why is everything hard?

Hi everyone, I feel like I'm going to loose my mind.  I was talking to the mom I called over there because Rudolph the red nosed reindeer was on and I wanted to make sure the kids knew in case they wanted to watch it.  I told them that Larissa was coming with me Christmas eve. (For those who don't know Larissa is my aide she helps me get dressed in the morning and is there while I take a shower she has been my aide for seven years or more) the mother says but Christmas is for family.  I told her that Larissa had no where to go.  All her family lives in Europe, the parents know that.  I said what's the big deal I would've told her earlier but I kept forgetting to do so and she said it's not a big deal.  I reminded her that my friend Terry had come for Christmas Eve one year, she said that wasn't true I told her to look at the pictures of when my niece was first born, there is a picture of me holding her and he is next to me. and asked why does it matter?  She says it didn't, I asked why she had said anything then? she didn't answer

 

Now for the second part

 

First I have to give a little background.  On Saturday the parents met us at Beth's  house to put a grab bar in her bathroom. My cousin Sheila is coming down from the Dominican Republic to be there for when my mom has surgery in January.  When she comes down we are going Orlando for a few days while she's here. I was talking to Beth about coming with us but then I remembered last time when Sheila was here I invited a friend that happened to be over my house to come to dinner with us Sheila was furious I could tell by the look she gave me, it was terrible and she immediately went outside and when after her she said that she just wanted it to be the two of us that didn't even occur to me I am used to just asking who's ever around I feel like the more the merrier I had to actually go back in the house and tell the lady I was sorry but we would have to go out another time I was so embarrassed

 

I remember this and I told Beth about it and said  maybe it wouldn't be a good idea the mother was there and she was going oh yeah she is  like that and on and on and she was going along like she didn't understand why she was like that either

 

Back to current time

 

After she said that about Larissa I said you guys are just weird.  She said why are you saying us guys I'm the one that said it your father didn't say it?  I said it was a figure of speech mom.  She goes on to say yeah I can't believe you invited another lady to dinner when Sheila was there.  I said what?  I said you didn't have a problem with it when we were at Beths house. She said what you want me to say that around Beth? I said why are you bringing this up?  It was two weeks ago.  She said I don't know I just am not feeling good.  I said so what is it you want me to feel bad to? She said I got to go

 

I called Beth just to make sure I wasn't crazy and that the mom acted like she had no problems with me inviting that lady when shiela was there, that she couldn't understand why that was

 

I just don't get it its not like I wanted to invite Frankenstein over Larissa has been there for me when ever I needed her I never have to worry that someone isn't going to show up. The therapist always says I am not going to change them and I know that but I don't know how to keep it from hurting me.  The only way I can get through things is to try to make sense of them.  I also know that some things don't make sense and never will.  But then I'm back to the same question. How do I make it not hurt? Is that possible to do? Is it ever possible?  If so how does one do that?

 

If it wasn't for the fact that my grandma is very sick actually she's getting some better but it wasn't for her and the fact that my favorite aunts going to be their Christmas Eve I wouldn't even go. I will be alone on Christmas day for the first time. It's going to be strange

Barb

 

One person with many parts all hoping for freedom to be themselves in this crazy world of oneness

 

                                    

 

short update

This is Saturday, slept most of the day I had a good time at the light tour it was a lot of fun. The food was really good to especially the potatoes. My mind is kind of blank don't know if that makes sense don't really feel like going to church either but the Cantata is tomorrow so hopefully I'll enjoy that just a short update and the grandmother is sick I think they are going to take her to the emergency room bye

Too many feelings not enough room

Hi feeling so down, its December How did it get to be this time again? I wish the world could just stop so some how I can catch up. I am just sad, my struggle with food persists I was so hungry yesterday and ate almost a whole pizza :( than nothing today. its a battle but the thing is if I am honest I just want to eat less and less, I am not abnormally thin if fact i would be considered over weight. probably because the majority of time I don't eat anything nutritious  just eat junk.

 

also i know there are those among us that don't care for Dr Phil :) so bare with me's if your reading this.

