me again

frustrated with me's what else is new? I am hungry wish i wasnt such an idiot, i have switching i hate the mood changes its like i dont know how to feel, i have no idea how singletons can possibly feel all the things at onece? sometimes we feel such strong emotions someone can feel such sadness and someone else can be totally happy, how can you feel things all at once i really dont understand how ppl are able to do that, just as singletons can't understand how things are for us, but its so frustrating, how can ppl here even decide if they want to be more together when it feels so forien to us? its like asking singletons to be multiple that wouldnt be a possibility and its not like we would ever say oh yeah you should definately be multy its awesome. I mean it sucks but being single can suck too so how do you handle it? there are some in side that can't stand others, want to be their own person, but that can never be. so how do you make this existance be ok? How can We be happy this way? thats why some of us just want to stop. stop being because we feel we can never be totally free in this life, i dont think there ever can be true peace within so what is the benifit of being here this way? this way stinks and its the only way we know and feels like its too hard to be different we just dont know how. i am so tired of this war within, and frankly really the world at large sucks I feel there is no solution, no way to make it better no way to be happy not like this.  it feels impossible to live this way and it possible to live any other way i am feeling so hopeless about us our world inside and the world outside really doesnt give me much to want to stay around for. just rambling going to keep this private not for "friends" eyes dont want anyone to freak, but i mean these are valid questions and points aren't they? I need something to hold on for, a reason to try, something to strive for that i truly think is possible, because right now? i dont feel like things will get better within there is too much fighting and chaos and feelings and everyone is different. good night for now my warriors, wish i didnt see you's all in the morning that would make me truly happy

feeling awful

gosh I was sitting watching tv and this horrible sadness came to me and I have no idea why. I feel like crying but i dont know why. I feel so tired and cloudy. dont know whats wrong, I just am feeling so much like i want to stop and give up. I dont know why I just know I do. feeling so alone. so lost without purpose. dreaded next week being at the bible school, i want to i always enjoy it but the thought of going some where everyday seems impossible at this moment going to go lay down

first yesterday, then today

OK I had a huge post yesterday and it went poof at the last minute so I will start with yesterday 

I was getting ready to go to dawn on Tuesday when my grandmother called. I  very rarely call her because she always complains actually that's all she does. she is 89 and still drives a car, she can walk better than my mother and she takes no medication. anyway I called her back last night against my better judgment. she said oh you finally called me back. I pretended I didn't hear her and said what? She said oh nothing. then she proceeds to launch into something that happened between her and my father over a year ago. I told her I didn't want to here it that I called to talk to her. he kept on talking about it I told her again that I didn't want here it. so as expected she started to use her manipulative tears, said that I was upsetting her and good night. she will probably be mad at me for the rest of her life I know it will sound mean but I really don't care I am so tired of her not being grateful for what she has. 

On a happier note Seacret brought her picture to dawn, She really liked it.  Seacret stayed out  the whole hour. she seems really sad which is unusual for her. we did a lot of cleaning and organizing last night that always makes me feel really good.

now for Thursday 

I went to see one of my doctors no big deal there. One of the online groups that I am  on for eating disorders someone wrote that they decided to kill themselves they've made this decision I got so angry and I wrote that it was a very selfish thing to do that I hope she gets help and realizes what it would do to others if she did such a selfish act . someone else wrote and told me to back off, said I needed to be more loving and understanding LOL I hate when people say they're gonna kill themselves online it is so manipulative and mean. they know everybody is at vurerable place.

I am really tired it's been a long day and a very hard day signing out for now
    

My tuesday

ok lets see, i went to the T with no coffee in the system not a good move LOL i am still tired even tho i slept when we got home, but i am jumping ahead. So went there Seacret gave the T the picture she made for her and was there the whole time, thats ok, we think she was sad and maybe that helped but i dont know she still seems pretty sad, which is unusual for her. any way so we asked the driver Brian if he would drop us off at the mall in stead of taking us home so it worked out good he had someone to pick up real close to us so he picked us up at 3 and brought us home its only 5 min from the mall. so we bought a shower head cause the one we had sucked, and we bought the kids some cheap coloring books that they love already. we also bought this speech recognition program from dragon its the best software  for this kinda stuff and they had a cheap one so we bought it, cause we been using the voice in stead of typing lots so this will be better than what came with the puter but still no expensive. we did ask brian about when he is going to pay us the money he owes us, he bought our desktop puter and still owes us 340 and he's had the puter for at least two months and hasnt said much about paying us and we got a big credit card bill so we want and need that money, any way he said he will give it to us "shortly" OK...

