Finally some news

 I am going to do this a different way sense I lost my whole huge entry from yesterday. I had a great time with Ruthie's I don't remember a lot of it, that is very fustrating. I do know that I ate a lot, I really have gained a lot of weight it's amazing to me how fast you can put on weight. I don't understand why I have been getting a lot of headaches. I know lots of people that are multiple get  headaches, but I have never been one to do that.

I had a terrible night last night. Very bad nightmares the whole night. I woke up exhausted. A friend from church passed away I went to the funeral on Wednesday. I'm going to miss him very much he had a real bad rheumatoid arthritis. He must've had it for a very long time. His fingers were very twisted. He never complained, I know he had to be in lots of pain. I have been thinking about that and wondering how he coped with it. I haven't said this about anybody before that I know, but Jack was a godly man. I think that's what he did to cope he stayed close to God and have tremendous faith. Also he did for others all the time. I have learned a lot from him. I am going to strive to be closer to God and lean on him more. I will miss you Jack, if you can save me a place up there near you I would like that.

On to more good news, I am going to New York from August 30 to September third. I am so excited I can't believe Sheila is doing this for me. We're going there for our 40th birthday's. When I talked to her sister Jacquie a couple months ago, she asked why I didn't come to my uncle and  aunt's 50th wedding anniversary. I told her I was invited. She was socked because the parents said that I was busy and not able to come. I have always told Jacquie and sheila  that they don't treat me good. She felt so bad and said why don't we plan for me to go to New York and not tell them until I land. I said I would love that but I had to wait till I pay off my computer and that will take about a year. She said that's okay just tell her when I was ready. When Sheila was here she was talking about spending a lot of money to have a party for our family when we turned 40. I assumed that Jacquie would tell her that I wasn't invited to the party for my aunt and uncle and that I really wanted to go to New York but she didn't. I told her that I wasn't invited when she asked why I didn't come to the party she too was shocked that they didn't invite me. Originally the parents just told me they were going not anybody else in the family. Then the grandmother told me oh yeah everybody is going I felt so hurt. Anyway I suggested to Sheila instead of spending all the money on a family party here why don't we go to New York instead she thought that was a great idea and she already bought my ticket in my hotel room in the city. I can't believe how much she spent 1300 dollars! They are going to rent an accessible van to, you can rent them right from Kennedy Airport I thought that was really neat. I haven't been on a plane in so long. This will be mine and Olsen's first trip together. I hope he does good on the plane time will tell

Larissa's coming pretty soon to dye my hair I can't wait because I want to get back in bed. Maybe I'll write more later

Totally absolutely pissed

I just wrote one of the biggest entries I ever wrote I wasn't even finished and something happened and it's gone I am so mad too tired to write it all out again hope I can remember at all tomorrow night all

I made it through

the sonogram wasn't bad, I started drinking the water later than I should have and sure enough I get there at one o'clock in there calling my name.  My bladder was in full enough, though she did use more water I waited, waited and waited some more.  The lady that was doing it was having trouble for some reason, she seemed like she was having trouble seeing things so she got someone else to do the test.  When it was over I went to the bathroom it turns out the toilet seat was totally loose so it took me awhile to get back in the chair but I was able to it was early but I walked outside and there was the Van she was supposed to pick someone else up first and then come back and take me but that lady was going to  Be ready for at least another half hour or so she took me.  That was really cool that never happens, I got there early and was talking to one of the drivers that I know really well he told me they had to fire 10 people because they found out they had a felony conviction 10 drivers.  It turns out that they weren't doing the background checks that they were supposed to because they wanted to save money.  Michael Kenny, but I couldn't stand and that was so rude to me was fired, when he got fired he wrote an anonymous letter that the background checks weren't being done.  One guy named Dolly has been working for them for years he got fired because he never told anybody that his client that he took to dialysis a couple of times a week had died eight months prior he was getting paid for taking someone that died eight months ago places.  They're probably going to prosecute him it's about time they're cracking down on things it wasn't just wheelchair transport either it was another service called care ride, also Medicaid is cracking down they won't let anybody transport Medicaid clients that have criminal records so good things are happening it's about time. That's all for now
someone

