Back again

feeling better than we were, got some rest now hungry but won't eat, we ate 2 doughnuts and had some choc milk this morning, we are thinking about too many things shouldnt have let Barb talk to joe even tho she did good and told him that we are open to maybe moving up there in the future depending how things work out, but it would be a huge change and its a change that she didnt know if she could make, told him that she needed to take things slow

He told her he needed her? she told him that she did love him ect so there is a total war in here now, on top of that hearing about the boy that was so abused at freedom village has brought up so much shit this is not good, we are trying really hard not to self harm but the urge is really strong 

wish it wasn't there, but it is so many are mad about so many different things dont know what to do, just know if our fingers are typing this is good but hard to even type cause can't hold out to what ppl are saying, maybe we should take some meds 
 going to try and watch deseprate house wives 
bye 

From foggy eyes

I have been sitting here for a long time. So many thoughts going through my head so many opinions so many wants and needs but I am sitting here frozen I think I've been here for a couple of hours not really doing much of anything the TV isn't even on but I am sitting here I don't know why I feel so afraid so sad so hopeless so powerless I know someone wants to hurt the body maybe that's why I'm sitting here frozen afraid to move if I stay still maybe I will stay in control? But my legs hurt because they've been hanging down don't have my foot rests on I am really thirsty don't think I've drank anything today I think I'm going to go try and lay down I just needed to write this so I didn't spend all these hours for nothing I wish so much I could start over in another time and another place

sincerely foggy eyes

Thursday

Today is Thursday my second day at school. It went well I think it's going to be an easy year although I don't think I should say that considering that it was only the second day me and Stacy were supposed to go out for the second time she didn't call me to let me know she wasn't coming which is not cool this is the third time this week she changed the day

I am tired of stupid guy Beau finally called me I was trying to thank him for the ugly picture he made me and then when I told him I needed to go he hung up on me yes he definitely has issues no doubt I am not hanging that ugly thing on my wall

I am not feeling really good but I don't know what's wrong emotionally I am really tired but there is a lot of sadness I don't know why and I don't know where it's coming from I just feel very draining I have had a busy week that's probably it. I have to go somewhere to be at a booth for canine companions for four hours gosh I wish I didn't have to go oh well going to lay down now

 

hopes dreams and fear

Today is Wednesday, I had a good birthday. Boy did I get a surprise on Monday Joe's mother called me from his house to say happy birthday boy was I surprised LOL but I was even more surprised to find out that Joe was divorced these last six months or so I have been thinking about him and saying to myself maybe he'll get a divorce, and then yelling at myself that I was crazy well actually others yelling at me that I was crazy I totally can't believe this when he got married I think it was about five years ago I was happy for him but I was so sad at the same time because I realize that that moment how much I really loved him and wish that I could be with him forever

Now maybe I have the chance? I have known him since 1973 that's when we moved to Florida I love his mother in his step dad they have been so good to me throughout the years me and Joe went to concerts together he sent me flowers quite often on my birthdays he was always there even through my problems although I didn't tell him much and gosh I didnt know much, thats a whole nother issues a big one

he has an accessible house that he got through Habitat for Humanity. I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself but at the same time when the time is right I am going to tell him how I feel he is the only person I truly think that I could live with that I want to live with. He lives in Lakeland it would mean leaving a lot of things behind a lot of people behind and I don't know if I could do it but I do think it's possible that I could and the fact that I think it's possible is pretty awesome within itself

I've tried to call him a couple of times but for one reason or another we couldn't talk and I have been abnormally busy this week so I'm going to try again tomorrow when I get home from working with the kids Joe has severe cerebral palsy, I used to think I wanted somebody that would be able to take care of me in all aspects of life but now I know so much of what I thought was important when you get down to it means absolutely nothing

if this does happen I would have a family a real family of my own but that is too hard to think about for right now because it brings up a lot of feelings mainly negative Ones that there's no way that will ever happen so I will leave that for now and just see what tomorrow brings one day at a time

good night for now

my Friday and the other stuff

 