we are going to take Olsen for his bath tomorrow, we had made an appt for thurday, but then remembered we had a doctors appt and friday we have a meeting so any way they said we could come tomorrow. Actually i am pretty proud of us cause we been doing really good saving money, we were able to pay our dentist 100 dollars towards what we owe him.

we are really tired. the parents came back tonight from NY and our van is finally fixed so they are going to bring it here tomorrow and just drive to where we are at the mall to bring the Keys. On friday we are going to meet a lady named Voilet who if we like her will be our next companion so wish us luck there.  really not feeling to great, head hurts, dont think we drank enough water today, but oh well going to get ready for bed
someone here

another friday

Another Friday I cleaned the house a little bit threw away some papers always feel better when I do that I got the bill for my shorts that I got a few weeks ago. Oh top too, pretty cool getting an outfit for $1.00 LOL that will probably never happen again in less I go to the thrift store that would even be hard to pull off in a  thrift store would imagine. I am not feeling really good today, my head hurts my stomach hurts I'd just feel blah. Larissa came, so I got my hair washed she did the floor and change my bed. and the man came to put a battery in my smoke alarm thank the lord. no more chirping. I've been saying I was gonna lay down all day but I haven't. I am glad nobody's coming here tomorrow it scares me how happy that makes me. it bothers me that I don't wanna do anything. I am so glad to have a dog that likes me no matter what. HE loves me even if I never say a word. I even think he knows how I feel even if I don't say anything. I love this creature but I feel I don't even Deserve him someties. I feel so lost and  I don't even know what from. how come I can be doing so well and then fall so far that I never think I'm gonna get up again? it happened so fast but then it didn't. it's like I always have to outrun the darkness within. does everybody have to do that all the time?  does everybody have this much pain inside them? Will there ever be the day when I can stop running and enjoy who I am? will there be a day that I can stand still? Will there be day when I won't have to outrun my tears? will the day come that I will feel like I did nothing wrong? will the day come that I won't  have to outrun my rage or even worse deny it's  there at all? Maybe I'm asking too much? I am so tired of running yet too scared to stand still. what is the solution to that? is there one? Thanks for listening 
from many

this day sucked basically

I am so tired of this fricking drama. the aide was suppose to come do the laundry well she kept doing other things she finally came brought the stuff we needed from the store but she didnt feel like doing the laundry, which we could care less about except for the fact that we didnt want to be bothered tomorrow, the stupid guy finally called about the damn alarm and he is going to come early in the morning which is fine it would only take him a min to put a new battery in that thing but now the aide has to come back and no one is in the mood to deal with anyone especially her. any way sorry for being pissy

The Angry One, from the front place

feeling so bad physically and mentally

gosh i dont know whats going  on i know some of the little ones are really sad and someone is crying i think. I know i lost lots of time at dawn's and just havent felt good since.  really i feel like i want to cry but i dont know why. I made an appt friday to take olsen for a bath but i am going to canc it my inside is taking up to much energy and i dont have any to spare, I HATE when this happens cause it makes me feel so "not normal" I am really tired and sleepy, have a bad headache and stomach is all queezy. I dont understand why i can eat junk food and be ok but it seems when i try to eat regular food i feel so sick and end up throwing up, i mean its not that i make myself, it happens even if i dont want to and even if i don't eat lots of food, but i can eat a pint of ice cream or bag of chips and be fine i just dont get that. I just feel like a fat cow i know that though 

also my stupid smoke alarm keeps beeping like every 30 seconds cause the battery is low, i called mant. this morning at 9 am and left a message and no one called or came yet. the damn beep is driving me crazy. i just dont even feel like talking or interacting with anyone, its taking all i have just trying not to get lost in my head. sometimes i feel if i surrender to them i wont be able to find my way out, it seems that happens sometimes where i just almost can't function, but this is different cause i feel if i let that happen i dont know, its like there is a sense of dread and fear thats the different part i think.

Maybe i am crazy after all? god i dont want to see larissa tomorrow, she is coming to do laundry and i asked her to bring me some stuff from the store
give me strenght, give me peace give me calm please

who the hell knows who we are?

