another Sunday

it's been a real frustrating long day for the most part.  I woke up about 3:00 a.m. wondering if I had made my ride for church today.  I wasn't sure and Stacy was coming at 6:30. I called before she got here and sure enough I haven't made my ride.  I didn't tell her though, because I felt terrible that she came all the way over to get me dressed, her  back with killing her she didn't know how she had hurt it. I got dressed even though I wasn't going anywhere

 I was going to make my ride but I made a huge mistake and got all stressed out.  I was  facebook, they have this feature where you can import your contacts from other e-mail programs and there were some addresses that wanted to get from my AOL address book.  So I use the import feature, where you could send invites.  I checked the addresses that are wanted to copy thinking that it would confirm with me for it sent anything because they wouldn't let me copy it from the list itself.  I was thinking that it would put it on a form and then I could copy it from there.  Not only did it not do that but in addition it immediately sent facebook invitations to not only the ones I had checked off but also to every single person in my address book! some of these peopleI do not talk to anymore or don't view it as  safe.  lots of them I just don't have that type her relationship with

So when this happens I guess that making my ride went out the window

I had a terrible nightmare, I  was in this house with people I didn't know.  All the people were dark complected and all I knew was that I was in a room and in the next room there was a woman and she was very mad at a young girl.  She was hitting her over and over again.  I was wondering what I was doing there and feeling so afraid for that girl in the next room.  There  was another girl I think she was in the same room as me, she kept laughing at the girl that was getting hit and I just felt so sad and wondered why she was laughing and why was I there with a bunch of people that I didn't know

I am wondering if they were people in the system, because I know all the people were black and I know very well that there are different accents that come out of my mouth, I don't no what the ladies looked like but I don't think it's them. I do think they are in that same area we are, I don't understand why can't see them though, I think they are in the same place because at times they come out so easily and quickly I have even been asked by a few people if I was biracial but I'm not sure, they could very well be from the middle things are a lot harder to figure out nowadays

I am concerned to because when I woke up Wednesday morning my remote for the TV was in a place that I couldn't have put it without getting out of my bed.  Usually when I lose time I am heading to bed but I just don't get there.  It bothers me a lot because I have no sense of anything nothing, seems like things are happening quite often and I don't even have a sense of when, why or how.

to top the day off I decided to try to program the fancy "learning" remote remote that I bought.  To make this story short, I spent $100 for it, it took me about two hours to program it to turn on my TV and my cable box in the living room.  There is no way that I can possibly remember what buttons to push to do what and I would still have to program the TV in my bedroom I am taking in back I could use the money in a lot better and less frustrating way, if you have read this far congratulation as I know this was long
written by Barb  of this crowd

Sunday's thoughts

 today is Sunday Stacy took a shift today at the nursing home so I couldn't go to church.  I am feeling very detached from everyone and even somewhat from my surroundings.  I slept most of the day yesterday, it rained a lot.  I was thinking a lot about  my chair breaking last weekend, it occurred to me that the second time I called my parents house and the mom  yelled, she didn't even know I had gotten help she didn't even know if Stacy had come or what the situation was and she answered the phone like that?

I sit here alone all the time, I have always been alone the aloneness that I feel is so deep I have never felt wanted, I have never felt good enough I have always felt expendable and I feel the same way with this group of people that I am forced to share my life with. share my body with
how is it now? Now I don't know when I will be here, how much time it will loose it's a continuous battle a fight not to let someone take control that wants to do harm to the body

it is hard not to listen to the ones that don't want to be here the ones that want to melt away so slowly so that it won't be noticed.  I know this stuff with the chair and the helplessness that was  felt by some has set a  self-destructive pattern to motion, it is hard to keep fighting when there are so many more people on their side

Does everyone have to fight like this just to live?  I really feel like we have no one. no where that we belong, no one that needs us or even misses us. we haven't been to the church in so long not one person has called to see how we are and most have not answered our e-mails telling them about whats been up with us, like with the chair, one person wrote back and we were grateful, but the ppl we thought cared about us not one word

maybe there are some people no matter what they do or what they try just don't belong ever?  We are not feeling sorry for ourselves just thinking out loud.  We hate the dad and we don't think much of the mom either How can they hurt us?

