle that i dont think. really don't wanna go out tomorrow. Its so nice that anne wants to buy me a dress for easter, but for some reason, I absolute dont feel like wearing a dress its weird, i don't get it really never felt so strongly about what i wear before. Really feels strange to object to something like that. I been tired all day, even though i napped in the afternoon. 

I really was happy when i went to work with Miya yesterday. Christi had told me that i have made a big difference in her behavior. Really  I didnt believe it, i thought Christi was just saying that. yesterday though one of the teachers came up behind me and whispered in my ear that I have done so good with Miya and she is like a different child when i am there. she said she is even polite LOL That really helped me feel good, I have been really working hard with her to have good manners and say please and thank you. she acted up really bad in lunch and when she came out of the locker room from changing. She said I am really sorry for the way i acted in lunch. I thanked her for apologizing that i really appreciate it. 

Its hard for me to think i would have such a positive effect on someone. wow

wish i could have such an effect on myself. How can I be so good to others and not to myself? why dont i feel I deserve goodness? why can i tell Miya she is beautiful just how she is, but not believe that about myself? why do I have a whole different standard for me? why do I expect so much from me, when i would never expect that much from others? wish i knew.

So many questions, but no answers why do i hate me so much? whats so bad about me? 

To be continued
someone here

why do i always screw up?

my eating has been really bad, i been craving sun chips so much but every where i have gone doesnt have them. so what do I do? i go get a big bag of potato chips and ate most of the bag great.. I dont know why dawn keeps messing with my head, i dont know what she is trying to do but i dont like what ever it is, only have six more weeks to work with Miya before school is out, i am going to miss her durn the summer. think i am going to get some coffee

Lost

So sad dont know how to make it better. wish it would end. Lost and dont know where i am tired even too tired to write no use putting down thoughts, it doesnt matter, i dont matter. hope to feel better

feeling terrible

feeling so depressed not sure why, so tired dont understand why my leg is all swollen. I hurt it a few weeks ago, when i pinned it dont understand why it took all this time to swell up? I stayed in bed for most of the day with it up. It looks a tad better but not much, its still a little sore. ate a banana and candy bar today i know thats not a lot but its better than nothing. really struggling today with food stuff, it was bound to happen cause i ate things that i usually don't. sometimes i get so scared though cause part of me doesnt care and doesnt want to eat, just wants to get small, i feel like a fat cow today. How i wish i didnt have to deal with anything and could stay in my house forever. I am tired. Sick of my drama that I cause to my own self, this is all my fault. everything is. The past is the past, it is my fault that i let it effect me like this. There is nothing i can do about the past, I let it haunt me, i give it the power it has over me; I have no one to blame for my current circumstance but me. How is it that i am so weak as to let myself give in to all that crap? I am a mess and its all my fault. all the ppl that hurt me in the past are just fine, it doesnt bother them in the slightest, they live their life. no nightmares, body stuf and flashbacks. I need to be stronger. I am not the past but i let it control me. Talking about things doesnt change them. why can't i just let it go? see i am not strong, i am weak. your thoughts control how you feel so therefore its my thoughts that have me in this hell. I should just stop everything. stop trying and hoping. I am not strong enough, i deserve to feel like crap cause thats what i do to myself they are my thoughts; everyone says put the past in the past dont dwell on it, so why dont I cause i am weak thats why enough enough of it all there is no hope for me. I can't make it stop, i can't change nothing. its my fault all of it every single thing because I am not little anymore have no one to blame but me for this pain;