 

They have had three shows now about this 2 year old girl, when she was 1. the mother wanted her father to be involved in her life. To make a long story short and easier to read, they very quickly thought she was being abused by the Dad. the mom got a call from the hosp that something happened. well she didn't want this man involved with her daughter of course.

 

the man said no way (surprise) they gave all three lie detector tests. The mom and her mom passed he failed every single question.

 

he went to his town, took another test and passed, but one part wasn't scored by the police department, with no exclamation why. when scored again showed deception. The Judge still gave the man unsupervised visits with the child, and if the mother didn't give him to her for that visitation, she would be in contempt, spend 15 days in jail and darning that time HE would have the child. I am just so sad for this child and it just brought a lot of stuff up.

 

One time, my T said if the Psycho dad ever admitted what he did to me he would probably blow his head off. In the show, the man said If he ever abused his child he would blow his head off.  they were hard shows to watch but i am so glad I did because it showed me, no matter how much evidence they had to the contrary this man never admitted anything. That was validating to me because it shows how ppl will go to any length to hide their sickness.

 

On the first show Dr Phil didn't believe the mother when she told him she was blown off by DPS. On the third show she came back with her lawyer to verified that yes they did basically. He had to choose his words very careful, but Dr Phil was very well educated that DPS doesn't always err on the side of caution or what is in the child's best interest for this I am glad. it just stirred up so much in me and i just needed to write thanks 

Sad Barbara by herself

 

One person with many parts all hoping for freedom to be themselves in this crazy world of oneness

 

                                    

 

My week and will the real multiples stand up

It is Sunday, I stayed home from church I slept for a lot of the day I needed a break so much that I can't decide if it helped me to have one or not for the majority of the week I had nightmares awful awful dreams most of the worse ones happened during the day I think. I am feeling pretty depressed and tired. You wouldn't think I would be tired sense all I've been doing a sleeping. I ate better than usual for the last two days but I feel like crap my head hurts and I just don't feel good. I canceled my ride to the school tomorrow, I thought I was going to be watching Dawson he is sick. Yolanda didn't call, but I canceled it anyway truth be told I really didn't want to go.

It seems like when I get the time that I really need to rest I get rest but that's not all I get. People inside assert themselves. What they will do, what they won't do, who they will talk to who, they won't talk to and what they will do to accomplish their goals a lot of which aren't good goals to have. In my opinion

And I'm so tired of non multiples weighing in on things that are for us. A sourcebook is for people that need it not for people that want to study. I am just not in a very good mood right now I am tired of Bob, I don't care what he thinks about books for multiples I don't care what he thinks about anything in the context of multiples or multiplicity just needed to say that. Going to go lay back down, right now I wish I could stay there forever

our Thanksgiving Day

Today Thanksgiving Day started ok except  lots more bad dreams Yolanda Dawson and Larissa came. That was nice, the food was really good Dawson and Joseph had a great time playing together. The psycho dad put then higher toilet in their bathroom for some reason I couldn't do it but that happens to me sometimes the first time I try. I called mom in there but I still couldn't do it I was on the edge of my seat I told her to get the psycho dad no one came I started yelling and yelling and yelling finally he comes in I was like where were you? he said I was out in the Van then my brother told me when I was still in there not to yell when he's talking on the phone to somebody I said you  idiot I was falling, didn't you have any idea that something might be wrong? I mean what did he think I was yelling for my health?

And then there's Olsen, I decided to brush him last night about 12:30 a.m. because I really hadn't in a couple of days probably in about a week to be honest. I brushed and brushed and brushed well what does he do? Even though the pool was covered to keep the heat in, he jumps right in LOL there went my brushing now he's just exhausted on the couch another Thanksgiving over another year is gone

I am not going to do anything tomorrow more relaxing I hope I don't have any more bad dreams last night was the worst yet so bad that I can't even write it but it's one of those that I never will forget just like lots of them lately

Who knows who knows who

why? but still proud

Why do people have to say hurtful things? I'm just minding my own business, having enough trouble as it is. Why can't people just leave me alone?