What is love?  Love is not abuse, yes everyone loses their temper from time to time with their children maybe they spanked them, this we can understand spanking is not beating, it is not burning them it is not all the other sexual things that were inflicted, it is not suffocating someone, it is not terrorizing someone

There can be no love with this, it cannot live in the same place and if someone professes this they are disillusioned, were delusional and/or lying we are a group of misfits if we cannot get along with each other we have no chance of getting along in the world either. we do not like this world, there is no motivation for us to succeed here

No love, no belonging, no freedom, no security, no predictability, no safety, no wanting, no hoping and caring

Olsen is not enough for us to survive what does one do?

Finally here I am once again

 It's been a long time since I've written anything but there's so much inside I'm going to try.  I have been feeling really sad really hopeless and tired of the person that I am or I guess I should say people that I am. I don't know how to help myself not only that but I don't feel like I can let anybody in far enough or close enough to help us either. we feel like this is our responsibility it is our job and our burden. we feel like we deserve to be alone, this is how it has always been, we cannot let people into that place and because we can't, it will be to our end. some things are never to be shared they are to be ours alone, there never was anyone to help us we learned that we must take care of ourselves we learned that people aren't to be trusted Yes it has been many years, but we feel like all we have touched is the very tip of a huge iceberg that still is in danger of swallowing us.  you say to talk about issues?  What kind of issues?  It's hard to talk about issues when all you want to do is go away. when you don't want to fight anymore when you don't want to argue when you don't want to keep pretending and when you don't want to keep going If we talk about issues it is not going to make us normal and it is not going to make us like who we are.  It is not going to be enough to take all the little pieces and make them fit all nice neat and tidy.  to talk about issues is not going to give us resolve that we don't have it is not going to make us like the people that we are and it is not going to give us strength that we just don't have Talking about issues is not going to give us our life back,  it's not going to change what happened and we are still going to be stuck with a family of strangers- the abusers and the cowards that made us and gave us this wonderful life. we feel like a piece of glass that has been so shattered and broken but somehow unfortunately it still connected still breathing somehow Wondering when the final blow will happen, when everybody cannot hold together anymore not even by a thread some of us wish for that.  That wish is what keeps some of us going Some things are not meant to be shared with others some issues as you call them.  silence can mean salvation even though we know silence will mean our end eventually The majority of us are not hopeful it is hard to try when you're tired, the ones that are hopeful are just too young to know any better, it would be easier if you would go away, we don't deserve you either

feel like writing dont know what or why

what to say, who knows? listening to music back to basics pretty cool just feeling alone but yet so much not alone. so tired of everything, when talking with D about a certain keep thinking if she is multie why dont she have no issues from it?? cause damn we dont want none but it dont matter what one wants, its there they are there, he is there another he and probably more, then there is her the old her and the younger her what does it all add up to you may ask? lots of Shit that we deal with thats what. but yet others seem unscaved buy what they profess to have and what they have gone through? they got so much to be thankful for, a brand new baby and two other kids, but thats not good enough, they gotta start shit and hurt ppl that we care about?? fuck that, or I should say fuck them if they are a them and if they arent well f her to be persice we sure as H dont want to add to the shit we have to deal with, why do they gotta mess with ppl? why cant they be blessed for what they have and who they have and leave ppl the F alone? I just dont get it???? I would give anything not to deal with the shit I do, like I said she is a Fing Borderline and even if she is more than one that comes in last way last to the person she is I dont know why this is not letting me space down anyway I have to go to sleep now because if not I wont get there, please help us be free somehow, someone soon we cant see far ahead and we dont like what we see here

dont know

so tired but dont know why cause we haven't done anything all day, we ate pot roast the mom brought two days in a row, at lease its gone but maybe thats why we are so tired? i dont know, you would think we would have more energy from eatings something good but we are so tired, we dont want to go to church but we will cause not going to the school this week cause will have our every 3 month week of hell, so besides going to the T we don't have to do nothing so happy about that. wish it wasnt December already and we are so mad we loaned anyone money, never again, yolie has bounced shit all over the place so wont be geeting money from her this month and the 300 Stacy was gonna give me magically tured in to 150 isn't it something how that happens? jerks we are damn jerks
wish so much we could skip Christmas hating life hating self hating all

