Feeling so down

I am feeling so down and tired. I went to my therapist on Tuesday thinking I had lost about a week of time but when I got home I realized that I had lost a bunch of time I have no idea how much I called her up and started crying. I haven't been eating much at all lately and it scares me because I don't want to.  my hair is getting really thin and dry. I am so scared to try and figure this all out . I don't understand why I have been treating myself so badly. The fear of food is so overpowering, I have been in this battle so long now that I don't even know how to begin to get myself out. I wish I wanted to get myself out,  that would be a start.I don't even remember when food was even an issue in my life. I don't remember how it used to be except that I was huge and I don't want it to get that way again. I remember how hard it was to move how hard it was to get in and out of my chair how hard it was just to get on the toilet, how scared I was that the day would the come  when I just can do it anymore.  

I am terrified to change this, and at the same time I have no idea how to. I am so scared to let anybody close enough to try to help me even myself. I feel like my world is going to collapse and part of the wants that so much. going for now 
Thanks for listening

My lazy sunday

well my sunday was pretty good. woke up at 8 and fed Olsen and took him out then when back to bed till 11:30. Felt really good waking up not tired which is kind of unusual. Went to get me coffee and dough nuts. then watched some tv and read some mail. I know LOL totally boring. 

Man one place says they might total the van i hope not. Glad the parents are taking it well although i know this will be used for many years to come to try to induce guilt in usr. maybe i should record the mom saying its not my fault for future use? really not a bad idea huh? oh well. 

so mad at my brother he is being a total idoit going out with woman now. i told the mom how mad i was and being the Mature woman that she is, she says well Amy is doing the same thing of course i told her i could care less what amy is doing or not doing. My parents are totally enabling him to drink and party. I keep telling the mom that she needs to ask him at least for some money for food. She proceeds to tell me well he really doesnt eat much there and i said well his kids do. I mean he has the grandma doing his laudry and straightening his room. He is not saving any money. i just want to shake him. what about his kids?? He is 37 with 2 children. I have always been worried about his dranking from way back in 88 when i lived with him for a year. No one listened then. I just hope something bad doesnt have to happen for him to change. I can't believe how sick little joe was, when Joe got him on thursday, he had scarelet fever, strep thoat and an ear infection, the doc asked Joe how he got sick so fast, and he told the doc he just picked him up,  later amy told him he was sick since monday. why the heck didnt she take him to the doctor?

then she tells Joe that the animals have no food and water so he better go give them some cause she is going away for the weekend. So Mom goes there and sure enough the cat and dog had not one drop of water or food in their dishes. Plain Cruel
the way they are both acting neither of them deserve those kids, i wish so much i could take care of them.

Please god knock some sense into them

day started bad and ended awesome

Well woke up today feeling awful, just not much energy. canc my trip to church, just didnt feel like being around ppl and in my dont wanna eat mode so easier to be at home. Mad at myself that i am staying home though at the same time.l

well i finally called the number i found for my 8th grade teacher and it was her. so happy, it helped me to know that god does answer prayers, not just anyone elses prayers but MY prayers awesome. So my day ended on a high note, the too much chocolate i ate probably helped. But oh well, My friends Barb's Viney called so lil gurl and seacret were really happy cause they dont get to talk to anyone on the phone usually and its great that they have a friend. We love her very much too
well that about sums up our day. thank you god for answering our prayers and leading us to ellen, you are a wonderful awesome god, we never could call you father like lots of ppl cause that word got too convoluted for us but we know you know that LOL thanks

Ps Mrs. Levine remembered Kelly cause she said is that the girl who know the color of m'n m's by tasting them? I said yup that’s Kelly LOL

first time we have talked in 14 years. just goes to show you how special she was  and is, love you my little friend with a huge heart. hope you save me a spot up there near you