Sorry had to change the color Barb NLN sent me an e-mail to one address I didn't block of hers actually, she sent it to the owners address of the list thing not to use the picture she made for me. And on and on this means that someone on the list has been talking about me behind my back. I am not going to let it get to me, it's just that the truth means a lot to me and I would not lie about someone. I think the only person I have ever lied about is to myself about myself. And that's only because I need to sometimes because if I was truthful about everything. I think I would be too scared to keep going to keep trying. I know that's a weird logic, it makes sense to me, though. And I guess that's all that matters

All in all, I am proud of myself though if this situation had happened a year ago maybe. I probably wouldn't stand up for myself. All I did was care. I was honest with her, if someone told you they were down to 88 pounds and you knew they were taking diet pills. Not only that but they told you they were going to die if they stayed where they were and that they were going back to a place where they were horribly abused, that their parents, who were responsible for that abuse were out of prison, that this person had changed her name to get away from the people. But now were going back, wouldn't any logical person be afraid for their friends? Would I have been  a friend, if I didn't tell her I was afraid and scared for her? So I told her my fears

The next day I get a nasty letter from her saying that if I was truly her friends. I would support her, that everyone else has I really don't remember a lot of it. But she was very critical of me and told me that if I couldn't support her. Basically that she didn't want anything to do with me. I wrote her letter, told her that it wasn't that I didn't support her that I was scared for her and didn't want to loose her and that that's where my comments were born from. I told her I wasn't going to say I was wrong for caring about her and that if she wanted to get in touch with me she knows where I am of course before she wrote me the nasty letter. She left, the list. Once again

A few months later, I got the picture she made for me with me in a wheelchair. So I contacted her, and we talked. I asked her if she'd like to try again, she said she would like that. She rejoined the list and then the dreaded subject came up about people feeling they were born multiple, to make that story a little shorter. She put me down in front of the whole list, and with our friendship,Being in the fragile state it was, That was it for me. Not only did she keep a subject going that was real hurtful to someone that was new to our list but she put me down in the process

I know I made the right decision. I know I needed to end things after I got yet another mean message but I feel guilty. I feel guilty because of secret and little girl. Viney was thier first friend but not only that. We don't give our heart to just anybody and we don't give it easily. So there is a lot of hurt, but still we are proud that we stood up for what we believed was right we didn't say we were wrong just to keep the friendship because we knew it would just keep happening if we didn't agree with everything she said or thought that is  what we have to hold on to

We are going to go try and sleep we want to stay home so much tomorrow, but we won't, I hope church goes okay, because way too much has happened lately we need peace

we hope some will to us tomorrow

trying to get back in the habit of writing

Not sure what to say, just want to try to get in the habit again writing because I haven't in a long time I'm going to the trailer of the parents have on Wednesday. Really don't feel like going, but they fixed the bathroom, so hopefully I can use it. So I'm going to go check that out. I can't let Olsen get wet because it won't wash his advantage off but he can still run around. I hope I can sleep good. I took an hour now. Kind of late, but I couldn't help I couldn't stay awake just feeling weird is the best way I can describe it. I guess just feeling kind of numb not firmly planted, but it's different than usual. Maybe it's just cause my body is tired. I almost feel like I'm being blocked from everybody else right now. I don't know. Oh well like I said, I just wanted to get back in the habit of writing here. I know I said I had a lot to say and when I said that I probably did LOL. But I don't remember much in the last couple of days at all

Maybe I'll feel better if I get some sleep

and April if you read this get in touch with me am worried about you

I have so much to say

have so much i need to talk about but its late so much inside goodnight for now

many are talking Sunday

Yesterday I cleaned my table on my desk. I was looking for my checkbook, and once I started I couldn't stop so I was up till 2:00 a.m., which was really 1:00 a.m. because of the time change. I was really tired when I woke up, but I didn't have any nightmares. So I was glad they were 10 minutes early, picking me up today  from church I couldn't believe it as soon as I got home I got in bed and I stayed there. I think till about 6:30 p.m. haven't been eating good for the last couple of days, but it makes me so happy. Makes me feel good. Like I accomplished something, I know that's messed up thinking but we all know that I'm messed up anyway right? Gosh I can't believe it already Monday almost, but I don't have to leave till 1 p.m.. So it won't be too bad. I went to see Annie on Friday it was so awesome. It's the best musical I've ever seen, and we had great seats. I have never seen such talented kids before the whole crew was great, but the kids wow is all I can say.