a not firmly planted saturday

Hi just thought I would write, not feeling great, not going to go to church again just not up to it, mom got mad at me. The motor or my blinds kept falling down the psycho dad came twice already put it up but he was in a hurry and just didn't do it right.  It came down again, they were going to Homosassa I had a doctors appointment yesterday told them I'd be home around one but I forgot my cell phone so couldn't call them when I was on my way.  I called the mom to ask her when he left I could tell she had an attitude to her voice I asked her what was wrong?  And before she started to talk I said please don't start in about the door again yes I am holding my ground and not giving her key to my place if I did I would never live in peace in my own home so she went on and on about the door of course so I said okay be mad so now she's mad at me is short if I call so I won't be calling for awhile they could do everything under the sun for other people now she's working at Joe's office to and I heard him say that he bought Joe some shirts unbelievable
I wish I felt better staying home tomorrow just don't want to be around people

feelings I hate them

today when to the T, appt at one got there at 12:15 didnt get home till 20 after 5. tired of being so sad, tired of being mad about this DID stuff, there is nothing to do about it, but I dont have to like it. I dont care if it saved me, maybe I didnt want to be saved, no one asked me did they? maybe scared of going foward? well if it means being like this, scared has nothing to do about it what does? I dont want to period end of story and many dont want to I am not the only one, yes are we mad at god? Barb is, but as for the rest in my vincinity? we could give a fuck got it?  going to go in bed and float now

Saturday at Joe's, what is what's not and what will be

Went to Joe's yesterday, it was really easy to get there.  Stacy didn't have any problem finding the house.  Joe looks exactly the same except for his receding hairline.  It was great seeing him, he wants me to come over for new years I asked him if Beth could come he said he would rather not.  He doesn't know this but that means I will not be going.  I know without question that he thinks I'm going to go there and drink and that it's not happening despite what others might wish or want

People can say so much with their eyes not a word has to be spoken to know what they're saying to know every word when he said wait and looked at his helper I knew so no I will not be going there for New Year's Eve sorry to disappoint both those within and without.  Anyway until they put a bar in his bathroom that's not 2 feet away from the toilet as the present one I won't be staying there.  I went from 12:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. without going to the bathroom quite a feat

I said to him too bad we can't pick up your house and move it.  He said well all of all my friends are here.  I or somebody said well you want us to leave all our friends. Minus the plural sense and he said I have the house I see how this goes his aid kept making remarks about me coming there to stay it was driving me crazy and Joe kept saying wait she will.  Yes it was a lot of pressure and yes it's only convinced me more that I am staying right here

I didn't go to church today I wasn't up to being Christian or nice and kind I didn't go to Stacy's daughters party either as I was not up to being social something is to be said for silence the silence that disconnects you from every one especially your self as for me?  That is the best silence of all

The silence will continue because there is no need for my words there is no need for anybody's words because after all so much could be said without words

From the silence that is me

so tired filled with Sadness

 I am so sad  and yeah I can give and give, but then when I need? when I call the call isn't retured cause she doesnt feel like talking to "other ppl" cause she is busy with work and school and doesnt want to "bother" ppl? thats BS I have always supported her, so now she feels like she doesnt want to bother me? its not about bothering me, its about her thinking of herself and not wanting to deal with what I am going through, which is fine, thats her choice and I told her she needs to do whats best for her, its just that I am hurting so bad, I dont remember feeling so bad for this long, and it would have been nice if I could lean on her a little, I have always supported her gladly, and now I need support I need to talk and she doesnt return my calls? She said she thought I needed some time, told her if that was the case I would have told her. it just hurts, I asked her did she realize how important she was to me? and if she didnt, I was telling her now and that maybe I have missed her and I needed her too?

she said she was sorry or something can't remember it didnt really mean much to me I guess cause she seems to always think of herself and what she is dealing with/ maybe some ppl just cant give back? maybe she is one of those ppl? don't know, I am just hurting so bad, and when I reach out so someone I always have been there for, its hard when they are not there it hurts

to tell someone your hurting and its like you said nothing?  I need someone to hear me, and to care I need more than ONE when there are so many I need someone help please tears aren't stopping sadness isn't easing, it has filled every inch of me