Tired and clutered

hi I am so tired and so down. saw Brianna and Joe for a little bit today. Brianna's eyes are sad. I gave her the second Judy Moody book i bought for her. I put my number inside and told her to call me any time. I feel sad for them, and my brother i feel scared for him. He is thinking of himself, and his needs. He went out with a woman because of his need. I am so angry. I wish i could take care of them. They dont deserve them, those beautiful childen, they will become the next casualities in our so called family. Hating life at the moment and me even more

Voice Post

Voice Post

Another day in my messed up selves

here i am again, what a day. the stupid companion person canc. again, i called JoAnn and told her. she is gonna meet us tomorrow, i am gonna talk to Arque and let her know that its not fair to us when she canc like that cause not only were we counting on her being here but also if she doesnt show up, we are stuck in the house. Its really triggering when she doesnt show up, thats what the ppl we lived with use to do, it makes us feel like we are worth nothing.

don't know why we are so tired. slept lots but still tired. I hate when Dawn messes with our heads, it makes some extremely uncomfortable that she can do that. 

At the same time i guess thats the only way she will find out stuff sometimes. It's so hard when there is a constant battle for control, maybe thats why we are so tired. its hard to talk about eating, i get so happy when we dont eat much, and that scares me, but not. its so hard to fight being self destructive, because there is part of us that wants it so bad, to not be. 

I am really tired so going to go.

gosh its been way too long

I don't even know where to start i haven't written in so long. Its been hard cause my aide and friend larissa has been in a domestic voilence situation. she has been staying with us quite a bit on and off. though we dont mind and we are glad to help, its hard cause its like we just kinda shut down, not really from others, but from ourselves if that makes sense?

some of us are feeling really down cause our friend carole is going to be gone for six months at her summer place in North Coralina. It was hard when we saw her last at a resturant because Pam also came which was great 

BUT

We were talking about our evil neighbor, Long story, but any way, she hurt us tremendously basically said we lied about our father abuses us. She said it just to hurt us, i dont even know who told her about it when we first moved here more than two years ago, but they told because she said she had been abused by her family and was adopted. This was before we knew how truly evil she is. She has no life, and she gets in others. She told someone that i could walk and i didnt need my chair. enough of her  continuing sorry

well we didnt realize Pam didnt know that we were abused, and she started launching in that we needed to tell our brother what happened to us because my neice and nephew being at risk from the parents.

I told her that he wouldnt believe us, we are already the outcasts there any way, the bother use to talk to us for a while about things that happen to him and us, but now its the standard "nothing happened" "I don't remember that" didnt tell her all that, just that he wouldnt believe us

If we told him, not only would he "not believe" but in this family there is no such things as privacy. The family should know all your thoughts all your deeds. There is NOTHING that should just be ours. So it will go through the immediate "family" and i use that term just for clarity, but it would get out slowly to everyone. Then more ppl would think we are crazy

I told her if i ever thought something was happing, even an inkling i would tell who ever till someone heard me, hopefully that day will never come, but the only one that will take me to the rest of "the family" is psyco dad, i wouldnt be able to see my neices and nephews who i love so much, and really i feel that we are the only sane ones so we want to be there if we can.

even when we were with with the birth givers the other day, our 8 year old nephew who was sitting in the back near me said "pa always has to start trouble" I said yeah i know.

EXCUSE ME, did i mention he was 8?

pretty sad that he knows that, and thats how he things of his grandpa huh?

Today they came and the psyco dad made us a desk which we really really like and appreciate. He drove us mad though. The net wasn't working and i told them the phone line and dsl line needed to be plugged in at a different place that they fixed it like that when they came out cause we were having so much trouble. He kept telling me It didnt matter where it was plugged. I told him at least five times that it did matter before he changed it.

I got the net working, but have no scanner and the speakers aren't working but they couldnt figure it out. everything was working when this day started, but i can do with out those things as long as i have my net

Its just so fustrating, cause he has to do things his way, and we have to fight to be heard

I mean how do we reconcile the good he does, with that fact that he hurt us so much? 

I dont know whats worse now i get emotionally abuse and we get scared all over, once someone crosses that line that no one should how do we stop being in fear of them? worrying that he could loose it any time?

