dont know

so tired but dont know why cause we haven't done anything all day, we ate pot roast the mom brought two days in a row, at lease its gone but maybe thats why we are so tired? i dont know, you would think we would have more energy from eatings something good but we are so tired, we dont want to go to church but we will cause not going to the school this week cause will have our every 3 month week of hell, so besides going to the T we don't have to do nothing so happy about that. wish it wasnt December already and we are so mad we loaned anyone money, never again, yolie has bounced shit all over the place so wont be geeting money from her this month and the 300 Stacy was gonna give me magically tured in to 150 isn't it something how that happens? jerks we are damn jerks
wish so much we could skip Christmas hating life hating self hating all

a not firmly planted saturday

Hi just thought I would write, not feeling great, not going to go to church again just not up to it, mom got mad at me. The motor or my blinds kept falling down the psycho dad came twice already put it up but he was in a hurry and just didn't do it right.  It came down again, they were going to Homosassa I had a doctors appointment yesterday told them I'd be home around one but I forgot my cell phone so couldn't call them when I was on my way.  I called the mom to ask her when he left I could tell she had an attitude to her voice I asked her what was wrong?  And before she started to talk I said please don't start in about the door again yes I am holding my ground and not giving her key to my place if I did I would never live in peace in my own home so she went on and on about the door of course so I said okay be mad so now she's mad at me is short if I call so I won't be calling for awhile they could do everything under the sun for other people now she's working at Joe's office to and I heard him say that he bought Joe some shirts unbelievable
I wish I felt better staying home tomorrow just don't want to be around people

feelings I hate them

today when to the T, appt at one got there at 12:15 didnt get home till 20 after 5. tired of being so sad, tired of being mad about this DID stuff, there is nothing to do about it, but I dont have to like it. I dont care if it saved me, maybe I didnt want to be saved, no one asked me did they? maybe scared of going foward? well if it means being like this, scared has nothing to do about it what does? I dont want to period end of story and many dont want to I am not the only one, yes are we mad at god? Barb is, but as for the rest in my vincinity? we could give a fuck got it?  going to go in bed and float now

Saturday at Joe's, what is what's not and what will be

Went to Joe's yesterday, it was really easy to get there.  Stacy didn't have any problem finding the house.  Joe looks exactly the same except for his receding hairline.  It was great seeing him, he wants me to come over for new years I asked him if Beth could come he said he would rather not.  He doesn't know this but that means I will not be going.  I know without question that he thinks I'm going to go there and drink and that it's not happening despite what others might wish or want

People can say so much with their eyes not a word has to be spoken to know what they're saying to know every word when he said wait and looked at his helper I knew so no I will not be going there for New Year's Eve sorry to disappoint both those within and without.  Anyway until they put a bar in his bathroom that's not 2 feet away from the toilet as the present one I won't be staying there.  I went from 12:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. without going to the bathroom quite a feat

I said to him too bad we can't pick up your house and move it.  He said well all of all my friends are here.  I or somebody said well you want us to leave all our friends. Minus the plural sense and he said I have the house I see how this goes his aid kept making remarks about me coming there to stay it was driving me crazy and Joe kept saying wait she will.  Yes it was a lot of pressure and yes it's only convinced me more that I am staying right here

I didn't go to church today I wasn't up to being Christian or nice and kind I didn't go to Stacy's daughters party either as I was not up to being social something is to be said for silence the silence that disconnects you from every one especially your self as for me?  That is the best silence of all

The silence will continue because there is no need for my words there is no need for anybody's words because after all so much could be said without words

From the silence that is me

so tired filled with Sadness

 I am so sad  and yeah I can give and give, but then when I need? when I call the call isn't retured cause she doesnt feel like talking to "other ppl" cause she is busy with work and school and doesnt want to "bother" ppl? thats BS I have always supported her, so now she feels like she doesnt want to bother me? its not about bothering me, its about her thinking of herself and not wanting to deal with what I am going through, which is fine, thats her choice and I told her she needs to do whats best for her, its just that I am hurting so bad, I dont remember feeling so bad for this long, and it would have been nice if I could lean on her a little, I have always supported her gladly, and now I need support I need to talk and she doesnt return my calls? She said she thought I needed some time, told her if that was the case I would have told her. it just hurts, I asked her did she realize how important she was to me? and if she didnt, I was telling her now and that maybe I have missed her and I needed her too?