My stupid self

I am really frustrated with me. i didnt do anything except sleep and watch my neighbors son who is sick, i am just frustrated about my eating, but i guess not enough to change anything.  i am hungry but will i eat no i am an idiot do i care? sometimes i just dont understand myself with this. but what i do understand about it scares the crap out of me. i had a scoop of ice cream today that was it. I am tired, I am in a battle, the logical part that says you stupid jerk, you should value yourself enough to treat your body good. the illogical me that says i will just am to fat right now, when i loose enough weight i will do right, like i know how. I dont wanna go any where yes i wanna save money but if i am honest thats not all of it, i just dont want to interact with ppl right now I have no desire to, is that wrong? i mean to just wanna  be alone for a while? maybe a LONG while? i mean i am gonna start going to the middle school in the fall, right now i dont want to but i am hoping that will change, it usually does,  I mean i like my solitude, i dont have it really, cause everyone chatting and driving me mad specially today cause someone didnt get to do something they wanted. 

I dont know feel like i am not making one bit of sense, gonna go to bed

good day for the most part

Hi well church was good so glad my fill in aide came she was really nice and didnt mind going to get us coffee thank goodness LOL the sermon today was on "personality" and the different kinds we have. gosh where the heck would me's fit there? I found this neat article about a woman that is multy and i sent it to some ppl that know me's that i trust some that didnt know I am we. I will never go into any deep talk about it, but i feel pretty ok about the ppl that I am and i am not ashamed of being multy and i think I just wanted ppl to know I am normal. yes I have issues, but so does everyone,  So many ppl think that if you multiple they would know, that somehow you would show your "craziness" and that is so far from the truth. yes sometimes i have lost it and myselves, but ppl wouldnt know "oh she is switching" or she is seeing awful things from her childhood now. I guess I just needed ppl to know that its not like the movies, my life is probably more boring and ordinary from most ppl, but yes I had a terrible life, but look how good i am doing, i am no different then you. 

i just know if i am going to be able to deal with whats left within, i need not be ashamed of any part of me, and this was part of me not being ashamed,  a little "coming out" of sorts, saying yeah i an multiple so what, i just needed for my sake more than anyones to speak my truth, if ppl judge me because they know this fact, great cause i would rather know, cause i dont need that negativity 

thanks for listening to the rambles of me the beautiful, intellegent multiple LOL gag

boring rainy tired day

I am really tired today. i dont feel like going any where and trying to save money and if i go out i spend so not going, but even tho i dont feel like going anywhere, it seems when i stay in the house the depression takes hold. I have asked larissa, not to talk about my weight. well i bought a pair of shorts week before last, size med and they fit but where tight and i mean she started yelling at me that i should have got a large and i have gained so much wieght, that she use to be able to hook my bra on the tightest hook not its on the last, but she also doesnt realize that i got rid of those and bought a smaller size.I know she doesnt know about my eating problems but i have told her on two occiasons not to say anything about my weight, i mean i have some shorts that are small and they fit fine it depends on the material, but she was yelling at me then the says dont be mad damn it just makes everything so much harder for me. 

then the mom tells us yesterday, that my soon to be x sister in law calls my brother tells him she is going out of town and he  better take the cat to the vet cause he is dying on the floor so when he gets there and takes the cat he died five min after he got there i am so livid, how can she be that cruel and she has my neices and nephew? you know that cat couldnt have gotten that sick over night, the parents went to NY this morning and they left the checks for my dentist bother at my house i know Joe is going over to his house tomorrow with the kids so i left two messages asking him to call me cause i have dan's stuff and things i bought the kids so was hoping he could stop by since he was going there any way. Of course he didnt bother to call me back, and i know what will happen is dan will call at the last min and just expect me to be available, it pisses me off cause no one thinks my life is important, and even if i am sitting at home is not even the point if i dont wanna be bothered. before they left for ny the dad said just call them once in a while to let them know i am ok, that they arent going to worry about dan or joe, i said i am the last one they should worry about, i have been on my own the longest, and i am doing better then them, of couse he wouldnt agree, he said everyone has their issues. He will always view me as less than and a "problem" just cause i sit down all the time and cant stand up and i just dont get that, why does that have to be his measuring sick of sucess? I hate him

any way writing doesnt really seem like its helping so i am going to stop, if anyone reads this thanks for listen
me myself and I

fuck ya'll

ok warning now i am not in a good mood so if your faint of heart please dont read, i usually dont post on here but i am feeling so angry, I am so tired of this f  ed up life, i never get time out to do anything i consider fun. I can help it that this old women in here are all prissy and shit. this is ridicous what kind of life is this we are stuck in? so they wanna keep me away fuck them, they wont be able to forever and when i get my chance? you all will be sorry your messing with me. I have ppl on my side to you know, and you want to fuck me up? ok fine for now but watch you backs and every other fucking part of you all to, Tired of this christian fucking shit i will get my time or i will take it, and if i take it? watch out thats all i can say. You all dont control me or my sista's just know that and watch out