Beth took off work today and we met to go to the movies. We saw the Brave one with Jodie Foster it was really good lots of violence but not so much that it overpowered the goodness of the movie. I had salmon to eat and was really proud of myself but then I came home and I ate three doughnuts I don't understand why I do these things. Tomorrow one of the ladies that works for wheelchair transport invited me out to dinner for my birthday she always remembers my birthday because I think her fathers is the day after mine. But now the last thing I want to do is eat

I tried to set up up a my space I bought this program that was supposed to help you I kept having errors all the time so I went there and try to do with myself man I was confused yes I guess we are getting old

I am feeling quite jumbled right now so many things are going around in my head but only bits and pieces of different conversation I can't hold on to any enough to decipher anything I am really tired I haven't been sleeping well I haven't been taking too much extra Seroquel because the last time I did I would still love for a couple of hours afterwords and then exhausted for the next day. I am so tired of these nightmares

I did discover a neat thing today, this new mouse I got is rechargeable but the batteries don't last very long well it stopped working and I thought to myself I bet this thing will work plugged in why not? And it sure did yes I am getting old LOL I'm so tired that I don't want to go to bed for some reason I am stressed out about this festival at the church not that I need anything to make me stressed out but then I'm supposed to do the thing for canine companions on the 29th and then go to the workshop for Olsen on October 6 I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed but I think it's only because I'm tired.

As far as that guy wrote about in my last entry I am keeping him at more than an arms length he wants to do too many things to fast, there is a difference between being lonely and being needy, I'm sure he definitely is lonely but the neediness is stronger than anything else so for lots of reasons we are not going to well let's just put it this way we are going to stay on high alert where he is concerned

I am going to start of the school on Monday I hope everything goes okay I guess that's all for now I feel like there's so much on my mind but I can't get a hold of any of it very frustrating

I'm going to take some extra pills tonight and hopefully sleep but going to call dalton first of course LOL

goodnight to me and the universe

I am trying to get in the habit of writing again I relaxed a lot today there is a spot on the back of my leg that always ends up getting pinched especially when I is different bathrooms I know it's weird that I don't feel like going through everything as to why it happens that just take my word on it anyway needless to say I am very uncomfortable so I've been trying to lay down a lot today Larissa came and washed my hair thank goodness and I took Olsen out to brush him really well, he really needed it especially since this is the first time we rushed him really good since we've been back home boy the hair was flying! LOL

we have to go to a meeting Wednesday for this stupid committee we are on what a mess this has been

One of our neighbors who has lived here as long as we have asked us to come have dinner with him tomorrow we found out we have quite a bit in common with him, we don't want to hurt his feelings we accepted his invitation even though we really didn't want to, he seems to be going way too fast for our liking, he called today he wanted us to come to dinner tonight but we said we were laying down which we were we don't like doing things out of the blue like that, then he wanted us to come to church with him or temple I should say which we are not opposed to doing we think it may be interesting but he seems to go too fast, he is from California he was adopted and abused by his adopted family. He became a nurse was minding his own business walking down the street when he was attacked by members of a gang. This caused severe damage to his back, he is in constant pain all the time and takes morphine he walks as much as he's able with crutches and braces. he also self injures/injured when he looked at our arm and said he did too (goody) NOT

He was married for a short time his wife died of cancer and I guess what worrying us a lot in that he made a comment that are name, the first initials and middle are the same as his wife's. He said how he cleaned up his apartment because he wanted to invite us over

so we are going to go over his house tomorrow to have spaghetti, I wish Barb wasn't so nice because everybody's on alert now, I can tell you that we are not going to make this a habit that's for sure and damn Spaghetti? to eat that in front of another person? well it aint going to be me thats for damn sure
(as us chimes in)

anyway I guess we better go to bed

 someone

so confused

Been forever since I've written here I think it will help if I start again I went to New York I'm glad I did just don't understand why some things happened. Do I have a sign on my head that says abuse me? I just don't get it, why do people think it's okay to talk to me like I AM nothing? Yes I need help not a lot of help but I do need some I was trying so hard to put my bra on I could not do it

Things take me so much longer than the average person for the most part. So why do people complain about things that take them literally two seconds? I will never understand that, the therapist said we are entitled to be warm and comfortable. But how does she know that? Just because other people are entitled to that doesn't mean that we are.