she said she was sorry or something can't remember it didnt really mean much to me I guess cause she seems to always think of herself and what she is dealing with/ maybe some ppl just cant give back? maybe she is one of those ppl? don't know, I am just hurting so bad, and when I reach out so someone I always have been there for, its hard when they are not there it hurts

to tell someone your hurting and its like you said nothing?  I need someone to hear me, and to care I need more than ONE when there are so many I need someone help please tears aren't stopping sadness isn't easing, it has filled every inch of me

Feelings so many things, too many things

There are so many things inside so many things that  I wish I didn't feel. I feel lost as to how to make it better part of me doesn't want it to be better and that is scary to me.  I feel like there's blackness all around I feel like I'm in a perpetual haze everywhere I turn, there is never a way out just more haze more darkness I had a dream that Doc didn't really die I dreamt that his family was worried about him so they made him come live with them.  I wish my dream was reality I wish I felt better or knew how to make myself feel better, for the self harm urges are very strong still maybe that's why I am in this haze? I don't have no energy and that's probably a good thing. This feels like it was a waste of time

feeling so sad and stupid

was trying to help a friend and think I said something I shouldnt have, they have programming in their backround and are having such a rough time was talking to them for a long time and was saying that the guy that D used to get free was really good, they said that they were triggered by the guys site and they got punished for going there

I said well maybe someday cause I think a lot of the things that are going on have lots to do with programming and I dont think their T knows enough about that to help and they went off line, I am just worried that maybe they felt hopeless about everything cause I said that? yes I know the T would say that's is their issue, but we try so hard to be careful with our words and the last think we want to do is hurt someone when things are so hard already :( I feel like an idiot 

all I want to do is get in bed and stay there, I hate there is so much evil in the world so much abuse I just hate it
I dont wanna go out tomorrow but I will make myselves :(
mixed of bunch of mixups

Bjs 

Monday the great

I thought I would write because it's been a whole week since I have.  Today I went to school with the kids being with the kids was uneventful.  I always get there early so I decided to go to the cafeteria, to get some lunch.  I had Olsen, I grabbed a tray and ended up spilling it on the floor (great) they got me another tray I went into the teacher's lounge.  I was done with my food and trying to get out of the door this is very hard because of the narrow hallway so I can't get exactly to one side my foot rest was wedged in against the door I had to let Olsen go by this time a child was coming over to help me but when I let Olsen go of course she had to scream very loudly so all her friends with know one of the teachers finally got up and help me out the door I told my friend Sandy I am never going into that cafeteria again she said she would help me get what I wanted so if I wanted anything just to tell her

Luckily my right was there right on time and I didn't have to wait made me really happy.  I ordered Olsen his favorite chews and they came in the mail today I know this update was pretty lame but oh well the only thing I felt like saying I guess
goodnight to me myself and I

Lonely frustrated and scared

Today is Friday I went out with Stacy to lunch in the movie we saw Michael Clayton it was a really good movie and I went to Wal-Mart and got Olsen to drummel that I wanted to tomorrow is the festival at the church gosh how I don't want to go I am still fighting the urge to self injure it's taking so much out of me I am trying my best I am so unhappy at this moment I feel so invisible I feel like nobody knows how much I I am hurting, and I guess that's true no one does I feel so alone so far away from everything and everyone I wish so much I could give up

I should've went to bed a couple of hours ago like I planned but now it's 10:30 p.m. I am so sad so tired so lost

I am going to go having trouble focusing on the screen don't want to switch who knows if I go to bed so better leave while I still have the power to do so I hate this life I hate the way I am

frustrated totally

gosh I feel so crappy, didnt go to school today. started getting a headache at 9:30 last night. got up took meds and some extra seroquel cause things have been really hard internally. my head got progressively fworse, got up at 2 am and took some advil, I was in so much pain, at 3 am I didnt know what to do was hurting so bad and my stomach was queasy. I was getting in my chair and threw up (least it wasnt in the bed) called Larissa, my aide I knew she was with her main client, she couldnt come till he woke up cause she didnt want him to get scared if she wasnt there, so I got back in bed. Olsen was so worried about me he stayed close to me in bed the whole time. I fell asleep for a bit Larissa came at 5 and cleaned my chair and the floor. I called at 6 to canc my ride to the school. I feel better than I did but the head still hurts a bit
Not firmly planted either, I think I am suppose to go out with Dan his wife and that guy he wants me to meet, but I not sure, I called him twice yesterday left a message for him to call me cause I am not sure when we are suppose to meet, he is playing golf, so left two messages for his wife to call me because if its tomorrow I need to make my transport arrangements, she hasnt called so if it is tomorrow and she doesnt call on time I am not going to be able to go. I am going to the school tomorrow cause I told another teacher I will come to speak to his students about Olsen so will make that trip and F him