One day later, Monday

I have been so tired, I got up during the night last night to go to the bathroom and I dozed off twice before I got there.  I have been getting headaches every night for about a week I don't know what's going on but they've been really bad and I usually don't get headaches.  It was okay at the middle school today there was a fire drill that was a lot of fun nothing like going out in the hot sun waiting for a bunch of kids to be quiet of course  It took forever for that to happen.  I brought the Big tin of brownie bites to sue the teacher I work with for the kids but she's going to use them for Sandy's baby shower tomorrow instead so at least I got rid of those.  I ate the pasta Alfredo, when I looked at it I realized there really wasn't that much in their ate some of it and I'll eat the rest tomorrow.  After I go to therapist tomorrow I'm going home and then getting picked up for the baby shower its going to be a pain  going back there to school tomorrow but i could teacher I always hang out at lunch time with and I like her a lot.  I don't think I'll go to the school on Thursday because on so tired now as it is, then I have the sonogram on Wednesday so I think I'll stay home on Thursday and Friday and probably Saturday LOL I don't know what's up with the list but everybody's been so quiet oh well going to bed now

Is been a long time

It has been forever since I have written.  I really don't even know what to say or where to start.  It's hard when everything so discombobulated.  I was really sad today because Christie told me that they think Dejon is sociopathic, the psychologist, social worker and behavior specialist all agree I just feel so bad because I'm wondering is being that way totally dependent on ones environment? Or is it something you are born with?  They say the psycho dad is antisocial personality with psychotic tendencies, I guess I'm just wondering what makes a person that way and I could care less about the psycho dad but Dejon is a 14 year old child I would hate to think that there's no hope for him?  It's not his fault he has a drug addict for mother and crazy grandmother.

I went to that gynecologist, he's really nice he is going to do that procedure on me where they take the  Lining out of your uterus.  I am really nervous about it but I hope it will help first I have to go for sonogram on Wednesday.  It worries me having to drink all that water I hope they can do it with me being in my chair still.

We went to Costco today it was a nice store.  We bought some real food first time in a long time it won't let me change the color on the thing I am using DragonDictate I hate pink

We bought a big thing of pasta Alfredo with chicken, we were going to spread it out and make four or  Five meals out of it.  Then someone bought a thing of three pounds of brownie bites and  we were just going to put  Those in baggies and put them in the freezer.  We got protein bars were doing okay with that, the people want to throw all the other stuff in the garbage it's the first time any real foods been in the house except for one meal here and there I hope it doesn't get thrown out but there is one of me and many more of them time will tell I guess we are really nervous about Ruthie coming because of the food thing more than nervous but if Moronn doesn't come around in her system and jellies are just around they won't be eating a lot but if Moronn around Lord help us all because he has an incredible appetite

I wish it wasn't going to be Monday again it seems to me that it just was Monday but I guess that doesn't mean anything does it?  Man I hate this pink I tried to put it to black and I wouldn't change it to black either.
Saturday is the grandmothers 90th birthday joy to us all (not) that means a huge gathering of the family everybody knows how we love that yes? I think we will take the opportunity to indulge its more than time for somebody to get drunk around here and what better time?  Lord knows will be around enough of them at least some of us will fit in for once
goodnight it's time to go

Poem My Hole

My Hole

There is a hole inside of me
I think it's been there as long as I've been alive
inside hidden but so so near 
it can never disappear
The hole is dark and black
With no beginning and no end
It gets bigger and bigger as time goes on
It touches everywhere there is
It touches every one there is

I am afraid it's getting too big now
I feel like it's going to swallow me up
I will never find my way out
As we know I cannot shout
I cannot scream 
I cannot dream
I cannot hope
Maybe this is where I belong?
In the big black hole
Maybe this is my home after all?
In the big black hole
Maybe I will be better there?