My friend Mrs. Erwin is coming down in January. I am so excited. I am embarrassed though, I wrote to her and asked if maybe she could come to my house and we could walk to the mall, because I wanted her to see my home, that it wasn't too far yada, yada, yada. Well she wrote back saying that I probably didn't remember. But she had come here the first year I moved (which was three years ago). And we had walked to the mall. I know it shouldn't be a big thing, and it's not I guess, but it just lets me know how much I don't remember all the time and it lets her know to. I know that it's part of being me, but when it hits me right in the face like that. It's still hard, and it makes me think that I haven't come far at all. Even though logically I know I have in some ways.

Something interesting happened, the mom called me on the phone this morning. Or this afternoon, I mean, I told her I was sleeping. She said let me just tell you this one thing, and she had an excitement in her voice. I said okay, what? she said, I checked the book "when rabbit howls." Out from the library, have you ever read that book? I said yeah, that's an old book, and she said, it figures. And that was the end of the conversation. The plot thickens as far as the mom goes. She went to get her blood drawn on Friday before we went to the play. She had a panic attack. They were having trouble getting her blood drawn, and she started crying. And I forgot what else she said, but she asked me if I thought it was a panic attack. And I said yes, I really feel bad for her that she has to have more surgery in January to fix the many hernias that she has the doctor said she would be in the hospital at least a week. I hope this is the last surgery she will have to have. She did say. Now I know why you don't want to have to have surgery.

Well I guess that's all for now. I'm still tired even though I slept a lot. I am going to go back to bed and say a prayer that the kids are good tomorrow. And then I'm well rested.

Many of us are here, but few of us are heard

whats happening with me's

I don't know where to start well I guess I will start from where I can remember. Monday, when I went to school. The guy was an hour late to pick me up then he stopped to get gas. I was really late they were there on time to pick me up to take me home at 4:15 but I didn't get home till six o'clock. I was so frustrated. I called the supervisor while I was still on the Van. They're going to get me my own driver again, and I know who it is her name is Cindy. She's really nice so I am happy. I hope it works out. Time will tell I guess I was so tired I didn't feel like going to school today. I have been having really bad nightmares, one of the dreams. There were people getting killed, and all kinds of stuff those are the kind that I will remember for always, although I don't remember the whole thing. And I usually do when I have vivid dreams like that. I have been having lots of problems sleeping. Yesterday I went to the church to have my picture taken for the directory. I was so excited, because the lady that usually cuts my hair fixed it really nice. I would give anything to be able to use a curling iron, but lack of coordination and a curling iron don't go good together LOL. I got a few things at target

I went to sleep again early this morning I slept till nine got up and took Olsen out and fed him. Then went back to sleep until one and laid in bed till 3:31 Larissa came I went to the church for the study are having and luckily I didn't have to wait long for my ride.

I love my wireless. Its so cool. I actually love this AOL too I can see it so clear. And now I have everything working great. My reading software my wireless and my dictating software love it love it love it. I get to sleep in tomorrow also and were going to see Annie at Ruth Eckard Hall I love musicals. I love any theater really is my most favorite thing to watch. The only thing I didn't like was Rent for some reason I could not understand at all. It was really weird.

I forgot to say that Olsen was able to play with some kids that were at the church. While we were eating dinner, I got to run and run and run. I just love to watch him run. Anyway I guess that's all for now.