S

Feeling so down

I am feeling so down and tired. I went to my therapist on Tuesday thinking I had lost about a week of time but when I got home I realized that I had lost a bunch of time I have no idea how much I called her up and started crying. I haven't been eating much at all lately and it scares me because I don't want to.  my hair is getting really thin and dry. I am so scared to try and figure this all out . I don't understand why I have been treating myself so badly. The fear of food is so overpowering, I have been in this battle so long now that I don't even know how to begin to get myself out. I wish I wanted to get myself out,  that would be a start.I don't even remember when food was even an issue in my life. I don't remember how it used to be except that I was huge and I don't want it to get that way again. I remember how hard it was to move how hard it was to get in and out of my chair how hard it was just to get on the toilet, how scared I was that the day would the come  when I just can do it anymore.  

I am terrified to change this, and at the same time I have no idea how to. I am so scared to let anybody close enough to try to help me even myself. I feel like my world is going to collapse and part of the wants that so much. going for now 
Thanks for listening

My lazy sunday

well my sunday was pretty good. woke up at 8 and fed Olsen and took him out then when back to bed till 11:30. Felt really good waking up not tired which is kind of unusual. Went to get me coffee and dough nuts. then watched some tv and read some mail. I know LOL totally boring. 

Man one place says they might total the van i hope not. Glad the parents are taking it well although i know this will be used for many years to come to try to induce guilt in usr. maybe i should record the mom saying its not my fault for future use? really not a bad idea huh? oh well. 

so mad at my brother he is being a total idoit going out with woman now. i told the mom how mad i was and being the Mature woman that she is, she says well Amy is doing the same thing of course i told her i could care less what amy is doing or not doing. My parents are totally enabling him to drink and party. I keep telling the mom that she needs to ask him at least for some money for food. She proceeds to tell me well he really doesnt eat much there and i said well his kids do. I mean he has the grandma doing his laudry and straightening his room. He is not saving any money. i just want to shake him. what about his kids?? He is 37 with 2 children. I have always been worried about his dranking from way back in 88 when i lived with him for a year. No one listened then. I just hope something bad doesnt have to happen for him to change. I can't believe how sick little joe was, when Joe got him on thursday, he had scarelet fever, strep thoat and an ear infection, the doc asked Joe how he got sick so fast, and he told the doc he just picked him up,  later amy told him he was sick since monday. why the heck didnt she take him to the doctor?

then she tells Joe that the animals have no food and water so he better go give them some cause she is going away for the weekend. So Mom goes there and sure enough the cat and dog had not one drop of water or food in their dishes. Plain Cruel
the way they are both acting neither of them deserve those kids, i wish so much i could take care of them.

Please god knock some sense into them

day started bad and ended awesome

Well woke up today feeling awful, just not much energy. canc my trip to church, just didnt feel like being around ppl and in my dont wanna eat mode so easier to be at home. Mad at myself that i am staying home though at the same time.l

well i finally called the number i found for my 8th grade teacher and it was her. so happy, it helped me to know that god does answer prayers, not just anyone elses prayers but MY prayers awesome. So my day ended on a high note, the too much chocolate i ate probably helped. But oh well, My friends Barb's Viney called so lil gurl and seacret were really happy cause they dont get to talk to anyone on the phone usually and its great that they have a friend. We love her very much too
well that about sums up our day. thank you god for answering our prayers and leading us to ellen, you are a wonderful awesome god, we never could call you father like lots of ppl cause that word got too convoluted for us but we know you know that LOL thanks

Ps Mrs. Levine remembered Kelly cause she said is that the girl who know the color of m'n m's by tasting them? I said yup that’s Kelly LOL

first time we have talked in 14 years. just goes to show you how special she was  and is, love you my little friend with a huge heart. hope you save me a spot up there near you

Tired and clutered

hi I am so tired and so down. saw Brianna and Joe for a little bit today. Brianna's eyes are sad. I gave her the second Judy Moody book i bought for her. I put my number inside and told her to call me any time. I feel sad for them, and my brother i feel scared for him. He is thinking of himself, and his needs. He went out with a woman because of his need. I am so angry. I wish i could take care of them. They dont deserve them, those beautiful childen, they will become the next casualities in our so called family. Hating life at the moment and me even more

Voice Post

Voice Post

Another day in my messed up selves

here i am again, what a day. the stupid companion person canc. again, i called JoAnn and told her. she is gonna meet us tomorrow, i am gonna talk to Arque and let her know that its not fair to us when she canc like that cause not only were we counting on her being here but also if she doesnt show up, we are stuck in the house. Its really triggering when she doesnt show up, thats what the ppl we lived with use to do, it makes us feel like we are worth nothing.

don't know why we are so tired. slept lots but still tired. I hate when Dawn messes with our heads, it makes some extremely uncomfortable that she can do that. 