That's where they all want me to go
The hole is catching up to me
I cannot run anymore
I cannot cry
I just want to say goodbye
So I will let it catch me
Then I will be where I belong
Me and my hole will be one forever

Barbara of Bj's crowd

February 6, 2007

 

 

 

 

 

filled up from the very small me

Its been forever since I've posted I wrote a long post a couple days ago and lost it all. Right now everything is seeming like it's running together lets see, the mom had surgery Wednesday. It went well. She had a total of seven hernias repaired. Now I am scared though because they think there is fluid in her lungs. They took a chest x-ray today, and she will get the results tomorrow. She's been doing really good a lot of walking and moving around. They started giving her breathing treatments again. Hopefully that'll help. It's just scary, because of what happened two years ago

Moving on to grandma she's back in the hospital. I think she's been in there since Friday. She had blood in her stool they are doing colonoscopy tomorrow. It was like family week at the hospital when I got there on Saturday. Dan was there with his family (joy). He was his usual warm self he managed to say hi we got out of their real quick and went to grandma. Then when Dan and family came down we went back up to see mom. I couldn't believe the mom said. Actually, she told Stacey that she was worried about the dog because this was a hospital . She was worried about hair flying. I guess since the dad didn't say it. She picked up where he didn't leave off? It never ceases to amaze me every time I think I have something figured out how they will react, what they will say or do I am wrong. The only thing I can ever predict with 100 percent certainty, is that I can't predict anything with 100 percent certainty

As far as Anita goes she got off the respirator today, they're going to try to take a chest tube out again tomorrow and supposedly she is going to get chemo and radiation on outpatient basis I honestly don't think it's going to help. She is so weak and they couldn't touch the tumor by her aorta. I just don't know if it's worth putting her through that, because it is going to make what ever life she does have left pretty miserable I would think. They found another tumor when they went in. So she had four total but everybody is still being secretive and quiet, which I honestly don't understand. But I guess there's nothing new with that

How am I? I have no clue am so tired. I was talking about this with my jelly friends. It's frustrating to me that I can't make myself go away, but if others want me away. There's nothing I can do. When I don't want to be here, I have no choice, unless someone chooses to come to my rescue or knows that I am at a point that I can't continue. I wish I had the choice. Like all the others do I feel like I'm only here when they want me to be here. I feel so small, like I am nothing. Just a tiny speck in a huge world that was not of my making. A world that they know more about than I do. A scary world. I am forced to be in this world, a world that I did not create, a world that I don't want

What do I want out of life? It doesn't matter what I may want. There is a small me, I am not enough to want anything. I am not enough to choose anything. I am just enough to be here to carry on the façade. The one that is a happy together, the caring one. But I am still a very small me. I am the smallest of all

Barb, who is even smaller now than when I started out

Monday night blues

Its Monday night, the mom is going in the hospital tomorrow they are going to run a whole bunch of tests to make sure she'll be able to get through the surgery okay.  I am glad the doctor is being so cautious.  She will have the surgery on Wednesday am not sure what time.  At least the grandmother seems better, and Sheila will be here on Sunday.  It will be good, but I don't know about her being here for 14 weeks.  I love Sheila, but she is very quirky to put it mildly.  And I know I'm quirky, but that's why I live alone in my own house.  So I don't have to subject anyone to my quirkiness.  I just know never to invite somebody else out with us if they happen to be over the house.  That's one thing I know I don't really know how I feel about anything.  Ever since Larissa laid in to me a couple days ago about my weight.  I really been feeling awful.  I was feeling awful anyway, with everything that's going on, but it made it worse I don't think they're telling everybody anything about Anita on purpose they have to know something by now.  It bothers me that she won't see anybody I know it's her right and all but I am so scared that I'm not can see her and all the sudden we are going to hear that she died it doesn't make sense to me that she doesn't have an IV I just think she told them she didn't want one what a waste.  I don't think she had the will to live or to fight what is she have to go home to?  My 83-year-old aunt who I love very much.  She is one of the few in my family that I can say I love without reservation but I know it's hard for Anita having her there and then there is daughter Gina.  Everything revolves around Gina really keeping her from running away getting drugs and not hanging out with thugs doing things to get money for more drugs.  Anita is hold captive her permanent babysitter, but this is again by choice.  They should've kicked her out if it wasn't for Jerry she be in jail right now will not right now.  But she would have been there already maybe that wouldn't change her life?  I don't think Anita felt she had any reason to go back home this is all speculation, of course I'm having those I wish I could stay in bed forever moments impossible I know but I could wish Goodnight to me and my selves

