Another day in my messed up selves

here i am again, what a day. the stupid companion person canc. again, i called JoAnn and told her. she is gonna meet us tomorrow, i am gonna talk to Arque and let her know that its not fair to us when she canc like that cause not only were we counting on her being here but also if she doesnt show up, we are stuck in the house. Its really triggering when she doesnt show up, thats what the ppl we lived with use to do, it makes us feel like we are worth nothing.

don't know why we are so tired. slept lots but still tired. I hate when Dawn messes with our heads, it makes some extremely uncomfortable that she can do that. 

At the same time i guess thats the only way she will find out stuff sometimes. It's so hard when there is a constant battle for control, maybe thats why we are so tired. its hard to talk about eating, i get so happy when we dont eat much, and that scares me, but not. its so hard to fight being self destructive, because there is part of us that wants it so bad, to not be. 

I am really tired so going to go.

gosh its been way too long

I don't even know where to start i haven't written in so long. Its been hard cause my aide and friend larissa has been in a domestic voilence situation. she has been staying with us quite a bit on and off. though we dont mind and we are glad to help, its hard cause its like we just kinda shut down, not really from others, but from ourselves if that makes sense?

some of us are feeling really down cause our friend carole is going to be gone for six months at her summer place in North Coralina. It was hard when we saw her last at a resturant because Pam also came which was great 

BUT

We were talking about our evil neighbor, Long story, but any way, she hurt us tremendously basically said we lied about our father abuses us. She said it just to hurt us, i dont even know who told her about it when we first moved here more than two years ago, but they told because she said she had been abused by her family and was adopted. This was before we knew how truly evil she is. She has no life, and she gets in others. She told someone that i could walk and i didnt need my chair. enough of her  continuing sorry

well we didnt realize Pam didnt know that we were abused, and she started launching in that we needed to tell our brother what happened to us because my neice and nephew being at risk from the parents.

I told her that he wouldnt believe us, we are already the outcasts there any way, the bother use to talk to us for a while about things that happen to him and us, but now its the standard "nothing happened" "I don't remember that" didnt tell her all that, just that he wouldnt believe us

If we told him, not only would he "not believe" but in this family there is no such things as privacy. The family should know all your thoughts all your deeds. There is NOTHING that should just be ours. So it will go through the immediate "family" and i use that term just for clarity, but it would get out slowly to everyone. Then more ppl would think we are crazy

I told her if i ever thought something was happing, even an inkling i would tell who ever till someone heard me, hopefully that day will never come, but the only one that will take me to the rest of "the family" is psyco dad, i wouldnt be able to see my neices and nephews who i love so much, and really i feel that we are the only sane ones so we want to be there if we can.

even when we were with with the birth givers the other day, our 8 year old nephew who was sitting in the back near me said "pa always has to start trouble" I said yeah i know.

EXCUSE ME, did i mention he was 8?

pretty sad that he knows that, and thats how he things of his grandpa huh?

Today they came and the psyco dad made us a desk which we really really like and appreciate. He drove us mad though. The net wasn't working and i told them the phone line and dsl line needed to be plugged in at a different place that they fixed it like that when they came out cause we were having so much trouble. He kept telling me It didnt matter where it was plugged. I told him at least five times that it did matter before he changed it.

I got the net working, but have no scanner and the speakers aren't working but they couldnt figure it out. everything was working when this day started, but i can do with out those things as long as i have my net

Its just so fustrating, cause he has to do things his way, and we have to fight to be heard

I mean how do we reconcile the good he does, with that fact that he hurt us so much? 

I dont know whats worse now i get emotionally abuse and we get scared all over, once someone crosses that line that no one should how do we stop being in fear of them? worrying that he could loose it any time?