From me myself and I of BJ's crowd

Today was a good day overall, the kids were really good.  I saw Christy finally she keeps telling me she still has my birthday present to give me the kids were about to leave today.  I looked under Myia's desk and thought I saw envelope said Barb on it and sure enough it did it was the card from Christy Miya song I open it and she said.  Can I have that?  As she was trying to grab the money LOL.  Anyway I told Christy she should pick a different student if she has to give me anything in the future it was a cute card it had one of those hairless dogs on it today was the first day in a long time that I wasn't in pain.  My arm didn't hurt my neck didn't hurt I hope it last and really it was the first day I felt awake I slept a lot.  I am so happy.  I'm not going anywhere tomorrow on Saturday, I told the parents I would go to their house in Homassa don't really want to,  they think I'm going  to spend a lot of time there.  And really  I don't know why they would think that I found out that everybody is going to New York next meaning my immediate family next month for my uncle and aunts 50th wedding anniversary they didn't even tell me about but of course grandma would in her sick way I'm sure it made her happy to tell me.  Somehow gave her enjoyment of course when I asked the mom about it.  She said oh, I thought I  told you.  I have been saying for a year that I would like to go to New York.  But again, it's too much trouble.  I'm too much trouble.  So again I am set apart,  just like they didn't tell me about my nephew's birthday party and other things I don't get it But yet they want me to come to their trailer to spend time with them?  Why would I want to go there to be in a trailer in close quarters with the psycho dad?  Why do they want to make a bathroom that I can get into there?  But yet it took them a year at least to lower a bar in their bathroom that is close by? and I had to continuously ask them to do that  then i finally told them i wasnt coming over until they fixed it cause it was too hard for me.  it maybe took 5 mins after he found the studs to do it    I just don't know Why didn't I tell them I didn't want to go?  Well the good thing is, they don't have a bathroom I can use yet.  So I'm not to be able to stay very long and even if I can I won't so it won't be too bad.  And I'll get to see my favorite little Greyhound or I should say my favorite big Greyhound.  My little fawn and Olsen will get to run in their yard and I think they have one of those little baby pools to so he will have fun and I will have fun watching him the mother accidentally opened one of my brothers credit card bills.  Yeah sure it was an accident LOL any way he got 3000 dollars cash in one month.  The mom she thinks his goal is to declare bankrupt, I said, what kind of goal is that?  I am really worried about him.  I know he loves me and I don't know that about anybody else in my family.  I just feel something bad is going to happen he's drinking and driving I think I might have already written about that I am so tired.  Going to go to bed

a totally boring update

I don't think I have written in a couple of days today is Tuesday. Yesterday I went to the school the kids were okay. Julien didn't want to work, and I was really frustrated when the day ended the teacher told me that his mom had written that he probably would be Un-coropertive because he had a busy weekend. I told Ms. Lafemina that I wish she would have told me and that I wouldn't have been so frustrated when he totally ignored me. The driver was 45 minutes late picking me up the traffic was awful. So I didn't get home till about 6 p.m.. today we went to see Dawn I was really tired. Don't remember much about it at all. Came home and got a sandwich I went to sleep for quite a few hours. I am still really tired. The only thing I have to do tomorrow is have a meeting with JoAnn about my support plan for the next year. Totally boring, then nothing for the rest of the day I thank goodness. I guess that's all I know this was pretty lame, but oh well. Good night to us from us wherever we are

the workshop with Olsen

In doing a back dated entry. I hope it works I wanted to write about Orlando. I had fun I wish there were more people that I knew there. the first thing we did was have quickest, sit contest Olsen was the first one out LOL. When I went to Orlando to get him. They told me not to correct him for sitting slow that they had tried to fix it. And that was just him I thought he had a better chance, though, because he has been sitting faster since I have had him but true to form he was the first one out LOL he is such a danty sitter then there was a presentation on aging just what I wanted to hear. Then there was lunch the dad stayed out in the Van the whole time which was good for me. He came in to check with me right before lunch. I told him we were going to have lunch and he went to McDonald's LOL. He is so weird. Well, I know that nothing new, but the thing is, if the mom had been there or anybody else in quote. The family he would have come in to spread his psycho-ness around or to me. Anyway, he would have constantly annoyed me or make comments to the people around about me

Then after lunch there was a presentation about giving presentations. It started off okay, but it ended up being. Look how wonderful me and my dog are. I was right next to the guy and I was about to go get a pin to deflate his head and a shovel so he could dig himself out, LOL. I did get a chuckle though when he said he groomed his  dog for an hour every day. That was quite halirous to me I laughed to myself, and i wondered if his dog had gold toe nails or something LOL  but I made a comment on the comments sheet about it  anyway it was okay and the psycho dad wasn't too psycho, it was good over all