Feeling awful, the current state of affairs

I am so sad was talking to the mom just now. It sounds like from what they told Jerry, that Anita's cancer was all in the lymph nodes. I am not sure, but when Jerry asked. They explained to him that all her lymph nodes are "full" so I am taking that to mean that the cancer is all in her lymph nodes. I am so sad. She's in her early 50s I don't understand why she sat there for months and didn't do anything. I know she scared of doctors and hospitals

Between that my grandma and my mom going to surgery next week. On Tuesday, I am just feeling really overwhelmed those of you that pray please do. I'll probably write more later

Really upset

I am so upset I was looking so forward to going out today. The dad always bugs the crap out of me to make sure Stacy flips the switch down when she uses it to start the auxiliary battery if you don't put it down it will drain the battery down. Well this is the second time he's done it. So I couldn't go anywhere today, Stacy is getting the Sims games for me so I will have them at least.

Larissa made me mad this morning. She said something about my weight, I said I have lost weight which I have because I've been having a hard time eating and she was being real sarcastic, it was because she saw Candy wrappers on the floor. I have told her before I have a problem and not to talk about my weight, I told her that Candy was all I ate that day it was a handful of Hershey's kisses so she's proceeds to tell me how much fat that has (that's just what I needed) I told her again when I lost all the weight before I was starving myself, and making myself throw up. I asked her when is the last time she saw me bring food in the house? That food in my freezer has been there for at least two, then she proceeds to say how I drink cappuccino and one of those have at least 500 calories again just what I needed to hear I told her I have a problem that I'm doing the best I can, I told her she doesn't know what I go through I have flashbacks panic attacks that stems from when my father abused me. So what does she say? She says but I only see him helping you and doing things for you (of course) I said what about your first husband? How was he in front of people? He wasn't like that to you was he? Sometimes she's such a jerk. I think the whole thing started with her saying that my bra was tight and she remembers when she could put it on the tightest one.

It only seems to happen when I'm having the most problems I haven't been eating hardly anything I have lost weight in the last two weeks. And she tells me I'm gaining weight, well that just feeds into everything, I told her I have problems I told her it's in my head I said you know I used to cut myself I have problems she just doesn't know how much it hurts me sometimes and it's always about weight feels like I am still living with my mother.

I told her last week I got coffee and doughnuts and she said oh Barb, like as in how could you. I said don't worry about what I eat worry about what you eat. Well at least she was honest, because she said well I'm trying to deflect it away for myself I don't want to think about what I've been eating. I said oh that's how it goes

,

As I was writing this my mom called to say that my cousin Anita has cancer actually she's my cousin's wife one of her daughters Gina is a drug addict. She is to really she's been taking Xanax for at least 10 years. That's why she wouldn't get another doctor because she knew she wouldn't be able to get her pills. She's been sick since September but she wouldn't go to the doctor. My mom said she is lost 30 pounds in three months. She has three tumors in her lung, they said one of them is really close to her heart. I know it's too late there is not any hope I have a feeling. I don't think it really has sunk in yet

I feel so bad for her husband Jerry he has been wanting her to go to the doctor for months but she wouldn't