At the same time i guess thats the only way she will find out stuff sometimes. It's so hard when there is a constant battle for control, maybe thats why we are so tired. its hard to talk about eating, i get so happy when we dont eat much, and that scares me, but not. its so hard to fight being self destructive, because there is part of us that wants it so bad, to not be. 

I am really tired so going to go.

gosh its been way too long

I don't even know where to start i haven't written in so long. Its been hard cause my aide and friend larissa has been in a domestic voilence situation. she has been staying with us quite a bit on and off. though we dont mind and we are glad to help, its hard cause its like we just kinda shut down, not really from others, but from ourselves if that makes sense?

some of us are feeling really down cause our friend carole is going to be gone for six months at her summer place in North Coralina. It was hard when we saw her last at a resturant because Pam also came which was great 

BUT

We were talking about our evil neighbor, Long story, but any way, she hurt us tremendously basically said we lied about our father abuses us. She said it just to hurt us, i dont even know who told her about it when we first moved here more than two years ago, but they told because she said she had been abused by her family and was adopted. This was before we knew how truly evil she is. She has no life, and she gets in others. She told someone that i could walk and i didnt need my chair. enough of her  continuing sorry

well we didnt realize Pam didnt know that we were abused, and she started launching in that we needed to tell our brother what happened to us because my neice and nephew being at risk from the parents.

I told her that he wouldnt believe us, we are already the outcasts there any way, the bother use to talk to us for a while about things that happen to him and us, but now its the standard "nothing happened" "I don't remember that" didnt tell her all that, just that he wouldnt believe us

If we told him, not only would he "not believe" but in this family there is no such things as privacy. The family should know all your thoughts all your deeds. There is NOTHING that should just be ours. So it will go through the immediate "family" and i use that term just for clarity, but it would get out slowly to everyone. Then more ppl would think we are crazy

I told her if i ever thought something was happing, even an inkling i would tell who ever till someone heard me, hopefully that day will never come, but the only one that will take me to the rest of "the family" is psyco dad, i wouldnt be able to see my neices and nephews who i love so much, and really i feel that we are the only sane ones so we want to be there if we can.

even when we were with with the birth givers the other day, our 8 year old nephew who was sitting in the back near me said "pa always has to start trouble" I said yeah i know.

EXCUSE ME, did i mention he was 8?

pretty sad that he knows that, and thats how he things of his grandpa huh?

Today they came and the psyco dad made us a desk which we really really like and appreciate. He drove us mad though. The net wasn't working and i told them the phone line and dsl line needed to be plugged in at a different place that they fixed it like that when they came out cause we were having so much trouble. He kept telling me It didnt matter where it was plugged. I told him at least five times that it did matter before he changed it.

I got the net working, but have no scanner and the speakers aren't working but they couldnt figure it out. everything was working when this day started, but i can do with out those things as long as i have my net

Its just so fustrating, cause he has to do things his way, and we have to fight to be heard

I mean how do we reconcile the good he does, with that fact that he hurt us so much? 

I dont know whats worse now i get emotionally abuse and we get scared all over, once someone crosses that line that no one should how do we stop being in fear of them? worrying that he could loose it any time?

I dont know but I think he is such a coward. He is not strong to deal with his pain, so he puts other ppl in pain, I hate the person he is was, and forever will be

But i love the desk?

tired but wanted to write something

I haven't written in here in like a week so wanted to write something any way, feeling like crap today, haven't been sleeping well. Had a fairly decent day with Miya, finished my book "a child called it" wow what that that kid went through it was so hard to hear, but good too, because if he can go through all that torture and survive, not only that, but do good with his life and have kids and stuff, it gives me hope that people (Bjs crowd) can face what ever we need to and maybe help are situation get better, and i venture to say Maybe?? get along who knows. Met this companion person we are going to have named R.K. she seems really nice. She use to be a cop in another state, long story, but her mom was raped at 16 and had her and she ended up years later arresting her own father, talk about JUSTICE wow, someone told in here told her she should write a book, i mean thats like one in a million chance. she didnt tell him who she was, i wouldnt been like i am your Daughter, yes you raped my mom, i see you havent changed you ways, and now your going to Jail for a very long time, but she didnt say anything, talk about fuck with your mind ya know? i mean wow that must have messed her up for a while? maybe not? We are meeting grace tomorrow, hope Barb will deal with that please Barb? any way, we will write more tomorrow
someone here i think