Its been awhile since I have written yesterday I went to the movies I saw the departed with Jack Nicholson. It was very violent, but other than that it was a good movie. Then I went to church for dinner at Bible study that was okay, but I was so tired that I think my head bobbed a little bit threw the Bible study but oh well. I came home and I don't remember much of the rest of the night, I don't think today I got up and waited for Larissa. So she could dye my hair I was so tired that I couldn't even keep my eyes open hardly when she left I blew it dry and went to bed. Slept for about two hours, then got up and took Olsen  out and brushed him really good. I wanted him to look nice for the workshop tomorrow. I don't know who is going to bring me at this point. My brother or the psycho dad the mom told me that if he doesn't get up by a certain time. The psycho dad will come I am really worried about my brother again. The mom tells me that he was drinking and he saw cops. So he pulled over and call a cab. The a cab took an hour and a half to get their the next day The grandmother told him she would bring him to get his car, but he said no and called a cab again. It was like 60 dollars each time. He has no money is living on credit cards I just don't know what's going to happen to him. I hope it goes okay tomorrow. I'm excited. I'm still having strange stuff happen with my arm sometimes it feels soft and it doesn't hurt and other times it feels hard. And it's sore again my neck is a lot better, but it's still sore. Its never lasted this long, but I can move it pretty well. I just have trouble turning it to the right, I am hungry but I don't want to eat because it's late and I know they're going to have lunch at the workshop is going to be so nice seeing everybody. I always get so uplifted when I am around them they will get to see how awesome Olsen is LOL. I am so proud of my boy I will write again when I get home. I don't believe much in luck anymore so I guess I will say. I hope I will have lots of good blessings tomorrow and for those of you that pray any prayers would be appreciated

goodnight once again, all of BJ's crowd

my filled up day

am so tired, but I wanted to write. I have been having so much problems the last two days. I can't remember anything. I keep having to call and ask what time my rides are for Olsen's got the point and it wasn't till two and I made my picked up for 12:15 p.m.. Then I couldn't remember what time I was supposed to be picked up even though I asked this morning now I am not sure when my pick up is for tomorrow I am so frustrated. They let me drop Olsen off early at pet Smart I went to get a burger. Then I went to family Christian stores, I got a new keychain and two T-shirt I got my friend Patrice a book about breast cancer. It's a Journal, but it also gives information and encouragement. It has questions to answer to help you deal with certain situations. I am worried about Patrice, I just seems really depressed wouldn't be with what she's gone through I just wish I realize that she could talk about it and she doesn't think its just when she starts crying. She stopped herself, and I think that's what she most needs to do. Just cry and let it how. And let me or somebody be there with her so she is not alone with it all she wants me to find out if it would be possible for her to be a puppy raiser. How she we deal with teaching the puppy to potty symptom would be hard for her to run with the puppy outside fast. Maybe they have some sort of solution, because I know there have been puppy raisers that have been in chairs before. So I hope it works out, because it's hard to be depressed with the puppy around LOL. My brother might go with me to Orlando Saturday instead of the dad. Or I should say, the psycho dad. He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies, because the kids are in Georgia for a week I told him about Orlando and he said maybe he'll take me. So we would get to talk. I said I would love that I don't really want to spend the whole day with dad. I said, I know baby. I don't blame you, he said he'll get his people to talk to my people. I wonder what that means LOL maybe he has people? Just kidding, but then again, I guess anything is possible. Anyway I hope it works out that he will come that would be really cool going to bed now. Goodnight, whoever you are