What makes a person entitled to those things? Just because they're on the earth? Because there are a lot of people on the earth and lots of them aren't warm or comfortable and they never have been, they were told they were enemies of their families and told that the problems in the family were their fault but the therapist said what happened was not our fault with the cousins

If so many people feel the same way about us, it must be something we're doing or that we did? I wish so much we can go away because I just don't think we belong here. I think we never have I know they say that God doesn't make mistakes but I just feel sometimes that maybe he did with us?

It's hard not to think that if our body wasn't broken that maybe those people would love us, people say to your face that they love you but if that were true they would never hurt you in the first place

it so hard to feel like you don't belong to anyone or anywhere and it is so hard to know that you never will, cause a person can truly only have one mom and dad, the body is too old to be adopted :( this makes us want to cry and cry

I don't understand why God has made the choices that he has. I know they say God doesn't punish people especially when they're trying to be good but we can't help but think we did something wrong, something to be punished for because almost from the start we were hurt by people that are supposed to love us

We are just confused about everything, people always say God has a reason for everything but what could it be his reason for this?

We will go now and write more tomorrow

MANY BUT NO ONE

Finally writing this Wednesday

Finally writing again

Today is Wednesday that I'm sure of not sure of much else. Stayed in bed a lot today and most likely will go back there lots more. Yesterday they drained a liter and a half of a fluid from Anita's lung they are going to do the other one today.

So much has been happening of my brain is so scattered I can even remember most of it except the course of Ruthie situation I still can't get over it every time I think of her gross comes to mind I was nauseous for the longest time my stomach is still not doing the best but its better have been having a hard time taking my pills at night I've been doing it of course its just not easy my stomach does flip-flops

I think I am pretty depressed kind of hard to know for sure though because I think I always have some depression all the time if that's possible? Just not in a very good space I feel like self harming so much at a given and for that I am glad I felt more grounded yesterday now I am back to feeling the wet spongy feeling

Patrice called and invited me to Panera bread with a friend of hers I am going to go but I don't want to not even one bit I hate it that I don't want to I wish that I did

Guess that's enough for now hopefully next time I'll have something exciting to say

Voice Post

Its been awhile since I have written.  I was going to go to church today, but I was too tired.  So I called up and canceled.  I can't believe they couldn't do the surgery, but hopefully the DNC will help.  I will be going to see him in about two or three weeks.  The doctor, I mean, he said he might be able  Tell something from the samples about me hormonally. I am thinking if that's in fact the case.  Maybe he'll be able to control it for me with some kind of medication or something.

I couldn't hardly sleep today I got home.  I was up till 2 a.m. and I finally got up to take more Seroquel.  I slept most of the day yesterday and today so far to.  And I feel like I'm done I go back to lay down in a few minutes.  I just wanted to give an update.  I have my software working again, so I'll probably be using the journal more.

Maybe write more later

This stupid day! If you want to see the movie Georgia rule dont read this

I thought this was going  to be a really good day me and Beth went to lunch and then a movie.  I was hoping we could see the movie fractured, because I love Anthony Hopkins.  It started to late so we sought Georgia rule instead.  We thought it was going to be a comedy.  There were few funny parts, but it was most certainly a drama.  It centered around an 18-year-old girl, played by Lindsay Lohan.  She was into drugs and doing all the wrong things.  So her mom sent her to live with her grandmother for the summer hoping that it would turn things around for her.  The grandmother got her a job with a veterinarian of this small town.  This man happened to date her mother, way back when.  Anyway, the girl ends up telling him that her stepfather molested her.  He in turn tells the grandmother, who tells her daughter.  The mom goes down to the town and asked her daughter, if it was true.  In a very blunt way, the daughter says it is.  Anyway I could go on and on.  Of course, the man denies it.  The daughter goes to see the stepfather, who was now in town to tells him that she had recorded things.  But as long as he keeps her mother happy.  She wouldn't say anything.  She tells her mother that she really lied, and it didn't happen.  So the mother starts driving home with the stepfather and then realizes true after all.