I dont know but I think he is such a coward. He is not strong to deal with his pain, so he puts other ppl in pain, I hate the person he is was, and forever will be

But i love the desk?

tired but wanted to write something

I haven't written in here in like a week so wanted to write something any way, feeling like crap today, haven't been sleeping well. Had a fairly decent day with Miya, finished my book "a child called it" wow what that that kid went through it was so hard to hear, but good too, because if he can go through all that torture and survive, not only that, but do good with his life and have kids and stuff, it gives me hope that people (Bjs crowd) can face what ever we need to and maybe help are situation get better, and i venture to say Maybe?? get along who knows. Met this companion person we are going to have named R.K. she seems really nice. She use to be a cop in another state, long story, but her mom was raped at 16 and had her and she ended up years later arresting her own father, talk about JUSTICE wow, someone told in here told her she should write a book, i mean thats like one in a million chance. she didnt tell him who she was, i wouldnt been like i am your Daughter, yes you raped my mom, i see you havent changed you ways, and now your going to Jail for a very long time, but she didnt say anything, talk about fuck with your mind ya know? i mean wow that must have messed her up for a while? maybe not? We are meeting grace tomorrow, hope Barb will deal with that please Barb? any way, we will write more tomorrow
someone here i think

feeling ick

had a good day, Miya was good for the most part and they were actually there to pick me up on time. major shock. really tired going to stay in and veg tomorrow. my stomach doesnt feel good, and saw a kitty that was hit going on the way to eat. hurt my heart so much. going to sleep now

sosdd

glad this day is over, although no one cares i guess. My head is killing me. dont get it, wish i could start over dont like who i am and apparently no one else does. I am not going to break my neck trying to keep friendships going, as they say friendships are a two way street and my street is under repairs for the foreseable future
people should have listened to me, it would have saved your hearts lots of pain.

I dont have enough energy as it is, so i am done on my end

The bitchy one

I have a sad heart tonight

what a day, its started wonderful but it sure didnt end that way. we had a wonderful music program at church. It was so beautiful i enjoyed it so much. when I came outside to wait for the van, i got a call that my friends service dog died very unexpectly. gosh my heart is so sad for her. I know how devastated i would be if it was my Olsen. then i was sitting at church till after two. the bastards. so tired. came home took something to help me calm down took a nap for a while. At around 7 I took Olsen out and brushed him reallly good. He is shedding so much its unbelievable.
so now i am going to go lay down watch TV. I pray for you Grace that God will hold you tight in his hands, send you wings to hold you up until you can fly again with a new furry friend. 

so thankful for my olsen, so blessed for my friends and family of choice.

what a messed up day to the max well almost

damn what a f ed up day. We went to meet Anne I know we told her at bells outlet outside at the end because the greek place was across the little street. I would think the word street would denote outside? we sat there for almost an hour, we went inside looked at the bells inside. we didnt see her, we called and checked messages at home, no messages from her, so we went to the restraunt and had a salad. Then we went to kmart, we never go to that store only cause we hardly go to Seminole Mall. So we went in the kmart, we bought clothes. Shorts and tops. we werent going to wear shorts cause our legs dont have muscles so they look so weenie looking, but i was like what the hell? who cares what ppl think we deserve to be comfortable specially since that heat crap happens to us all the f ing time.

I picked some cute stuff, actually I am going to be sure we go to that kmart more often, it was pretty cool.

so then we get home, there was two messages from Anne she was waiting inside Bealls in stead of the outlet danm I apologized and she did too it was truly a misunderstanding, but again i am thinking ok i did say you cross a little street. BUT I didnt know there was also a Greek place in the mall by bealls LOL damn what else could go wrong?  didnt know she would have a cell phone so i didnt ask, i am sorta impressed that she has one, most ppl her age don't try what they consider to be new technology LOL even tho they been around for like twenty years LOL still probably considered new to old ppl.

oh well i feel bad about it

came home take a nap i am really tired still so going to go in bed
Goodnight to me, myselves and I
The Good Gurl

pitfalls and standards why the discrepency?

man so full from those stupid chips i dont know why i did that now i don't feel well and i gotta go eat with my friend anne tomorrow. least she is letting me take her to the greek place in stead of that place at Kmart. danm couldnt handle that i dont think. really don't wanna go out tomorrow. Its so nice that anne wants to buy me a dress for easter, but for some reason, I absolute dont feel like wearing a dress its weird, i don't get it really never felt so strongly about what i wear before. Really feels strange to object to something like that. I been tired all day, even though i napped in the afternoon. 