the parents are here they bought a stand for the TV because the reason I am having so much trouble seeing it is cause of the angle I look from when in bed, so this will fix that cause it could move all over, but the cable ppl said besides that my signal isnt good so they are coming out thursday.

I am so down, hate myself right now hate DID and everything it brings and hate them for abusing me in the first place :(


 

ramblings from me and the wall

 

Today is Wednesday, I'm still not used to going to the therapist on Wednesday it kind of messes up my whole week just that little change. The teacher called back that wanted us to speak to his class tomorrow saying that he forgot the schedule change so now somehow we agreed to do all his classes on Tuesday instead of the two classes that is a lot of classes and we are idiots for agreeing to it poor Olsen

We are really tired I think we are going to take our medicine and go to bed really soon one disadvantage of being multiple is never being able to truly take a vacation you're all stuck together whether you want to be or not and it stinks totally

and no one gets paid for their service's no retirement fund, no overtimepay and no sick time totally unfair what did we do to deserve this? Abuse to be abused again, over and over and over there is no way to leave it. There is no way to leave us and there is no way to leave the people that hurt us because they are burned in our memory and in our minds are pictures that we see. They Affect our body our ability to function our energy our dreams and our nightmares why are we holding certain ones off maybe they are right maybe they have the right idea? Okay so things happen so what? Move on already! Why are we being tortured? Seeing it, hearing it and feeling? Personally I want out!

Whoever I am, I am not me I am not you I am nothing no one no where invisible no one sees me no one knows me no one hears me just i am here, when you need me but yet I am not free I am stuck in the body that I don't want people that I don't like against my will I am here there is no fear there is just hate because there's no escape never forever I'm here even though I thought I had disappeared it was a cruel joke that no one spoke until I found myself once again. I will never be your friend, I was never meant to be a friend, to be understood or cared about, just part of the wall that broke now there are too many holes too much to unfold, this is not what was suppose to happen this is not what I want, but no one cares so why should I? the one who is not enough to have a name part of the numb ppl

Back again

feeling better than we were, got some rest now hungry but won't eat, we ate 2 doughnuts and had some choc milk this morning, we are thinking about too many things shouldnt have let Barb talk to joe even tho she did good and told him that we are open to maybe moving up there in the future depending how things work out, but it would be a huge change and its a change that she didnt know if she could make, told him that she needed to take things slow

He told her he needed her? she told him that she did love him ect so there is a total war in here now, on top of that hearing about the boy that was so abused at freedom village has brought up so much shit this is not good, we are trying really hard not to self harm but the urge is really strong 

wish it wasn't there, but it is so many are mad about so many different things dont know what to do, just know if our fingers are typing this is good but hard to even type cause can't hold out to what ppl are saying, maybe we should take some meds 
 going to try and watch deseprate house wives 
bye 

From foggy eyes

I have been sitting here for a long time. So many thoughts going through my head so many opinions so many wants and needs but I am sitting here frozen I think I've been here for a couple of hours not really doing much of anything the TV isn't even on but I am sitting here I don't know why I feel so afraid so sad so hopeless so powerless I know someone wants to hurt the body maybe that's why I'm sitting here frozen afraid to move if I stay still maybe I will stay in control? But my legs hurt because they've been hanging down don't have my foot rests on I am really thirsty don't think I've drank anything today I think I'm going to go try and lay down I just needed to write this so I didn't spend all these hours for nothing I wish so much I could start over in another time and another place

sincerely foggy eyes

Thursday

Today is Thursday my second day at school. It went well I think it's going to be an easy year although I don't think I should say that considering that it was only the second day me and Stacy were supposed to go out for the second time she didn't call me to let me know she wasn't coming which is not cool this is the third time this week she changed the day