its Monday again

Today was okay. We went to the school the last period of the day is really hard. There are a lot of kids there that are not usually in our class. I have to constantly tell this one group of kids. Please stop banging your desk. Please put your feet down pay attention over and over and over, but I'm proud of myself because I have been able to hold my cool. Or I should say. I've been able to keep others from losing theirs, which is not easy. The teacher is treating me as an equal now, and that really helps. I don't feel I have to ask her for every little thing. When the kids are misbehaving, I jump right in last year, she used to ask me what happened all the time, which made me feel kind of less than or more accurately, not an equal. The principal asked me about the boy that I was talking to last week apparently he got into it with another teacher and the principal was asking me that I see it. And I told him no. But then when I thought about it. he probably did get into it with her i just turned around and made a call I heard him talking to somebody Either way, I didn't see enough to help. So I guess I shouldn't let it bother me. I don't know if my arm is better or not, every time I think it feels better. It seems to start hurting worse. My neck is still hurting. Like I said, I guess I'm getting old have been at my computer most of the day. I am excited about the website. It's almost ready I'm not to go to the school on Thursday the kids have half a day and since there's no school on Friday they get to have their earned time which means they get to do special things depending on how much money they have earned through the week. So they'll be playing. I think I'll go to a movie and then to a dinner there starting at church. My brother went to a psychiatrist today through my mom of course, I learned that he was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. LOL. I think it's funny, only because that's what I told my mom, I thought he had. So she started reading about it and leaving books around. But anyway, he was diagnosed with that and started on medication I am really proud of him. I just wish he felt like he could talk to me I wish he felt the need to call me. But oh well, the important thing is that he actually went for help, which is totally awesome. Considering how much it was discouraged in our family. The thing that gets me though is that the psycho dad that spread his psychoness to all of us thinks he's just fine. I am really nervous. I'm going to Orlando on Saturday for graduate workshop at canine companions. The parents had to take care of Brock Payton, and Alex. They were going to come with us, but the mom tells me now that she is going to stay home with the kids and the dad is to bring us to Orlando. Totally yuck I ask beth to think about going. I hope she does, but she would have to get ready really early. So I understand if she doesn't want to come, because she works all week. I told her I would be okay to just makes me think of all the time I was with him when the mom got sick and don't remember a lot of it. But I remember enough to know. I don't want to spend all that time with him, but I will do it because I also want to see my friends at canine companions Stacy was going to take me. But she had to go to New York to help her grandma her grandpa is really sick in hospice. Oh well, just make sure I bring extra Seroquel, because Lord knows I am going to need it. I wish I was kidding. It's late so I better go. Goodnight to us

a good Sunday i think :)

My day was okay. I went to church met with dawn about doing the habitat stuff hope we can remember every thing. The driver was almost a half-hour late picking me up. I was really tired. My arm really hurt today I came home and got some doughnuts. Then I slept for a couple of hours. I talked to Catherine she is pretty new at the e-mail list. I am excited. She is going to help me build a website for dissociation land it's going to have a chat room. That's private, and it's going to have lots of information about the DID the members are going to have a place to put their artwork and poetry. I am really excited and we are going to have links where people can get more information and we are also going to have a place where members can share their stories if they want to Catherine is really nice and she does websites for a living it's only in a cost like 30 dollars a year. She gets breaks because of her job. She told me not to worry about the 30 dollars, but to me it's important. I want to help in some way, and I could afford to 30 dollars. I'll be doing other stuff to work and have scheduled chats. We are not going to let just anybody be in the chats. They have to be a member of the e-mail list first for an unspecified length of time. So I can make sure they're safe or relatively so.

Other than that me and Barb NLN finally talked well online she sent me a picture that she was working on before we had our misunderstanding or whatever it was. So I contacted her through messenger to thank her. We talked etc. etc., and I asked her if she would like to try again. She said she would like that. She told me she doesn't like talking about her eating disorder that it was personal. And I reminded her that she was the one that brought it up in the first place. And I told her that it scared me that she was 88 pounds and she felt she was going to die. She said she understood, but she got triggered. She doesn't like being pushed. I told her I realize she felt that way, but I was just concerned. Anyway, we will see what happens. I did not ask her if she is still thinking about moving back to St. Louis if she does she does.