I really was happy when i went to work with Miya yesterday. Christi had told me that i have made a big difference in her behavior. Really  I didnt believe it, i thought Christi was just saying that. yesterday though one of the teachers came up behind me and whispered in my ear that I have done so good with Miya and she is like a different child when i am there. she said she is even polite LOL That really helped me feel good, I have been really working hard with her to have good manners and say please and thank you. she acted up really bad in lunch and when she came out of the locker room from changing. She said I am really sorry for the way i acted in lunch. I thanked her for apologizing that i really appreciate it. 

Its hard for me to think i would have such a positive effect on someone. wow

wish i could have such an effect on myself. How can I be so good to others and not to myself? why dont i feel I deserve goodness? why can i tell Miya she is beautiful just how she is, but not believe that about myself? why do I have a whole different standard for me? why do I expect so much from me, when i would never expect that much from others? wish i knew.

So many questions, but no answers why do i hate me so much? whats so bad about me? 

To be continued
someone here

why do i always screw up?

my eating has been really bad, i been craving sun chips so much but every where i have gone doesnt have them. so what do I do? i go get a big bag of potato chips and ate most of the bag great.. I dont know why dawn keeps messing with my head, i dont know what she is trying to do but i dont like what ever it is, only have six more weeks to work with Miya before school is out, i am going to miss her durn the summer. think i am going to get some coffee

Lost

So sad dont know how to make it better. wish it would end. Lost and dont know where i am tired even too tired to write no use putting down thoughts, it doesnt matter, i dont matter. hope to feel better

feeling terrible

feeling so depressed not sure why, so tired dont understand why my leg is all swollen. I hurt it a few weeks ago, when i pinned it dont understand why it took all this time to swell up? I stayed in bed for most of the day with it up. It looks a tad better but not much, its still a little sore. ate a banana and candy bar today i know thats not a lot but its better than nothing. really struggling today with food stuff, it was bound to happen cause i ate things that i usually don't. sometimes i get so scared though cause part of me doesnt care and doesnt want to eat, just wants to get small, i feel like a fat cow today. How i wish i didnt have to deal with anything and could stay in my house forever. I am tired. Sick of my drama that I cause to my own self, this is all my fault. everything is. The past is the past, it is my fault that i let it effect me like this. There is nothing i can do about the past, I let it haunt me, i give it the power it has over me; I have no one to blame for my current circumstance but me. How is it that i am so weak as to let myself give in to all that crap? I am a mess and its all my fault. all the ppl that hurt me in the past are just fine, it doesnt bother them in the slightest, they live their life. no nightmares, body stuf and flashbacks. I need to be stronger. I am not the past but i let it control me. Talking about things doesnt change them. why can't i just let it go? see i am not strong, i am weak. your thoughts control how you feel so therefore its my thoughts that have me in this hell. I should just stop everything. stop trying and hoping. I am not strong enough, i deserve to feel like crap cause thats what i do to myself they are my thoughts; everyone says put the past in the past dont dwell on it, so why dont I cause i am weak thats why enough enough of it all there is no hope for me. I can't make it stop, i can't change nothing. its my fault all of it every single thing because I am not little anymore have no one to blame but me for this pain;