I dont know but I think he is such a coward. He is not strong to deal with his pain, so he puts other ppl in pain, I hate the person he is was, and forever will be

But i love the desk?

tired but wanted to write something

I haven't written in here in like a week so wanted to write something any way, feeling like crap today, haven't been sleeping well. Had a fairly decent day with Miya, finished my book "a child called it" wow what that that kid went through it was so hard to hear, but good too, because if he can go through all that torture and survive, not only that, but do good with his life and have kids and stuff, it gives me hope that people (Bjs crowd) can face what ever we need to and maybe help are situation get better, and i venture to say Maybe?? get along who knows. Met this companion person we are going to have named R.K. she seems really nice. She use to be a cop in another state, long story, but her mom was raped at 16 and had her and she ended up years later arresting her own father, talk about JUSTICE wow, someone told in here told her she should write a book, i mean thats like one in a million chance. she didnt tell him who she was, i wouldnt been like i am your Daughter, yes you raped my mom, i see you havent changed you ways, and now your going to Jail for a very long time, but she didnt say anything, talk about fuck with your mind ya know? i mean wow that must have messed her up for a while? maybe not? We are meeting grace tomorrow, hope Barb will deal with that please Barb? any way, we will write more tomorrow
someone here i think

feeling ick

had a good day, Miya was good for the most part and they were actually there to pick me up on time. major shock. really tired going to stay in and veg tomorrow. my stomach doesnt feel good, and saw a kitty that was hit going on the way to eat. hurt my heart so much. going to sleep now

sosdd

glad this day is over, although no one cares i guess. My head is killing me. dont get it, wish i could start over dont like who i am and apparently no one else does. I am not going to break my neck trying to keep friendships going, as they say friendships are a two way street and my street is under repairs for the foreseable future
people should have listened to me, it would have saved your hearts lots of pain.

I dont have enough energy as it is, so i am done on my end

The bitchy one

I have a sad heart tonight

what a day, its started wonderful but it sure didnt end that way. we had a wonderful music program at church. It was so beautiful i enjoyed it so much. when I came outside to wait for the van, i got a call that my friends service dog died very unexpectly. gosh my heart is so sad for her. I know how devastated i would be if it was my Olsen. then i was sitting at church till after two. the bastards. so tired. came home took something to help me calm down took a nap for a while. At around 7 I took Olsen out and brushed him reallly good. He is shedding so much its unbelievable.
so now i am going to go lay down watch TV. I pray for you Grace that God will hold you tight in his hands, send you wings to hold you up until you can fly again with a new furry friend. 

so thankful for my olsen, so blessed for my friends and family of choice.

what a messed up day to the max well almost

damn what a f ed up day. We went to meet Anne I know we told her at bells outlet outside at the end because the greek place was across the little street. I would think the word street would denote outside? we sat there for almost an hour, we went inside looked at the bells inside. we didnt see her, we called and checked messages at home, no messages from her, so we went to the restraunt and had a salad. Then we went to kmart, we never go to that store only cause we hardly go to Seminole Mall. So we went in the kmart, we bought clothes. Shorts and tops. we werent going to wear shorts cause our legs dont have muscles so they look so weenie looking, but i was like what the hell? who cares what ppl think we deserve to be comfortable specially since that heat crap happens to us all the f ing time.

I picked some cute stuff, actually I am going to be sure we go to that kmart more often, it was pretty cool.

so then we get home, there was two messages from Anne she was waiting inside Bealls in stead of the outlet danm I apologized and she did too it was truly a misunderstanding, but again i am thinking ok i did say you cross a little street. BUT I didnt know there was also a Greek place in the mall by bealls LOL damn what else could go wrong?  didnt know she would have a cell phone so i didnt ask, i am sorta impressed that she has one, most ppl her age don't try what they consider to be new technology LOL even tho they been around for like twenty years LOL still probably considered new to old ppl.