Just what I needed after a few weeks ago.  I started crying so much and trying to hold it in at the same time.  Just what I needed

Now tomorrow mothers day again just what I need.  I want a vacation from my head hating me totally

we sad

filled with sadness what to do when there is no way out, to talk dont help to not dont help no better either way, makes us again realize we dont want to be here we dont like this place why are we staying? no hope just pain and sadness sustain, tired so tired if we sleep or if we don't just have weight so heavy we not want to carry no more please just show us the door let us be truly free away from here and everywhere free to fly to soar where its safe thats where we belong not here, this place is foriegh not for us we dont belong here, he was wrong, we be bad ppl we know thats true let us go please we not want to hurt no more please help us to the sky above the clouds or we willed help us by our self no one never help us anyway

more adventures with the Psyco dad and my teeth

I finally got my computer back, which means I have my DragonDictate thank the Lord. Yesterday I went to the parents house, because it was my favorite and 84th birthday. I was so tired because I barely slept for the last two days. It was good to see my aunt, she bought me five scratch off tickets. I didn't win anything. When my mom took her home. I went into the bathroom. I couldn't believe it. The dad started yelling at my nephew telling him to pick up his trucks. He has been playing with them on and off all day. He had been homesick the dad started asking him to pick up his trucks. He said, but I was still playing with them, can't I play with them? The dad says you haven't been playing with them all day. Now you want to play with them? The dad had been outside all day working on the Van. So obviously he couldn't know what Joseph was doing it pissed me off because its like he waited till I went in the bathroom. And he started getting louder and louder telling Joseph to pick up the truck. He is five years old, and here is the 65-year-old man yelling at the top of his lungs of course Joe started crying hysterically. He said bring the trucks in there and now you stay in there. Instead of leaving him alone at that point he kept yelling at him. At this point, I yelled from the bathroom that he had punished him let it go. He went on and on that he needs to understand what he did. I said he's five where of course the dad said that doesn't matter. Of course it doesn't matter why would it? Stupid idiot! And he just waited till I went in the bathroom. He wouldn't do it if I wasn't in there. It was like oh now I got him to myself, what can I do. He was so peaceful, before I went in the bathroom. We were watching TV Brianna and Joe were playing and being silly. He comes in from outside and has to shake the World up

I told the mom when she got home, what happened. She said he started since the first thing that morning

I wish he would just go away

When I went to the dentist on Tuesday, they said I needed a crown, which is in a cost 700 dollars. I called the mom and told her, she said that maybe Dan would do it. I told her I really didn't want that, she said she knows and that we would talk about it later. I know that's not to happen, unless I bring it up again. Beth says she really doesn't think it's a good idea for me to do that and that she was loan the money. She knows I couldn't pay her off until on done with the computer. I don't like owing her money, but she said Barb I've known you for 20 years, don't worry about it. So I don't know I'm thinking about it. I don't want to be in debt to Dan but it's more than that. He's never done anything to my mouth before, and I don't think I want him to. I don't know going to keep thinking

That's it for now from this craziness that is me
Barb

why did I do it?????

I am a fucking idiot! never called that cousin again to much to go into I should know not to call no one that sees the parents like all loving creatures that can do no wrong "they love you" there is that fucking word, thrown out so carelessly that word means shit to me feel like my brain has been put through a fucking meat grinder. Love????????? Love is fake, used to decieve to control to manipulate to hurt. to hide, and disguise, Love?? is said to make ppl stop saying their truth, to make them shut up, to trick, to use and abuse. Love?  they love you, but they hurt you, they love you, but they torcher you, they love you but they yell and scream, they love you but treat you like you are nothing, they love you, but will not help you when you most need, they love you but set you apart and leave you alone all by yourself, they love you but wont let you be with others, they love you but are jelous of your accomplishments, or if you have friends, they love you but they kill you bit by bit, they love you so much that all you want to do is die