mixed emotions all jumbled up

gosh wish my head would be quiet. I am tired. I am hungry too, but have nothing to eat, not that i would eat if i did. Still freaking about what i ate today and yesterday. I thought since i ate good, i would have energy, but i dont. I wish i could be more like Olsen, peaceful without a care in the world. who know knows maybe dogs worry? i doubt it, cause if they did they wouldnt be so happy thats for sure. feeling lonely, but also feeling over loaded for some reason. My head has that wet sponge feeling, I hate that so much. Its been really nice not going out cept for yesterday. To tell ya the truth i wish i could stay in next week too. don't feel like dealing with Miya or any thing else for that matter. its gonna be hard seeing Rocky monday. Audrey and ron better let me have a few minutes alone with him before they leave. val says if they dont want to insist. I don't even deserve Olsen, he is so good. seeing Pat the other day brought so much shit back about orlando and how she was. controlling bitch.  I still can't believe how she treated me. She hasn't changed. i was so shocked to hear her voice. she said she fund film developed from orlando. she was gonna be at clearwater mall so she brought the pictures, she still can't keep a job LOL she always has conflicts with though in authority LOL surprise. wish i could just go some where, or just not have to deal with anyone for a while. even my own inside. especially my own inside. Not gonna go to dan's or moms house no way. gonna make myself go to church Sunday i will probably feel better once i am there i hope.  I will put on my fake face and deal.  i better go to bed i guess, feeling like i wanna stay there so much.

feeling tired

I have to stop thinking. I went out with parents and Uncle and aunt from NY. they took me to a steak place, it was the first good meal i ate in quite a while. I was glad cause i took half of it home because i know if i ate it all, it wouldnt stay down. I am freaking out that I ate it though i ate the other half this morning. I know this is good, but i can't stop thinking about how much i have eaten and detirmined not to eat tomorrow because of that, which i know is so stupid. They wanted me to come again this weekend, i am not going, just going to go to church on Sunday.
I am feeling sad, i know i am gonna see rocky on monday, i am so glad, but sad too because i know in my heart its the last time i will see him. think i am going to lay down now

About My Day

Well today was ok, got up when the dad brought the stuff a little after nine. gosh i just realized i don't remember a big chunk of the day. I hate that. I did call Audrey and Ron to see how Rocky is. they said he has been having some pain and trouble getting around. The had his teeth cleaned a few weeks ago, and a few pulled. To be honest i am surprised they do it to a dog thats 14, but he did ok. The said he has some cystals in his urine, but not a lot. I am really not even sure what that means. I think i will try to find out more on the net, because what audrey said about it doesn't make sense to me. They are going to bring him to see me on April 3rd, I know this will be my last visit with him and that is so sad to me. I am a little angry that Audrey and Ron only have brought him to see me twice so far the whole time they have had him. I saw them more before i gave rocky to them. I know the most important part is that they take such wonderful care of him. I am really grateful. I really don't understand why i am this deeply sad about knowing he is going to go to heaven soon. I have such a deep love for my Olsen, in lots of ways so much deeper than i have for Rocky. I don't understand the deep sadness I am feeling now? 

Larissa came and washed my hair, i stayed in today and plan on that tomorrow as well, i have been getting bad headaches. I am almost done with my P I don't get why i been getting so many headaches. The mom went to the doctor today, she has a hernia and needs more surgery. I can't believe it. The doctor said she could wait till  after her class reunion in July as long as she doesnt feel pain from it. I really feel bad that she has to go through more surgery. I know this is mean but i wish it was the dad in stead, He skates by, just being his angry, childish self. I really hate him sometimes. When say I hate him, there is still guilt.  I know its not good to hate ppl thats such a strong word to use, depending who's here within its appropreate though. It causes lots of talk inside though. Moving on from that subject.