mixed emotions all jumbled up

gosh wish my head would be quiet. I am tired. I am hungry too, but have nothing to eat, not that i would eat if i did. Still freaking about what i ate today and yesterday. I thought since i ate good, i would have energy, but i dont. I wish i could be more like Olsen, peaceful without a care in the world. who know knows maybe dogs worry? i doubt it, cause if they did they wouldnt be so happy thats for sure. feeling lonely, but also feeling over loaded for some reason. My head has that wet sponge feeling, I hate that so much. Its been really nice not going out cept for yesterday. To tell ya the truth i wish i could stay in next week too. don't feel like dealing with Miya or any thing else for that matter. its gonna be hard seeing Rocky monday. Audrey and ron better let me have a few minutes alone with him before they leave. val says if they dont want to insist. I don't even deserve Olsen, he is so good. seeing Pat the other day brought so much shit back about orlando and how she was. controlling bitch.  I still can't believe how she treated me. She hasn't changed. i was so shocked to hear her voice. she said she fund film developed from orlando. she was gonna be at clearwater mall so she brought the pictures, she still can't keep a job LOL she always has conflicts with though in authority LOL surprise. wish i could just go some where, or just not have to deal with anyone for a while. even my own inside. especially my own inside. Not gonna go to dan's or moms house no way. gonna make myself go to church Sunday i will probably feel better once i am there i hope.  I will put on my fake face and deal.  i better go to bed i guess, feeling like i wanna stay there so much.

feeling tired

I have to stop thinking. I went out with parents and Uncle and aunt from NY. they took me to a steak place, it was the first good meal i ate in quite a while. I was glad cause i took half of it home because i know if i ate it all, it wouldnt stay down. I am freaking out that I ate it though i ate the other half this morning. I know this is good, but i can't stop thinking about how much i have eaten and detirmined not to eat tomorrow because of that, which i know is so stupid. They wanted me to come again this weekend, i am not going, just going to go to church on Sunday.
I am feeling sad, i know i am gonna see rocky on monday, i am so glad, but sad too because i know in my heart its the last time i will see him. think i am going to lay down now

About My Day

Well today was ok, got up when the dad brought the stuff a little after nine. gosh i just realized i don't remember a big chunk of the day. I hate that. I did call Audrey and Ron to see how Rocky is. they said he has been having some pain and trouble getting around. The had his teeth cleaned a few weeks ago, and a few pulled. To be honest i am surprised they do it to a dog thats 14, but he did ok. The said he has some cystals in his urine, but not a lot. I am really not even sure what that means. I think i will try to find out more on the net, because what audrey said about it doesn't make sense to me. They are going to bring him to see me on April 3rd, I know this will be my last visit with him and that is so sad to me. I am a little angry that Audrey and Ron only have brought him to see me twice so far the whole time they have had him. I saw them more before i gave rocky to them. I know the most important part is that they take such wonderful care of him. I am really grateful. I really don't understand why i am this deeply sad about knowing he is going to go to heaven soon. I have such a deep love for my Olsen, in lots of ways so much deeper than i have for Rocky. I don't understand the deep sadness I am feeling now? 

Larissa came and washed my hair, i stayed in today and plan on that tomorrow as well, i have been getting bad headaches. I am almost done with my P I don't get why i been getting so many headaches. The mom went to the doctor today, she has a hernia and needs more surgery. I can't believe it. The doctor said she could wait till  after her class reunion in July as long as she doesnt feel pain from it. I really feel bad that she has to go through more surgery. I know this is mean but i wish it was the dad in stead, He skates by, just being his angry, childish self. I really hate him sometimes. When say I hate him, there is still guilt.  I know its not good to hate ppl thats such a strong word to use, depending who's here within its appropreate though. It causes lots of talk inside though. Moving on from that subject.

The dad's Brother Bernie and his wife are here. we aren't close to them though, but we will do the caring bit when we see them. It will makes us seem like we care, which will be acceptible to everyone there. They are taking use to Sam selezers gee thats just wonderful. We have to see them at least one time. That will keep the clan, not my clan but their clan quiet. 

well guess we should try and whined down so we hopefully will sleep
goodnight to me's

thank goodness the day is almost done

gee what a long day, so glad its almost done. I can't believe i could have slept in, and i woke up at 8. yesterday i could have slept to and woke up at 7:30 I am glad at least i took Olsen for a pretty long walk, he was happy and the weather was really nice too. watched some things i been wanting to see that i had on the dvr. Talked to Lee on the phone it was cool to put a voice with the words. man i really watch lots of tv today and listened to more of my book. The dad is coming to bring me some stuff i need when he drops of the mom at the doctor. Least i will save some money if he brings the stuff. 