I am tired of stupid guy Beau finally called me I was trying to thank him for the ugly picture he made me and then when I told him I needed to go he hung up on me yes he definitely has issues no doubt I am not hanging that ugly thing on my wall

I am not feeling really good but I don't know what's wrong emotionally I am really tired but there is a lot of sadness I don't know why and I don't know where it's coming from I just feel very draining I have had a busy week that's probably it. I have to go somewhere to be at a booth for canine companions for four hours gosh I wish I didn't have to go oh well going to lay down now

 

hopes dreams and fear

Today is Wednesday, I had a good birthday. Boy did I get a surprise on Monday Joe's mother called me from his house to say happy birthday boy was I surprised LOL but I was even more surprised to find out that Joe was divorced these last six months or so I have been thinking about him and saying to myself maybe he'll get a divorce, and then yelling at myself that I was crazy well actually others yelling at me that I was crazy I totally can't believe this when he got married I think it was about five years ago I was happy for him but I was so sad at the same time because I realize that that moment how much I really loved him and wish that I could be with him forever

Now maybe I have the chance? I have known him since 1973 that's when we moved to Florida I love his mother in his step dad they have been so good to me throughout the years me and Joe went to concerts together he sent me flowers quite often on my birthdays he was always there even through my problems although I didn't tell him much and gosh I didnt know much, thats a whole nother issues a big one

he has an accessible house that he got through Habitat for Humanity. I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself but at the same time when the time is right I am going to tell him how I feel he is the only person I truly think that I could live with that I want to live with. He lives in Lakeland it would mean leaving a lot of things behind a lot of people behind and I don't know if I could do it but I do think it's possible that I could and the fact that I think it's possible is pretty awesome within itself

I've tried to call him a couple of times but for one reason or another we couldn't talk and I have been abnormally busy this week so I'm going to try again tomorrow when I get home from working with the kids Joe has severe cerebral palsy, I used to think I wanted somebody that would be able to take care of me in all aspects of life but now I know so much of what I thought was important when you get down to it means absolutely nothing

if this does happen I would have a family a real family of my own but that is too hard to think about for right now because it brings up a lot of feelings mainly negative Ones that there's no way that will ever happen so I will leave that for now and just see what tomorrow brings one day at a time

good night for now

my Friday and the other stuff

 

Beth took off work today and we met to go to the movies. We saw the Brave one with Jodie Foster it was really good lots of violence but not so much that it overpowered the goodness of the movie. I had salmon to eat and was really proud of myself but then I came home and I ate three doughnuts I don't understand why I do these things. Tomorrow one of the ladies that works for wheelchair transport invited me out to dinner for my birthday she always remembers my birthday because I think her fathers is the day after mine. But now the last thing I want to do is eat

I tried to set up up a my space I bought this program that was supposed to help you I kept having errors all the time so I went there and try to do with myself man I was confused yes I guess we are getting old

I am feeling quite jumbled right now so many things are going around in my head but only bits and pieces of different conversation I can't hold on to any enough to decipher anything I am really tired I haven't been sleeping well I haven't been taking too much extra Seroquel because the last time I did I would still love for a couple of hours afterwords and then exhausted for the next day. I am so tired of these nightmares

I did discover a neat thing today, this new mouse I got is rechargeable but the batteries don't last very long well it stopped working and I thought to myself I bet this thing will work plugged in why not? And it sure did yes I am getting old LOL I'm so tired that I don't want to go to bed for some reason I am stressed out about this festival at the church not that I need anything to make me stressed out but then I'm supposed to do the thing for canine companions on the 29th and then go to the workshop for Olsen on October 6 I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed but I think it's only because I'm tired.

As far as that guy wrote about in my last entry I am keeping him at more than an arms length he wants to do too many things to fast, there is a difference between being lonely and being needy, I'm sure he definitely is lonely but the neediness is stronger than anything else so for lots of reasons we are not going to well let's just put it this way we are going to stay on high alert where he is concerned

I am going to start of the school on Monday I hope everything goes okay I guess that's all for now I feel like there's so much on my mind but I can't get a hold of any of it very frustrating