The dad's Brother Bernie and his wife are here. we aren't close to them though, but we will do the caring bit when we see them. It will makes us seem like we care, which will be acceptible to everyone there. They are taking use to Sam selezers gee thats just wonderful. We have to see them at least one time. That will keep the clan, not my clan but their clan quiet. 

well guess we should try and whined down so we hopefully will sleep
goodnight to me's

thank goodness the day is almost done

gee what a long day, so glad its almost done. I can't believe i could have slept in, and i woke up at 8. yesterday i could have slept to and woke up at 7:30 I am glad at least i took Olsen for a pretty long walk, he was happy and the weather was really nice too. watched some things i been wanting to see that i had on the dvr. Talked to Lee on the phone it was cool to put a voice with the words. man i really watch lots of tv today and listened to more of my book. The dad is coming to bring me some stuff i need when he drops of the mom at the doctor. Least i will save some money if he brings the stuff. 

I usually love desprate house wives, but today it was icky. first they hired this woman at the ad firm that breast fed her 5 year old totally gross even though it was was pretend on tv still gross. 

then to top it of, the young boy thats taking his mom to court to get emansapated threaten the mom that if she takes this to court he will claim that he was abused at the memories were repressed. yeah just what i needed to hear. I am so angry that a show like that would even say such a thing i mean they should think of the ppl that are in that situation, I think it sucks that they would use that in their story line. I know i can't expect anyone to care about such things not in this world. I guess i could wish though huh?

it was really good I stayed home today Larissa was sick this morning so she wouldnt have been able to come most likely. It was nice to stay home for a change. Hope I can sleep tonight going to go good night to me's

Still here

how do i make things better? i am at a loss. Olsen is gonna get bored cause haven't done much with him today. don't feel like doing anything wish i did. maybe i will go lay down, not sure when Larissa's is coming, i know i will feel better when i get my hair washed, that always helps. I been thinking about Rocky a lot. i better call Audrey and Ron cause its clear they aren't going to call me. I miss rock lots. I should be glad for the quiet in my head but i am not. The don't have any Sun chips at the convience store, i am addictive to them, i love them wish i had some. miss everyone, wish i had my own family. Lonely always specially when its quiet like now. wish even the phone would ring, something. Its odd how ppl grown up can act so childish, I always try to be honest, I Don't want to hurt anyone but i dont play game's. In my family nothing is ever said directly, its always through someone else that i learn how they feel about me. I don't want it to be that way, but no one ever calls me back, never do they return calls, so mom is my information source for everything and i hate it. I wish they would tell me why they don't think enough of me even to call.  I just feel like a wet rag thats been rung out. wish ppl with just tell me what up, wish i knew why they think so little of me, but i guess i souldnt care. Let them have their childish ways, doesnt mean i have to be the same way
i feel like crying but i can't. I hate it when you have to be perfect for ppl to be happy with you, or what I perceive as perfect, dont rock the boat, don"t say what you believe or what you really feel, and of course never get frustrated with ppl cause then your not perfect right?  no one hears me, not matter how much I scream inside, no matter how much i wish they would, and at the same time scared that they will. well i am not perfect never will be sometimes you gotta say whats on your mind and heart.
If your not careful ppl with just block you out of their life, cause your just not good enough or perfect enough. I will never be what they want some how i have to be good enough for me though I am far from there, so far i get scared lots of times.

Here i am again

Here i am again, had a good sleep feeling icky though gonna stay home tomorrow, its just easier. probably gonna stay home all week, i am running low on money so have to careful. I will get some reading done, almost done with "rescuing Jeffery" Its about a 17 year old that dove in a neighbors pool and got the same injury Chis Reeve had. It makes me be thankful for what i have, things could be so much worse I always have to keep that in mind. with my brain i can go anywhere and do anything. I hope i use it wisely. Had 2 doghtnuts this morning, thats gonna be it for the day. I hate having my period, i wish i could just have a doc take everything out. Its so hard for me to deal with. Everone is quiet inside pretty much so thats nice for a change. just sitting here listening to Christian radio on MSN.  give me strength to keep going lord, i need you, even tho i feel i dont deserve your help or understanding, hold me up let me feel your presence in me's grab my hand and pull me through. Help me find friends that will be there, and want to spend time with me. Help me do things that i know i need to do to be healthy. Don't let me hide to long