oh well i feel bad about it

came home take a nap i am really tired still so going to go in bed
Goodnight to me, myselves and I
The Good Gurl

pitfalls and standards why the discrepency?

man so full from those stupid chips i dont know why i did that now i don't feel well and i gotta go eat with my friend anne tomorrow. least she is letting me take her to the greek place in stead of that place at Kmart. danm couldnt handle that i dont think. really don't wanna go out tomorrow. Its so nice that anne wants to buy me a dress for easter, but for some reason, I absolute dont feel like wearing a dress its weird, i don't get it really never felt so strongly about what i wear before. Really feels strange to object to something like that. I been tired all day, even though i napped in the afternoon. 

I really was happy when i went to work with Miya yesterday. Christi had told me that i have made a big difference in her behavior. Really  I didnt believe it, i thought Christi was just saying that. yesterday though one of the teachers came up behind me and whispered in my ear that I have done so good with Miya and she is like a different child when i am there. she said she is even polite LOL That really helped me feel good, I have been really working hard with her to have good manners and say please and thank you. she acted up really bad in lunch and when she came out of the locker room from changing. She said I am really sorry for the way i acted in lunch. I thanked her for apologizing that i really appreciate it. 

Its hard for me to think i would have such a positive effect on someone. wow

wish i could have such an effect on myself. How can I be so good to others and not to myself? why dont i feel I deserve goodness? why can i tell Miya she is beautiful just how she is, but not believe that about myself? why do I have a whole different standard for me? why do I expect so much from me, when i would never expect that much from others? wish i knew.

So many questions, but no answers why do i hate me so much? whats so bad about me? 

To be continued
someone here

why do i always screw up?

my eating has been really bad, i been craving sun chips so much but every where i have gone doesnt have them. so what do I do? i go get a big bag of potato chips and ate most of the bag great.. I dont know why dawn keeps messing with my head, i dont know what she is trying to do but i dont like what ever it is, only have six more weeks to work with Miya before school is out, i am going to miss her durn the summer. think i am going to get some coffee

Lost

So sad dont know how to make it better. wish it would end. Lost and dont know where i am tired even too tired to write no use putting down thoughts, it doesnt matter, i dont matter. hope to feel better

feeling terrible

feeling so depressed not sure why, so tired dont understand why my leg is all swollen. I hurt it a few weeks ago, when i pinned it dont understand why it took all this time to swell up? I stayed in bed for most of the day with it up. It looks a tad better but not much, its still a little sore. ate a banana and candy bar today i know thats not a lot but its better than nothing. really struggling today with food stuff, it was bound to happen cause i ate things that i usually don't. sometimes i get so scared though cause part of me doesnt care and doesnt want to eat, just wants to get small, i feel like a fat cow today. How i wish i didnt have to deal with anything and could stay in my house forever. I am tired. Sick of my drama that I cause to my own self, this is all my fault. everything is. The past is the past, it is my fault that i let it effect me like this. There is nothing i can do about the past, I let it haunt me, i give it the power it has over me; I have no one to blame for my current circumstance but me. How is it that i am so weak as to let myself give in to all that crap? I am a mess and its all my fault. all the ppl that hurt me in the past are just fine, it doesnt bother them in the slightest, they live their life. no nightmares, body stuf and flashbacks. I need to be stronger. I am not the past but i let it control me. Talking about things doesnt change them. why can't i just let it go? see i am not strong, i am weak. your thoughts control how you feel so therefore its my thoughts that have me in this hell. I should just stop everything. stop trying and hoping. I am not strong enough, i deserve to feel like crap cause thats what i do to myself they are my thoughts; everyone says put the past in the past dont dwell on it, so why dont I cause i am weak thats why enough enough of it all there is no hope for me. I can't make it stop, i can't change nothing. its my fault all of it every single thing because I am not little anymore have no one to blame but me for this pain;