She asked to come back to the list so I sent her an invite. There were four people pending for membership so I wrote to them, because I didn't receive their answers to our three questions that we have an I wanted to see if they need me to re-send them. One person wrote me back and said how are dissociated people supposed to answer forms that she could not. I was like LOL okay I wrote back to her, and I said, did you read the guidelines with questions on the bottom? I said, if you can type you shouldn't have a problem. If you need my help let me know and I'm thinking to myself oh boy does this person joins. She is definitely going on moderation LOL, but at least I got my laugh for the night. So that was a good thing tomorrow's Monday. So I will be at the school again hope my arm feels better if it doesn't. I think I'll probably leave Olsen at home, but it's feeling pretty good right now. I know this is long, but now that I have this great software that dictates I can just talk and talk and talk LOL. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, smiles. Goodnight to me BJ's crowd

totally strange about my arm

Ok this is weird, my arm has been hurting and now the muscle is hard to the touch and sore. the thing is last year around this time, the same exact thing happened. the Onny reason i remember is that it was really bad on holloween night, i remember because i went with the neighbors trick or treating.that was on a Sunday. when i saw Dawn the following Tuesday it was red and warm to the touch. she was thinking it was celulitis well when i saw the doctor the following day, it was gone, still a tad sore but nothing like it was

and now? it happened again? totally weird :(

someone for Bjs crowd

I had an okay day today. I slept pretty good when I finally went to sleep. I went to the middle school today, the kids were really good Billy wasn't there and  that help somewhat. He's a great little boy, but he goes off easy. The kids have a spelling test Julian is so cute, but he so stubborn. He falls behind easily the teacher tells him to go onto the next word. I tell him to go on to the next word, but he doesn't any way. The kids had a lot of free time today so that meant that Olsen had a lot of play time. They have a tennis ball for him. I think it's really good for the kids to have him there I let them walk him around. Give him treats and tell him what to do they enjoy that especially Miya she can tell him what to do and he actually listens sometimes and he doesn't talk back, which is great for Miya

my ride was late so I was waiting outside a boy came out fuming cursing ready to explode. He was saying I hate that woman. So I asked him what happened. he said that woman is the Devils child's I said, who he said Ms. Porter I didn't tell him that was my sister LOL. He said that he got into it with the bus driver. Etc. etc., and she made it off the bus. So a relative had to come pick him up. I ended up having a long talk with him because my ride was taking forever. I told him he needs to get a punching bag to get his anger out. Of course he informed me that he didn't want to Punch a bag he wanted to punch the person LOL. I said well don't you think that would get you into even more trouble. He agreed. He asked if I got picked on a lot because I was in the chair. I said, yeah. Sometimes, I told him that he doesn't have to like what adults tell him but he needs to respect them I pointed out that if he had he would almost be home by now. And he agreed any way, I think I made some headway with him. I found out that his grandmother had just gotten custody of him from his mother. Because one of the teachers came up and asked how things were going. He said things are great as grandmother's, as usual. My heart was sad it seems like all the kids I've run into have such hard lives. But like I told my mom later God puts me where I need to be I guess I told Devon it doesn't matter what people say about him. He knows he's smart, and sometimes it's better to walk away because he knows the truth about himself. Anyway, I hope  it helped him feel better.  when I got home I called Christi and left a message that I heard she has a new name, compliments of Devon that she is now. The Devils child's LOL. I'm sure she'll get a kick out of it.

My neck is feeling a lot better. Still hurts. I don't know why but my arm hurt. Its really sore is actually hurting more than my neck now. I don't get it. I guess not getting too old smiles. Well considering I just found out it's after 2 a.m. I guess I better close this. I hate it when I think it should be 12, and it's 2 a.m.. Anyway, that's part of being me, I guess.

Goodnight to me myself and I

A short update

Another long day went to the therapist came home and brushed Olsen. I think I was only after about 20 minutes. It was so hot, but he really needed it because he went swimming in the pool on Sunday. The when he dried all that loose hair was their anyway, he looked really nice. I went to the mall to meet my friend, ann we went to the macaroni Grill. I am not going to say anything except major bad decision on my part. We went to Borders I saw my friend Julie. She works there, we are going to get together soon. she said she really misses me. I bought  Brianna a holloween book. I am so happy am not going anywhere tomorrow. All I have to say is bed bed and more bed LOL goodnight to those inside and out those near and abroad.

I don't know who I am, but I am here, who ever I am