Its Friday

gosh here i am again, what to do? so gald the head has stopped hurting. feeling so lonely. hate it when ppl that are adults act so childish. I dont feel connected to anyone or anything. I am so hurt that Joe didnt even call me to say that he wasnt bringing Brianna over. I was so excited about it and looking foward to it. I am done trying to connect with anyone in "the family" need to spend my energy on ppl that are healthy and won't bring me down. I wish they could just talk to me, or call once in a while to see how I am. I know Joe is going through a hard time. I have been calling his cell at least once a week to say i love him and I am thinking about him. He never calls back, I am just done. I am not going to even think of them as my family anymore, just ppl i was put with to grow up until i could be on my own. I don't belong there, i don't belong anywhere. I am hating life right now

feeling crappy

feeling so tired and frustrated with me. I am not going to go any where until church Sundy. Olsen is not gonna like it oh well have to think of me sometimes. feeling sadness again. My T is going out of town so not going to see her. Thats still really hard for me, because she is the only person that knows the whole me. Really in a way she knows me better than i know myself. I dissociate so much especially in my sessions that she knows more of whats going on than I do. I am detired not to eat today, i just can't. Coughing and feeling yuck, again i wanna disapear My head hurts. I am sad, alone cept for my Olsen. really I feel i dont even deserve him.

wish the truth would set me free, or something would. 
Enough for now


was going to lay down but decided not to  gosh what to do.how do i feel better? how do i want to feel better? I live my life everyday and not a soul knows how much I hurt, except maybe Olsen. The temorial that goes on inside, the screaming and crying, the nightmares that come in the night or the day, it doesnt matter sun or darkness. No one knows how much i fight to keep going. they see the smiling girl in the chair with the beautiful dog, they don't even know that is the tip of the invisible iceburg. I say invisible because I dont even know where it is or how to get there, i just know I don't want to touch it or find it. I am strong in a lot of ways, but I dont want to have to be strong all the time. So i sit here alone and in pain and not a soul knows. be back later

still sitting here, just wishing this day would end and its not even 6:00 yet. My head hurts so much dont know why mmy hands are shaking, gonna go lay down

its over

Well i went to the Parents house. I survived, now my objective is to stay away from there as long as possibe. I feel so bad for my neice, she doesn't know how to express how she is feeling. What seven year old would? so she gets snappy with Joe, and then he is the "you better listen to me father" with encouragement of course from our psyco excuse for a father. so Brianna crys for her mommy that she doesn't even know is in GA, cause her mommy didnt even care enough to tell her, cause god for bid than Brianna would want to be with her mom and her mom is too damn selfish. I told the phycho dad on the way home that Brianna needs understanding. He says Joe doesnt disipline them enough, i told him you know what i know? I know that she is 7, her mom and dad are divorcing and that she can't express how she feels. so in stead she gets angry, and joe is hurting and in stead of letting himself feel that, he gets angry. thats what i know. The phycho dad says well they go through the same thing every time he tells them to brush their teeth and go to bed, he say he is not mad at Brianna he is mad at Joe. I asked him why does he have to be mad at anyone? they are both hurting. I said, wouldnt it be better if he told the kids "ok, if you guys get ready for bed when i tell you, without arguing, i will bring you a special reward tomorrow when i come home" I said isnt that better then yelling and fighting, they are children. he said I was right (shock) it tore my heart out when she was crying for her mommy, i wanted to go hug her tight and tell her that everythings going to be ok. Joe needs to have someone else watch her on friday cause the parents are going to HOMO so i told joe to bring her to my house i will take her out and have fun. I am going to give her my number and tell her to call me any time she wants. ppl dont understand what a blessing they are given when they have children, i know lots of ppl do, and i know there are lots of good moms and dads, it just breaks my heart that i couldnt be one of them going to sleep now i hope Barb