Stacy should be back with the game pretty soon will write more later

Have no idea where to start

it's been so long since I've written. I have no idea where I left off or where to start. After all that with Larissa coming Christmas Eve, she misunderstood and she thought I was staying home both days so she made other plans. The food was great. Shrimp and garlic and butter sauce, baked flounder I think that's all I had they had crab legs to, but I hate asking for people to help me. I did tell Dan how I was feeling, called him the ghost brother because as soon as I got there him and and Joe my other brother, started teasing me first about how I sounded my voice apparently there someone that has a very strong New York accent don't remember much but I know I'm switching a lot and using different words because they were teasing me about it. I told Dan that I would think since he only sees me about once every six months that he could try to be nice to me. It's amazing to me that as soon as Dan comes, Joe just joins right in and starts teasing me just like I was a little kid again. I am so incredibly tired of it. I saw my aunt and my cousin so that was nice got some money and two tickets to Universal Studios for when Sheila comes in a few weeks my mom is having surgery on the 10th, I wish so much that she didn't have to have it. The grandma got out of the hospital for the pneumonia but went back yesterday I think it was yesterday the doctor on call said her doctor was over medicating her. He took her off all the medicine, but he's putting on Coumadin now. I wish she would stay with this doctor he is very nice and since the other doctor almost literally caused her death not joking at one point her heart rate went down to 20 beats per minute, you would think she would try someone else but not her, after all he is Italian. what a joke! I feel so alone I found out Marilyn is coming down to have two baby showers for Jodi, but it's only for Jodi's friends so I guess Barbara T. is Jodi's friend? She also informed me that Maryland's only going to be here for two days. Guess that was her way of telling me that I won't be seeing Marilyn considering that I just talked to Marilyn yesterday, I would venture to say that that's a good bet. It really pisses me off though, because this is going to be the second time she's come down in the last five months. She called me when she was here last time to tell me she's not going to be able to see me I didn't even know she was down until I found out from somebody at church so I guess she figured she better call me to tell me she can't see me because she had to see this person or that person. The reason why it makes me mad is I'm the only one that can see her because I can't go to her house so I would think she could make the effort to see me. But I guess she can't I did make a comment to Barbara T. that I'm the only one that doesn't get to see her Oh well life sucks So now I'm bringing in the new year all by myself me myself and I how wonderful sarcasm intended guess I will close now that I'm in a bad mood good time to do it. Happy new year to me frowning

why is everything hard?

Hi everyone, I feel like I'm going to loose my mind.  I was talking to the mom I called over there because Rudolph the red nosed reindeer was on and I wanted to make sure the kids knew in case they wanted to watch it.  I told them that Larissa was coming with me Christmas eve. (For those who don't know Larissa is my aide she helps me get dressed in the morning and is there while I take a shower she has been my aide for seven years or more) the mother says but Christmas is for family.  I told her that Larissa had no where to go.  All her family lives in Europe, the parents know that.  I said what's the big deal I would've told her earlier but I kept forgetting to do so and she said it's not a big deal.  I reminded her that my friend Terry had come for Christmas Eve one year, she said that wasn't true I told her to look at the pictures of when my niece was first born, there is a picture of me holding her and he is next to me. and asked why does it matter?  She says it didn't, I asked why she had said anything then? she didn't answer

 

Now for the second part

 

First I have to give a little background.  On Saturday the parents met us at Beth's  house to put a grab bar in her bathroom. My cousin Sheila is coming down from the Dominican Republic to be there for when my mom has surgery in January.  When she comes down we are going Orlando for a few days while she's here. I was talking to Beth about coming with us but then I remembered last time when Sheila was here I invited a friend that happened to be over my house to come to dinner with us Sheila was furious I could tell by the look she gave me, it was terrible and she immediately went outside and when after her she said that she just wanted it to be the two of us that didn't even occur to me I am used to just asking who's ever around I feel like the more the merrier I had to actually go back in the house and tell the lady I was sorry but we would have to go out another time I was so embarrassed

 

I remember this and I told Beth about it and said  maybe it wouldn't be a good idea the mother was there and she was going oh yeah she is  like that and on and on and she was going along like she didn't understand why she was like that either

 

Back to current time

 

After she said that about Larissa I said you guys are just weird.  She said why are you saying us guys I'm the one that said it your father didn't say it?  I said it was a figure of speech mom.  She goes on to say yeah I can't believe you invited another lady to dinner when Sheila was there.  I said what?  I said you didn't have a problem with it when we were at Beths house. She said what you want me to say that around Beth? I said why are you bringing this up?  It was two weeks ago.  She said I don't know I just am not feeling good.  I said so what is it you want me to feel bad to? She said I got to go