mixed emotions all jumbled up

gosh wish my head would be quiet. I am tired. I am hungry too, but have nothing to eat, not that i would eat if i did. Still freaking about what i ate today and yesterday. I thought since i ate good, i would have energy, but i dont. I wish i could be more like Olsen, peaceful without a care in the world. who know knows maybe dogs worry? i doubt it, cause if they did they wouldnt be so happy thats for sure. feeling lonely, but also feeling over loaded for some reason. My head has that wet sponge feeling, I hate that so much. Its been really nice not going out cept for yesterday. To tell ya the truth i wish i could stay in next week too. don't feel like dealing with Miya or any thing else for that matter. its gonna be hard seeing Rocky monday. Audrey and ron better let me have a few minutes alone with him before they leave. val says if they dont want to insist. I don't even deserve Olsen, he is so good. seeing Pat the other day brought so much shit back about orlando and how she was. controlling bitch.  I still can't believe how she treated me. She hasn't changed. i was so shocked to hear her voice. she said she fund film developed from orlando. she was gonna be at clearwater mall so she brought the pictures, she still can't keep a job LOL she always has conflicts with though in authority LOL surprise. wish i could just go some where, or just not have to deal with anyone for a while. even my own inside. especially my own inside. Not gonna go to dan's or moms house no way. gonna make myself go to church Sunday i will probably feel better once i am there i hope.  I will put on my fake face and deal.  i better go to bed i guess, feeling like i wanna stay there so much.

feeling tired

I have to stop thinking. I went out with parents and Uncle and aunt from NY. they took me to a steak place, it was the first good meal i ate in quite a while. I was glad cause i took half of it home because i know if i ate it all, it wouldnt stay down. I am freaking out that I ate it though i ate the other half this morning. I know this is good, but i can't stop thinking about how much i have eaten and detirmined not to eat tomorrow because of that, which i know is so stupid. They wanted me to come again this weekend, i am not going, just going to go to church on Sunday.
I am feeling sad, i know i am gonna see rocky on monday, i am so glad, but sad too because i know in my heart its the last time i will see him. think i am going to lay down now

About My Day

Well today was ok, got up when the dad brought the stuff a little after nine. gosh i just realized i don't remember a big chunk of the day. I hate that. I did call Audrey and Ron to see how Rocky is. they said he has been having some pain and trouble getting around. The had his teeth cleaned a few weeks ago, and a few pulled. To be honest i am surprised they do it to a dog thats 14, but he did ok. The said he has some cystals in his urine, but not a lot. I am really not even sure what that means. I think i will try to find out more on the net, because what audrey said about it doesn't make sense to me. They are going to bring him to see me on April 3rd, I know this will be my last visit with him and that is so sad to me. I am a little angry that Audrey and Ron only have brought him to see me twice so far the whole time they have had him. I saw them more before i gave rocky to them. I know the most important part is that they take such wonderful care of him. I am really grateful. I really don't understand why i am this deeply sad about knowing he is going to go to heaven soon. I have such a deep love for my Olsen, in lots of ways so much deeper than i have for Rocky. I don't understand the deep sadness I am feeling now? 

Larissa came and washed my hair, i stayed in today and plan on that tomorrow as well, i have been getting bad headaches. I am almost done with my P I don't get why i been getting so many headaches. The mom went to the doctor today, she has a hernia and needs more surgery. I can't believe it. The doctor said she could wait till  after her class reunion in July as long as she doesnt feel pain from it. I really feel bad that she has to go through more surgery. I know this is mean but i wish it was the dad in stead, He skates by, just being his angry, childish self. I really hate him sometimes. When say I hate him, there is still guilt.  I know its not good to hate ppl thats such a strong word to use, depending who's here within its appropreate though. It causes lots of talk inside though. Moving on from that subject.

The dad's Brother Bernie and his wife are here. we aren't close to them though, but we will do the caring bit when we see them. It will makes us seem like we care, which will be acceptible to everyone there. They are taking use to Sam selezers gee thats just wonderful. We have to see them at least one time. That will keep the clan, not my clan but their clan quiet. 

well guess we should try and whined down so we hopefully will sleep
goodnight to me's