I hope it goes ok tomorrow

well finally I feel better going to he middle school tomorrow, hope I sleep good and have energy, kinda worried cause been staying in bed so much, but this was my best day yet only coughed a few times, boy whatever this was kicked my ass. I called about my computer at bestbuy because on the paper work it said that the estimated arrival date was April 21st! (glad I looked at the paperwork today) so I called them and they said they have an inquirey to them cause it was shipped out but not recieved damn so going to call back wed

meds kicking in, night

Finally some news

 I am going to do this a different way sense I lost my whole huge entry from yesterday. I had a great time with Ruthie's I don't remember a lot of it, that is very fustrating. I do know that I ate a lot, I really have gained a lot of weight it's amazing to me how fast you can put on weight. I don't understand why I have been getting a lot of headaches. I know lots of people that are multiple get  headaches, but I have never been one to do that.

I had a terrible night last night. Very bad nightmares the whole night. I woke up exhausted. A friend from church passed away I went to the funeral on Wednesday. I'm going to miss him very much he had a real bad rheumatoid arthritis. He must've had it for a very long time. His fingers were very twisted. He never complained, I know he had to be in lots of pain. I have been thinking about that and wondering how he coped with it. I haven't said this about anybody before that I know, but Jack was a godly man. I think that's what he did to cope he stayed close to God and have tremendous faith. Also he did for others all the time. I have learned a lot from him. I am going to strive to be closer to God and lean on him more. I will miss you Jack, if you can save me a place up there near you I would like that.

On to more good news, I am going to New York from August 30 to September third. I am so excited I can't believe Sheila is doing this for me. We're going there for our 40th birthday's. When I talked to her sister Jacquie a couple months ago, she asked why I didn't come to my uncle and  aunt's 50th wedding anniversary. I told her I was invited. She was socked because the parents said that I was busy and not able to come. I have always told Jacquie and sheila  that they don't treat me good. She felt so bad and said why don't we plan for me to go to New York and not tell them until I land. I said I would love that but I had to wait till I pay off my computer and that will take about a year. She said that's okay just tell her when I was ready. When Sheila was here she was talking about spending a lot of money to have a party for our family when we turned 40. I assumed that Jacquie would tell her that I wasn't invited to the party for my aunt and uncle and that I really wanted to go to New York but she didn't. I told her that I wasn't invited when she asked why I didn't come to the party she too was shocked that they didn't invite me. Originally the parents just told me they were going not anybody else in the family. Then the grandmother told me oh yeah everybody is going I felt so hurt. Anyway I suggested to Sheila instead of spending all the money on a family party here why don't we go to New York instead she thought that was a great idea and she already bought my ticket in my hotel room in the city. I can't believe how much she spent 1300 dollars! They are going to rent an accessible van to, you can rent them right from Kennedy Airport I thought that was really neat. I haven't been on a plane in so long. This will be mine and Olsen's first trip together. I hope he does good on the plane time will tell

Larissa's coming pretty soon to dye my hair I can't wait because I want to get back in bed. Maybe I'll write more later

Totally absolutely pissed

I just wrote one of the biggest entries I ever wrote I wasn't even finished and something happened and it's gone I am so mad too tired to write it all out again hope I can remember at all tomorrow night all