 

I called Beth just to make sure I wasn't crazy and that the mom acted like she had no problems with me inviting that lady when shiela was there, that she couldn't understand why that was

 

I just don't get it its not like I wanted to invite Frankenstein over Larissa has been there for me when ever I needed her I never have to worry that someone isn't going to show up. The therapist always says I am not going to change them and I know that but I don't know how to keep it from hurting me.  The only way I can get through things is to try to make sense of them.  I also know that some things don't make sense and never will.  But then I'm back to the same question. How do I make it not hurt? Is that possible to do? Is it ever possible?  If so how does one do that?

 

If it wasn't for the fact that my grandma is very sick actually she's getting some better but it wasn't for her and the fact that my favorite aunts going to be their Christmas Eve I wouldn't even go. I will be alone on Christmas day for the first time. It's going to be strange

Barb

 

One person with many parts all hoping for freedom to be themselves in this crazy world of oneness

 

                                    

 

short update

This is Saturday, slept most of the day I had a good time at the light tour it was a lot of fun. The food was really good to especially the potatoes. My mind is kind of blank don't know if that makes sense don't really feel like going to church either but the Cantata is tomorrow so hopefully I'll enjoy that just a short update and the grandmother is sick I think they are going to take her to the emergency room bye

Too many feelings not enough room

Hi feeling so down, its December How did it get to be this time again? I wish the world could just stop so some how I can catch up. I am just sad, my struggle with food persists I was so hungry yesterday and ate almost a whole pizza :( than nothing today. its a battle but the thing is if I am honest I just want to eat less and less, I am not abnormally thin if fact i would be considered over weight. probably because the majority of time I don't eat anything nutritious  just eat junk.

 

also i know there are those among us that don't care for Dr Phil :) so bare with me's if your reading this.

 

They have had three shows now about this 2 year old girl, when she was 1. the mother wanted her father to be involved in her life. To make a long story short and easier to read, they very quickly thought she was being abused by the Dad. the mom got a call from the hosp that something happened. well she didn't want this man involved with her daughter of course.

 

the man said no way (surprise) they gave all three lie detector tests. The mom and her mom passed he failed every single question.

 

he went to his town, took another test and passed, but one part wasn't scored by the police department, with no exclamation why. when scored again showed deception. The Judge still gave the man unsupervised visits with the child, and if the mother didn't give him to her for that visitation, she would be in contempt, spend 15 days in jail and darning that time HE would have the child. I am just so sad for this child and it just brought a lot of stuff up.

 

One time, my T said if the Psycho dad ever admitted what he did to me he would probably blow his head off. In the show, the man said If he ever abused his child he would blow his head off.  they were hard shows to watch but i am so glad I did because it showed me, no matter how much evidence they had to the contrary this man never admitted anything. That was validating to me because it shows how ppl will go to any length to hide their sickness.

 

On the first show Dr Phil didn't believe the mother when she told him she was blown off by DPS. On the third show she came back with her lawyer to verified that yes they did basically. He had to choose his words very careful, but Dr Phil was very well educated that DPS doesn't always err on the side of caution or what is in the child's best interest for this I am glad. it just stirred up so much in me and i just needed to write thanks 

Sad Barbara by herself

 

One person with many parts all hoping for freedom to be themselves in this crazy world of oneness

 

                                    

 

My week and will the real multiples stand up

It is Sunday, I stayed home from church I slept for a lot of the day I needed a break so much that I can't decide if it helped me to have one or not for the majority of the week I had nightmares awful awful dreams most of the worse ones happened during the day I think. I am feeling pretty depressed and tired. You wouldn't think I would be tired sense all I've been doing a sleeping. I ate better than usual for the last two days but I feel like crap my head hurts and I just don't feel good. I canceled my ride to the school tomorrow, I thought I was going to be watching Dawson he is sick. Yolanda didn't call, but I canceled it anyway truth be told I really didn't want to go.