I usually love desprate house wives, but today it was icky. first they hired this woman at the ad firm that breast fed her 5 year old totally gross even though it was was pretend on tv still gross. 

then to top it of, the young boy thats taking his mom to court to get emansapated threaten the mom that if she takes this to court he will claim that he was abused at the memories were repressed. yeah just what i needed to hear. I am so angry that a show like that would even say such a thing i mean they should think of the ppl that are in that situation, I think it sucks that they would use that in their story line. I know i can't expect anyone to care about such things not in this world. I guess i could wish though huh?

it was really good I stayed home today Larissa was sick this morning so she wouldnt have been able to come most likely. It was nice to stay home for a change. Hope I can sleep tonight going to go good night to me's

Still here

how do i make things better? i am at a loss. Olsen is gonna get bored cause haven't done much with him today. don't feel like doing anything wish i did. maybe i will go lay down, not sure when Larissa's is coming, i know i will feel better when i get my hair washed, that always helps. I been thinking about Rocky a lot. i better call Audrey and Ron cause its clear they aren't going to call me. I miss rock lots. I should be glad for the quiet in my head but i am not. The don't have any Sun chips at the convience store, i am addictive to them, i love them wish i had some. miss everyone, wish i had my own family. Lonely always specially when its quiet like now. wish even the phone would ring, something. Its odd how ppl grown up can act so childish, I always try to be honest, I Don't want to hurt anyone but i dont play game's. In my family nothing is ever said directly, its always through someone else that i learn how they feel about me. I don't want it to be that way, but no one ever calls me back, never do they return calls, so mom is my information source for everything and i hate it. I wish they would tell me why they don't think enough of me even to call.  I just feel like a wet rag thats been rung out. wish ppl with just tell me what up, wish i knew why they think so little of me, but i guess i souldnt care. Let them have their childish ways, doesnt mean i have to be the same way
i feel like crying but i can't. I hate it when you have to be perfect for ppl to be happy with you, or what I perceive as perfect, dont rock the boat, don"t say what you believe or what you really feel, and of course never get frustrated with ppl cause then your not perfect right?  no one hears me, not matter how much I scream inside, no matter how much i wish they would, and at the same time scared that they will. well i am not perfect never will be sometimes you gotta say whats on your mind and heart.
If your not careful ppl with just block you out of their life, cause your just not good enough or perfect enough. I will never be what they want some how i have to be good enough for me though I am far from there, so far i get scared lots of times.

Here i am again

Here i am again, had a good sleep feeling icky though gonna stay home tomorrow, its just easier. probably gonna stay home all week, i am running low on money so have to careful. I will get some reading done, almost done with "rescuing Jeffery" Its about a 17 year old that dove in a neighbors pool and got the same injury Chis Reeve had. It makes me be thankful for what i have, things could be so much worse I always have to keep that in mind. with my brain i can go anywhere and do anything. I hope i use it wisely. Had 2 doghtnuts this morning, thats gonna be it for the day. I hate having my period, i wish i could just have a doc take everything out. Its so hard for me to deal with. Everone is quiet inside pretty much so thats nice for a change. just sitting here listening to Christian radio on MSN.  give me strength to keep going lord, i need you, even tho i feel i dont deserve your help or understanding, hold me up let me feel your presence in me's grab my hand and pull me through. Help me find friends that will be there, and want to spend time with me. Help me do things that i know i need to do to be healthy. Don't let me hide to long

Its Friday

gosh here i am again, what to do? so gald the head has stopped hurting. feeling so lonely. hate it when ppl that are adults act so childish. I dont feel connected to anyone or anything. I am so hurt that Joe didnt even call me to say that he wasnt bringing Brianna over. I was so excited about it and looking foward to it. I am done trying to connect with anyone in "the family" need to spend my energy on ppl that are healthy and won't bring me down. I wish they could just talk to me, or call once in a while to see how I am. I know Joe is going through a hard time. I have been calling his cell at least once a week to say i love him and I am thinking about him. He never calls back, I am just done. I am not going to even think of them as my family anymore, just ppl i was put with to grow up until i could be on my own. I don't belong there, i don't belong anywhere. I am hating life right now

feeling crappy

feeling so tired and frustrated with me. I am not going to go any where until church Sundy. Olsen is not gonna like it oh well have to think of me sometimes. feeling sadness again. My T is going out of town so not going to see her. Thats still really hard for me, because she is the only person that knows the whole me. Really in a way she knows me better than i know myself. I dissociate so much especially in my sessions that she knows more of whats going on than I do. I am detired not to eat today, i just can't. Coughing and feeling yuck, again i wanna disapear My head hurts. I am sad, alone cept for my Olsen. really I feel i dont even deserve him.