I made it through

the sonogram wasn't bad, I started drinking the water later than I should have and sure enough I get there at one o'clock in there calling my name.  My bladder was in full enough, though she did use more water I waited, waited and waited some more.  The lady that was doing it was having trouble for some reason, she seemed like she was having trouble seeing things so she got someone else to do the test.  When it was over I went to the bathroom it turns out the toilet seat was totally loose so it took me awhile to get back in the chair but I was able to it was early but I walked outside and there was the Van she was supposed to pick someone else up first and then come back and take me but that lady was going to  Be ready for at least another half hour or so she took me.  That was really cool that never happens, I got there early and was talking to one of the drivers that I know really well he told me they had to fire 10 people because they found out they had a felony conviction 10 drivers.  It turns out that they weren't doing the background checks that they were supposed to because they wanted to save money.  Michael Kenny, but I couldn't stand and that was so rude to me was fired, when he got fired he wrote an anonymous letter that the background checks weren't being done.  One guy named Dolly has been working for them for years he got fired because he never told anybody that his client that he took to dialysis a couple of times a week had died eight months prior he was getting paid for taking someone that died eight months ago places.  They're probably going to prosecute him it's about time they're cracking down on things it wasn't just wheelchair transport either it was another service called care ride, also Medicaid is cracking down they won't let anybody transport Medicaid clients that have criminal records so good things are happening it's about time. That's all for now
someone

One day later, Monday

I have been so tired, I got up during the night last night to go to the bathroom and I dozed off twice before I got there.  I have been getting headaches every night for about a week I don't know what's going on but they've been really bad and I usually don't get headaches.  It was okay at the middle school today there was a fire drill that was a lot of fun nothing like going out in the hot sun waiting for a bunch of kids to be quiet of course  It took forever for that to happen.  I brought the Big tin of brownie bites to sue the teacher I work with for the kids but she's going to use them for Sandy's baby shower tomorrow instead so at least I got rid of those.  I ate the pasta Alfredo, when I looked at it I realized there really wasn't that much in their ate some of it and I'll eat the rest tomorrow.  After I go to therapist tomorrow I'm going home and then getting picked up for the baby shower its going to be a pain  going back there to school tomorrow but i could teacher I always hang out at lunch time with and I like her a lot.  I don't think I'll go to the school on Thursday because on so tired now as it is, then I have the sonogram on Wednesday so I think I'll stay home on Thursday and Friday and probably Saturday LOL I don't know what's up with the list but everybody's been so quiet oh well going to bed now

Is been a long time

It has been forever since I have written.  I really don't even know what to say or where to start.  It's hard when everything so discombobulated.  I was really sad today because Christie told me that they think Dejon is sociopathic, the psychologist, social worker and behavior specialist all agree I just feel so bad because I'm wondering is being that way totally dependent on ones environment? Or is it something you are born with?  They say the psycho dad is antisocial personality with psychotic tendencies, I guess I'm just wondering what makes a person that way and I could care less about the psycho dad but Dejon is a 14 year old child I would hate to think that there's no hope for him?  It's not his fault he has a drug addict for mother and crazy grandmother.

I went to that gynecologist, he's really nice he is going to do that procedure on me where they take the  Lining out of your uterus.  I am really nervous about it but I hope it will help first I have to go for sonogram on Wednesday.  It worries me having to drink all that water I hope they can do it with me being in my chair still.

We went to Costco today it was a nice store.  We bought some real food first time in a long time it won't let me change the color on the thing I am using DragonDictate I hate pink

We bought a big thing of pasta Alfredo with chicken, we were going to spread it out and make four or  Five meals out of it.  Then someone bought a thing of three pounds of brownie bites and  we were just going to put  Those in baggies and put them in the freezer.  We got protein bars were doing okay with that, the people want to throw all the other stuff in the garbage it's the first time any real foods been in the house except for one meal here and there I hope it doesn't get thrown out but there is one of me and many more of them time will tell I guess we are really nervous about Ruthie coming because of the food thing more than nervous but if Moronn doesn't come around in her system and jellies are just around they won't be eating a lot but if Moronn around Lord help us all because he has an incredible appetite

I wish it wasn't going to be Monday again it seems to me that it just was Monday but I guess that doesn't mean anything does it?  Man I hate this pink I tried to put it to black and I wouldn't change it to black either.
Saturday is the grandmothers 90th birthday joy to us all (not) that means a huge gathering of the family everybody knows how we love that yes? I think we will take the opportunity to indulge its more than time for somebody to get drunk around here and what better time?  Lord knows will be around enough of them at least some of us will fit in for once
goodnight it's time to go