It seems like when I get the time that I really need to rest I get rest but that's not all I get. People inside assert themselves. What they will do, what they won't do, who they will talk to who, they won't talk to and what they will do to accomplish their goals a lot of which aren't good goals to have. In my opinion

And I'm so tired of non multiples weighing in on things that are for us. A sourcebook is for people that need it not for people that want to study. I am just not in a very good mood right now I am tired of Bob, I don't care what he thinks about books for multiples I don't care what he thinks about anything in the context of multiples or multiplicity just needed to say that. Going to go lay back down, right now I wish I could stay there forever

our Thanksgiving Day

Today Thanksgiving Day started ok except  lots more bad dreams Yolanda Dawson and Larissa came. That was nice, the food was really good Dawson and Joseph had a great time playing together. The psycho dad put then higher toilet in their bathroom for some reason I couldn't do it but that happens to me sometimes the first time I try. I called mom in there but I still couldn't do it I was on the edge of my seat I told her to get the psycho dad no one came I started yelling and yelling and yelling finally he comes in I was like where were you? he said I was out in the Van then my brother told me when I was still in there not to yell when he's talking on the phone to somebody I said you  idiot I was falling, didn't you have any idea that something might be wrong? I mean what did he think I was yelling for my health?

And then there's Olsen, I decided to brush him last night about 12:30 a.m. because I really hadn't in a couple of days probably in about a week to be honest. I brushed and brushed and brushed well what does he do? Even though the pool was covered to keep the heat in, he jumps right in LOL there went my brushing now he's just exhausted on the couch another Thanksgiving over another year is gone

I am not going to do anything tomorrow more relaxing I hope I don't have any more bad dreams last night was the worst yet so bad that I can't even write it but it's one of those that I never will forget just like lots of them lately

Who knows who knows who

why? but still proud

Why do people have to say hurtful things? I'm just minding my own business, having enough trouble as it is. Why can't people just leave me alone?

Sorry had to change the color Barb NLN sent me an e-mail to one address I didn't block of hers actually, she sent it to the owners address of the list thing not to use the picture she made for me. And on and on this means that someone on the list has been talking about me behind my back. I am not going to let it get to me, it's just that the truth means a lot to me and I would not lie about someone. I think the only person I have ever lied about is to myself about myself. And that's only because I need to sometimes because if I was truthful about everything. I think I would be too scared to keep going to keep trying. I know that's a weird logic, it makes sense to me, though. And I guess that's all that matters

All in all, I am proud of myself though if this situation had happened a year ago maybe. I probably wouldn't stand up for myself. All I did was care. I was honest with her, if someone told you they were down to 88 pounds and you knew they were taking diet pills. Not only that but they told you they were going to die if they stayed where they were and that they were going back to a place where they were horribly abused, that their parents, who were responsible for that abuse were out of prison, that this person had changed her name to get away from the people. But now were going back, wouldn't any logical person be afraid for their friends? Would I have been  a friend, if I didn't tell her I was afraid and scared for her? So I told her my fears

The next day I get a nasty letter from her saying that if I was truly her friends. I would support her, that everyone else has I really don't remember a lot of it. But she was very critical of me and told me that if I couldn't support her. Basically that she didn't want anything to do with me. I wrote her letter, told her that it wasn't that I didn't support her that I was scared for her and didn't want to loose her and that that's where my comments were born from. I told her I wasn't going to say I was wrong for caring about her and that if she wanted to get in touch with me she knows where I am of course before she wrote me the nasty letter. She left, the list. Once again

A few months later, I got the picture she made for me with me in a wheelchair. So I contacted her, and we talked. I asked her if she'd like to try again, she said she would like that. She rejoined the list and then the dreaded subject came up about people feeling they were born multiple, to make that story a little shorter. She put me down in front of the whole list, and with our friendship,Being in the fragile state it was, That was it for me. Not only did she keep a subject going that was real hurtful to someone that was new to our list but she put me down in the process