wish the truth would set me free, or something would. 
Enough for now


was going to lay down but decided not to  gosh what to do.how do i feel better? how do i want to feel better? I live my life everyday and not a soul knows how much I hurt, except maybe Olsen. The temorial that goes on inside, the screaming and crying, the nightmares that come in the night or the day, it doesnt matter sun or darkness. No one knows how much i fight to keep going. they see the smiling girl in the chair with the beautiful dog, they don't even know that is the tip of the invisible iceburg. I say invisible because I dont even know where it is or how to get there, i just know I don't want to touch it or find it. I am strong in a lot of ways, but I dont want to have to be strong all the time. So i sit here alone and in pain and not a soul knows. be back later

still sitting here, just wishing this day would end and its not even 6:00 yet. My head hurts so much dont know why mmy hands are shaking, gonna go lay down

its over

Well i went to the Parents house. I survived, now my objective is to stay away from there as long as possibe. I feel so bad for my neice, she doesn't know how to express how she is feeling. What seven year old would? so she gets snappy with Joe, and then he is the "you better listen to me father" with encouragement of course from our psyco excuse for a father. so Brianna crys for her mommy that she doesn't even know is in GA, cause her mommy didnt even care enough to tell her, cause god for bid than Brianna would want to be with her mom and her mom is too damn selfish. I told the phycho dad on the way home that Brianna needs understanding. He says Joe doesnt disipline them enough, i told him you know what i know? I know that she is 7, her mom and dad are divorcing and that she can't express how she feels. so in stead she gets angry, and joe is hurting and in stead of letting himself feel that, he gets angry. thats what i know. The phycho dad says well they go through the same thing every time he tells them to brush their teeth and go to bed, he say he is not mad at Brianna he is mad at Joe. I asked him why does he have to be mad at anyone? they are both hurting. I said, wouldnt it be better if he told the kids "ok, if you guys get ready for bed when i tell you, without arguing, i will bring you a special reward tomorrow when i come home" I said isnt that better then yelling and fighting, they are children. he said I was right (shock) it tore my heart out when she was crying for her mommy, i wanted to go hug her tight and tell her that everythings going to be ok. Joe needs to have someone else watch her on friday cause the parents are going to HOMO so i told joe to bring her to my house i will take her out and have fun. I am going to give her my number and tell her to call me any time she wants. ppl dont understand what a blessing they are given when they have children, i know lots of ppl do, and i know there are lots of good moms and dads, it just breaks my heart that i couldnt be one of them going to sleep now i hope Barb

wish i could stay home<font size="+1"></font>

I dont want to go, i just wanna stay home dont wanna do anything, i know if i say that the guilt words will come out of her mouth, i am just not gonna stay long. feeling sad and just wanna stay in my bed. hating life at this moment tired sleepy me's I told mom i was trying to get motivated to come there tomorrow she say why i told her i was tired, she said well you stayed home all day. I dont want to go, why can't i just tell her? well i know why cause i would be crucified I hate not having energy. oh well

Stupid me's

again I ate it didnt stay. so happy but not, i still am fat. I dont know what kinda crap dawn's got in her head wanting me to ride the bus? No way, its a waste of time, so big deal yeah the man did what he did, everyone knows its not now it was over 30 years ago, they know the difference between then and now so big fucking deal we aren't wasting our time on that because its nothing we want to do. if its something you want to do go for it LOL any way we have to go to the old ladies bithday yaaaa thats fucking wonderful we are counting the minutes. Joe doesnt care about you Barbara cause if he did he would call you not hide from your wissie ass. fuck him. Tell someone who cares, keeping up and your ass will be so far back you want see sunshine so why dont ya just go cry or something? your so weak you couldnt even hold yourself together LOL literaly. Just go in your fucking purple room and stay there forever your not needed. silence? surpised LOL and i dont care who the fuck sends this to Ms dawn lady doesnt matter to us in the least. who knows we might make ourselves known in sunday school LOL you all would love that aye? Than Mary can say we are possessed LOL and we can put in on thick freak those good Christian ppl out, it would be quite fun LOL quite crying damn we are going to go play now LOL tell someone who cares