Feelings so many things, too many things

There are so many things inside so many things that  I wish I didn't feel. I feel lost as to how to make it better part of me doesn't want it to be better and that is scary to me.  I feel like there's blackness all around I feel like I'm in a perpetual haze everywhere I turn, there is never a way out just more haze more darkness I had a dream that Doc didn't really die I dreamt that his family was worried about him so they made him come live with them.  I wish my dream was reality I wish I felt better or knew how to make myself feel better, for the self harm urges are very strong still maybe that's why I am in this haze? I don't have no energy and that's probably a good thing. This feels like it was a waste of time

feeling so sad and stupid

was trying to help a friend and think I said something I shouldnt have, they have programming in their backround and are having such a rough time was talking to them for a long time and was saying that the guy that D used to get free was really good, they said that they were triggered by the guys site and they got punished for going there

I said well maybe someday cause I think a lot of the things that are going on have lots to do with programming and I dont think their T knows enough about that to help and they went off line, I am just worried that maybe they felt hopeless about everything cause I said that? yes I know the T would say that's is their issue, but we try so hard to be careful with our words and the last think we want to do is hurt someone when things are so hard already :( I feel like an idiot 

all I want to do is get in bed and stay there, I hate there is so much evil in the world so much abuse I just hate it
I dont wanna go out tomorrow but I will make myselves :(
mixed of bunch of mixups

Bjs 

Monday the great

I thought I would write because it's been a whole week since I have.  Today I went to school with the kids being with the kids was uneventful.  I always get there early so I decided to go to the cafeteria, to get some lunch.  I had Olsen, I grabbed a tray and ended up spilling it on the floor (great) they got me another tray I went into the teacher's lounge.  I was done with my food and trying to get out of the door this is very hard because of the narrow hallway so I can't get exactly to one side my foot rest was wedged in against the door I had to let Olsen go by this time a child was coming over to help me but when I let Olsen go of course she had to scream very loudly so all her friends with know one of the teachers finally got up and help me out the door I told my friend Sandy I am never going into that cafeteria again she said she would help me get what I wanted so if I wanted anything just to tell her

Luckily my right was there right on time and I didn't have to wait made me really happy.  I ordered Olsen his favorite chews and they came in the mail today I know this update was pretty lame but oh well the only thing I felt like saying I guess
goodnight to me myself and I

Lonely frustrated and scared

Today is Friday I went out with Stacy to lunch in the movie we saw Michael Clayton it was a really good movie and I went to Wal-Mart and got Olsen to drummel that I wanted to tomorrow is the festival at the church gosh how I don't want to go I am still fighting the urge to self injure it's taking so much out of me I am trying my best I am so unhappy at this moment I feel so invisible I feel like nobody knows how much I I am hurting, and I guess that's true no one does I feel so alone so far away from everything and everyone I wish so much I could give up

I should've went to bed a couple of hours ago like I planned but now it's 10:30 p.m. I am so sad so tired so lost

I am going to go having trouble focusing on the screen don't want to switch who knows if I go to bed so better leave while I still have the power to do so I hate this life I hate the way I am

frustrated totally

gosh I feel so crappy, didnt go to school today. started getting a headache at 9:30 last night. got up took meds and some extra seroquel cause things have been really hard internally. my head got progressively fworse, got up at 2 am and took some advil, I was in so much pain, at 3 am I didnt know what to do was hurting so bad and my stomach was queasy. I was getting in my chair and threw up (least it wasnt in the bed) called Larissa, my aide I knew she was with her main client, she couldnt come till he woke up cause she didnt want him to get scared if she wasnt there, so I got back in bed. Olsen was so worried about me he stayed close to me in bed the whole time. I fell asleep for a bit Larissa came at 5 and cleaned my chair and the floor. I called at 6 to canc my ride to the school. I feel better than I did but the head still hurts a bit
Not firmly planted either, I think I am suppose to go out with Dan his wife and that guy he wants me to meet, but I not sure, I called him twice yesterday left a message for him to call me cause I am not sure when we are suppose to meet, he is playing golf, so left two messages for his wife to call me because if its tomorrow I need to make my transport arrangements, she hasnt called so if it is tomorrow and she doesnt call on time I am not going to be able to go. I am going to the school tomorrow cause I told another teacher I will come to speak to his students about Olsen so will make that trip and F him

the parents are here they bought a stand for the TV because the reason I am having so much trouble seeing it is cause of the angle I look from when in bed, so this will fix that cause it could move all over, but the cable ppl said besides that my signal isnt good so they are coming out thursday.