I'm going to take some extra pills tonight and hopefully sleep but going to call dalton first of course LOL

goodnight to me and the universe

I am trying to get in the habit of writing again I relaxed a lot today there is a spot on the back of my leg that always ends up getting pinched especially when I is different bathrooms I know it's weird that I don't feel like going through everything as to why it happens that just take my word on it anyway needless to say I am very uncomfortable so I've been trying to lay down a lot today Larissa came and washed my hair thank goodness and I took Olsen out to brush him really well, he really needed it especially since this is the first time we rushed him really good since we've been back home boy the hair was flying! LOL

we have to go to a meeting Wednesday for this stupid committee we are on what a mess this has been

One of our neighbors who has lived here as long as we have asked us to come have dinner with him tomorrow we found out we have quite a bit in common with him, we don't want to hurt his feelings we accepted his invitation even though we really didn't want to, he seems to be going way too fast for our liking, he called today he wanted us to come to dinner tonight but we said we were laying down which we were we don't like doing things out of the blue like that, then he wanted us to come to church with him or temple I should say which we are not opposed to doing we think it may be interesting but he seems to go too fast, he is from California he was adopted and abused by his adopted family. He became a nurse was minding his own business walking down the street when he was attacked by members of a gang. This caused severe damage to his back, he is in constant pain all the time and takes morphine he walks as much as he's able with crutches and braces. he also self injures/injured when he looked at our arm and said he did too (goody) NOT

He was married for a short time his wife died of cancer and I guess what worrying us a lot in that he made a comment that are name, the first initials and middle are the same as his wife's. He said how he cleaned up his apartment because he wanted to invite us over

so we are going to go over his house tomorrow to have spaghetti, I wish Barb wasn't so nice because everybody's on alert now, I can tell you that we are not going to make this a habit that's for sure and damn Spaghetti? to eat that in front of another person? well it aint going to be me thats for damn sure
(as us chimes in)

anyway I guess we better go to bed

 someone

so confused

Been forever since I've written here I think it will help if I start again I went to New York I'm glad I did just don't understand why some things happened. Do I have a sign on my head that says abuse me? I just don't get it, why do people think it's okay to talk to me like I AM nothing? Yes I need help not a lot of help but I do need some I was trying so hard to put my bra on I could not do it

Things take me so much longer than the average person for the most part. So why do people complain about things that take them literally two seconds? I will never understand that, the therapist said we are entitled to be warm and comfortable. But how does she know that? Just because other people are entitled to that doesn't mean that we are.

What makes a person entitled to those things? Just because they're on the earth? Because there are a lot of people on the earth and lots of them aren't warm or comfortable and they never have been, they were told they were enemies of their families and told that the problems in the family were their fault but the therapist said what happened was not our fault with the cousins

If so many people feel the same way about us, it must be something we're doing or that we did? I wish so much we can go away because I just don't think we belong here. I think we never have I know they say that God doesn't make mistakes but I just feel sometimes that maybe he did with us?

It's hard not to think that if our body wasn't broken that maybe those people would love us, people say to your face that they love you but if that were true they would never hurt you in the first place

it so hard to feel like you don't belong to anyone or anywhere and it is so hard to know that you never will, cause a person can truly only have one mom and dad, the body is too old to be adopted :( this makes us want to cry and cry

I don't understand why God has made the choices that he has. I know they say God doesn't punish people especially when they're trying to be good but we can't help but think we did something wrong, something to be punished for because almost from the start we were hurt by people that are supposed to love us

We are just confused about everything, people always say God has a reason for everything but what could it be his reason for this?

We will go now and write more tomorrow

MANY BUT NO ONE

Finally writing this Wednesday

Finally writing again

Today is Wednesday that I'm sure of not sure of much else. Stayed in bed a lot today and most likely will go back there lots more. Yesterday they drained a liter and a half of a fluid from Anita's lung they are going to do the other one today.

So much has been happening of my brain is so scattered I can even remember most of it except the course of Ruthie situation I still can't get over it every time I think of her gross comes to mind I was nauseous for the longest time my stomach is still not doing the best but its better have been having a hard time taking my pills at night I've been doing it of course its just not easy my stomach does flip-flops

I think I am pretty depressed kind of hard to know for sure though because I think I always have some depression all the time if that's possible? Just not in a very good space I feel like self harming so much at a given and for that I am glad I felt more grounded yesterday now I am back to feeling the wet spongy feeling

Patrice called and invited me to Panera bread with a friend of hers I am going to go but I don't want to not even one bit I hate it that I don't want to I wish that I did

Guess that's enough for now hopefully next time I'll have something exciting to say

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