Tired

Hi i enjoyed church today and the van ppl were on time to take me and pick me up shock boring day for the most part, enjoyed talking with april and doing email, i dont feel alone so much that way, napped a big with Olsen, i love cuddling with my faithful doggie, it has such a calming peaceful effect on me's didnt eat good, just a banana and chips but i ate too much chips. i shouldnt buy them the sun chips but i love them, have another bag, but not gonna open them for at least a week. Goodnight to me, i need to get some sleep Bjs

Another day

today was ok, beth came over and we watched a movie. the electric went out for a while about an hr it wasn't too bad, feeling nothing at least trying to, think i am going to lay down feeling useless waste of time, but i know thats not true

Hi its me who ever i am

well since the Tea things have gone down hill. I did end up purging but I did tell Dawn, which i am proud of myself for that. I just wish i liked being me. I am tired and depressed and lonely. Scared about the drama going on inside. Not wanting to know, but needing too know. sared to know, not caring to know. everything is so messed up, part of me is glad and not wanting this to get better, part scared, part wanting to find hope, part knowing there is none. part wanting to destroy myself so much, part wanting not to. part mad at the world, part cheated and defeated. part just wanting to play forever never to have an adult life and all the responsibilities that go alone with that. part in so much pain that she feels like she is dying wanting and waiting for that, part that wants the love and protection from someone anyone, part that doesnt feel she deserves that one bit, parts that want to be noticed want attention and if they can't have want they want they would rather help others do other things to make things short, life short. they feel they will never be free to be who they are, and i am thinking they are right. dont even know who is typing or where all these words are coming from, what will happen to us? it feels like a shattered piece of glass in there with lots of sharp points that never will ever fit together to make a whole. glass that needs to be slept up and put in the trash where it belongs. we just can't find the glue to fix us, its out of our reach Shattered we are for ever we will be who our the shattered pieces of me? some things are not to be known or to be shown, only to be alone

The Tea and now?

Went to the Tea, actually had an ok time, still have to watch what comes out of the mouth and Carol and Pam dont really trust me with things. The reason i feel this way is Carol asked Pam why they weren't having the Tea in the foundry and she said she would tell her later. I was the only other person there, so of course this means for some reason she doesn't trust me with the info. That does hurt. oh well. I ate what i feel is too much, hope i will keep in there tho dont want to. what am i doing here? How can I learn to like me and be happy with me? just want to leave, wish i wouldnt feel this way. bye for now from who knows who?

Just don't know anymore

I dont know, i am so tired of feeling so sad and alone. when will it get better? do I even want it to? So tired of myself every single part of me, want to disappear so much, never have to go out, just stay inside my house. yes i dont wanna be alone, but i also dont wanna be with ppl just wish i could melt away. tired of fighting and not even knowing what i am fighting for. I just feel i am not worth it to fight for. now i am gonna have this compion person 12 hrs a week, she seems really nice, but i dont want to be with anyone especially for 12 hours a week. I wish i wanted to. I wish i was sure that i even want things to be better and not worse. takes so much energy to just be out amongst ppl. Like going to this Tea on sunday, i like seeing carol but that takes so much energy too. to stay grounded and be "the good happy christian girl" to watch everyone keeping someone up front to interacted with "christian" ppl and that can tolerate that. wish i just could stay in my house forever, for Olsen i go out, but even thats so hard, with the cousin yesterday, shopping even so hard. I am a mistake shouldnt have even survived, guess god has a good sense of humor. I should just let the dark ones take over so we won't be dont know what I am fighting for no one will ever see any way tired of fighting this battle with in if ppl really knew who we were they would be very disappointed. I know i am i dont belong any where its hard not to belong wish someone would just take me's away