I am so down, hate myself right now hate DID and everything it brings and hate them for abusing me in the first place :(


 

ramblings from me and the wall

 

Today is Wednesday, I'm still not used to going to the therapist on Wednesday it kind of messes up my whole week just that little change. The teacher called back that wanted us to speak to his class tomorrow saying that he forgot the schedule change so now somehow we agreed to do all his classes on Tuesday instead of the two classes that is a lot of classes and we are idiots for agreeing to it poor Olsen

We are really tired I think we are going to take our medicine and go to bed really soon one disadvantage of being multiple is never being able to truly take a vacation you're all stuck together whether you want to be or not and it stinks totally

and no one gets paid for their service's no retirement fund, no overtimepay and no sick time totally unfair what did we do to deserve this? Abuse to be abused again, over and over and over there is no way to leave it. There is no way to leave us and there is no way to leave the people that hurt us because they are burned in our memory and in our minds are pictures that we see. They Affect our body our ability to function our energy our dreams and our nightmares why are we holding certain ones off maybe they are right maybe they have the right idea? Okay so things happen so what? Move on already! Why are we being tortured? Seeing it, hearing it and feeling? Personally I want out!

Whoever I am, I am not me I am not you I am nothing no one no where invisible no one sees me no one knows me no one hears me just i am here, when you need me but yet I am not free I am stuck in the body that I don't want people that I don't like against my will I am here there is no fear there is just hate because there's no escape never forever I'm here even though I thought I had disappeared it was a cruel joke that no one spoke until I found myself once again. I will never be your friend, I was never meant to be a friend, to be understood or cared about, just part of the wall that broke now there are too many holes too much to unfold, this is not what was suppose to happen this is not what I want, but no one cares so why should I? the one who is not enough to have a name part of the numb ppl

Back again

feeling better than we were, got some rest now hungry but won't eat, we ate 2 doughnuts and had some choc milk this morning, we are thinking about too many things shouldnt have let Barb talk to joe even tho she did good and told him that we are open to maybe moving up there in the future depending how things work out, but it would be a huge change and its a change that she didnt know if she could make, told him that she needed to take things slow

He told her he needed her? she told him that she did love him ect so there is a total war in here now, on top of that hearing about the boy that was so abused at freedom village has brought up so much shit this is not good, we are trying really hard not to self harm but the urge is really strong 

wish it wasn't there, but it is so many are mad about so many different things dont know what to do, just know if our fingers are typing this is good but hard to even type cause can't hold out to what ppl are saying, maybe we should take some meds 
 going to try and watch deseprate house wives 
bye 

From foggy eyes

I have been sitting here for a long time. So many thoughts going through my head so many opinions so many wants and needs but I am sitting here frozen I think I've been here for a couple of hours not really doing much of anything the TV isn't even on but I am sitting here I don't know why I feel so afraid so sad so hopeless so powerless I know someone wants to hurt the body maybe that's why I'm sitting here frozen afraid to move if I stay still maybe I will stay in control? But my legs hurt because they've been hanging down don't have my foot rests on I am really thirsty don't think I've drank anything today I think I'm going to go try and lay down I just needed to write this so I didn't spend all these hours for nothing I wish so much I could start over in another time and another place

sincerely foggy eyes

Thursday

Today is Thursday my second day at school. It went well I think it's going to be an easy year although I don't think I should say that considering that it was only the second day me and Stacy were supposed to go out for the second time she didn't call me to let me know she wasn't coming which is not cool this is the third time this week she changed the day