I know I made the right decision. I know I needed to end things after I got yet another mean message but I feel guilty. I feel guilty because of secret and little girl. Viney was thier first friend but not only that. We don't give our heart to just anybody and we don't give it easily. So there is a lot of hurt, but still we are proud that we stood up for what we believed was right we didn't say we were wrong just to keep the friendship because we knew it would just keep happening if we didn't agree with everything she said or thought that is  what we have to hold on to

We are going to go try and sleep we want to stay home so much tomorrow, but we won't, I hope church goes okay, because way too much has happened lately we need peace

we hope some will to us tomorrow

trying to get back in the habit of writing

Not sure what to say, just want to try to get in the habit again writing because I haven't in a long time I'm going to the trailer of the parents have on Wednesday. Really don't feel like going, but they fixed the bathroom, so hopefully I can use it. So I'm going to go check that out. I can't let Olsen get wet because it won't wash his advantage off but he can still run around. I hope I can sleep good. I took an hour now. Kind of late, but I couldn't help I couldn't stay awake just feeling weird is the best way I can describe it. I guess just feeling kind of numb not firmly planted, but it's different than usual. Maybe it's just cause my body is tired. I almost feel like I'm being blocked from everybody else right now. I don't know. Oh well like I said, I just wanted to get back in the habit of writing here. I know I said I had a lot to say and when I said that I probably did LOL. But I don't remember much in the last couple of days at all

Maybe I'll feel better if I get some sleep

and April if you read this get in touch with me am worried about you

I have so much to say

have so much i need to talk about but its late so much inside goodnight for now

many are talking Sunday

Yesterday I cleaned my table on my desk. I was looking for my checkbook, and once I started I couldn't stop so I was up till 2:00 a.m., which was really 1:00 a.m. because of the time change. I was really tired when I woke up, but I didn't have any nightmares. So I was glad they were 10 minutes early, picking me up today  from church I couldn't believe it as soon as I got home I got in bed and I stayed there. I think till about 6:30 p.m. haven't been eating good for the last couple of days, but it makes me so happy. Makes me feel good. Like I accomplished something, I know that's messed up thinking but we all know that I'm messed up anyway right? Gosh I can't believe it already Monday almost, but I don't have to leave till 1 p.m.. So it won't be too bad. I went to see Annie on Friday it was so awesome. It's the best musical I've ever seen, and we had great seats. I have never seen such talented kids before the whole crew was great, but the kids wow is all I can say.

My friend Mrs. Erwin is coming down in January. I am so excited. I am embarrassed though, I wrote to her and asked if maybe she could come to my house and we could walk to the mall, because I wanted her to see my home, that it wasn't too far yada, yada, yada. Well she wrote back saying that I probably didn't remember. But she had come here the first year I moved (which was three years ago). And we had walked to the mall. I know it shouldn't be a big thing, and it's not I guess, but it just lets me know how much I don't remember all the time and it lets her know to. I know that it's part of being me, but when it hits me right in the face like that. It's still hard, and it makes me think that I haven't come far at all. Even though logically I know I have in some ways.

Something interesting happened, the mom called me on the phone this morning. Or this afternoon, I mean, I told her I was sleeping. She said let me just tell you this one thing, and she had an excitement in her voice. I said okay, what? she said, I checked the book "when rabbit howls." Out from the library, have you ever read that book? I said yeah, that's an old book, and she said, it figures. And that was the end of the conversation. The plot thickens as far as the mom goes. She went to get her blood drawn on Friday before we went to the play. She had a panic attack. They were having trouble getting her blood drawn, and she started crying. And I forgot what else she said, but she asked me if I thought it was a panic attack. And I said yes, I really feel bad for her that she has to have more surgery in January to fix the many hernias that she has the doctor said she would be in the hospital at least a week. I hope this is the last surgery she will have to have. She did say. Now I know why you don't want to have to have surgery.

Well I guess that's all for now. I'm still tired even though I slept a lot. I am going to go back to bed and say a prayer that the kids are good tomorrow. And then I'm well rested.

Many of us are here, but few of us are heard