I am tired of stupid guy Beau finally called me I was trying to thank him for the ugly picture he made me and then when I told him I needed to go he hung up on me yes he definitely has issues no doubt I am not hanging that ugly thing on my wall

I am not feeling really good but I don't know what's wrong emotionally I am really tired but there is a lot of sadness I don't know why and I don't know where it's coming from I just feel very draining I have had a busy week that's probably it. I have to go somewhere to be at a booth for canine companions for four hours gosh I wish I didn't have to go oh well going to lay down now

 

hopes dreams and fear

Today is Wednesday, I had a good birthday. Boy did I get a surprise on Monday Joe's mother called me from his house to say happy birthday boy was I surprised LOL but I was even more surprised to find out that Joe was divorced these last six months or so I have been thinking about him and saying to myself maybe he'll get a divorce, and then yelling at myself that I was crazy well actually others yelling at me that I was crazy I totally can't believe this when he got married I think it was about five years ago I was happy for him but I was so sad at the same time because I realize that that moment how much I really loved him and wish that I could be with him forever

Now maybe I have the chance? I have known him since 1973 that's when we moved to Florida I love his mother in his step dad they have been so good to me throughout the years me and Joe went to concerts together he sent me flowers quite often on my birthdays he was always there even through my problems although I didn't tell him much and gosh I didnt know much, thats a whole nother issues a big one

he has an accessible house that he got through Habitat for Humanity. I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself but at the same time when the time is right I am going to tell him how I feel he is the only person I truly think that I could live with that I want to live with. He lives in Lakeland it would mean leaving a lot of things behind a lot of people behind and I don't know if I could do it but I do think it's possible that I could and the fact that I think it's possible is pretty awesome within itself

I've tried to call him a couple of times but for one reason or another we couldn't talk and I have been abnormally busy this week so I'm going to try again tomorrow when I get home from working with the kids Joe has severe cerebral palsy, I used to think I wanted somebody that would be able to take care of me in all aspects of life but now I know so much of what I thought was important when you get down to it means absolutely nothing

if this does happen I would have a family a real family of my own but that is too hard to think about for right now because it brings up a lot of feelings mainly negative Ones that there's no way that will ever happen so I will leave that for now and just see what tomorrow brings one day at a time

good night for now

my Friday and the other stuff

 

Beth took off work today and we met to go to the movies. We saw the Brave one with Jodie Foster it was really good lots of violence but not so much that it overpowered the goodness of the movie. I had salmon to eat and was really proud of myself but then I came home and I ate three doughnuts I don't understand why I do these things. Tomorrow one of the ladies that works for wheelchair transport invited me out to dinner for my birthday she always remembers my birthday because I think her fathers is the day after mine. But now the last thing I want to do is eat

I tried to set up up a my space I bought this program that was supposed to help you I kept having errors all the time so I went there and try to do with myself man I was confused yes I guess we are getting old

I am feeling quite jumbled right now so many things are going around in my head but only bits and pieces of different conversation I can't hold on to any enough to decipher anything I am really tired I haven't been sleeping well I haven't been taking too much extra Seroquel because the last time I did I would still love for a couple of hours afterwords and then exhausted for the next day. I am so tired of these nightmares

I did discover a neat thing today, this new mouse I got is rechargeable but the batteries don't last very long well it stopped working and I thought to myself I bet this thing will work plugged in why not? And it sure did yes I am getting old LOL I'm so tired that I don't want to go to bed for some reason I am stressed out about this festival at the church not that I need anything to make me stressed out but then I'm supposed to do the thing for canine companions on the 29th and then go to the workshop for Olsen on October 6 I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed but I think it's only because I'm tired.

As far as that guy wrote about in my last entry I am keeping him at more than an arms length he wants to do too many things to fast, there is a difference between being lonely and being needy, I'm sure he definitely is lonely but the neediness is stronger than anything else so for lots of reasons we are not going to well let's just put it this way we are going to stay on high alert where he is concerned

I am going to start of the school on Monday I hope everything goes okay I guess that's all for now I feel like there's so much on my mind but I can't get a hold of any of it very frustrating

I'm going to take some extra pills tonight and hopefully sleep but going to call dalton first of course LOL

goodnight to me and the universe